Create a Life to Love

by Erin Zak

  Her words, the I love you, still hung in the air around us. It completely scared me that I wanted to say it back. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to tell her that I had never felt like this before, that my heart had never beat like this for someone else, that I’d never wanted to protect someone like this before, that I’d never wanted to take care of someone before. I wanted to tell her that I was normally selfish and a jerk and had no time or need for women other than fucking them and forgetting them. I wanted to tell her what a horrible human being I was, how I didn’t deserve her or this or even Beth. How did I tell this woman that she was my everything when I barely knew her? How did I, a person who had never romantically told someone that I loved her before, tell this woman that I wanted to change my entire existence to be with her? I wanted to love her so hard that she forgot her sadness and pain. I wanted to give her my heart, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would protect it with everything in her. And I wanted her to know that I would never stop fighting for her, for us, and for our family.

  Our family.

  * * *

  SUSAN

  My heart was racing. I’d told Jackie that I loved her. Why? Why did I open my mouth and let actual words escape? I felt so stupid, but at the same time, maybe it was the right thing to say at that time. She made my heart beat for the first time in ages. I had been floating through life, barely existing. I stopped doing everything that mattered to me because I was so depressed about the loss of love with my husband and the impending doom of the loss of my marriage. But Jackie looked at me with those eyes that she passed on to our daughter and touched me with her delicate hands and made me want to be alive again. I wanted to live. I wanted to love her for the rest of my days.

  And the way she loved me in bed was incredible. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried after sex. Hell, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d wanted more sex. Every nerve in my body was on fire. I felt like a maniac, sex-crazed and ready to go all day and all night. “I want you to tell me what to do…how hard to go, how fast…okay?” I said against Jackie’s ear. “I want to make you feel me…feel how much I love you.”

  “Jesus Christ,” Jackie said. She hissed out the last part of Christ, and I smiled.

  “Are you okay?” I bit down on her earlobe again and heard her gasp.

  “Are you trying to kill me?”

  I managed to smoothly maneuver my way out from under her. I rolled her onto her back. “Lift your hips,” I instructed, and I slid her bikini bottoms down her legs. She was completely shaved. I think my eyes must have gone wide because she chuckled.

  “Everything okay?”

  I licked my lips and tried to wet my mouth with saliva. I nodded before I locked eyes with her.

  “If you don’t want to do this…”

  The way her voice trailed off made my chest ache. “Baby,” I whispered. I lunged at her and kissed her because I had no idea what else to do. I wanted her so badly. So very badly. And I didn’t know how to handle the desire inside me. What was going on with me? Why did I fall so hard and so fast for this woman?

  This woman!

  Everything about the entire situation was so fucked up and scared me so much. But I didn’t care. I wanted to be happy. It had been years since I was happy. Years since I wanted to be touched. Years since I wanted to touch. Jackie waltzed into my life, and that was it. My need to be alive was not something I could fight any longer.

  “I want you,” I said against her lips. “I want you. All of you. Forever.”

  “Forever?” she asked, and oh my God, her voice cracked.

  “Yes,” I whispered, and I moved my hand over the smooth skin of her arms, across her shoulder to her chest. I ran my fingertips down to her breasts, the left one first. She was smaller than me. A perfect size, actually. A size I would have killed for when I was growing up: perky, round, not more than a handful. I wanted to study every inch of her, memorize every detail, like the size of her nipples, the color of the darkened flesh against the untanned skin of her breasts. I placed my lips on the side of her breast. Her skin was so soft, and she smelled so perfect, like Banana Boat sunscreen, the breeze from the gulf, and deodorant. I wanted to bottle the scent and wear it every day of my life. She was salty on my lips, and I licked a path to her very hard nipple. I pulled the stiff flesh into my mouth and sucked. Her sharp intake of breath spurred me on, and I rolled her between my teeth. I knew what I liked, so I did it to her and hoped for the best. I was not disappointed when I flicked her with my tongue, and she moaned my name. How did it sound even better like that than when she said it earlier into my ear?

  I moved to the right breast, lavished it with as much attention as I had the other. I heard her breathing start to become more rapid when I bit down again. I sucked next to where I nipped, hard enough that I knew it would leave a mark. I let go, and she picked her head up to look at me.

  “Did you give me a hickie?”

  I nodded. “Is that okay?”

  “Jesus,” she whispered. “Yes.”

  A laugh spilled from my mouth, and I smiled at her. “So, are you going to tell me what you like?” Her head was propped on a pillow, and I wanted so badly to get my mouth on her neck, right where the slope of her jawline stopped, where her pulse point lay under the soft skin. “Because I’m sure I could fumble around and figure it out, but I feel like you have a plan.” She lifted her head again, raised an eyebrow, and smiled a smile I hadn’t seen before. It was sexy, sensual, full of arousal, and I literally could have crawled up her body and kissed her for the next twelve hours. Everything about the look she was giving me was so intense, so unlike any other look that any other person had ever given me. “Do you not…” My voice trailed off. “Have a plan?”

  “Sweetheart,” she said as she propped herself up on her elbows. My eyes were instantly on her breasts and her abs, how they were flexed from the way she was sitting. “There’s never a plan.”

  I felt instantly self-conscious. Did I mess everything up?

  Jackie moved, and now she was kneeling in front of me. I loved how comfortable she was completely nude, but it made me wonder if I overstepped the comfortable easiness we seemed to find without much effort. I reached up and moved my hair behind my ears. I was trying to not cry. I didn’t want to get emotional again.

  “Give me your hand,” Jackie whispered as she held her hand out. I situated myself so I could put my hand in hers. She took it and laid it on her heart. I noticed the way my skin looked against hers, felt how soft she was, how her heart was pounding under her breast. “Do you feel that?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s for you.”

  “Jackie,” I whispered.

  “No, you have to hear this. I need to say it.” She smiled. “I do love you. And I’m not going to lie to you; it scares me. You scare me, but only because at the end of the day, none of this feels foreign. It all feels right. It was supposed to happen this way. That we were supposed to find each other, if for no other reason than for me to save you and Beth when you needed someone and for you to show me that falling in love with someone doesn’t have to actually hurt.” She reached forward with her free hand and ran her finger along my temple, down to my ear, and she pushed my hair behind it. “None of this has been according to some plan…so us? Together? In this moment? Doesn’t have a plan either, okay?”

  My heart lodged in my throat. I swallowed again and again and tried to hold back the emotion her words were causing. I finally nodded, and the smile she gave me made my entire body tingle. “Can I make love to you now?” I asked, my voice quiet but not nearly as unsure as it was earlier.

  “Please do.”

  I moved into her space, placed my lips on hers, felt her hands on my naked body, on my sides, on my hips as she pulled me closer to her. She repositioned herself, her legs out, and I crawled on top of her. I tried to turn my brain off, to tell it that my heart had this. I was going to be able to handle all of this. I wanted her so badly. I wan
ted to make sure she knew that.

  She was propped on her elbows again, kissing me, when I placed my hand on her stomach. I moved it slowly down until my palm was flat on the smooth skin right above where my fingers landed on her wetness.

  Is that how I felt? How wet I was? Because if so, Jesus Christ…

  It had been ages since I touched myself, so I honestly couldn’t remember. How sad was that? Not only did my husband not know my body any longer, but neither did I. Jackie spent more time and attention on my body than anyone had in years. And now I was going to reciprocate.

  When I slid a finger through Jackie’s wetness, she gasped into our kiss. She leaned her head back and broke our kiss, so I placed my lips on her neck, moved lower to her shoulder where I bit down lightly before I slipped a finger inside her. I was so delighted when she moaned, low and seductive, and ended it with my name. I smiled against the soft skin of her shoulder before I pulled my finger out and then pushed two inside her. She slid her legs farther apart, and I settled myself on her right thigh, straddling her, letting my own wetness touch her. I had my hand next to her, bracing my body weight, and when I pulled out and thrust into her again and again and again, I felt my arm start to shake. I was so aroused from hearing her, from seeing her underneath me. She bit down on her lip, she told me not to stop, she told me I was doing perfectly, and she told me I felt so amazing. I couldn’t handle how wonderful she made me feel because I made her feel good. Was that how sex was supposed to be? Was it supposed to make you feel equally as good when you helped that other person out? It was so not how my past life had been.

  “Susan?”

  “Yes?”

  “Can you touch my clit?”

  My entire body flushed. I smiled at her, looked down at my hand, and pulled out slowly. “Fingers in or out?”

  “Out, just touch it.”

  She was so fucking sexy. The direction didn’t make me self-conscious, either. I was so shocked and happy. I put my fingers right on her, started to massage, then lightly stroke.

  “I’m so close; please, do not stop.”

  “Do you want my fingers in when you come?”

  “Yes,” she said softly. “Please…yes, put them back. Oh God.”

  I slid my fingers back inside her and let my thumb do the work. Every time I pulled out and pushed in, I brushed her clit, and before I knew it, she was unraveling underneath me. She was no longer propped on her elbows. She had her head thrown back, and the veins in her neck were visible. She arched her back into me, continued to orgasm as I thrusted into her. I had no idea what was happening to me, but when she finally got to the top of her orgasm, I felt myself start to have one of my own. She was gripping my back now, and I heard her whisper in my ear to let go and come. And I did. I came so hard that I collapsed on top of her.

  Her low chuckle in my ear was so well timed. “Are you okay?”

  “Oh my God, I am so sorry. Did you finish? I am so embarrassed!” I sat up and covered my face with my hands. That never happened to me before. How did it without her even touching me?

  “That was so fucking hot. And yes, I finished. Believe me… That was…wow.” I felt her sit up, and her hands pulled mine from my face. “You are incredible. Absolutely incredible.”

  I lunged forward and kissed her. I wrapped my arms around her, slid my tongue into her mouth, and felt her somehow manage to slip her hand between us, and then slip her fingers inside me. I was so close already that it took no time at all for another orgasm to slam into me again. And then it happened again. Two times in a row! “Jackie, oh my God, you have to stop,” I panted. Her fingers were still inside me, and I knew if she continued, I’d either die or come alive, and I couldn’t decide which one I wanted to happen more.

  We both collapsed onto the bed. I was completely spent. My heart was beating so fast, so hard, and my breathing was not returning to normal. I glanced over at Jackie, at her smile, her eyes, and she started to laugh. A deep belly laugh that made my brain short circuit from the sheer joy I felt hearing how happy she was.

  “Susan?” she whispered after she looked up toward the ceiling fan.

  “Hmm?”

  “I don’t think I’ve ever felt this happy before.”

  I rolled onto my side, and a smile stretched across my gently bruised lips. “No?”

  She shook her head, still staring up, and then reached up to her eyes. I heard her sniffle, saw a tear slide down her cheek toward the sheets, and heard her say, “Fuck. I hate crying.”

  I placed my hand on her abdomen and scooted closer, laid my leg over hers and kissed her shoulder. “I’ll make you happy for as long as you’ll let me.” And it was true. I would never hurt her.

  * * *

  BETH

  I used to think it was insane how I got to see a baby elephant being born when we were at the San Diego Zoo. I was eight, and I was at a day camp for kids who wanted to be zoologists. I was allowed to help with so many different things, and I held on to that memory ever since. It was probably why I always felt that elephants were my spirit animals. I used to talk about how I wanted to be an elephant whisperer and save them from being poached. Watching the birth somehow formed a bond with the animals that I really never understood. But I didn’t fight it. I loved elephants.

  I was a strange kid.

  Watching Mom and Jackie as they went from whatever the hell they had been to what they were now? It was hands down better than seeing the elephant being born. I was sure it was because I was older and wiser. I was mesmerized by the whole thing. And as I sat next to Peggy at the parking spot near the airport telling her about it, she listened to me as if I was telling her the secrets to the world. She didn’t interrupt me. She didn’t say a word. She kept staring at me. And for maybe the first time ever, I felt really important. And really turned on.

  Ugh…

  “It’s been a weird ride, y’know what I mean?”

  Peggy cleared her throat. “I do, yes.” We were sitting on a blanket on the ground, and when she leaned back against the bumper of her car, she smiled. “You know how crazy it is, right? Like, you realize it?”

  I nodded and smiled back. “I don’t think you’ve ever told me about your parents.” I turned so I was facing her, sitting cross-legged. “Are they still together?”

  “They are not,” Peggy answered softly. There was a plane getting ready to take off, so the rumble of the engines stopped our conversation momentarily. We both turned our attention toward the sky as the Allegiant Airlines plane roared over us. The heat from the runway and the engines followed and slammed into us. I could hear Peggy’s gentle laughter die down once the moment passed. “Guess we should have picked a different spot for these deep conversations?”

  “I mean, I’m having a good time.” I moved my hand so my pinky brushed the bare skin of her thigh above her knee.

  She turned her head, and her eyes locked on mine. “Really?”

  “Yeah, really.”

  “So, my parents?” Peggy looked back at the few stars we could see through the light pollution and sighed. “They divorced when I was three. I haven’t really had a mom. I mean, we talk or whatever, and I used to spend every other weekend with her. But she is pretty absent as far as who helped shape me into the person I am today. My dad raised me. He is wonderful, even though he rides a Harley, smokes a lot of pot, and owns a landscaping business that seems to always be struggling.” She shook her head while she chuckled. “He’s been really amazing. He’s done this by himself for years.”

  “Never had a girlfriend?”

  “There have been a few women. One that has stuck around for the last couple of years. She’s nice. Her name is Monica. I like her a lot. She calms my dad down, too, which is nice.”

  “Does he know about you?”

  Peggy laughed. “He’s known since I was five when I pitched a fit about having to wear a dress to church. I’ve always gravitated more toward women than men. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve crushed on some boys, but the number
of women I’ve had crushes on definitely outweighs the boys. I’ve had a crush on one of my female teachers every year since I was like, seven.”

  “Seven!”

  “I know,” Peggy said softly and glanced at me before turning her attention back to the sky. “I’m a sexual person. Always have been.”

  “That’s not a bad thing.”

  She looked over at me, an eyebrow arched, the corner of her mouth pulled up slightly, and asked, “Oh, yeah?”

  I nodded and was happy that the darkness of the night hid the blush that crept through my body and flooded my face.

  “You know, Brock is pissed off at me.”

  I shook my head and sighed. “Why?”

  “Because of you. Because you chose me.”

  “Oh? I chose you, eh?”

  She reached down and linked her fingers with mine. “Didn’t you?”

  “Honestly?” I looked away from her and tried to hold myself together. “I don’t know if I had a choice.” She squeezed my fingers lightly. “I sort of couldn’t help it. Y’know what I mean?”

  “Yes,” she breathed. “And you’re a lot younger than me.”

  “I am one year younger than you,” I said. “You’re crazy.” She laughed that smooth laugh she had, and I felt myself melting into her. “You do confuse me, though.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “I thought I was into guys and guys alone.”

  “You can still be into guys, you know.”

  “I know,” I said softly. “I mean, maybe I am? I don’t know.”

  Peggy brushed her hand over my knee, then pressed her palm onto the top of my thigh. “Bisexuality is alive and well in this world.”

  My words were stuck in my throat. The feeling of her hand on my thigh made my entire body tingle.