Cement Heart

by Beth Ehemann

  “Yes, we can.” She kissed me again, letting her hand wander over my pants. “Just this one night, remember? You said one song, but why can’t we expand it to one night?

  I caught her hand before she shoved it inside my boxers. “We can’t.” I gently lifted her off of me and stood up, rubbing my temples with my hands as I paced the kitchen, trying to figure out what to do.

  “What’s going on with you?” she snapped, glaring at me as she pulled her skirt down. “For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve fucked anything that walks, and now here I am, throwing myself at you, and you’re telling me no?”

  “I’m sorry. Listen,”—I started panicking again—“I don’t think we should be doing this right now. It’s not right.”

  “Why isn’t it right?”

  “Because of Mike—” I started to explain.

  “Oh, I’m so sick of you hiding behind Mike.” She marched over to me. “I think you aren’t attracted to me at all and you just use Mike as your fucking excuse to keep me at arm’s length.”

  I’d never heard anything so insane in my entire life.

  “What are you talking about? Not attracted to you?” I grabbed her hand and put it on my hard cock. “Does that feel like I’m not attracted to you?”

  “Big deal!” She yanked her hand back. “Guys get hard whenever the wind blows. Matthew gets little boners all the time. Don’t be so proud of yourself.” She sniffed and turned away from me.

  “Listen, Michelle…” I gently put my hand on her shoulder. “I just don’t want to take that step tonight, because once we do, that’s it. There’s no going back and pretending it didn’t happen.”

  She took another step away from me, out of my reach. “Get out,” she mumbled quietly.

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “What?”

  She spun to face me as tears poured down her cheeks. “You heard me. I said get out. Get the fuck out of my house.”

  “Okay, please calm down,” I begged. “You’ve had too much to drink and this night just went to shit really quickly. Can we just take a step back and breathe, please?”

  “You breathe. You take a fucking step back. In fact, take a lot of steps back—all the way out of my house, and forget you ever came here in the first place.”

  Arguing with her when she was drunk was just making things worse. The situation needed to be diffused, and the only way I could do that was to leave. I buttoned my pants and grabbed my jacket off of the kitchen chair, trying hard to ignore the sinking feeling that sat heavy in my stomach as I walked out of the kitchen. I couldn’t leave without trying to reason with her one more time. “Can we please just sit down, have some coffee, and talk about this?”

  She was standing by the island with her arms wrapped around herself, staring down at the ground.

  “Michelle?”

  Her head lifted toward me; her eyes were cold and distant. “Good-bye, Viper.”

  HOW ARE YOU? Is there anything I can do?

  I hit the send button on my phone and slammed it down on my kitchen counter, knowing damn well she wasn’t gonna respond. I’d sent the same fucking text every fucking day for the last thirteen days, and Michelle hadn’t responded once. Not once. She’d told me to leave the night of the wedding, and I really thought she just needed to cool off, but when I’d texted her the next morning… nothing. She’d always responded before. I’d been trying to block it out with hockey, throwing myself into my games, staying after practices for extra workouts at the gym. None of it worked. Every blond woman I saw on the street reminded me of her, and every little kid reminded me of Matthew. I felt like I spent every minute of every day wondering what the hell they were doing. She constantly found a way to creep into my brain, and once she did, she would camp out there for the rest of the day.

  I’d replayed that night in her kitchen over and over in my head, second guessing myself constantly. What would have happened if I hadn’t stopped her? If I’d just let her keep kissing me the way she’d been? If I’d let her hand scoot down into my boxers? When I’d lifted her dress and pulled her toward me, my finger ran along the lace edge of her panties, and it was so sweet, so delicate, just like she was, and honestly… it intimidated me.

  My phone beeped and my heart took off like a fucking rocket. I’d never grabbed it so fast in my whole life. It was a picture from Brody.

  B: Hey, Uncle V! Look who decided to join the world today! Grace Addison! She got here about 15 minutes ago.

  Under the picture was a selfie of him grinning from ear to ear as he held the tiniest baby I’d ever seen in my whole life. She was kinda red and had shiny eyes, but was still oddly adorable.

  Whoa! No shit! Is that hair reddish or is it the picture?

  B: Nope, she definitely has some red in her hair like Kacie. Assuming it doesn’t change, my mom might get her wish of a redheaded granddaughter after all.

  Congrats, brother. I’m happy for you. Give Kacie a kiss for me, and tell her I said good job.

  I was annoyed. Happy for Brody but annoyed with myself that I couldn’t even truly enjoy that moment with my friend because of the shitstorm I was feeling on the inside. How could one woman cause so many fucking emotions?

  I stood up and shook my head. I’d had enough. I was done—with women and with abstinence.

  I picked up my phone again, making an entirely different call before heading to my car.

  “Hey, come in. I don’t have a lot of time, but you sounded frantic.” Dr. Roberts gestured me into her office. I walked past her to the coffee table and slammed my kitchen drawer full of numbers down, startling her. “Um… okay. What’s that?”

  “Those are phone numbers,” I answered sharply with attitude as I stood between the couch and the coffee table with my hands on my hips.

  “Okay,” she said slowly as she walked over to her seat, still staring at the drawer. “And you brought them here because?”

  “I have no use for them anymore. Women are nothing but fucking trouble, and I’m done.” I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck with my hand. The tension in my shoulders was making everything else hurt too.

  She crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair as she pursed her lips. “Care to elaborate?”

  “Since college, I’ve thought I had women figured out. You smile at them, pay them a few compliments, and before you know it, they’re eating out of the palm of your hand. So why is it the first woman I actually want to listen to and spend time with has to be the most complicated woman on the planet?”

  “Michelle?”

  “Yes, Michelle,” I snapped.

  “What happened?”

  “She asked me to go with her to a wedding a couple weeks ago and I went. We had a great time.” I finally sat down as I let my thoughts drift for a second back to the way my arms had felt around her out on the dance floor. “A really great time. Anyway, she has too much to drink and throws herself at me. I do the right thing and stop it and somehow I’m the asshole. Now she won’t talk to me.”

  “Wow.” Dr. Roberts nodded slowly. “That’s a lot of stuff to happen in one night. Why did you turn her down?”

  “What?” I snapped, narrowing my eyes at her.

  “Why did you turn her down?”

  “No, no. I heard you, I just can’t believe those words came out of your mouth.” I stood up and paced the room, surprised that there wasn’t a worn spot from my usual route, week after week. “You are the one who told me I couldn’t have sex, remember?”

  “So you turned her down because I told you not to have sex?”

  “Well, no. Yes. I don’t know.” Frustration had consumed me, and I just wanted to be fixed. My head hurt. My chest hurt. My heart hurt. “I’m so damn confused. All I know is I had the most amazing night with her. I’d even started to think that maybe we could do this, that maybe we could find a way to make it work. And then, being in her house—Mike’s house—I panicked.”

  “Why did you panic?”

  “Because I still feel gui
lty.”

  “You have to move past that, Viper.” She sighed. “It’s already eating you alive, and it’s going to continue to get worse. What happened was an accident.”

  “I know, but—”

  “But what?” she interrupted.

  “But it should have been me!” I yelled in frustration as I sat back on the couch.

  “Okay, fine. It should have been you,” she agreed sarcastically. “Then what?”

  “Then what what?”

  “If it would have been you, what would life be like now?”

  Looking at her like she had two heads, I said slowly, “I don’t know. I would be dead.”

  “And?”

  “And… they would all still be here.”

  “Because…”

  “Because life goes on.”

  “Exactly!” she exclaimed, throwing her skinny, tan arms in the air. “Because life goes on. So you can’t keep worrying about what Mike might have thought or what might have happened if he were alive, because he’s not. Before you respond, let me ask you another question.” She held her hand up. “If you were dead, would you care what was happening down here on earth?”

  “Would I care? I don’t know—I’m dead.” I shrugged nonchalantly. “But there are several people I’d haunt the shit out of, and you’re making your way up that list very quickly.”

  “Get in line,” she joked, rolling her eyes. “I’m serious, though. If you were deeply, madly in love with someone and you passed, especially as young as you are now, would you want that person to stay single and cry over you every day for the rest of their life?”

  “Would that be so bad?” I answered playfully.

  “Come on, be serious.”

  I sighed. “No, of course not. I’d want them to be happy.”

  “Exactly.” She sat back and smiled. “Let me ask you one more thing…”

  This lady makes my brain hurt.

  “Do you think you make Michelle happy?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Don’t give me that bullshit, blow-off answer.” She glared at me and shook her head. “Think about it. Honestly, do you make her happy?”

  Leaning forward on the couch, I rested my elbows on my knees and let my head drop toward the floor as I thought back to the last couple of months with Michelle. “All I know is when I’m with her, we’re both happy, and when I’m not with her, I wish I were.”

  “Then why do you keep fighting this? Mike was your best friend in the whole world, right?”

  I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and nodded.

  “Did you ever think for maybe a second that it’s him up there pushing the two of you together?”

  “What?” My eyes flew to hers.

  “Maybe he wants the two of you together. He knows you; he knows your heart; he knows you would protect her and the kids fiercely and never hurt them. He doesn’t want to worry about some loser coming in and using Michelle for her money or the house or anything like that.”

  Her words bounced around in my head. While part of me thought they were an absolutely ridiculous stretch, the other part of me wanted to believe she knew exactly what she was talking about so I could somehow justify what I was doing as a favor to Mike.

  “Lawrence?” Dr. Roberts frowned as I stood up suddenly.

  “I gotta go.”

  She blinked quickly, pulling her brows down low. “What? Why?”

  “There’s just something I have to go do.”

  “Okay, when do you want to come back?” She followed me to the exit door.

  I sighed and turned back, shoving my hands into my pockets as I stared at the ground. “I don’t know that I am.”

  “Oh.” She sounded a little sad. “Okay. Well, I’m here if you ever change your mind.”

  “Got it.” I looked up at her. “Thanks, doc.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Thanks, you know, for everything,” I said as genuinely as I could. She pressed her lips together and nodded.

  I turned and reached for the doorknob when she called my name again. “Hey, Viper?”

  “Yeah?” I spun back to face her.

  “Don’t give up on this. Don’t give up on her. Any woman that can drive you this crazy obviously feels the same way about you. I know that without having ever met her.” Her eyes begged me not to throw it all away. “She might have closed the door a little, but she certainly didn’t lock it. Maybe she’s standing just on the other side, waiting for you to knock.”

  I stared straight at Dr. Roberts and arched an eyebrow at her. “Well, hopefully she’s not too close to it cause I’m about to bust through that motherfucker like the Kool-Aid man.”

  A grin broke out across her face as she scrunched up her nose. “That’s my boy. One more thing…” She giggled and nodded her head back toward the coffee table. “You want your drawer back?”

  “MOMMA. MOMMA!”

  I cracked one eye open just enough to see Matthew’s smiling face lying on the pillow next to me.

  “Good morning, baby.” I rubbed his cheek with my thumb and closed my eyes again.

  “Momma! The sun is awake. Time to get up.”

  Groaning, I rolled over and grabbed my phone to check the time. “Sweetheart, it’s not even seven yet. The sun gets up earlier than people. Can’t we sleep for a little bit longer?”

  “Okay.” He sighed and squeezed his little eyes tight, nuzzling in close to me.

  I wrapped my arms around him just as I heard a loud growl. My eyes snapped open. “Was that your stomach?”

  With his eyes still pinched together, he nodded.

  Wow, there goes your bid for mother of the year.

  “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t know you were so hungry. Let’s go have some breakfast together while we wait for Maura to wake up.”

  He didn’t need me to say it a second time, springing from the bed in his little Ninja Turtle teddy bear suit. How could kids wake up and hit the ground running like that? I practically needed two cups of coffee just to get my eyes open and then I still needed a nap by lunchtime.

  This adult stuff sucks. I want to be four again.

  I tiptoed past Maura’s bedroom door and down the stairs, hoping to steal some valuable alone time with Matthew before Princess Bossy Pants woke up.

  “What do you want for breakfast?” I yawned.

  “Um…”

  I looked over and Matthew was sitting at the coffee table in the living room, already engrossed in his latest Lego collection.

  “Matthew!” I laughed as his head snapped toward me. “Stay with me, buddy. What do you want to eat?”

  “Um… scrambled eggs and jelly toast.” He turned back to his Legos.

  I stood there with my arms crossed and cleared my throat dramatically so that he’d look over at me again. My eyebrows raised but I didn’t say anything.

  “Please,” he added with a grin.

  “Thank you.” I returned his smile before heading to the fridge and filling my arms with eggs, milk, and cheese. I carried it all over, dropping it carefully onto the island.

  “Momma.” Matthew climbed up onto the stool, resting his chin on his hands. I loved when he sat like that. It made his cheeks squish out like they had when he was a baby. “Can Viper give me cooking lessons too so I can cook breakfast for you next time?”

  His innocent question was like a shot to the gut.

  “Well…” I sighed, not sure how to answer him. “I’m not sure about that, sweetie. Viper’s really busy with hockey right now so he can’t come over.”

  “What about when he’s done? He makes good food.”

  “He does make good food.” I nodded as I reached up into the cabinet to grab a mixing bowl, desperately praying he’d get bored with my answers and return to his Legos, or at least pick a different topic.

  Viper and I hadn’t talked in two weeks, and honestly, I wasn’t sure we ever would again. I was so embarrassed about the way I threw myself at him after the wedding that the
thought of facing him again made me cringe. And… he’d made his choice. If he’d wanted me even a little bit, he had clear access that night, but he chose not to. It was probably for the best anyway. Nothing good could have come from us having sex.

  Stop lying to yourself.

  The truth was, I was devastated. Embarrassed. Kissing him had felt amazing. It had felt like the biggest release after months of arms brushing together and little glances that left us both blushing. The electricity between us was so strong there were times I was surprised I couldn’t actually hear it popping in the air. Somehow, the man I used to tolerate for my husband had become someone I couldn’t go five minutes without thinking about. But he didn’t want me. To him, I was nothing but an obligation.

  “Momma!”

  Matthew calling my name pulled me back from wherever I had been. “Yes, baby?”

  “Your phone.” His little arm was extended, his finger pointing toward my phone on the corner of the island.

  “Thanks.” I smiled as big as I could, even though I was dreading deleting that text, just as I’d been doing every morning for the past two weeks. It was almost easier to assume he’d stopped thinking about me, but his morning texts were proof that wasn’t true.

  I grabbed my phone and was both happy and sad when I saw the text was from Taylor, not Viper.

  T: Yo! It’s gonna be above freezing today and I was thinking of going to Mike’s grave to clear the snow and ice off. Wanna go with me?

  I answered as fast as my fingers would type.

  Yes! Maura is fighting a cold, so I’m gonna text the sitter and see if she can stay here while we go. What time were you thinking?

  T: Pick you up at noon?

  Perfect! If you don’t hear back from me, all is good. See you then.

  I sent a quick text to Desi and within seconds my phone beeped again. Hopefully she didn’t have plans and wouldn’t mind sitting here for a couple hours. I looked at the screen and took a sharp breath.