Cement Heart

by Beth Ehemann

  V: How are you? Is there anything I can do?

  I’d known that text would be coming eventually, but I was still caught off guard. Every day when he’d texted, I had deleted it immediately so that I wouldn’t be tempted to answer. My phone beeped again.

  D: No problem. I’ll be there at 11:45.

  I worked my butt off all morning to get the kids dressed for Desi, have lunch ready to go, and pick up the downstairs. Before I knew it, Taylor was at the front door. Of course Matthew and Maura were hanging all over their auntie, begging her to come play with them.

  “Mommy and I are going to run some errands, but how about after I drop her off, I come in and hang out for a bit?”

  Matthew agreed and reluctantly let her go, and we were off.

  The cemetery where Mike was buried was only about ten minutes from the house. Taylor and I had gone often last summer to plant flowers and keep his gravesite as clean as possible. It was our thing to do together. We both agreed it made us feel good to still have something we felt like Mike needed us for.

  “So… I’ve been meaning to talk to you,” Taylor said seriously as soon as we pulled out of the driveway.

  I turned to her, frowning slightly. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,”—she shook her head—“but I feel terrible and I owe you an apology.”

  “An apology? For what?”

  “For being the worst sister-in-law in the world.” Her voice cracked.

  I tilted my head to the side and pursed my lips. “No you’re not. What are you talking about?”

  “The whole reason I moved here in the first place was to help you with the kids and be around more, and then I met Isaac…” She chewed on the corner of her lip to try and keep from smiling, but when Taylor talked about her new boyfriend, it was impossible for her not to.

  “Taylor, I get it. You don’t have to apologize,” I assured her. “You’re young and gorgeous. I figured it wasn’t gonna take long for some man to scoop you up.”

  “We’re moving in together,” she said hesitantly, grinning at me.

  My mouth fell open. “You are?”

  She nodded as we turned into the cemetery parking lot. “His lease is up next month, and since we spend all our time together anyway, we figured why pay two rents.”

  “Well.” I giggled. “At least he doesn’t have far to move.”

  She put her truck in park and we grabbed two shovels out of the bed, linking arms as we made our way to Mike’s plot. Thankfully, there wasn’t too much snow on the ground yet, which meant the cleanup wouldn’t be too difficult.

  I was staring at the ground, concentrating on not slipping on random pieces of ice, when Taylor stopped suddenly, almost knocking me to the ground in the process.

  “What are you doing?” I looked up at her.

  Her head was tilted to the side and she was staring straight ahead. “Look.” She pointed. I turned my head, following her finger toward Mike’s grave.

  My head jerked back a little. “Whoa.”

  Mike’s entire area had been shoveled clean already.

  “Looks like someone beat us to it. A fan maybe?” she asked as we finished walking the rest of the way there.

  As soon as we got close enough, we could see that not only had someone cleaned the snow off his plot, but the ice and snow had also been removed from his headstone, and sitting on top of it, right in the center… Lemonheads.

  Taylor picked them up and frowned at me. “Who would’ve left these here? That’s weird.”

  My eyes stung and I pinched my top lip in between my teeth, trying my hardest not to lose it right there.

  “Don’t you think this is strange?” Her eyes swept up from the box to mine and then bulged. “Michelle, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” I sniffed and shook my head.

  “What’s going on? What’s wrong?” Taylor’s eyes darted around the cemetery like she was missing something.

  “Nothing. I’m good.” I cleared my throat, looking down at the box of candy. “Those are from Viper. That was their thing.”

  She looked down at the Lemonheads and back up to me. “Wait, are you crying because of these? Because of him?”

  “No, I’m not.” My chin quivered. “Can we just not talk about this right now, please?”

  Her eyes softened and she took a step toward me, placing her hand on my arm. “Are you in love with him?”

  “I can’t do this. Not here!” I swallowed a sob as I walked over and bent down, placing my lips on the cold granite of Mike’s headstone. “I love you,” I whispered before I stood up and hurried back to Taylor’s truck.

  Taylor followed several steps behind me, not saying a word as she unlocked the truck and we both hopped in.

  The drive home was horrible and awkward, and I just wanted to be out of the car. Panic flared up in my belly when instead of turning left into my subdivision, she turned right, headed toward the Starbucks.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, looking out my window to avoid her eyes.

  I felt her hand on top of mine and turned my head toward her. “This is long overdue,” she said with a tight smile.

  We ordered our drinks—black tea lemonade for me and a chai tea latte for her—and found a small table in the back corner.

  Neither of us wanted to start the conversation. That was obvious by the way we both stared out the window not speaking, but I also needed to get home eventually.

  “Listen, I’m all for hanging out with you anytime, but this isn’t necessary right now. It’s really nothing, I swear.” I tried to smile convincingly as I shrugged.

  “Michelle,”—she cocked her head to the side—“I’m not an idiot. Lemonheads don’t make most people cry for no reason.”

  Just the mention of the candy made my face pinch together as I looked down at the table and tried to hood my eyes with my hand.

  “Honey, what’s going on?” she said in a soft tone as she reached across the table and rubbed my forearm gently. “Are you in love with Viper?”

  I couldn’t lift my head to look her in the eye, and if I opened my mouth to respond, I was going to sob, so I just nodded.

  She got off of her chair and moved it around to my side of the table, where she sat back down and put her arm around my shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Before I could say anything, she lifted her hand and slammed it back down onto the table. “Because you haven’t been around in months, Taylor, you idiot,” she said to herself.

  “You’re not an idiot.” I took a shaky breath as I wiped my eyes on a crumpled-up Starbucks napkin.

  “How long has this been going on?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t even know. One day he was just… Viper. Then eventually, the more we hung out and I saw him interact with Matthew, I don’t know, suddenly it was just different. I didn’t tell you because I’m ashamed. I don’t want you to hate me.”

  “Why do you think I would hate you?”

  I dropped my hands to the table. “Why wouldn’t you hate me? I was married to your brother.”

  “Right, and you were an amazing wife to him for many years, Michelle. It’s not like you cheated on him and broke his heart. Then I would probably hate you, but this is different. So different.”

  “I know, but Mike hasn’t even been gone a full year yet.” I stared down at the table, embarrassed at the words coming out of my mouth.

  “Oh.” She nodded. “I didn’t know that was the magic number.”

  My head lifted. “Huh?”

  “One year. Three hundred sixty-five days. I didn’t know that was the official ‘you can’t fall in love with anyone else’ waiting period after your spouse dies,” she said sarcastically, making air quotes with her fingers. “Give me a break. There is no time frame. There are no rules. And people who tell you otherwise can go fuck themselves. You’ve known Viper for years. Had you met some random dude in a bar the week after the funeral, I might have thought you were a little nutty, but th
at’s not what this is at all.”

  Taylor’s words made me want to break down all over again. Knowing that she didn’t judge me or think less of me meant more to me than anything else.

  “I love your brother.” I sniffled and corrected myself. “I loved your brother.”

  “I know you do. I know you did.” Her eyebrows lifted as she smiled and nodded. She laid her head on my shoulder. “And he loved you.”

  “None of this matters anyway.” I threw my napkin down on the table and sighed. “Nothing is going to happen with me and Viper anyway. This whole conversation is pointless.”

  “Wait,”—she straightened up and looked at me—“why isn’t it gonna happen?”

  “We got into a fight a couple weeks ago and I told him to leave.”

  “Awww.” She stuck out her bottom lip. “And he hasn’t called since?”

  “Called? No. But he’s never called. That wasn’t our thing. He texts me every morning to see how I am and if I need anything. He’s been doing that for months and months now.”

  “And he’s still done this since your fight?” Her voice raised in surprise.

  I nodded.

  “Can I ask what you fought about?”

  I felt the back of my neck tingle as my face grew hot. “My neighbor got married and he went with me to the wedding. I stayed out late with a couple girlfriends I hadn’t seen in years while he went home to relieve the sitter. Anyway, I had a couple drinks with the girls, just enough for a little liquid courage. I went home and made a move, the move I knew he was too scared to make and would never have made on his own. He thought I was drunk and turned me down.”

  “But you weren’t drunk?” she asked.

  “Nope.” I shook my head. “I remember every horrible second of that fight.”

  “Why did he turn you down, though? What was his reasoning?”

  “Mike. He felt like we were betraying him.”

  “You’re right. I’m not the idiot, you are.” She shook her head. “I’ve known Viper for years too, and he doesn’t see the same girl twice in a lifetime, let alone hang out with one night after night after night with no sex. He’s clearly crazy about you, and you are obviously just as crazy about him, but you two won’t be together because you’re both scared of the exact same thing—that my brother, who has passed, would be mad at you? Am I getting all that right?”

  My eyes darted around the coffee shop. Coming out of Taylor’s mouth, it did sound silly. “Pretty much.”

  “You’re both morons,” she said sternly. “You guys have to get over this guilt thing that’s standing between you. Life is short, Michelle. You more than anyone should know that at this point. Don’t let any more time slip away. He’s a little wild, but from what Mike’s said, he’s a good man. You and the kids deserve a good man.”

  My heart soared at her words.

  “Plus, he’s willing to put up with your shitty cooking, and any man that would do that gets the seal of approval in my book.” She winked at me.

  MY HANDS DIDN’T shake.

  My heart didn’t race.

  I pushed that doorbell with all the confidence in the world.

  Within seconds, Michelle walked around the corner from the kitchen, freezing in her tracks when she saw me looking through the glass. She stood and stared for just a second before she pinched her lips together and came to the door.

  “Hi!” I grinned as she opened it, walking right past her and into the kitchen.

  I heard the door close, and she didn’t start yelling at me right away.

  Already a good sign.

  “How are you?” I asked nonchalantly as I started taking groceries out of the brown paper bag I’d brought and setting them on the island.

  “Viper,” she sighed. “What is all this? What are you doing?”

  “You haven’t had a cooking lesson in almost a month. I’m sure the kids are sick of pizza by now, so it’s time.” I glanced into the living room and down the hall toward Matthew’s playroom, frowning when I didn’t see anyone. “Speaking of the kids, where are they?”

  “Matthew finagled Taylor into letting him sleep at her house tonight, and she thought she’d give me a break and take Maura too.”

  “Even better.” I grinned at her, wiggling my eyebrows up and down.

  “I’m so confused,” she mumbled, closing her eyes and rubbing her temples with her fingers.

  While her eyes were shut, I stole a quick peek over at her. Her hair was damp from a recent shower, and she had on Wild sweatpants and a baggy T-shirt with no makeup. Frankly, she was one shopping cart full of crap away from passing for a homeless person, but I could not have found her more attractive than I did at that moment. It wasn’t about looks with her; it never had been. It was her heart I was in love with.

  “What’s there to be confused about? We’re making chicken marsala.”

  Her hands dropped to her sides in frustration. “You. Me. Us. This. I told you to leave and I meant it.”

  “I did leave.” I shrugged. “And now I’m back.”

  “Why?”

  “Because.”

  “Because why?” Her voice cracked, and that was all I needed to hear.

  In one swift motion, I slid to my left and locked my hands on the counter on either side of her hips, closing her in with my arms. My face was inches from hers, our noses practically touching.

  I stared her right in the eyes. I didn’t want her to just hear what I was about to say, I wanted her to see it too. To fucking feel it.

  “Because I belong here. Because I belong with you. Because as much as you try to fight it, you know you belong with me too. Because somewhere in between hearing you sing to Maura, teaching you to make scrambled eggs, and dancing with you at that wedding, I fell in love with you.”

  She took a shaky breath as a tear slowly rolled down her cheek.

  I gently wiped it with my finger, holding it up in the air. “Because I want to make sure you never cry again.”

  “But that night, after the wedding… you didn’t want me.” She swallowed and looked down at the ground.

  “That’s not true. It’s not that I didn’t want you. Jesus, Michelle, all I’ve wanted for months is you. I didn’t want the guilt that came along with you, but fuck it. I’m ready. I’ll deal with the guilt every day for the rest of my life if it means I get to wake up and you’re still mine.”

  “Really?” Her voice cracked again as tears flooded her eyes. Tears of guilt. Tears of relief. Tears of hope.

  “Yes. Really. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my whole life.” I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her so tight against me I could feel her heart beating on my chest. “I have no idea what the future holds. But I do know that I’ve never wanted to try with another person before. Just try. Put all the other bullshit to the side and really, really try.”

  She was quiet for a minute, and I started to worry that maybe I’d misread her tears.

  “I wasn’t drunk,” she finally mumbled into my shoulder.

  “Huh?”

  “The night of the wedding, I wasn’t drunk.” She pulled back and stared up at me. “I had two drinks, but by the time I got home, I was barely even buzzed anymore.”

  “So you kissed me because—”

  “Because I wanted to finish what I’d started. I still do.” She raised up on her tippy toes and ran her nose along my jawline. “I’ll deal with the guilt too. I’m sure it’ll be hard, but nowhere near as hard as trying to convince myself that I don’t love you too.”

  Something in me broke, and I just didn’t care anymore. I couldn’t fight the urge to kiss her one more fucking second.

  I cupped her cheek in my hand and angled it up toward me, pressing my lips hard against hers. She sighed and leaned into me. We didn’t move our lips. We didn’t move our tongues. We didn’t move at all. We just stood there, connected… finally.

  That didn’t last too long. Not only had neither of us had sex in a very long time, but the buildup b
etween the two of us was at a complete boiling point. The minute she shoved her hands up the back of my T-shirt and I felt her nails on my back, every nerve in my body sprang to life. I’d seen scenes in movies where a couple kisses for the first time and they show a series of shorts clips—fireworks going off, a band marching, a tea kettle whistling—I was all of those things combined, and multiplied by a thousand.

  For the first time in my life I had no clue what to do with my hands. I didn’t want to just fuck Michelle; I wanted to show her how much I loved her. I wanted to touch her everywhere, all at the same time.

  We moved slow, our lips flowing in sync like we’d been kissing each other our whole lives. With my one hand still on the side of her face, I moved the other one to her hip, gripping it softly. She sucked on my bottom lip, pulling it in and gently pinching it between her teeth.

  “If you don’t touch me soon, I’m gonna explode,” she said with my lip still between her teeth.

  I tugged my lip back and grinned at her. “I’m gonna do more than touch you, but you’re right—you are gonna explode.”

  I dropped to my knees and quickly pulled her sweats down to the floor. She stepped out of them and flung them off to the side. I started kissing the top of her feet, slowly making my way up her lower legs to her inner thighs. Even from my knees, I could hear her breathing hard. I grabbed the edges of her panties and pulled them down. Light pink and lacy as hell. I expected nothing less from her.

  She stepped out of those too and moved them off to the side with her sweats, but before she could put her second leg back down on the floor, I decided to throw rule number two out the window. I lifted her leg, hooked it over my shoulder, and sank my tongue right into her. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her hands as they gripped the edge of the counter. Her head fell back and she moaned out loud. Really, really loud. The leg that was still on the ground started to shake, and I knew she was right there, but I was nowhere near done with her. My tongue licked and rubbed against her clit until she shoved her hands into my hair and started to convulse, calling out my name over and over.

  Once her leg stopped quivering, I pulled back and stood up, softly setting her other leg on the ground.