Revive

by Mary Wasowski

  “Still, Karen, that was a dirty trick. You succeeded in hurting Thea, but did you think of me? Seeing me graduate from college was a big deal for my mother and throwing a party in my honor was also a big deal, so to hear the nasty rumors that were circling around afterwards hurt my mom and Thea’s mom too. Look, it was a long time ago, and as far as I know, Thea never maliciously set out to hurt you. You two just never clicked, and you used me to get back at her. Don’t you think for the sake of peace, you let it go? It doesn’t do any good for you to carry around all of that past hurt and negative feelings. If I could move on from it, then so could you. You have done so well in the last few years, and I’ve been there every step of the way. I would hate to see you down spiral now because of an old grievance you had with people from high school.”

  “Okay, Nick, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll cut the past loose if you can do the same, because with the look on your face when you walked in here tonight, it’s clear you are still holding onto something that has kept you in the same emotional place after all these years. Don’t you think it’s time you take your own advice and open your heart up to the possibility of sharing your life with someone other than Thea? She had her chance with you, and she never knew what she had.”

  Karen picked up her bags and continued, “I have to go. Therapy session is over. I have two beautiful girls waiting on me, and they need me more than this conversation right now. See ya, boss.”

  “Karen, don’t be like that. Come on, just stay a few minutes to talk.”

  “About what, Nick? What else can we possibly talk about?”

  “How about Gigi and Trinity? How are they doing?”

  “Seriously? You are asking about my kids?”

  “Yeah, what’s so crazy about that? You always used to bring them around the firehouse, and now I hardly see them.”

  “Why do you care if you see the girls or not? It’s not like you are their dad, so why do you care so much?”

  God! This woman is exasperating. I don’t know, Karen, maybe I care because I care for their mother? I care because I have always liked you and not just as a friend. I was an idiot back then holding out for someone who probably was never mine as I once believed. I care because I see something so special in you that you don’t see yourself. Yeah, woman, I fucking care about you and your girls. I just never knew that you cared the same way about me. Now that I do, I think it’s time I stop fighting my feelings and just show you.

  Without another thought, I took Karen in my arms and kissed her gently at first, hoping she would allow me in. Then she opened up and did just that. I had my hands in her long, thick rows of curls that flowed beautifully down her back. Her hands tightened around my waist, and I knew she was in this with me. When I finally broke our connection, she looked at me with glazed over eyes and caught her breath.

  “Nick…what…are you…doing?”

  Wow! I never thought I would render Karen Lombardi speechless. I didn’t answer her question with words, I showed her with actions. I knew I could probably take her right here in my bar, but Karen deserved better than that and I did too. So after hopefully showing her that I did hear what she had to say, I ran my hand gently down her cheek, her neck, her shoulder, her arm until I reached for her hand and placed a kiss upon it.

  “That, my beautiful girl, was me warming up to new possibilities,” I said with a wink as I walked out the door, leaving her speechless, which was not easy to do.

  I was choosing my words very carefully when explaining to Carter who Nick Bartelli was, and who he once was to me. How do you summarize years of friendship in a few simple sentences? You don’t, because it is impossible to do when talking about someone who you once loved and dreamed of sharing a life with.

  I told Carter about my parents and how I worshipped the ground my father walked on. I told him about the firehouse where I spent most of my childhood playing with all the firefighter kids, discovering as I became of age that I had feelings for Nick which ran deeper than friendship.

  I added a few high school stories too, especially the one where we all got caught smoking pot and drinking at Trudie’s house, when we thought her parents would be gone for the entire weekend, but her father came down with food poisoning and crashed our party. Trudie was grounded for a month, and my father took my phone out of my bedroom. Once we received pardons from our wardens, we still had a few weeks left of summer, and it was one of the best memories of my life. It was the year Nick declared his feelings for me and we began dating.

  We dated all throughout high school and most of college. After I told Carter that part, he practically busted out with laughter. I smacked him hard on his chest to make him stop, but he was now full-on laughing until he buried his face in one of my many pillows I kept on the bed.

  “It’s not that funny. Why are you still laughing?” I questioned him.

  “I’m sorry, love, I really am, but seriously? Thea, explain to me how you are still hung up on this guy. He sounds more like a big brother than a boyfriend. He was your big protector—pretty much over all the girls in your group—but you were the one he got to kiss goodnight. You sounded like cute kids with a bad case of puppy love, but did you really believe you would spend the rest of your life with this guy? If that were true, then you would still be with him now, not here with me.”

  “You don’t understand, Carter. It was different for Nick and me, and I did love him for a long time. But when he didn’t propose to me at our party, I was crushed and so hurt. I felt betrayed by him and I wanted to hurt him back, so I broke up with him right then and there. And because I was stubborn, I held my ground and totally cut him off.”

  “And how many years has it been since you have seen him?”

  “Over ten years, maybe even close to twelve, not including this past weekend.”

  “Thea, I think I have heard enough about your past with Nick. What I want to know is how you feel about him now? After all the years apart, how do you feel about Nick and the man he is today?”

  “Carter, please let this go already. I told you that I no longer have feelings for him, not the way you are thinking. I’ll never forget my childhood, nor will I forget my growing up in our neighborhood or the friends that I considered family. I had so many honorary firefighter uncles. The family I came from was big and very loving. Nick and his family were a big part of my life and the person I once was. You never forget who you are, Carter.”

  “Yes, I understand that, Thea. We all have a past with all sorts of memories that have meaning to us and how they affect our lives, but sweetheart, that was a long time ago. You asked me to let it go. Well, you first, and then I will! We have known each other for nearly four years and been together for over two, and this is the first time I am really hearing any intimate details of your life. Why is that? Have you always been this closed off and I was just too blind to see it? In order for us to work out, we have to be completely honest with one another, and that means sharing our feelings, no matter how much it pains us to do so. And what I mean by that is sharing what scares us the most.”

  He continued, “It’s easy talking about our day to day and what we want to do for the upcoming weekend, but baby, you never go beyond that. I need more from you. No, I demand more. If you are unable to give me all of you, then I don’t know if we have a chance in hell at making it. I love you and I do want to marry you, but to do that, baby, you have to decide what you want and who you want. My dream is for you to allow me to love you with all that I am and to show you all we can be.”

  He kissed me gently on my lips, then left my bed and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. A few minutes later he emerged fully dressed, looking so broken.

  “Please, Carter, stay with me. I need you so much. If you leave and walk out my door, I fear you are not going to come back, and how the hell am I going to be able to reason with that fact? You say you love me, yet you are leaving. I have been talking for so many hours, my throat hurts. I have answered as many of your questi
ons as I can, and yet you are still leaving. Why?” I begged.

  “You know why I am leaving, Thea, and you sit here with your big doe eyes and try to turn it around on me. I wasn’t the one that almost cheated.”

  Oh no, please no. How could Carter know about my kiss with Nick? That was the one part of my story I carefully chose not to disclose to him. What was I doing? Carter always had a way of looking right through me, just as he was doing right now. He slowly came back over to where I was sitting up on the bed. He took a knee to the mattress and with his hands, he pushed me down and hovered over me.

  He said, “For a minute, I never would have believed that what I just accused you of might have been true. If I were a gambling man, then for sure I would have lost that bet. Are you going to deny it?”

  “Carter, nothing happened with Nick in New York. From the moment I arrived, I was apprehensive from the beginning. I argued with mom, and then I felt guilty for hurting her. Being back there just stirred up so many feelings within me, and I regretted my decision to ever return. Please don’t leave me. I swear to you, Carter, I never had any intention on seeing Nick. My mother forced my hand and made me escort her to the luncheon. I didn’t want to go, but that luncheon was for her, not me, so I went and hated every minute of it.” Carter was still holding me, but his face softened as he continued to listen on.

  I explained, “After Nick’s mother cornered me and bombarded me with question after question, I excused myself and never ran so fast for an exit. But then something happened. And this is the part that you will not like.”

  “Tell me, Thea, and do not spin a tall tale. Tell me the truth.”

  “Carter, that really hurts me that you think I will choose to lie to you. Do you even realize how hard this entire night of questions and answers has been on me? I don’t lie, and I haven’t with you.”

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, but try to put yourself in my shoes for one damn second. I’m trying here, babe, but cut me some slack. It hasn’t been the greatest few days knowing you were on the other side of the country without me, and you refused to let me come with you.”

  “That was wrong of me to do that. I should have had you come home with me. Mom would have loved meeting you. She’s kind of a fan.”

  “That’s it! Book us some tickets. You know I love my fans.”

  I lunged forward and grabbed Carter by his face. I loved this side to him when he was so comfortable and joked around so carefree.

  He said, “You know what, babe, maybe I shouldn’t meet your mom.”

  “Oh, and why is that?” I smiled and played along with him.

  “Well, she’s probably a real looker, and I may just dump you and fall in love with Frannie. Ha! I love that name. It’s so cute.”

  “You are cute, and I love you, Carter. Thank you for not leaving and staying to listen.”

  “I should have never gotten dressed. That knee-jerk reaction was because I was afraid on what you might tell me next. So do your worst. I love you too, but no king of the mountain ex-boyfriend is going to steal my girl from me.”

  “Promise?” I nervously asked him.

  “Yes, I promise. If it is I whom you want, then you have me, babe.”

  “I do, Carter, and I should have told you a long time ago. At the luncheon, I saw Nick from across the room, and I did all I could to ignore him. I wasn’t sure if he saw me, but when I reached the door, I was grabbed from behind and pulled into an empty office. It was Nick, and he was so shocked that I was standing in front of him again, after so many years apart. He whispered my name and then kissed me. I was so shocked that this was happening that I returned his kiss, but then of course I knew it was wrong, and that’s when he pulled back. He said a few words to me and then regretted the act he just did. He turned to leave and just left me there.”

  I continued, “I was confused by his actions, and when I finally got back to my mother’s house, I so wanted to just fly back here and forever forget that I came back. You called and, without realizing she was standing at my door, mom heard it all, and that’s when I told her about you. She was clearly hurt that I never shared our relationship with her, and of course, my distance and secrets hurt her again. The next day I met with my friend, Trudie, who is just amazing. We had lunch, walked around the city and talked, and then she brought me to one of our favorite bars we all used to hang out in when we were in college. Little did I know that a girl from my past who hated me just for breathing worked there. Karen told me off, I got mad at Trudie, and then the owner walked in. Lo and behold, it was Nick.”

  I went on, “After Trudie left, I was stuck with Nick, who asked me to meet him and his mom for dinner with my mom. I didn’t want to, but he insisted I go so we might talk later and clear the air. I lied through my teeth, Carter, and told him what he wanted to hear, but as soon as I got home, I lied to mom and told her there was an emergency back at work and I needed to catch a flight. I was such a coward and left my mom to deal with Nick. I just couldn’t do it. It was a mistake ever going there, a bigger mistake kissing him, and the biggest mistake leaving you behind when you should have been with me. That’s it, babe, the entire story.”

  Carter continued to hold me, and this time around, stayed with me. There was no anger showing on his face. He dropped his eyes to me, and then the questions followed.

  “If he hadn’t pulled back from your kiss, would you have taken it further?”

  “No, Carter, I wouldn’t have.”

  “Are you sure? You know what they say about lovers who are meant to be: the heart wants what the heart wants and damn it to hell about anyone else’s feelings. You had him right there in an empty office. He could have taken you right there on the desk. Did you want that? And with him?”

  “No! Please, Carter, do you think so lowly of me?”

  “No, I hate him for touching you. I hate him for putting his mouth on you. I hate the fact that you allowed those acts and instead of walking away, slapping him hard, and kneeing him in the balls, you returned the kiss. That is what I think, and it guts me. I want to trust you, Thea. I want to believe that every minute we were apart, you were thinking of me, but I know that’s not true. I at least want to believe that you felt some sense of remorse after you kissed him back and thought of me and how I would feel about it. Did you? Did I ever cross your mind? And our relationship?”

  “Yes, of course you did. I’m home, aren’t I? I made a foolish mistake, Carter, one that I regret. If I had stayed, then I would have told Nick that.”

  “But you left before you could say those things, right?”

  “Yes, I did. I’m where I want to be.”

  He deeply sighed, and I knew he was brooding with all that I revealed to him. But Carter stayed and then in a flash shrugged his clothes off and took me again in a punishing manner. I took him inside of me as deep as I could with my legs around his waist, keeping him connected with me. He kissed and left marks all over me, some worse than others, but I knew Carter needed this here with me, and so did I. He was wild and dominating, sending me a clear message that my heart, body, and soul belonged only to him.

  Our sexual relationship was beyond explosive at times. We hungrily went at each other for hours until Carter passed out from exhaustion. I felt every hard inch of him as he fucked me into the mattress. Sometimes he held my hands in place, and then he couldn’t get enough of my touch and demanded my hands on him. He loved when I raked my nails along his back and clutched his firm ass as he pumped harder into me.

  Tonight, Carter proved repeatedly how serious his commitment was to me. It was so much more than sex. If I doubted his feelings, I would have never engaged in the hours we fucked, played, and then made love here tonight. Carter was beautiful, and he knew it. Women flocked all around him, but his eyes never strayed from mine.

  I watched him sleep peacefully with my hand in his, always requiring some form of touching as he slept beside me. I had to pee in the worst way. I carefully slipped out of bed without wak
ing him and then went into the bathroom to take care of business. My muscles were beyond sore. I could use a hot soak in the tub right about now, but the sound of the water would surely wake Carter, and then he would be fucking me in the shower. I opted to give my body a rest instead. Just thinking of him made my thigh muscles clench. How I craved him and desperately wanted him all the time.

  I cleaned up the best I could, and splashed some cold water on my face. Next was my hair, it was a mess. I combed the tangles out of my thick mane of curls and waves, and tied it back in a braid. In the most intimate moments when we would fuck hard to gently making love, his hands always found my hair. It was a Dom move, no doubt about it. He would clutch each side of my head and pull as he would take, fuck, and bring me to the edge of climax.

  I was exhausted from traveling and so done with talking about my past. I knew I would still have to deal with mom and her questions, but that was on the back burner for now. Carter was enough to handle, and I knew what was coming next. He wanted the answer to his proposal, and I was out of time with delaying and putting him off.

  When I crawled back in bed, it instantly made him turn and hold me to his chest. I breathed him in and was thankful for Carter in my life and for loving me the way he did.

  Once upon a time, I thought this would be me and Nick, but that was a long time ago. I had to live in the now, and once and for all, let Nicholas Bartelli go.

  “I love you, mom. You have yourself an amazing trip! Call me the minute you get home in Florida, okay?”

  “I love you too, son. Thank you for supporting me. I can’t wait for the cruise and to see Charles again. We talked this morning, and he is just as excited. His plane should arrive within the hour, and then we pick up his connecting flight to Miami.”

  “Sounds like a fun adventure. I am happy for you, mom. Please don’t ever doubt it.”