Make My Heart Beat

by Liz King

  “I’m not going anywhere, and you don’t have to call security. I won’t let anybody else in here that will upset Lynae. We’re fine,” Connor answers for me, still rubbing my back.

  They both nod and leave. I think the tone in Connor’s voice told them there would be no forcing him to leave anyway.

  Michelle and Gabbi both come in for a visit after their shift ends. Michelle tries to ask me a few questions about my fight with Sly, but I’m not in the mood to talk about it. I guess he’s texted her and told her everything. Connor quickly put a stop to that line of conversation, and told the girls I needed rest and he’d call them if I needed them for anything. I could tell Michelle was reluctant to leave me alone with Connor, but did so anyway. She knows Connor and I have been talking more and even though she isn’t exactly glad about it, she keeps telling me that she only wants what is going to make me happy. Daddy stopped by not long after Michelle and Gabbi left. Connor had called him as soon as we got admitted to the prenatal room. He had apparently texted Daddy when he got to the ER to tell him what was going on, but told him both me and the baby were fine so he didn’t have to leave work.

  I want to talk to Connor, but he keeps insisting we can talk tomorrow, and I just need to go to sleep. I try to get him to go home, but he seems dead set on staying in the uncomfortable looking recliner the nurses brought in for him. He refuses to leave me. So I try to settle into this horrible hospital bed and get some sleep.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Connor

  Lynae really wanted to go back to her apartment when she was discharged this morning, but I insisted she come home with me. Home. If I had my way, she would move in here and never leave, but I’m not going to press my luck. I’m just glad she agreed to let me bring her here today. I wasn’t sure if Sly would be at her apartment or if, after the shit he pulled yesterday, he would have gone to stay with Michelle.

  Her dad came by the hospital again this morning while she was still asleep. John and I went down to the cafeteria and had some coffee. I hadn’t talked to him in person since he came by the apartment right after the accident. John still makes me nervous, even though he says he trusts me. Having the trust of a man like John means a lot to me. I look up to him and respect him a great deal.

  I tried to convey to him how much I love Lynae and how much I want us to work. He kept telling me I just have to give her time, but to fight for her at the same time.

  “Kara Lynae is just as stubborn as her momma was, sometimes a little more so. I know she loves you. She knows it in her heart too. She just has to let her mind catch up to her heart,” he told me this morning. John also told me I need to let Lynae in. I have to tell her about my past. I have to tell her about Kaitlin.

  She’s back in the bedroom napping now. We got home about an hour or so ago, but she still looked exhausted. I know she tossed and turned all night. That hospital bed couldn’t have been much more comfortable than the damn vinyl recliner I tried to sleep in. This morning when she woke up, she had bags under her eyes and creases in her face from the pillowcase, but I still thought she was the most beautiful creature on this earth. Luckily, she didn’t feel sick this morning either. I think the nurses gave her about two of those IV bag things during the night, so I guess that’s what helped her feel better.

  I’m standing in the kitchen now, making myself a roast beef sandwich when I hear my cell phone ringing. I don’t pay attention to the screen to see who is calling, I just hurry and answer so it doesn’t wake Lynae up.

  “Yeah?”

  “You know, Kaitlin would have had much better manners in answering a phone call.”

  That voice makes my skin crawl like it’s being eaten alive by thousands of ants. “What do you want, Dad?” I haven’t heard from him or Mom since the day before Lynae and I had our big fight. The fight that started all of this mess.

  “I was cleaning out the attic today. I found Kaitlin’s high school cheerleading uniform,” he says coldly.

  Kaitlin was a phenomenal cheerleader. She was very athletic, bubbly and enthusiastic about everything. I’m sure she could have gotten an athletic scholarship for college if she didn’t get the academic ones she had applied for. Not only was my sister gorgeous, she was incredibly smart.

  Dad is only calling me to try to rub the fact that Kaitlin isn’t here in my face because he has dived back into the memories of what once was and the thoughts of what could have been. “You know, she had such a bright future ahead of her before you went and messed everything up.”

  My stomach clenches. I know that Kaitlin would have lived up to every single expectation my parents had for her. She was perfection at everything she did. She didn’t have to try at all. “Yeah” is all I can say. He’s trying to bait me. He wants a fight. He always does.

  “A future that was really going to take her somewhere. Not like your sorry ass excuse for a life.”

  I can tell he’s been drinking. His voices sounds a little slurred, and he usually doesn’t call me. Mom is the one that calls to give me the guilt trip treatment. I should just hang up the phone now and not listen to this, but my guilty conscience won’t let me. I deserve to hear every hateful thing he has to say to me. After all, it is entirely my fault his little girl is gone and all he has left is my pitiful ass.

  I clear my throat around the lump that has formed and move towards the living room. I need to sit down. I want to say something so badly, but I can’t. I don’t have any right to defend myself.

  Dad keeps going. “I really wish it would have you that was in that car. At least we would still have a child. You’re completely worthless.”

  I feel a growl growing deep within my chest. My breathing accelerates and I clench my fists. I’m surprised that I don’t crack my phone with the death grip I have on it. “I know that,” I grind out through my teeth.

  “What’s worse is that now we will never know what Kaitlin could have become because of your irresponsibility and selfishness,” he continues.

  I can’t take it anymore. I snap.

  “Don’t you think I don’t fucking know that!?! I’m so fucking sick of hearing about it every damn time you decide to call and rub this shit in my face! I know it’s all my fucking fault!” I scream into the phone before I hang up and throw it across the room. It hits the wall just outside of the bedroom door and shatters.

  I’m shaking and can’t get my breathing under control. My veins feel like they’re surging with electricity and the room feels like it’s spinning off its axis. Suddenly I feel small warm hands pulling my own hands down and away from my face. I open my eyes and I see Lynae kneeling on the floor in front of me, between my knees. Her eyes are wide and scared. I can’t look at her. She’s heard me yelling and now she’s going to want to know exactly what the problem is. She’s going to leave me as soon as she hears what I have to say. I don’t know if I could survive watching her walk away from me again.

  The sunlight filtering in through the kitchen window is making the highlights in her hair sparkle and shine. She is so goddamned beautiful that I can’t stand it. I reach out a hand to cup her face. Her skin is so soft. I could get lost in her eyes if given the chance.

  “Connor?” Her soft voice makes me lose all of my resolve.

  I get up and run out of the apartment. I keep running through the garage and out the back. I stop when I get to the bottom of the steps. Leaning my head back and looking up at the sun, I let out a loud groan. I don’t know what I’m yelling at, but I just yell up at the sky.

  Hands wrap around my shoulders from behind and pull me back into a soft chest. Hair cascades down over me and I inhale the sweet scent of coconut and mint. “Please talk to me, Connor. Don’t keep shutting me out.”

  I let her hold onto me. She anchors me and calms me in a way I never knew possible. She is supposed to be here resting, not worrying about me and my issues. I shake my head.

  “No, baby. I can’t. Not now.”

  I know I should.

  Lynae lets go
of my shoulders and moves so she’s standing in front of me. “Yes, now.”

  I look up at her. Her head is backlit by the sunlight. She looks as if she has a halo glowing around her beautiful face. She is my angel in the darkness. “I want to…” I trail off. I want to keep this moment frozen in time.

  Lynae crawls onto my lap, her legs straddling my own. She cups my face in both of her hands and looks deep into my eyes. “You have seen all the broken and ugly parts of me. You know my deepest and most painful secret, yet you still love me. You need to let me in. I know you have things you’re hiding too. Things you are ashamed of. Just know I will love you no matter what. Just let me in.” Her eyes are looking straight into my soul.

  I will love you no matter what. Those words just came out of those perfect lips. Lynae is sitting here telling me she loves me. My heart beats hard against my chest. My breath catches. I have been waiting for her to tell me this for so long now, I almost can’t breathe. I know in this moment I need to tell her everything. I can’t hold back any longer. She is absolutely right. I know the deepest, darkest secret that she held onto for years. Knowing that secret didn’t change my love for her, it only made me love her all the more because of the strength that she had to survive it.

  The only difference is, my secret is something to be ashamed of. It is something I had total control over, and I could have prevented it. She says she will still love me, but I know the truth. Lynae will leave me. I don’t deserve her in my life. And this feels like the most painful thing I have ever done. Losing Lynae will be more painful than losing Kaitlin. I know I won’t be able to survive that devastation.

  Taking a deep breath, I prepare to tell her about what a sorry and selfish bastard I am.

  “It’s all my fault that Kaitlin died.”

  Lynae leans back away from me, but keeps her hands on my cheeks. “I know that there is no way you can be held responsible for whatever happened to Kaitlin.”

  Pulling her hands down from my face, I hold them in my hands and bring them to my chest. I keep them locked tight within my grasp, just so I can savor the feeling of them in my hands for as long as I have her.

  “Yes. It is my fault. I killed her.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Lynae

  I don’t understand what I’m hearing. Connor told me Kaitlin died in a car accident. He even said he wasn’t driving. There’s no way that he should feel responsible for killing her. Accidents happen. They are horrible and terrible things, but they happen. I glance down at our joined hands and then up to his eyes. They’re brimming with tears. I want to take all his pain away.

  I woke up to the sound of Connor yelling. I’d wanted to talk to him last night and this morning about us starting over and working on making this relationship something we could build back up, but he insisted we come back here and get settled so I could rest first. We were alone in the apartment when I went to lay down, so I’m not sure who it could be that Connor’s arguing with. Worried it may be Sly coming over here to start another fight with Connor, I got up to check on things. The phone flew by my face and smashed against the wall by the door, startling me. Then I saw Connor cowered on the couch shaking.

  He looked so pained and so alone that my heart broke for him. I wanted to reach out and fix whatever it is that’s makes him so hurt. He sounded so broken. The pain in his voice ripped my heart out, and I couldn’t help but go to him to try to fix it. But he ran away from me. Just like I always do. I’ve let him push me away too many times in the past., It’s what caused us to be in this situation in the first place, but I’m not going to let him shut me out anymore. I love this man. He needs to know that I love him, and that despite everything he has said to me and everything that’s happened in the last few months, I am not going anywhere.

  “Listen to me. There is no way that you killed Kaitlin. You said yourself that you weren’t driving. It isn’t your fault.”

  Connor lets out a strangled groan. “It is my fucking fault.” A painful look crosses his face and he continues. “She was visiting me at school. She came to a party at one of the houses. Wade and I were getting shitfaced. Kaitlin wanted to see if she would be interested in enrolling there. She wanted to be close to me. Kept telling me that she missed me.”

  I remember Marcus and Wade telling me a few times that he and Kaitlin were pretty close growing up. They were only about a year and a half apart in age.

  “She didn’t really want to go to the party, I remember. But she wanted to hang out with us because it was her last night in town before she was driving back home. So she came with us. I’d had I don’t even know how many beers and this girl had been pawing at me all night, even blew me in the closet.”

  I shudder thinking about Connor with another woman, but I try to keep my feelings about that in check. The zoned out look in his eyes tells me he isn’t really here right now; he’s back in that moment all those years ago. He has a past. He can’t change it and neither can I. I need to let him get this off his chest. He’s finally talking and letting me in.

  “Kaitlin came up telling me that she wanted to go home, but I was headed upstairs to one of the bedrooms to finish what the chick and I had started earlier. I was thinking with my dick, not my head. I told her to fuck off and find her own ride home.” Connor’s voice cracks. “Besides, I was too drunk anyway. No way in hell I could have driven her. I don’t even remember what she said to me. I think I remember her giving me this little evil glare like she used to give me anytime I pissed her off, but I was too focused on getting upstairs to get off.”

  Connor starts shaking, his hands release mine only to wrap around my waist as he buries his face into my neck. I feel tears start to leak from his eyes, dampening my shirt. I wrap my own arms around his shoulders and start rubbing up and down, trying to soothe him. I don’t say anything. I’m afraid if I do, he’ll shut down. I feel that he needs to get this out. I need to let him tell this entire story without interruption. For some reason, I don’t think he’s ever let it all out before. Just like I’ve kept things inside, he has kept this pain locked away deep inside.

  “I woke up the next morning in a room I don’t remember going into with a blonde that I couldn’t even tell you her name. The first thing I thought was ‘Where the hell is Kaitlin?’ and I jumped out of bed and ran downstairs. The place was trashed and I didn’t see her anywhere. I tried calling her phone, but got no answer. I figured she called Marcus to come pick her up. They were pretty close, and Marcus didn’t come to the party because he had to work. I went back to mine and Wade’s apartment, but she wasn’t there either. The cops came by about an hour later. There was an accident. Kaitlin had gotten in a car with this guy, Rob. He was one of the fraternity brothers of the house the party was being held at. He slammed the car in to a tree. He walked away with barely a scratch on him. She was killed instantly,” Connor croaks out around his tears, now freely flowing onto my neck and shirt.

  “Mom and Dad told me to take care of her. They told me to watch after Kaitlin while she was visiting me. I failed. I let her go and now she’s gone. A fact that they never let me forget. They told me they wish I was the one that died that night. Sometimes I wish that were true.”

  What? His parents told him that they wish he were dead? No! That is horrible! What kind of people can say that to their child? I understand they are hurting, that they lost one of their children. But seriously! Connor lost his sister that day too. He didn’t do anything wrong. It all comes back to me now. The only times Connor and I have fought were surrounding times he was upset about Kaitlin. The weekend of her birthday, and then the morning before the big fight he was looking at the box that holds all of his mementos of Kaitlin. All of his pain stems from feeling he is responsible when he’s not.

  “Oh, Connor.” I squeeze him closer to me. I wish I could pull him inside me and make all of his pain go away.

  Connor lifts his face away from my neck and looks at me with the most grief-stricken and hurt-filled eyes I’ve ever se
en on him. “Baby, I swear to you that I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t want her to die. I hate myself. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew as soon as I did, you would hate me too.” Connor closes his eyes briefly, then looks over my shoulder. “You’re gonna leave now. You deserve so much better than me.”

  Taking my hands and pulling his gaze back to mine, I lock eyes with him. “Connor, listen to me.” He tries to pull his face away, but I don’t let him. “I can’t believe what you’ve been through. No child should have to be told the things you were told. You told me before that I didn’t do anything wrong. Well, I’m telling you the same thing now. Yes, you should have probably seen to Kaitlin instead of doing whatever it is that you did.” I pause, not really wanting to think about Connor being with another woman, but that was before me. I can’t change that and neither can he. “But you were young, drunk and stupid. Kaitlin made her own choices. She chose to leave with that guy.”

  “But it was my responsibility to look out for her.”

  “And she made her own decision. She should have known that he was intoxicated and shouldn’t have been driving, but she left with him anyway. You can’t change that. Your parents can’t change that. You didn’t do anything wrong!”

  “You’re gonna leave.” Connor still has tears streaming down his face. He looks like a lost little boy. “I couldn’t protect Kaitlin, I couldn’t protect you. Look what I did to you.”

  “Damn it, Connor! I’m not going anywhere!” I shout at him.

  “Yes you are! You are going to run away! You always run away from me when I act like an ass! And I deserve you running away! As much as it kills me, you need to live your life without me. All I will do is poison it and end up hurting you and the baby!” Connor cries, ripping his face away from my hands again.

  I push his shoulders back so he’s pressed against the cement steps we are sitting on. I put one hand on the middle of his chest directly over his heart. “You know what, I’ve tried living without you. I’ve tried to get over you. And I’ve learned something these past few weeks. I’m done.”