The Queen’s Code

by Alison A Armstrong

  “How'd it go?”

  Claudia turned in his arms and looked up at him. “As well as one could expect, I suppose.”

  “Are you disappointed?”

  “Not disappointed,” she sighed and put her head on his chest. “I am worried about my girl. Both my girls, actually.”

  “How so?”

  She looked up at him, but didn't move from his arms. He'd hold her for as long as she wanted. “Well, Kimberlee fidgeted with the honesty requirement. She is desperately afraid that I will find out what happened to her. She cannot imagine that I would have already figured it out from the drastic change in her at age ten.”

  “Can't you tell her that you already know and put her out of her misery?” He smoothed a soft curl of white hair from her forehead.

  Claudia squeezed him but shook her head. “Doing that would have her stop fearing discovery by me. But it would not set her free. She has to release the shame that keeps her silent. It is the only way she will overcome what happened.”

  He nodded in understanding, grateful for Claudia's compassion and wisdom. “And Karen? You said you were worried about both your girls.”

  Claudia disengaged from his arms and slumped on the couch. “I am sure she will be fine in the long run. She is miserable because women tend to think that whatever bad thing is happening now will continue forever. While they often think that a good thing will disappear any moment. We lack perspective since the worry part of our brain — the amygdala — is more active than in men. It can make us lose faith.”

  Once again, Burt was impressed by the extent of Claudia's understanding. Amygdala? Since Claudia was clearly exhausted, he'd have to look that one up himself. Meanwhile, he removed her shoes and began rubbing her feet.

  “Would grilled cheese and tomato soup be appealing?”

  KAREN arrived home and had her usual reaction to the open garage door: Lazy. She grabbed an empty paper cup as she got out of her car. As she turned to throw it away, she was confronted by a full trash can. Clueless, she thought. Passing by Mike's office, she glanced in at the piles of paper and slew of blueprints. Slob came to mind.

  Still, she was gladder to see Mike than she had been in awhile. She noticed his shoulders relax when she smiled at him and it contrasted with the tension that had been present between them for months. The days of easy companionship and frequent, passionate sex had disappeared many ovulation cycles ago.

  Reminding herself that she was committed to extending the same honesty to Mike that she had promised Claudia, she plopped down beside him. With a rueful laugh, she patted him on the knee and said, “Well, Honey, I don't have the solution yet, but I'm in for a wild ride. Claudia already said something baffling.”

  Mike cocked his head, interested. “And what was that?”

  “She said that getting pregnant would be easy once we focused on our sex life.”

  “I love that woman!” Mike responded, slapping his thigh.

  Immediately Karen felt hurt. Well, screw you Mr. Sensitive, she thought and got up from the couch. As she climbed the stairs, Mike called out, “What'd I say?” She turned the corner to their room and saw him slump dejectedly. That made her angrier. He's the inconsiderate one. He doesn't get to pout.

  She sat on the bed feeling sorry for herself, then remembered the first part of her assignment: to notice what she thought about men. Grabbing her journal from the nightstand, she wrote:

  Lazy, clueless, slobs

  Insensitive

  Inconsiderate

  Selfish

  Self-centered babies

  Recalling the second part of their assignment, to record what was happening when she experienced all kinds of emotions and reactions, she wrote:

  Leaving the garage door open

  Not taking out the trash when it's full

  Keeping his office a mess

  Not paying attention to how I feel

  Gloating

  Hurting me and acting all innocent as if he

  doesn't know what he did

  Feeling sorry for himself

  Writing it down didn't help. Why was Claudia having them do this? It made her more furious. What a jerk! she thought as she took off her clothes and climbed into the bathtub. She knew he wouldn't bother her there; she could stay until he went to sleep. She thought Kim was lucky to not have to put up with a man. If only we didn't have to live with them, we could get along better. They're so annoying.

  KIMBERLEE noticed her staff looking at her strangely as, every few minutes, she wrote something in the small spiral-bound notebook she carried around. It was easier than making a trip back to her office every time she reacted to one of the men at work.

  One of her male processors finally asked, “Are you doing some kind of informal review?”

  She hoped he didn't notice her fumble for an answer. “Oh, no. Nothing like that. Uh, umm … I have a bunch on my mind and it helps to write it down.” She made a hasty escape.

  Munching on a salad at her desk, she reviewed the highlights of the last few days:

  Moving over in traffic without signaling – UNCOMMUNICATIVE, SELFISH and STUPID

  Racing other drivers – IMMATURE, STUPID

  Pushing by at the lunch counter, as if no one else is there – CLUELESS, DULL, BLIND, RUDE

  And sneering in disdain if she commented – BUTTHEADS

  Jack checking me out, as if I didn't notice – LECHEROUS, HORNY ASSHOLE (can I say that?)

  Not listening to or following her specific instructions – SELF-ABSORBED, ARROGANT

  Raul holding up his hand, “Let's take this one thing at a time.” – CONTROLLING, LIMITED, SLOW

  Raul pushing month-end results – SELFISH, SHORT-SIGHTED, INCONSIDERATE

  Racing to finish their data entry first – COMPETITIVE, IDIOTIC, IMMATURE, STUPID

  Not remembering the tasks she assigned first thing Monday morning (while the women did) – STUPID, SLOW, DENSE, SIMPLETONS

  As she groaned over her own observations, it occurred to her that most of her frustrations came from working with men. Karen is lucky, she thought, she gets to work with children.

  MELISSA rushed to pick up the phone, tucking it between her ear and shoulder to keep mixing the cake batter. They were hosting a birthday party for one of Scott's colleagues tonight and if she kept going, she'd be ready on time.

  “You know, you're going get a crick in your neck that way,” Kimberlee greeted her. Her friend could always distinguish the muffled sound of Melissa multitasking while on the phone. Of course, Melissa thought, when am I not multitasking? There is a ton to do around here and I've gotta do it all myself. I need a headset, that's what I need.

  “Hey, K, watcha doing? No PEOPLE magazine today?” She was well aware of how Kimberlee zoned out in the middle of her workday.

  “Nah, M. I already finished this week's edition of star romance drama and weight-loss intrigue. I'm working on my assignment from my grandmother.”

  “And what's that?” Melissa knew Kimberlee had begun her “man lessons” but had not gotten any details.

  When Kimberlee hesitated, she wondered why.

  “Um, well, I have to notice what I think of men,” Kimberlee said slowly.

  “That's easy,” Melissa responded immediately. “They're self-centered, money-grubbing, power-hungry aaasss-holes.”

  She quickly looked around to see if any of her children had noticed the bad word. Scott hated it when she swore around his innocent darlings. Not that he's here to witness it much, she thought. The boys were absorbed in a video game and Sarah was still asleep in her playpen. She felt a moment of glee at getting away with something.

  Kimberlee chucked. “Well, I might have argued with you before. I thought I had a better opinion of them. But mine isn't any more flattering. Every time I turn around, they're doing something immature or stupid.”

  Melissa smiled, feeling connected to her friend again. “Well, you can't help it that you're smart. There aren't many men that can match you. The
ones that have the brains have the downside of being idiot savants. Mathew was a perfect example: genius physicist; moron at relating to people.”

  She felt the uncomfortable silence again. Why aren't the old lines funny anymore?

  She covered with, “Anything to report back about your first session? Did you find out they truly are frogs, and it's not your fault you reveal the ruse so quickly?”

  “Um, well, there's not a lot to say,” Kimberlee mumbled. “Ah, Mel, I gotta get back to work. New policy month, new major deadlines to meet. I'll call you over the weekend.”

  “Okay, bye,” Melissa said. But Kimberlee had already hung up. Dropped that like a hot potato, didn't she?

  KIMBERLEE arrived first at the tiny café. She felt awkward meeting the two women after their evening yoga class, but the place seemed nice enough. She ordered a latte, found a table in the most private corner and waited.

  When the ladies arrived, she smiled at her grandmother in yoga pants and a T-shirt and exchanged a hug with her and a strange little squeeze with Karen. She was agitated but noticed Grandmother-Claudia seemed more at ease than last week.

  Does that mean she'll go harder or easier on us? Kimberlee worried and then harshly reminded herself: You asked for this. Did you think it would be easy, giving up a lifetime of Frog Farming and trying to learn how to be a queen?

  “Well, ladies, how did you do with your assignment?” Claudia began as soon as they were settled. “Could you read aloud the qualities you wrote down about men?”

  Kimberlee began, self-conscious about her answers and the public location. “Okay. Here it goes. It's kind of repetitive. ‘Uncommunicative, selfish, stupid, immature, stupid, clueless, dull, blind, rude, buttheads, lecherous, horny, self-absorbed, arrogant, controlling, limited, slow, selfish, short-sighted, inconsiderate, competitive, idiotic, immature, stupid, stupid, slow, dense and simpletons.’” She read with resignation and noticed Karen checking off her list.

  “Wonderful!” Claudia said.

  “Wonderful? How can that be wonderful?” Kimberlee asked, lowering her voice.

  “Well, because you noticed,” Claudia replied, “Noticing is the beginning of consciousness. Until you notice your thoughts, they think you, and you have no choice about your actions.”

  Kimberlee persisted, deliberately ignoring her grandmother's provocative statement. “But how can thinking men are largely clueless, stupid and immature be wonderful?”

  Claudia patted her hand and it irritated Kimberlee. She wasn't in the mood for her sympathy and she didn't want to be patronized. “Oh, and add patronizing,” she snarked.

  “Ouch,” her grandmother said with feeling. After a moment, she added, “I did not mean to patronize. I am sorry. I only meant to assure you that you did well — for a start. But this is not the finish line. I intend to show you where your thinking comes from, which may allow you to become free of it.”

  Claudia's reaction surprised her. She was used to people covering their emotions; that was standard operating procedure in the workplace.

  Kimberlee calmed herself down. “I probably overacted, Grandmother. I mean Claudia. I'm sorry, too.” She paused. “It's only that being a woman, and younger than most of the people I manage, I get patronized by men a lot. And by older women too. Especially Myra, who's always saying, ‘You'll see. You'll realize men are pigs soon enough.’”

  Karen looked confused.

  “Myra's my mother,” Kimberlee continued intensely. “She hates men, and for good reason. She's been alone since my father ditched her when she was pregnant with me.”

  Karen nodded uncomfortably. At the moment, Kimberlee didn't care that she'd upset the apple cart. Paying attention to what she really thought about men made her feel doomed. Maybe Melissa's right. They are assholes.

  CLAUDIA felt this was going quite well, even though her own temperament preferred more temperate interactions. Starting off with a bang, she thought optimistically.

  She asked Karen, “What do you have to add, my dear? Is your list similar?”

  Karen shifted in her seat. “Actually, I'm surprised. I figured Kim and I would have different qualities since I live with a man and she works with them. But our lists are remarkably alike.” She shrugged, “Who would have known?”

  Claudia suppressed a smile. “And?”

  “Well, in addition to Kim's classics, I would add: lazy, slobs, insensitive, inconsiderate, self-centered babies, dense, smelly, gross, bullying, stubborn and brutish.” Karen added, “And I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't say that I often think, ‘asshole.’”

  Claudia laughed and saw Kimberlee fidget. “Yes?”

  “Um, uh. Me too. That and ‘jerks,’” Kimberlee confessed.

  Claudia reached out to pat her hand but withdrew it when she remembered how that upset the young woman. Has Kimberlee never been comforted by a woman? She wondered. Touch is the basis of feminine reassurance. Even though it irritates men, it usually helps women. She thought of Myra. How would it be to have no safe haven in your mother's arms?

  Once again, she felt pain and compassion for her granddaughter. Maybe that's why she acts as tough as steel. Then she remembered Myra near Kimberlee's age. If only Myra would have let me guide her through it. As a young man, the responsibility of fatherhood can be daunting. Stewart came back when he was ready. But too late for Myra.

  “This is a great beginning, ladies. Thank you,” Claudia said. Here we go, she thought, I hope this works. She prayed silently, Please let them see this ….

  “Now I have a question for you …” She waited until the golden brown and bright blue eyes were looking at her, and she watched their pupils closely. “All the things you have labeled men — things like stupid, insensitive, arrogant, smelly, and competitive—I have a question for you … As compared to what?”

  Kimberlee's pupils dilated suddenly. Yes! She ventured … “Women?”

  “Very good,” Claudia nodded. “As compared to women. They are not insensitive as compared to alligators, for example.”

  Both women smiled and nodded. Claudia was relieved. “Can you see that all the qualities you each listed are relative rather than absolute? Men are not absolutely insensitive, absolutely smelly or absolutely competitive, for example.”

  Kimberlee nodded, “They are only those qualities in comparison to something else. Not as a simple truth. Is that what you're saying?”

  Claudia kept an eye on Karen, whose eyes were narrowed in skepticism.

  “Yes, Kimberlee, that is what I am suggesting. Karen, can you see it?”

  Karen seemed hesitant. “Yeah, I can see that it's relative. But I'm not sure it's a comparison to women. I know women who are all those things, and worse. I think the standard is a good person. And shouldn't everyone be held up to that? I'm afraid you're suggesting we shouldn't expect excellence from people.”

  Claudia could barely contain her excitement. Thank you, Lord!

  “Wonderful, Karen. Thank you. Yes, we all know women who are insensitive, smelly, competitive — all the things on your list.” She paused for effect. “But we judge them as well, do we not? And what do we judge them against? A good person? Merely a good person?”

  “A perfect person!” Kimberlee blurted.

  Claudia smiled. “Yes, dear. A perfect person. You could say The Perfect Person.”

  She could see that Karen still was not with her. “Yes?” she prompted.

  “Okay, not only a good person,” Karen replied. “It's a perfect person. But what's wrong with that? We can't let people get away with being lazy slobs.”

  Claudia nodded her understanding and decided to change tactics. She remembered something she had learned from Burt, Always ask permission. She gently inquired, “You have a good argument, Karen. And, would you be willing to consider this from another point of view?”

  She waited while Karen thought. She watched Karen's body adjust as the teacher consciously caused herself to be more open. While she had witnessed Karen shifting before,
Claudia appreciated this strength in her student more than ever. She would never be able to get past the guards protecting her paradigm without Karen's consent.

  Finally, Karen replied, “Okay, Claudia. You've haven't failed me yet. What am I not seeing?”

  Claudia smiled at her student. “Beautiful. Being able to let go of a righteous position is a key to creating partnership.” She took a sip of tea while she allowed a moment for them to digest her point.

  “Anyone could make an argument for the appropriateness of holding ourselves and others to such a standard as the Perfect Person. It would appear to make all of us behave better. At another time we may have a chance to talk about what expectations actually do to our relationships. But, for the purposes of our work tonight, let us explore the impact of looking at men ‘as compared to the Perfect Person.’”

  Claudia took another sip. “First, let us agree on what the Perfect Person is. Would it be fair to say that the Perfect Person is the perfect amount of the perfect qualities at the perfect time?”

  Karen replied, “Sounds fair to me.” Kimberlee agreed with a nod.

  “And, in your experience,” Claudia continued, “is a man or a woman more likely to be the perfect amount of the perfect qualities at the perfect time?”

  Karen said grudgingly, “A woman, obviously, will be closer to perfect. But not always. There are a few great men.”

  Claudia noted the comment about men, but continued, watching them more closely. “Therefore, do you think — maybe — that our idea of perfection is based on what a woman could or should be?”

  “Is there something wrong with that?” Kimberlee asked with an edge.

  Claudia shook her head. Keep breathing, Missy. They don't know yet where their attitude comes from. Nor what it costs them.

  “No, there is nothing wrong with that. But it might presuppose that there is only one valid set of perceptions, only one valid set of motivations, and only one valid set of responses. Even only one valid set of strengths and abilities. The ones attributed to women.”