The Queen’s Code

by Alison A Armstrong

  She paused, gauging, and added. “It assumes that men are meant to be duplicates of women. In this way of thinking, there is no possibility that men are meant to have wholly unique capacities.”

  She waited while they mulled over that assertion. Claudia slowed her breathing, sipped her tea, and gave them time to see the limitations of their own beliefs. They have no idea that by not being able to see men's brilliance, they cannot truly appreciate their own.

  When she felt they had stewed long enough, she asked, “Can I show you the predictable outcome of comparing men to the Perfect Person, one based on an idealized human female?”

  They both nodded.

  Claudia began: “First, I propose that when you look at a man from comparing him to the female-based Perfect Person, that you cannot see a man.” She saw Karen perk up at these familiar words.

  “That what you see instead is a hairy woman.” She waited as Kimberlee laughed and nearly spit out her coffee.

  “One who is defective, ill-made or malfunctioning. In fact, it seems that what you have got is a dysfunctional woman. It appears that they know the right thing — as the Perfect Person would — but they are doing something else on purpose.”

  “Misbehaving!” Karen burst out.

  Claudia smiled. “Yes. They appear to be misbehaving. Can you see that Kimberlee?”

  Kimberlee nodded emphatically. “Absolutely. All the time. As if they're intentionally not doing what they should be. They're purposefully acting up.”

  Claudia nodded, “Very good.”

  She continued to watch them closely for the telltale dilation that indicates a surprise, attraction or a realization. “Let us see what happens next. Because a woman is never satisfied with merely observing behavior. She always needs an …?”

  Glancing quickly from one to the other, she caught the sudden widening of both women's pupils. Oh Lordy, we might make it after all …

  Karen was the first to exclaim: “Explanation!”

  She nodded encouragingly, thinking, This could be fun. “And, Karen, when Mike is ‘misbehaving,’ can you see what explanation you come up with?”

  Karen puzzled on that one. “Hmm. Well, it's usually that he doesn't love me enough. I think if he loved me more, he'd take out the trash when it's full instead of leaving it for me to do.”

  “Anything else?” Claudia prompted.

  Karen's forehead was knotted in concentration. “Or sometimes I think he loves me fine, but he doesn't respect me enough. That if he respected my time or my job or everything I do around the house, he'd be more helpful. He'd initiate instead of ignoring everything until I nag.”

  She groaned, “I'm tired of him saying ‘I forgot.’ I don't buy it. If he respected me, he'd make sure he remembered.”

  Very good, Claudia thought and kept leading them down the path. “When he fails to do what the Perfect Person would have done, is it always because he must not love you enough or not respect you enough to have done it?”

  Karen looked dissatisfied. “There's something else, but I can't think of the word. Give me a minute.”

  “Certainly.” She shifted slightly. “Kimberlee, at your office — when your boss does not do what the Perfect Person-Boss would do, how do you explain it?”

  Kimberlee responded immediately. “I can identify with part of what Karen said. Because of how well Raul pays me, I feel that my work is respected. But sometimes how he interacts with me makes me think he doesn't respect me as a person. That patronizing thing. Also, at the end of the month, when we're all working our tails off to get the policies through, he gets short tempered and drives me to exhaustion. That's when I think that he may respect me, but he doesn't care about me.”

  Karen perked up. “That's the word! When Mike is insensitive to my feelings or ignores me when I'm not feeling well, I think he doesn't care enough.”

  Claudia was pleased. “Good, ladies. Does that cover it? Do you explain the ‘misbehavior’ of the men in your lives with anything other than they do not love, respect or care enough about you to have done what the Perfect Person would have done?”

  She waited patiently while they thought about it.

  Kimberlee responded first. “For every situation I can think of, those are the three main words that come to mind. Often in combinations of two, or all three. At work it's all about caring and respecting. In romance, that's where ‘love’ gets added in. Most of the things that Mathew did, or didn't do, I explained to myself with he ‘didn't love, respect and care about me enough.’”

  Karen nodded her agreement. “Same as Kim, respect and caring are what I think of at work. A parent doesn't respect me, or a co-worker doesn't care about me. I even explain the children's conduct that way. Is there such a thing as a Perfect Person-Child?”

  Claudia held Karen's gaze. “What do you think?”

  Karen looked ashamed. “Oh, I wish it weren't true. But it is. I do expect them to be perfect, and when they aren't, I think they're misbehaving and I have an explanation for it.”

  Claudia looked at her watch. “Although you might be weary of this conversation — it can obviously be upsetting — there is more for you to see. And it is critical. Even though it's getting late, can we keep going?”

  Karen replied first. “Of course, Claudia. But could we have a ‘potty break’ as we call it amongst second-graders?”

  “An excellent suggestion,” Claudia agreed, observing that Kimberlee was deep in thought.

  KIMBERLEE went through the motions of using the restroom, but she couldn't stop thinking about what her grandmother had introduced to them. It was obvious now that every time she'd been hurt, disappointed, angered, offended or frustrated by a man's actions — or inaction — she'd concluded that he didn't love, care or respect her enough.

  An image of her father, whom she'd met only once at six years old, came to mind. She'd thought that he didn't love her enough and care about her enough to want to be part of her life. She had spent many childhood hours thinking, Why? What did I do wrong?

  This time she saw the cascade of explanations distinctly. I've always been sure it was me. That it had to be my fault he didn't come back. But — what if it wasn't?

  As soon as Claudia and Karen returned from the restroom, she asked, “Grandmother Claudia — I'm trying that name for a while as a transition — are we going to work on this some more? Like what happens right after we explain their behavior as not loving, respecting or caring enough?”

  She was rewarded with a rare grin and a twinkle from eyes whose color mirrored her own. “It seems you have already been thinking about that. Do you want to tell us something?” Claudia asked.

  Kimberlee nodded with excitement. “The explanations don't stop there! Next I've got to explain ‘Why’ they don't love, care or respect me enough.”

  Claudia smiled. “And what did you see?”

  “The explanation is almost always something that's wrong with me. If I was more of something — more assertive or beautiful or educated or demure — or less of something — less assertive or voluptuous or ambitious or successful — they would love, care and respect me enough to act like the Perfect Person.”

  Claudia nodded. “If the something that is wrong with you were not wrong with you, then they would be motivated to act perfectly. Yes?”

  Kimberlee agreed. Her grandmother had that twinkle in her eyes again.

  “What?”

  Claudia smiled at both of them. “Do you see it, Karen? Kimberlee brought us full circle.”

  Karen shook her head. “No. What do you mean?”

  Claudia said slowly, “Let me put it this way: How do you know what you are too much of and too little of? How do you know what to change about yourself that would have men love, care and respect you enough to act perfectly?”

  How do I know? Well … Kimberlee's hand shot up, “I know, I know!”

  Karen laughed. Kimberlee thought she must remind Claudia of a second-grader.

  “Yes, Kimberlee?” Claudia p
rompted. “How do you know?”

  She announced, “I know what's wrong with me — what I'm too much of and too little of — by comparing myself to the Perfect Person!”

  “Bravo!” Claudia exclaimed.

  Kimberlee sat back triumphantly. She watched Karen process what she'd said. After a moment, Karen ventured. “You two are saying that if we were more like the Perfect Person, then men would behave more like the Perfect Person?”

  Claudia searched Kimberlee's face. “Is that what you are saying, Kimberlee?”

  She must be missing something for her grandmother to be looking at her that way. It took a minute, but the last connection fell into place. Again, she thought, Ahhh.

  “No, Karen,” she began, glancing at Claudia, who nodded encouragingly, “we're saying that this is how women think it works. But we might be wrong.”

  Her grandmother reached over and squeezed Kimberlee's hand. It felt nice.

  KAREN was baffled and uncomfortable. “If that's not how it works, what's going on?”

  “Excellent question, Karen,” Claudia replied. “If men are not misbehaving because women are not perfect enough to deserve their love, care and respect — what is actually happening?”

  Karen felt sick to her stomach. How could something I knew to be true my entire life, not be? How could something that every woman knows to be true, not be?

  “Let me see if I've got this right; you're saying that the reason men misbehave is not because we're not perfect.”

  Claudia nodded her head, “Yes, a woman's perfection or imperfection is not the source of men's behavior.”

  Then she shook her head, “But I am saying much more than that. The notion that men are misbehaving in the first place comes from expecting them to act consistent with our concept of the Perfect Person. And that expectation is consistent with a particular paradigm. Ultimately, a paradigm that dooms us to failure with men and leaves women with a puny self-image.”

  While she wasn't sure what Claudia was referring to with “paradigm,” as a teacher, her students’ self-image and self-esteem were of paramount concern to her. “I don't get it. How can high expectations for men leave women with a puny self-image?”

  Claudia responded more sternly than Karen had ever experienced. “Karen, you are a bright person. You can keep arguing for the source of your misery and incompetency with men. Or you can think. If every time a man does not do what the Perfect Person would do, and it means there is something wrong with you, what happens to your self-esteem?”

  Karen was upset. Why can't I get this? But she knew herself better than that. Why don't I want to get this? She sat with that question until it came to her. Claudia waited patiently, as usual.

  “Claudia?” she asked, barely above a whisper.

  “Yes, dear one?”

  The elderly woman's gentleness helped, just as her sternness had. “If I stop expecting Mike to act like the Perfect Person — the perfect woman, okay — and I stop taking it personally when he doesn't, does that mean I have to give up having him help me around the house? Because I don't think I can do that. I'm already resentful and I dread the thought of adding a child to my workload.” She could feel herself pleading for a miracle.

  Claudia replied, her tone kind but firm, “Tell me: How is expecting him to act like the Perfect Person working out for you? Is it compelling him to act on your behalf? Does it inspire him to be your partner in every way he can?”

  Ugh. Karen was pierced through the heart. The entire mental construct of her relationship with Mike was disintegrating. It doesn't work, she thought. No matter that I think it should, it never works. But why not?

  “Claudia?”

  “Yes, Karen?”

  “You're right. It doesn't work at all, so I should stop defending it. But, how come I think it should work?”

  “Because it works with women,” Claudia said.

  “How so?” Kimberlee interjected. Karen had almost forgotten she was there.

  “Women are instinctively motivated by perfection, and the need to be perceived as perfect enough to be pleasing — and therefore, protected and provided for. But not too perfect so as to cause jealousy in other women. This is the source of our drive to improve ourselves, and our fear of standing out at the same time.”

  Karen nodded in understanding while noticing Kimberlee blanch. “Could you elaborate?” the younger woman asked.

  “Yes, women's unconscious behavior is driven by being ‘externally motivated.’ In other words: responding automatically to the needs and preferences expressed by others. Thus, women keep track of what others expect of them. And adapt without even thinking about it. We assume we adapt because we love them, or respect them, or care about them. But that is not necessarily the case; adapting can be purely instinctive.”

  She added, “Men are more ‘internally motivated.’ Even as children they are more likely to follow their own path. This is often perceived as ‘stubborn.’ You learned, Karen, that as men mature, they behave more and more in accord with their inner sense of self. Because we think men are a version of women, we assume they do not adapt because of a lack of feeling for us on their part. We are wrong.”

  Karen asked, “If men are ‘internally motivated,’ as you said, how does a woman compel him to act?”

  “Simple. By connecting with his inner world, with his inner sense of self.”

  “Is that what you meant last Saturday by the five special words?”

  Kimberlee asked. “The Hero Language, I think you called it? Those are the words that connect?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Can we learn them now?” she asked hopefully.

  Karen curbed her disappointment as Claudia shook her head. “Not quite, Kimberlee. We have another giant step to take before I can give you those words. I have to make sure you will not use them against men.”

  “What do you mean?” Karen asked.

  Claudia shook her head again. “Now is not the time to go into that. But it is the perfect time to give you your assignment for Saturday. Are you ready?”

  Karen moved to a fresh piece of paper. As she wrote down the assignment, she groaned inwardly.

  Homework:

  1. Notice when I think men are ‘misbehaving’ and examine what I'm expecting them to do and be.

  2. Observe how the idea that men are ‘misbehaving’ creates the compulsion to PUNISH them.

  3. Notice how I punish men (Mike, the boys and staff at school, men in general, men in my past).

  4. Observe other women punishing men: How do they do it?

  5. Notice the effect on men during and after the punishment.

  “A quick question, Claudia?”

  “Yes, Karen?”

  “Is there a particular way you want us to do this? You know I'm a compulsive note-taker and journal-writer. Do I put the homework in writing? Do you want to see it?”

  Claudia shook her head. “I will never ask for your assignments. I would never violate your privacy that way. And, how you do them is up to you. I trust you to do what serves you best. But beware — the Perfect Person is constantly judging you too. It will make you worry about doing everything correctly.”

  KIMBERLEE looked up as she finished writing the assignment. She was surprised to see Claudia watching her.

  “Yes? Is there something else?”

  Her grandmother replied. “When we came back from our little break, and you were excited about your realization, you said ‘The explanation is almost always something that's wrong with me!’ Do you remember?

  “Yes ….”

  “You said ‘almost always.’ I am curious: What are the exceptions?”

  “That's easy,” Kimberlee replied, speaking as if she were in a race. “When I've changed myself in every conceivable way, and they still don't love, care and respect me enough to act right, I conclude that they're the ones who have something wrong with them. For example, with Mathew. I did everything I could think of to be the perfect mate for him and he never c
ame around. I joke about not having the Princess Grace gene, and I'm afraid I don't. But mostly I blame it on his parents, a personality defect, or the downside of being a genius. For whatever reason, I usually blame our marriage failing on him.”

  “The ‘Princess Grace gene’?” Claudia questioned.

  “Oh, you know, Grace Kelly, the princess of Monaco. She inspired gifts and passion and commitment. Even from a prince. Myra jokes that neither one of us got the Princess Grace gene, even though you seem to have it.”

  Claudia was nodding sympathetically. It annoyed Kimberlee.

  “What? Why are you feeling sorry for me?” she demanded.

  Claudia shook her head. “No, Sweetheart. I do not feel sorry for you. I am sad for all women. There is no ‘Princess Grace gene.’ You were not born without what causes men to love you. And as far as blaming men when we have done everything and they still do not behave well — what you are talking about is ‘the last resort.’”

  “What do you mean?”

  The elderly woman sadly shrugged one shoulder. “When we have done everything we can and we still do not get what we need, the damage to our self-esteem can be unbearable. Concluding it is their fault entirely makes it a little bit easier to take.”

  Suddenly, Claudia looked drained, her eyes appearing distant. “I think this enough for now.” The women hugged, said their goodbyes, and went in separate directions. Kimberlee was thankful for her drive home; she had a lot to think about.

  BURT found Claudia on the couch with her eyes closed. He sat at the end and automatically began rubbing her small feet. After a moment, she opened her eyes and gave him a weary smile.

  “You look like you had a rough night.”

  Claudia nodded, “It was rough. And, it was wonderful. And dreadful. It was arm-wrestling with their hearts at stake. But they could not know that if I win, they win.”

  They sat quietly for a while as he kneaded the tension out of her calves.

  “Did you have any favorite parts?” he asked hopefully.