by Bree Dahlia
Chase and I claimed the table for ourselves once again when the others took off after dinner to stuff themselves with cake. “You don’t want any?” I asked.
“Not unless I can lick it off you.” My body heated, and I looked around. It only took something little like that to make me start throbbing. I was so easy. “No one heard me, Jillian.”
“I know, but I’m sure my arousal’s obvious to anyone paying attention.”
“Are you, Wild Horses? Aroused?”
His voice was raw sex, and that kicked me up a dozen notches. “Dammit, Chase. You know I am. Now stop it.”
He chuckled, leaning back in his chair as I took a few gulps of ice water. I planned to stay until the end of the party, but having a breathing aphrodisiac so close by challenged my resolve.
“Jillian?” I looked up to see Jeff standing at the other side of the table. “Wow, how long’s it been? You look… incredible.”
“Thanks, Jeff. How are you?”
“Can’t complain. Is this”—he looked at Chase and shook his head—“Daniel? Oh, man. I haven’t seen you since you were, what—this high?” He held up his hand a few feet.
“Uh…” I said, feeling all the blood drain from my face. Drip. Drip. Drip.
Chase stood up and stuck out his hand. “No, I’m Chase. I’m…” He glanced at me, but I didn’t say anything. My throat felt like it was coated in wet cement. “I’m a friend.”
Jeff shook his hand across the table and focused back to me. “Hey, sorry to hear about your divorce. That’s rough.” I nodded. “Come here, you.” Jeff came over to me and pulled me up. “Give me a hug.”
He flattened me longer and harder than your standard hug. I felt like a ragdoll. I peeked at Chase, checking out his expression. It was unreadable. But then, I still had that haze fogging up my head, so what did I know?
Jeff pulled back and held me at arm’s length. “Damn, Jillian. You really do look… Wow, amazing. One more hug?”
It was a quick one before I broke it off and sat down. I’d not had any issues with Jeff in the past, but this was making me uncomfortable.
“I’d love to take you out to dinner sometime, Jillian.”
I shifted my eyes around. “Um….”
“You know,” Jeff said, “I always had a little thing for you.” He laughed. “Mike kinda got in the way of that, but how about now? It’d be fun to catch up on old times.”
“Sure?”
“Great.” He clapped his hands once. “Still at the same number? I can call you to set something up.”
“Um, yes.” Even as I was saying it, I was thinking of a way to get out of it. What just happened here? My brain was a lump of melted taffy.
The moment Jeff stepped away, Chase asked, “Who was that?”
“One of Stephen’s friend’s older brothers. He used to come over sometimes when we had parties. I’ve known him a long time. And I’m not going out with him, Chase.”
“So. Another friend.”
“Yeees,” I said slowly and cocked my head, not sure what he was getting at. Chase hadn’t asked it as a question but as a flat statement. In fact, his entire demeanor was flat.
It didn’t take much longer to realize he wasn’t just flat, but also cold. A slab of ice. Shortly after, he excused himself to go over and say hi to Emily from his team. Perry’s niece had just arrived and was standing with her mom, Sam. I watched him laugh and smile and do all the things he’d done with me just minutes ago.
I was confused as hell. The situation with Jeff had been awkward, but there’s no way it could have bothered him that much. It didn’t affect anything Chase and I had going on, and I told him I wasn’t planning on taking him up on his offer of dinner. I hadn’t even meant to agree in the first place, but I’d been a hot mess. He actually thought Chase was Daniel? That was enough to make me forget my own name.
We stayed until nearly the end, although I didn’t feel fully present. I hadn’t seen Jeff again—I was assuming he cut out early—and that was a small relief. But I was still functioning in a stupor, and Chase remained distant toward me. I just needed to get him back home, and then everything would be fine again.
Chase and I said our good-byes and headed silently out the doors and through the lobby. I’d never seen him so sullen, certainly not for this period of time. I had to be missing something. Chase was the one I was going home with—wasn’t that the only thing that mattered?
He opened the car door for me, then rounded to his side. I twiddled my fingers, feeling the same nervous energy as when we’d arrived, but under entirely different circumstances. Chase sat down and placed his hands on the wheel. He wasn’t starting the car.
“Chase?”
“Did you seriously make a fucking date right in front of me?”
I stared at him, a little taken aback. “No…” Was he seriously making a big deal about this? “Not a real date. I told you I’m not going out with him, and I told you early on that I wouldn’t see anyone else while I was sleeping with you. It just… happened. You know that he thought you were my son, and I—”
“Just give me some time, Jillian.” His hands tensed around the wheel, and it looked like he was about to snap it like a pretzel round.
“Okay.”
Chase started the car and backed out. He exited the structure, driving calmly without speaking a word. It was all fine, I assured myself. He just needed time to process, just like he said. By the time we arrived at home, he’d realize that nothing horrible had happened, and he was overreacting. He wouldn’t let a great night end this way. We’d go inside, have fantastic make-up sex, and then he’d sleep over so we could do it again in the morning.
He pulled into my driveway and turned off the car. I waited a minute to see if he would get out and open the door for me since he liked to do that, but when he didn’t move, I placed my hand on the door.
“Jillian.” He turned his head toward me, and I didn’t like what I saw.
I dropped my hand back into my lap. “Chase, what was I supposed to do?”
“Here’s a ludicrous idea for you—how about say no?”
I sighed. “I panicked, okay? I wasn’t thinking clearly. He thought you were Daniel, and that majorly freaked me out. That’s what people see when they look at us, Chase. They don’t see a couple; they see a mother and a son.”
“And why should they see us as a couple, Jillian? You don’t give them any reason to.”
My jaw dropped. “That is totally unfair. You know how I feel about all this, and besides, you’re the one who told Jeff we were just friends.”
“Goddammit. I did that for you. I thought you were about to pass out. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you more. Would you have liked me to tell him we were together?”
“Well, no…” He did have a point. I would have felt worse if Jeff discovered the guy he thought was my son was really my lover.
“The entire night I did for you, Jillian. I did everything possible to make sure our night out was a success. That’s why I went along with the ‘just a friend’ shit every time we talked to someone. Why I didn’t touch you more than necessary, even though I wanted to put my fucking hands all over you. I wanted that entire room to know you were mine. I want the entire fucking world to know. But I only push it so hard, Jillian. Why? Because you have it in your head that there’s something wrong with us.”
“Chase.” He was blowing this way out of proportion, merging into a whole different direction. But once again, we were only in perfect tune until we left the house. “I tried telling you this was a bad idea. There’s nothing wrong with us when it’s just us. Don’t you see that?”
He banged the wheel once with his fist, startling me. He was certainly in a mood tonight. Hopefully, we’d laugh about all this tomorrow.
“No, you know damn well things were going well tonight until you let this shit bother you and you made your fucking date.” I opened my mouth to disagree with the date comment but shut it when he started talking again
. “And even though I wanted you closer to me, I still had a good time because I was with you. I don’t have the same hang-ups you do.”
“Maybe you don’t have them now, Chase, but believe me, if we stayed together for any length of time, you would. All those comments would start to get to you. Someday, you’d see me in a different light and realize that all those pretty young things would make your life a whole lot less complicated.”
“What the fuck is your problem, Jillian? Stop making up shit that isn’t there.”
I’d never seen him this mad before, and I was trying to piece it all together. We’d disagreed about this topic many times before, but it never got this heated. All because of a stupid fake date?
“It’s not my problem; it’s the way the world works. And I don’t have to make it up because that’s how things actually exist. When others look at me, they see a woman old enough to be your mother, and that’s only going to get worse.”
This shitstorm needed to end. We only had so much time together, and we were going to spend it in a car arguing?
I set my hand on his leg. “Just please come inside, okay? Let’s not do this.”
He picked up my hand and took it off. What? “No, Jillian. We are not going inside to fuck and act like everything is fine.”
“My God, Chase. All because of what happened with Jeff? I seriously don’t get it. I told you I panicked. I told you I’m not going on that damned date. What more do you want from me?”
“You talk a lot about what other people see, but do you know what I see when I look at you?” His voice was softer now. “I don’t see a fifteen-year age difference. I see a soulmate. What more do I want from you? I want you to believe that our connection is on the inside, and that’s the only light I’d ever see you in.”
My head was twirling so fast it was going to pop off and roll away. The conversation just twisted. He can’t see me as a soulmate. He just can’t. I’m the woman he fucks, the woman he makes meals with, the woman he plays music for, the woman he talks with, laughs with, makes love with....
“I love you, Jillian.”
I closed my eyes. My heart pounded in my chest, trying to break free. Holy fuck. He can’t love me. He can’t love me because I love him back. And we both can’t be in love because there wasn’t enough music in the world to soothe that beast of a clusterfuck. This was not supposed to happen. What we had together was just a temporary arrangement.
“That’s not realistic, Chase.” I couldn’t even look at him. My insides had grown razor-sharp claws, and they were painfully stabbing me, digging away until there was nothing left. “We can’t just lie on a rock and hide out for the rest of our lives and watch the stars. That’s not real life.”
He was silent for so long I didn’t know what to do. Part of me had already died, and I was just waiting for someone to come along and finish off the rest of me.
“Congratulations,” he finally said. “You’ve found a way to scare me off.”
Did I say I was dazed? My accuracy rivaled that of a flunked-out meteorologist on crack. What I felt before was a gentle sprinkling of rain. Compare that to the cyclone destroying everything in its wake. I stood on my front porch, wondering how I’d gotten there. Just moments ago, he’d asked me to leave the car, and I had. No arguments. No complaints.
I fished my keys out of my purse and let myself in. Once the door was closed behind me, I heard him drive off. It was surreal being there without him. We should’ve been ripping each other’s clothes off, laughing about something that someone said earlier. Doing whatever.
Just not… this.
I plunked down on the couch, not bothering to turn on a light. There was no danger of crying; I was too far gone for that. I was more numb than anything. This day was bound to come eventually; it just came earlier than anticipated, that’s all. I already knew we were over before we started.
If I thought about it, he did me a favor. It would give me more time to get over him before Daniel came home. And now there was zero chance of suffering through the inevitable decline that came along with our type of arrangement.
Yes, I decided, curling into myself. This was a good thing.
Around two a.m., my phone rang. I hadn’t moved from that spot on the couch since I planted my butt there however long ago. I wasn’t keeping track of such things; my attention was dead weight. I was neither sleeping nor awake.
I removed it from the purse that was still flopped over on my lap and checked the screen. “Hi, Perry. What’s up?” I applauded myself for sounding normal.
“What’s wrong?”
Or not. I forced out a gurgled laugh. “Everything’s great.”
“Hmm… You don’t sound like it. And I don’t think I interrupted you in the middle of a sweaty session. Because if I did, you weren’t doing it right. You’re not breathing hard enough.”
“Nope.” That’s all I could manage to get out.
“Let me talk to Chase.”
My stomach recoiled as if it’d been punched. It didn’t matter if our breakup was a good thing; his name would probably still affect me for a while, along with everything else. No matter. It just gave me a better chance to fine-tune my sucking-it-up abilities.
“He’s not here.”
“Why the hell not?”
I sighed. “How come you’re calling? I thought you’d be busy with, uh, after-party activities?” I knew it was bad when I encouraged her to tell me things that would never allow me to look my brother in the eye again.
“Nice try. I’m coming over.”
“What? No. Aren’t you with Stephen? You just celebrated a big milestone together.”
“I have the rest of my life to be with him. You need me more right now.”
“Perry—”
I heard the hang-up beeps, and I threw my head back. If she wanted to come over, there was no chance in hell of stopping her. I scrubbed the pads of my fingers up and down my face hard enough to make a dermatologist cringe, but it felt so good.
I thought about getting up and turning on the light. I thought about doing a lot of things, but by the time I could decide on anything, she’d arrived.
Perry burst through the door and switched on a lamp, flooding the room with brightness. I squinted at her. “Hi,” I said.
“Hi.” She dropped her face within inches of mine. “Oh, thank God. And here I thought you two had a horrible fight and broke up or something.”
“We did.”
“No.” She shook her head. “That’s not possible. Your eyes aren’t red and puffy.”
“That’s because I’m not crying.”
She sat beside me and put her head on my shoulder. “Oh, sweetie. What happened?”
“We were always meant to say good-bye, Perry. We just said it sooner. This is how it’s supposed to be, and I’m fine with it.”
She picked up her head and stared into my eyes. “You’re not lying.”
I smiled softly. “No, I’m not.”
“But you two… The party… I don’t understand. You may not be lying to me, but you’ve somehow convinced yourself that what you’re saying is the truth. You can’t deny that everything was perfect, Jills.”
Only on a rock. “So, why did you call earlier? You never mentioned.”
“I…” She paused and checked me out again. I gave her a larger smile this time, one that told her to trust me. I. Was. Fine. “I really was hoping to speak with Chase.” She opened her purse and pulled out a card. “He won the prize.”
“Really? I never helped him, I swear.” How the hell had he guessed correctly? I caught my breath again after the invisible hit sideswiped me. It’s going to take time, Jillian. I took the card from her and unfolded it, my eyes fluttering over his writing.
The perfect proposal:
Somewhere private, the location doesn’t matter. It could be on a hill, in the sand, or a rock under the stars. It’s the love you have for each other that makes it perfect.
Chase
“That
’s not even close,” I said, handing back the card. Beautiful, but wrong. I suddenly felt like I could sleep for days.
“Yes, it is. For starters, he mentioned sand, and he was the only one to do that. No one else even guessed the beach or the lakefront, which surprised me. And he was right about the rest of it too, Jills. The proposal was romantic and perfect to me, but it wasn’t the details that made it that way. I wouldn’t have loved it so much if I didn’t love Stephen so much.”
“I know.” I smiled. “So, what did he win?” I held up my hand. “Wait, you’re not still planning on giving him anything, right?”
“Would it be bad if I did?”
“Yes. Or fatal, if you let Stephen take care of it.”
She laughed. “Oh, Jills. Did you actually read what Chase wrote?”
“Of course I did.”
“No, really read it. He was directing it more toward you and him than Stephen and me.”
I closed my eyes, feeling very shaky. “He wasn’t proposing to me, Perry. That’s ridiculous. We barely know each other enough for that.”
“I’m not saying that. But I do think he loves you, and he wanted to make that clear.”
My breath hitched. “He told me he loved me,” I spoke softly, “right before….”
“And how do you feel?”
I didn’t respond, just sucked in my bottom lip. Perry pulled me into a hug, and I collapsed against her. “You don’t have to say anything, Jills. I understand everything now. And it’s okay to cry. Really.”
Yes, it was perfectly okay, but I didn’t need to. There was no reason to cry, not when it was all for the best. The only thing I had to do was get through this and get on with my life. A dense cloud settled over me, and I sank farther into the couch.
Patience was the key.
And it wasn’t happening overnight.
Turned out I was wrong again. It did happen overnight.
