Suddenly, Hannah had a moment of clarity. What if Noah actually was with another girl? It would be none of Hannah's business. They were not engaged to be married; they were not even dating. Noah was perfectly well within his rights to date another girl. Tears pricked at Hannah's eyes. Why did she care so much?
Luke 6:27-28.
27 “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.
Chapter 12 .
At the end of the school day, Hannah discovered that Mrs. Yoder assumed that she was, in fact, accompanying her home for dinner, and that Hannah's mudder was aware of the fact. Hannah groaned inwardly.
Mrs. Yoder expected Hannah to walk with her to her haus, which was not far away for someone who was able-bodied, but Hannah found it strenuous on her crutches. The snow and sleet had stopped, which made the journey easier than it otherwise might have been, but Mrs. Yoder waited impatiently for Hannah every few yards.
Once inside the house, Hannah made to help Mrs. Yoder in the kitchen, but she shooed her away. "Go sit on the porch, Hannah; David will be here soon. You two young folks can talk. I'll bring you a hot tea to warm you up."
Could she be any more obvious? Hannah thought.
Hannah sat alone on the porch, shivering in the late winter air, until Mrs. Yoder returned with a steaming mug of hot tea.
"Denki, Mrs. Yoder." Hannah wrapped her cold hands around the mug.
"I hope one day you will call me Mamm." Mrs. Yoder winked at Hannah and then left.
Hannah sat with her mouth open. Well, I should be grateful that Mrs. Yoder is so surprisingly frank; at least there's no undercurrents of deception, she thought. She has me up and married to David already. Hannah gave an involuntary shudder at the thought. I’d rather be an old maid than married to David.
"Cold?"
Hannah looked up to see David standing in front her. She had been too lost in thought to notice his approach. David's younger schweschder, Jessie, hurried past him into the house. Clearly Jessie had been dispatched by Mrs. Yoder to fetch David in from work on the farm.
"Hullo, David. Jah, I'm a little cold. Can we go back inside the haus?"
A momentary look of annoyance flashed across David's face. Hannah figured that he'd recognized her attempt to avoid being alone with him.
"Nee, you will soon warm up with the hot tea - and the gut company," he added with what he no doubt thought was a charming smile.
Hannah replied by way of a stiff smile. She didn't wish to be rude or unpleasant to the Yoders, but they were not making it easy. It should be plain to them that she had no interest in David, but neither David nor his mudder, Beth Yoder, seemed to be taking the hint. How could she hold David at arms' length and remain polite? The only solution she could see was to be dating another mann, but the only mann she had feelings for was Noah. And Hannah was a very long way from sorting out those feelings.
After an awkward time of stilted conversation, Jessie came to fetch Hannah and David inside for dinner. David put his hand around Hannah's arm to help her to her feet, and it was all she could do not to pull away.
Mr. Yoder arrived moments later. He nodded to Hannah. Hannah knew him as a quiet mann who never had much to say, but he seemed kindly enough. Hannah had been to the Yoders many times before, when it was their turn to have church in their haus, but never had she been to their haus by herself. She felt most uncomfortable.
"Let us pray."
Hannah glanced up at Mr. Yoder and then bowed her head for the silent prayer before dinner. She did her best not to squirm in her chair, which was the hardest chair she had ever encountered, and her hip was aching from having had to walk so far. Even the normally pleasant aroma of chicken pot pie did not help; it merely served to make her feel slightly nauseous.
There was at first no talk during the meal, and Hannah was in two minds about how she felt about that. On the one hand, she was grateful not to have to make conversation, but the other hand, it was so quiet that one could hear a pin drop, and Hannah felt as if everyone could hear her chewing loudly. Her nerves were on edge. The clock chimed again, as it did very quarter hour, and Hannah jumped.
Hannah was the last to finish her food and felt all eyes on her. She hurried to eat the last of the mashed potatoes covered with beef gravy on her plate. When Mrs. Yoder and Jessie stood up to clear away the plates, Hannah struggled to her feet to help.
"Nee, Hannah, you stay here at the table. Denki for offering, though; you will make someone a gut wife." To Hannah's horror, Mrs. Yoder winked at David when she said that.
They think it’s a done deal, Hannah thought with considerable dismay. What am I going to do? Hannah figured that the one small relief was that the lights in the room were dim so no one could see her horrified expression too well. Hannah's family had propane powered lights whereas the Yoders had kerosene lights, which gave off far less light.
Mrs. Yoder and Jessie soon returned to the table and deposited plates with heaped servings of Cinnamon Chip Bread Pudding. "This is David's favorite," Mrs. Yoder said pointedly, looking at Hannah. "He especially likes the warm vanilla milk topping. One day I will show you how to make it just how David likes it."
Hannah fought the sudden urge to run out the door. She felt an anxiety attack coming on, although those had only previously threatened when she was faced with a buggy or going to the hospital.
To Hannah's surprise, the usually sullen Jessie spoke up. "Mamm, Hannah might not want to marry David. People should marry whoever they like, even if their parents don’t approve."
Mrs. Yoder gasped aloud at her dochder's rudeness, and Mr. Yoder snapped a sharp, "Jessie, apologize!"
"Sorry, Mamm, Datt." Her voice was meek but not believably so.
Hannah shot Jessie a quick smile, but Jessie merely glowered at her from under her eyelashes.
What was that about? Hannah wondered. I thought she was trying to help me, but she must have her own agenda.
At least Jessie's outburst seemed to have set everyone to talking.
"How is your leg now, Hannah?" David asked. "Will you be off crutches soon?"
"Jah, denki," Hannah said, avoiding looking directly at David. "The doktor said it's not healing as fast as he'd like, but even so, he said I won't need crutches much longer."
"That Noah Hostetler should be ashamed," Mrs. Yoder spat, but was brought up short by her husband.
"Ach! There'll be no such talk here. We must all forgive one another as Christ forgave us." Mr. Yoder's voice was calm but authoritative.
Mrs. Yoder looked as if she were about to say something further, but Jessie butted in first. "It’s not Jacob's fault that Noah caused the accident. You can't help who your bruder is - oh, no offense, David."
David merely chuckled, but a nasty, red flush traveled up Mrs. Yoder's face.
"There will be no more talk of Jacob Hostetler," she said, glancing sideways at her husband. "And I will speak to you later, dochder."
Jessie's face grew even more sullen and she narrowed her eyes.
Hannah watched the exchange with interest. So that’s what it’s all about, she thought. Jessie's sweet on Jacob Hostetler. I wonder if Esther knows? I've thought for a while that Esther feels the same way about Jacob. I hope that Jessie doesn't prove to be a rival for Jacob's affections.
Hannah wondered how early she could leave the Yoders' haus and remain within the bounds of good manners. After the table was cleared, Hannah cleared her throat. "Denki so much for having me, Mr. and Mrs. Yoder, but I must be getting home. Mamm needs my help with Esther and Martha."
Mrs. Yoder looked most affronted. "Nonsense, child, your mudder told me she can manage with your schweschders tonight. She said you needed a well earned rest."
Hannah felt panic-stricken at thought of having to spend any longer in the uncomfortable presence of the Yoders. She suspected that Mrs. Yoder would soon maneuver her into being alone with David again. "Nee, denki, but I must go."
A calculating look passed across Mrs. Yoder's face. "Okay then. David, go with Hannah to the barn so she can call for a taxi."
Hannah thought for a moment. She could hardly refuse to go with David to the barn. She considered asking if David could go by himself, but clearly, Mrs. Yoder's patience had already worn thin. She simply said, "Denki, Mrs. Yoder."
David opened the door for Hannah, but she pulled up short when a blast of cold air hit her in the face. "My, it’s cold for this time of year; you would think it was the middle of winter rather the end of winter."
David simply smiled at her and tried to take her arm again.
Hannah sidestepped to avoid him. "Nee, David, denki - I can manage."
Hannah hobbled out to the barn after David, hoping that the taxi would come quickly. Once inside the relative warmth of the barn, David showed her where the phone was, and held up the lamp for her. Hannah made the call and then turned to David. "Let’s get back to the haus where it’s warm." She rubbed her hands together to emphasize that she was cold.
David put the lamp on the ground and stood in front of her. "Why the hurry?" The lamplight flickered across the angles of his face making him appear menacing.
A chill ran up Hannah's spine. "I want to go to the haus, David, now," she said, in the firmest tone she could muster. She hoped her voice wasn't shaking as much as she was on the inside.
David took a step closer to her. "How about a little kiss before you go?"
Hannah caught her breath. "Nee, David!"
David moved so close there was barely anything between them. "Oh come on, schatzi, you know you want to kiss me."
"I am not your sweetheart and I do not want to kiss you. Now let me pass or I will call for your mudder!"
Hannah's threat seemed to have no effect on David, as he took Hannah by the shoulders and pulled her to him, his lips reaching for hers.
Hannah told hold of both of her crutches, and as fast as she could, jabbed them down hard on the top of his foot. David released her with a yelp of pain, and she hobbled off to the haus as fast as she could. In fact, she reached the haus before David did.
Mrs. Yoder met her at the door. "Where's David?"
"He's right behind me." Hannah pushed past Mrs. Yoder and hurried into the haus before Mrs. Yoder could tell her to wait with David on the porch for the taxi. As far as Hannah was concerned, that had been the last alone time she was ever going to spend with David Yoder.
Ephesians 4:26-27.
26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil.
Chapter 13 .
Hannah had trouble getting to sleep that night. When she arrived home, her mudder questioned her about the night, but she had told her firmly yet politely that she was not interested in David Yoder and never would be, even if he were the last man on earth. Her mudder had looked surprised, whether at Hannah's vehement tone or her actual words, Hannah did not know, but she was grateful that her mudder had not said much at all.
Hannah made sure that Esther and Martha were settled, and refilled their hot water bottles which had gone cold. She snuggled under her blankets, but sleep eluded her. Her whole day had been unpleasant, but the incident with David had upset her. If only she was betrothed to another mann, and then David would leave her alone. Noah would make sure that David didn't bother me, she thought, and then she at once reprimanded herself for thinking such a thing. Besides, Mrs. Yoder had said that Noah had been seen with Englisch girls. While Mrs. Yoder clearly wanted to turn Hannah away from Noah, that didn’t mean that she was not correct.
When the sun forced its way through the dark clouds at dawn, Hannah was still awake. She wasn't sure whether she had slept from time to time in short spurts, but it seemed to her that she'd been awake all night; her leg ached and her back hurt, and she felt as if she were coming down with a cold. The long sleepless night of soul searching and prayer had however forced a decision; she would speak to the bishop.
* * *
Bishop William Graber ushered Hannah inside and indicated that she should sit down.
Hannah had always known him to be a kindly man, as well as wise. Hannah bit back a smile, knowing that some of the youth said that the Englischers would mistake the bishop for their Santa Claus, given his twinkling, blue eyes, round face, and gray beard.
Mrs. Graber scurried into the room and deposited mugs of hot meadow tea next to her husband and Hannah. "Hullo, Hannah. You're looking pale, dear. Now don’t mind me, I'm off to finish the wash, now that the day is warming up somewhat."
After a moment of prayer, the bishop spoke. "How is your leg doing, Hannah?"
"It's getting better, denki."
"And your schweschders? How are they doing?"
"Much better, denki."
Hannah twisted the mug of meadow tea round in her hands nervously. She didn’t know how to broach the subject with the bishop.
"Now, Hannah, tell me why you have come to see me today. Take your time," he added kindly.
Hannah shifted in her seat. "I have the sin of unforgiveness in my heart," she blurted. Hannah looked at the bishop, expecting him to look shocked or at least surprised, but the expression on his face did not change. It suddenly dawned on her that the bishop would hear all sorts of sins and problems.
The bishop leaned forward. "Tell me all about it, Hannah." His tone was encouraging and warm. "We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of Gott. We must strive not to sin on a daily basis," he added.
Hannah nodded. "I have unforgiveness in my heart for Noah Hostetler for causing the accident that injured not only me, but my three sisters as well. I've tried to forgive him but I feel resentment toward him too."
The bishop nodded. "You know, of course, that it was an accident. He hadn’t been speeding; he lost control of the car in heavy mist and on an icy road. He was on rumspringa, too."
Hannah sighed. "Jah, I know all that. I know he didn’t run into our buggy deliberately. It’s just that he was the cause of so much hardship for me and my familye."
The bishop nodded again. "Have you asked Gott to help you forgive him?"
Hannah nodded. "Jah." She looked down, shamefaced.
"Did you know that the middle letter of the Englisch word pride is I?"
Hannah looked at the bishop in surprise. She had no idea what he meant.
"You know what Gelassenheit means, Hannah?" the bishop continued.
"It means submission?" Hannah asked, not sure if it had some particular meaning that the bishop was referring to.
"Jah, but it means to submit to Gott's will. It means to resign yourself to Gott's will, to have a quiet spirit of self-denial and contentment."
The bishop sipped his tea, while Hannah tried to process his words. "Do you mean that I'm to accept the accident as Gott's will, and not blame Noah for it?"
The bishop did not answer directly but nodded to a large, thick book on the table nearby. "See that book."
"Jah, The Martyrs' Mirror." Hannah knew the book well. Just about every Amish home she had been in had that book and she heard about the martyrs just about every time she was in church.
The bishop stood up, and walked over to the table to fetch the book, before he sat down with it on his knee. "And do you know the full title?"
Hannah did know the full title, but she was nervous talking to the bishop, so had to collect her thoughts for a moment before she answered. "The Martyrs Mirror of the Defenseless Christians who baptized only upon confession of faith, and who suffered and died for the testimony of Jesus, their Savior, from the time of Christ to the year A.D. 1660."
The bishop patted the book. "And do you know why they were called Defenseless?"
Hannah shook her head. "No, not really."
"They were called Defenseless because they did not fight against authority when it was unjust."
Hannah did not see what that had to do with unforgiveness, so waited for the bishop to explain further.
"Not resi
sting is the same as forgiveness," the bishop continued. "Gott forgave us, so we must forgive others. It is not an option."
Hannah knew that in theory, but she was finding it hard to put into practice.
"Hannah," the bishop said softly, "you do not have the right not to forgive; that is the right of Gott, and Gott only."
Hannah nodded. Its very sense stuck at her soul.
"And you know how important forgiveness is in The Lord's Prayer."
Hannah silently recited The Lord's Prayer to herself.
Our Father, who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil:
for thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory, for ever.
Amen.
"Why, yes." Hannah felt as if a huge load had lifted off her. How could she have been so blind? She always said The Lord's Prayer silently before every meal, and recited it before every church meeting, so how had she overlooked the words, forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, for so long?
"As you struggle to forgive," the bishop continued, "you open yourself up to the grace of Gott. No one is able to forgive without Gott's help; it is beyond us and so we must reply on Gott with a gentle and quiet spirit. If Gott could forgive us, how can we refuse to forgive others? At the moment you forgive, that is the moment you let your pain go. Hand it over to Gott." He paused for a moment. "Am I making sense?"
Hannah nodded. "Yes, denki."
"I am not saying you forget what happened. Yes, it was an accident. Noah had not been speeding. But what if he had been speeding on his rumspringa? Should you forgive him any less? Nee. No matter what, you must take all your unforgiveness, all your anger, all your resentment, and hand it over to Gott. It is Gott's business; it is not your business."
The Amish Millers Get Married BOXED SET Books 1-3 (Amish Romance Book Bundle: The Way Home, The Way Forward, The Narrow Way) (Boxed Set: Amish Millers Get Married) Page 6
