A Step to Nowhere

by Natasha A. Salnikova

  I gasped. I felt bad for all of the guys, but personally I’d known only him. I remembered his house and his cat. Who was going to feed him? I wanted to know if he had parents or a girlfriend.

  “I hope never to shoot again.” These words Steve said so quietly that I barely heard him. Poor guy. He went through a lot in his nineteen years of life.

  “I hope the information will be delivered,” I said.

  “Where is it?” a voice asked from the opposite side of the hallway. It was Ronald. I stood up and approached the wall, but couldn’t see him. Strange people looked at me from behind the glass walls of the other cells. I felt like a fish in an aquarium and decided not to get any if I ever got out of here.

  “We gave it to a reliable person,” I said with confidence, even though I wasn’t confident at all. My copy and I were as different as fire and water. Why did I trust this Jason so much? Intuition? Lack of choice? Both? Probably that was it.

  “I feel like pard,” somebody said. “What will people say about us? Hlifians are cowards?” We surrendered?”

  “Enough,” Ron said. “It was an order, you know that.”

  “Will that person deliver the information?” Steve asked.

  “We won’t have to torture ourselves long because of pride or spoiled reputation,” Ronald said.

  “I said bye to my wife when I was leaving this morning,” the man in front of me said.

  “My parents will never know if I’m alive or dead,” Steve said in a low voice, and I probably was the only one who’d heard him. Then he started to talk in a loud and suddenly cheerful voice. “Do you want to know what I’m going to do first thing when I leave this place and if Bristow is suspended? When all of his laws are canceled?”

  “Visit your parents?” I asked.

  “You’re right! That will be the first thing. Sure. But then I’ll get rid of this uniform. Oh, I hate it so much! I always followed fashion before the law of the standard look. I was real fandy.”

  I heard laughter from the cells, but couldn’t bring myself to smile. I thought about Ray. Was he alive? What if he died? He lost so much blood. Did they help him?

  “I will finally see my baby son,” somebody said.

  “I’ll have a huge party, drink like zacry and no one, no one will report me.”

  “That would be fadie! I will drink and then crash Bristow’s mansion!”

  “I will beat the pard out of that man who reported me!”

  “If I had known, I’d have killed him.”

  “Don’t you worry, we have the list. Who, when. Everything’s written in black on white.”

  “Fadie!”

  “We have to get out of here first and then think about revenge!”

  “We should be happy that everything will be over, not keep killing. Not thinking about revenge.”

  Then everyone started to talk at the same time, voices intertwined, turned into a buzz, and I closed my ears. I didn’t want revenge. I just wanted to know if Ray was alive.

  After some time, silent men brought us food. They shoved the trays under the narrow slots in the walls and left. Something yellow was on a plate along with something white. I wasn’t hungry. Most times my body reacted with the unusual ability to consume food during stress, but not this time. I lay down on a hard bench, pulled my knees to my chin, and closed my eyes. The night probably came and went, because when I woke up, almost moaning from the pain in my muscles, I saw different food on the tray. Something that looked like porridge and a round, plain pastry. I drank some water, sat up a little, looking at the opposite side of the hall. It seemed that I was the only woman on this floor. One of the men was sleeping, another one gazed at me.

  I sat down again. I didn’t know how long I had been sitting with my hands behind my head, when a shadow fell on the floor of my cell. I put my hands down and looked at the person.

  The glass wall slid to the side slowly and she entered the cell. Samantha Bristow.

  Her hair was smoothed into a ponytail; her dress was scarlet red—a happy cry of victory in this house of dead souls. Proud and beautiful as I had never been.

  I looked at her from her feet up, understanding that this was really the end of everything, not just silly me. Jason didn’t have time, maybe he changed his mind, and here she was. Death doesn’t come here dressed in a black cloak with a scythe on her shoulder; it wears a red dress and carries a small purse that probably contains a gun.

  “As I’ve told you before, I’m not going to miss seeing you being executed,” my copy said as she smiled. The smile of evil.

  “Where’s Ray?” I asked. “Is he alive?”

  “You should worry about yourself, not your lover. Whore. That’s what you say, right?”

  I stood up and hit her in the face. My wrist hurt from the swing and blow. Samantha’s head tilted back, her hair flipped up, and she fell out of the cell onto the clean hallway floor. Screams and hooting sounded from everywhere.

  “Good one, Sam!”

  “That’ll show her!”

  “Fadie!”

  Men in blue uniforms, onis guards, jumped to her side and picked her up while she was cursing me. Soldiers in black rushed to me, bent my arms behind my back, and fastened handcuffs around my wrists.

  When Samantha straightened up, with her face twisted in fury, she smoothed her hair, raised her chin, then walked to me and it was my turn to feel the strength of her hand. It burned my cheek, but I didn’t fall. Two big men held me safely.

  “Take her to block D,” Samantha said. She was drilling me with her eyes. “All of them. Now.”

  She turned away from me and was gone. The soldiers pulled me after her. I saw a dozen more men in black spreading over the hallway and opening walls of other cells.

  CHAPTER 43

  They killed inside the white walls of the corporation, but here in onis, the walls were painted gray. Tables with metal clamps for legs and arms and apparatuses dispensing poison were the same. Why did they need anything different if these things worked perfectly? On this planet, they had created a system for transporting people to another universe, a remote/telephone, and a perfect killing machine. Great minds they were. Who had created these devices? Ray and company?

  Ray. No, he couldn’t.

  They took us to different rooms that were separated by glass walls, so prisoners could enjoy beholding each other’s death. Everything was made for the pleasure and comfort of a human being. A human being that was going to take the trip of his life. Here they had entertainment, cozy beds, and even a polite assistant, helping them to go to another world with as few problems as possible. Oh, I forgot to mention …! Everything was free! Who would refuse that?

  Before getting on the table, I noticed Steve looking in my direction. The fear in his eyes was bright like an overripe strawberry. I wanted to tell him something nice, some simple words that probably wouldn’t make him feel better anyway. I couldn’t do it.

  The rooms were narrow. From one side there was just enough space for an executioner and a couple of guys in black uniforms. They chained me to the table with fury as I was resisting, not even thinking about it. What would my resistance bring me? A sweet feeling in the form of electroshock? Maybe they just hated me and wanted me to die quickly? Could they see her in me? I just wanted everything to be over and I thought about my mom. She was going to have no one. On my planet, I was on a list of people missing without a trace. My mom’s heart would never find peace. My friends would remember me sometimes and hope that aliens would bring me back after their experiences. Sometimes we joked like this, sharing drinks, laughs, and good times. We called it word trash. Would they remember me? My poor mother.

  My vision had gotten blurry and I bit my lip to stop myself from crying, staring at the blue dome hanging over me. Under it, probably, was a camera. I smiled. If my copy was on the other side watching me, maybe she would get sick from it. Only, I heard her voice in the room. I couldn’t lift my head to meet her gaze, but I didn’t have to do it by mys
elf. The executioner stepped away, making a space for her. I inhaled the aroma of astringent perfume and thought that it was another difference between us. I enjoyed light, flowery scents.

  She was smiling. Triumphantly. I smiled back. She rolled her eyes and smirked. One kind of communication. Without words. And I didn’t want to talk. What could I tell her that she hadn’t already known about? I wanted to know about Ray, but would she tell me?

  “I’d inject you with poison myself, but I don’t like needles,” Samantha said. “I guess watching you in agony will have to do. This death is not the most humane. Too bad it is fast and you won’t suffer for long.”

  Bitch.

  “You can’t take my place,” I said. “You can’t fool my mother, my boyfriend, or my friends.”

  “Are you talking about that boyfriend of yours that you cheated on? Don’t worry about him. It’s very easy to get rid of people who would obstruct my plan. We’ve worked on your planet for a long time, you have to realize that. We don’t make mistakes. If some people cause problems to our replacements, we liquidate them.”

  “You can’t liquidate everyone.”

  “Why?”

  I compressed my teeth, showing Samantha my pain and helplessness. She smiled, but in a moment her smile was gone.

  “Do it,” she said, and let the executioner in the white uniform take her place. He also had brown eyes. He started to unwind a clear tube with a needle as he glanced at me. He was comparing me to my copy I was sure.

  “Ray loves me,” I said, closing my eyes and trying to think about anything else besides the needle that was ready to penetrate my skin. I wanted to add the words my Ray, Ray from Planet Two, but didn’t say it. I was afraid if I talked I would cry. He would never know that I was in love with him and I couldn’t turn anything back. Not anymore.

  Often we are afraid of making mistakes; if we look ridiculous we might lose an opportunity. It’s better to make mistakes than to regret not trying. Only it was too late for me to think about that. Maybe it’s time to pray.

  The needle burnt my skin, drilled my vein, entered extraneously into my blood. I bit my lip. It doesn’t hurt! Don’t moan, don’t cry; think about something good.

  “Ray’s dead,” she said.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. Soon, I wasn’t going to care. My arm started getting numb. I was going away and it was good. No pain, no …

  Probably the poison had started to affect my brain, because I heard a noise and then a scream, followed by a sharp pain in my arm, a touch to my cheek and his voice.

  “Sam? Sam!”

  “Almost there,” my lips whispered. Soon it was going to be over. No pain.

  “Teridzin! Quickly! I said, NOW!”

  I didn’t recognize the voice. Who else was here? Why? Couldn’t I die in peace?

  “Sam.” It was him again. “Everything is over.”

  “So fast? I didn’t feel much.” I didn’t want to open my eyes. “I hope we are both in paradise.”

  “It’ll take a while to get there.”

  “What?”

  “Did you finish reading?” somebody asked. Was it … Ray?

  “Ye … yes,” somebody else answered. “It’s the President’s signature.”

  “Get away!” Another man’s voice. It was pretty noisy in the world of the dead and I was shooting for quiet. Sharp pain in my arm again and then something icy entered my vein, spreading like cold fire over my body. I opened my eyes wide. Everything was too bright and too blurry. Faces over me, voices.

  “I think we just made it,” somebody else said.

  To my surprise, my legs and arms were freed. Somebody helped me to sit up and when the fog in front of my eyes disappeared, I saw Ray. He was wearing a blue shirt that was bristling on one side, probably from bandages. His hair was bristling, too.

  “I made it. I made it.”

  “You’re dead,” I muttered, touching his cheek. Warm. Down my arm, starting at a joint was running a thin rivulet of blood. I had buried him, but he was safe and sound.

  “Not dead yet, but will die!”

  I turned to Samantha. Her face—an ugly grimace, her arms behind her back and two men in green uniforms on both sides of her.

  “What’s going on?”I asked Ray.

  “Take her away,” he said, and the men pulled my copy from the room.

  “How can you do this to me?” she screamed. “I love you! ... I hate all of you!”

  I turned to Ray only after Samantha’s voice disappeared completely.

  “Did it work? Are we free now?” I asked. I looked at him, waiting for some catch. When he came to my white room in the corporation for the first time, he had announced that I was on a parallel planet and I had been kidnapped.

  “That guy …”

  “Jason?”

  “Jason. He gave all the materials to the right people.”

  I covered my mouth with my hand.

  “You can finally go home.”

  “Excuse me. Mr. Bancroft?”

  Ray stepped back and an older woman with gray hair approached me. She looked at my face cautiously, pulled up my eyelids with her finger, peeked into my eyes. It was so fast I didn’t even have time to push her hand away.

  “You’re lucky,” she said as she turned to Ray who was standing by the metal machine. “A few more seconds and all the Teridzin in the world wouldn’t have saved her. Girl, you’ve been born again.” The woman patted my shoulder. She didn’t know how many times I’d been reborn these last few days. I sort of got used to it and couldn’t get surprised or happy that I was pulled out of death’s grip again.

  When the woman moved away Ray hugged me and I, still not understanding everything that was going on, hugged him back. He took one big, deep breath when I probably pressed on his wound and I let him go.

  “Sorry.”

  He pulled me back to his chest.

  “So, it worked?” I asked again.

  “Yes, we did it. Thanks to you.”

  “Unfortunately, we didn’t save everyone,” the woman said as she left.

  I looked behind Ray’s back, to the next room and my heart sank.

  Two men in white uniforms talked with each other, nodded. Steve was still lying on the table even though his arms and legs weren’t strapped.

  Suddenly, the victory lost its sense. Probably I should have cried, but instead I felt anger. Fury. If Samantha was near me now I would strangle her. I’d squeeze her pathetic soul out of her body. A soul that was incapable of love and compassion.

  “We did everything we could. I hope we saved most people, but I had to save you.”

  “You should have saved him!” I yelled as I jumped from the table. My head became dizzy and I almost fell, but Ray supported me. I pulled my hand away even though I understood that it wasn’t his fault. He really had done everything he could. “He’s nineteen. He wanted to see his parents! He wanted to take off that stupid uniform!” I covered my mouth with my hand, stopping the angry sob. I looked at the men transferring Steve from the table to the cart. The table with the dome I was once on. They rode the dead on them to fry them in the microwave.

  “Are they going to tell his parents or just destroy his body?” I demanded as I walked into the hallway, fighting the dizziness that didn’t want to go away.

  “You need to sit down,” Ray said.

  In the hallway, by Steve’s room, there stood Ronald. Unlike me, he was crying.

  “I told him … I didn’t want … I shouldn’t have …” he muttered as he pointed to the room.

  “I’ll send people to find his parents,” Ray said, approaching us. I watched the dome closing over Steve.

  “I know where his parents are,” Ronald said as he wiped his eyes. “I know you wanted to save us, ordering us to surrender. Besides Sam and me only two people are alive. Dan …”

  Ray clapped Ronald’s shoulder.

  “I want to hope that everything is over,” Ronald said. “I want it. It’s all because of you, S
am.”

  I shook my head and went away from the people along the hallway. I didn’t know where I was going. I just wanted to be alone.

  CHAPTER 44

  “Because of you, our lives will change,” Ray was saying on our way to the corporation. I was silent. I thought that sooner or later it would have happened anyway, but maybe without sacrificing so many people. Maybe without my involvement everything would have gone differently. Or not? Probably before the changes even more people would have died from this planet and mine. I tried to assure myself that events like this didn’t come without a price. To save thousands of people, hundreds had to die. But if the doctor had gone first to Steve’s room, not mine … Then my mother wouldn’t see my again.

  “They closed the lottery yesterday,” Ray said. He was sitting near me, on the backseat of the black, limousine-like vehicle. “Bristow’s still in the hospital, but my wife’s under arrest, you know that.”

  I nodded.

  “I talked to the President the whole morning, convincing him that without you and the guys nothing would have happened. He was telling me that my group took the building, that too many people were killed, but in reality he was happy to regain his power. He was happy not to owe anything to Bristow. Now, our President owes you. If you could see what happened when the TV station rolled the films. It was a tsunami. A tsunami of people and emotions.

  I listened to him and looked out the window at the gray, strange and familiar city. There was no lottery advertising but instead, on all big screens, the actor from my planet or the President from this one was speaking to his people. Most people I’d seen on the streets were still wearing uniforms, but some had already changed into dresses, T-shirts, jeans. They pulled out clothes that were buried in their closets. The streets were full of celebration. People didn’t kiss or hug each other, they had to rebuild trust, but they seemed happy. Most of them, at least.

  These people had to adjust to the thought that no one was going to report anyone anymore. It would take time, but it was going to happen. For now, in the reports that we watched on a TV built into the roof of the car, they were talking not only about celebration, but also about acts of vandalism. They talked about fights between informers and former irnaners. They announced some murders. Ray assured me that it was temporary. They were like dogs that had been chained from an early age. They didn’t know what to do with this sudden freedom. They weren’t sure that this freedom was real or that it was going to last.