Create a Life to Love

by Erin Zak

  “I’ll never pressure you.”

  “Oh, Peggy,” I said softly. “You know I want you, though, right?”

  She leaned over and placed her lips on mine and kissed me so sweetly and softly. “Where did you come from? How did I find you?”

  I smiled when Peggy sighed and gently pressed her forehead against mine. “I feel the same way about you.”

  “What am I going to do if you move back? I won’t survive.”

  “Don’t let me,” I said with a small smile. “Don’t let me go.” And I did something I never thought I’d have the courage to do. I moved and straddled her lap, and when I placed my hands on her face, she leaned in and kissed me. Her hands moved up the back of my shirt, and I wondered briefly if I was ready for this. To give myself fully to this girl who stole my heart and soul.

  “Georgia?”

  I smiled into her kisses. “Yes?”

  “I want to make you feel good…”

  “You do.”

  “I’m not going to let you go. Okay?”

  I pulled back and looked into her eyes. “I am absolutely okay with that.” And I was. I really was.

  Chapter Thirteen

  JACKIE

  Watching Susan flip pancakes while I sipped coffee was quite possibly the most marvelous thing I had ever experienced.

  Except, of course, the two back-to-back orgasms she gave me earlier that morning. It sounded really stupid, but damn, Susan was a quick study. She had me on my side and then on my stomach and my word, being fucked from behind was quite possibly my favorite position. I could not even begin to describe how alive it made me feel.

  And Susan? Behind me? Thrusting into me?

  Fuck.

  I could have died and let the Lord Himself take me away. I didn’t know if I had ever felt as complete as she made me feel.

  “What the heck has gotten into you?”

  My head jerked toward the sound of Beth’s voice as she walked into the kitchen. She was up, dressed, and appeared ready to tackle her second week of school. She seemed to be settling in really well. The decision to actually put her into school was a joint decision made by Susan and myself. When we had the conversation, both Susan and Beth were relieved that I didn’t want them to leave, that I wanted them to stay forever if they would. And they were so happy they didn’t need to go back to Savannah anytime soon.

  “Nothing! Why?” I asked with a shocked expression. Busted.

  “Yeah, right. You have no poker face.”

  Susan was looking over her shoulder at us, smiling, with one perfectly sculpted eyebrow arched.

  “What?” I asked. I shrugged. “I was thinking!” Susan chuckled, and I made eye contact again with Beth, who was leaning against the counter eating a plain pancake. She narrowed her eyes. “You are the child. You remember that, right?”

  “Mm-hmm,” she mumbled around a mouthful of pancake.

  “Whatever,” I said softly. “You act like you aren’t equally guilty of whatever you’re accusing me of.”

  Beth pointed her thumb at herself. “Me? What are you talking about?”

  “Oh, really? Flitting around here, smiling, laughing, FaceTiming Peggy at all hours of the night. Don’t think you’re the only one with eyes.” I watched as Beth’s shocked expression slowly morphed into a smile. “Yeah, see?” I pointed. “You’re smiling because you know I’m right.”

  Beth glanced at her mom, then back to me. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “What is going on there?” Susan asked as she removed the last pancake from the griddle and placed the plateful on the island in front of me. She motioned toward them and said, “Eat,” and it was followed by a wink that made my insides tingle.

  I shuffled three onto my plate, lathered them up with butter, and poured maple syrup over the tops. The first bite melted in my mouth, and I let out a moan. Susan and Beth both looked at me, and I mumbled my apologies.

  “What is going on where? With Peggy?”

  Susan gave Beth a look and said, “You know what I mean.”

  I saw Beth’s eyes, the way they went wide for a split second and then the nod that seemed to mean okay, I see where you’re going with this. Her eyes darted to me, then landed back on Susan, who mimicked Beth’s standing position against the counter. “So, I think I’m in love with her.”

  Well, shit, she did not beat around the bush.

  I watched for Susan’s reaction, which had to be bubbling beneath the surface, but if it was, she didn’t let it reach her face. I wondered what that meant. Was she shocked? Sad? From my experience, most parents were sad after learning about their kid being not what they expected. My mom was so mad that she told me I was going to Hell and that she couldn’t believe I would do this to her. She finally came around, but it was not a fun two years.

  “I know that might not be what you expected to hear, or whatever, but that’s kind of where I am at the moment.” Beth shrugged and folded her arms across her chest. “I don’t want you to be upset with me. I don’t want you to think there’s something wrong with me. I know this isn’t ideal or what you wanted for me. I get all of that.”

  I kept my eyes on Susan. She still wasn’t budging, and it made my heart ache for Beth. I slid my stool out from the counter and sprang to action. “Beth,” I said as I took the ten feet or so in as few steps as possible. I put my hands on her shoulders because she was still staring at Susan. “Look at me.” She finally moved her gaze to look directly into my eyes. I couldn’t handle how it was like looking in a mirror sometimes. “We do not think that there is anything wrong with you.”

  “She does,” Beth said as she motioned toward Susan.

  “No, she doesn’t.” I was worried Susan wasn’t going to chime in, then I felt her hand on the small of my back and saw her other hand delicately land on Beth’s cheek.

  “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you,” Susan whispered. “Beth, you’re my baby. All I want is your happiness. If that happiness is with a girl, so be it.”

  I was watching Susan’s delicate cheekbones, the fullness of her lips, and how gorgeous her jawline was. How was it possible that this gorgeous woman became even more beautiful as she stood in front of our daughter and supported her?

  “Jackie? Are you crying?” Beth asked.

  Oh my God, I was. I was crying. My hands shot to my face, and I wiped at the tears on my cheeks. “No! Heck no! It was some dust or something. I’m sure of it.”

  Susan was smiling, Beth had the smirk that clearly I passed on to her, and they both nodded. “Dust, eh?” Susan asked quietly.

  “Had to have been dust. Definitely.” Beth grabbed my wrist and tugged me into a hug. Susan wrapped her arms around us both, and for the first time in a long time, maybe we would all be okay.

  When Beth pulled away, she took a deep breath. “So,” she said and cleared her throat. “I need to go to school. Can I take these pancakes to go?”

  Susan whisked around the kitchen, grabbed a baggie, and shoved three pancakes into it. She poured orange juice into a travel mug and pushed the items into Beth’s hands. “I love you,” Susan whispered as she placed her hand back on Beth’s cheek. “So much.”

  “Thank you, Mom.” Beth’s audible sigh of relief was almost palpable. “I love you, too. And you, I love you, Jackie.”

  I looked from Beth to Susan, then back to Beth. “You do?”

  Beth laughed. She honest to God laughed at me! “You’re ridiculous,” she said as she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. “I’ll see you guys later.”

  “Tell Peggy we said hello!” Susan shouted as Beth rushed through the apartment, backpack slung over her shoulder, and out the door. When the only thing I could hear was my beating heart and Susan’s deep breaths, she asked quietly, “You okay?”

  I braced myself on the counter. The cold granite was exactly what I needed. “I’m not sure.” It was a weird feeling. I’d always been happy being a lesbian. It was never an issue, aside from my mom’s two-ye
ar freak out. I was always able to find what I needed when I needed it with a woman of my choosing. It was familiar and comfortable.

  “What are you thinking?”

  I stared at the tile floor. “If I could have chosen this for her, this is exactly how I would have wanted it. Is that wrong?”

  “I don’t know if I get what you’re saying.”

  I looked at Susan, and she placed her hands on the granite, boosted herself so she was now sitting on the countertop, and crossed her left leg over the right at the ankle. Her fingers wrapped over the edge of the counter, and she leaned forward slightly. Her hair was slightly wild, the curl not handling the increasing Florida humidity. She had a headband that was securing the fly-aways, and she looked so beautiful. I almost hated how pretty she was because losing my train of thought and having my breath catch in my throat with no warning was a little unsettling. I felt so much for this woman. I was in love with her, but I also wanted to communicate with her. To open up and share a part of myself I had never shared with anyone. And when she raised an eyebrow, I felt my heart tell my brain it was okay to let go. I took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and quietly said, “Beth wasn’t an accident.”

  Susan was insanely good at not responding without thinking. She sat there, her eyebrow still arched, and looked at me. She didn’t move. She didn’t even seem to be breathing.

  “I got pregnant on purpose.” I saw her knuckles whiten. “I was in college. And I hated my life and myself. I knew I was gay. I knew it. But I slept with a man. Once became twice, which turned into a regular thing. There was nothing that I liked about it.” I finally pulled my eyes from Susan and looked down at my clasped hands. “I got pregnant because I thought it would fix me.”

  “Fix you? How?”

  I shrugged. “Coming out was not easy for me. My mom was mad for years. My dad was, well…not much better? So, I tried to make it right. I tried to fix myself with a baby. And it backfired.” I explained to her that it wasn’t easy; none of it was easy. I hated everything I was doing, never felt comfortable, and trapped a really good friend into something neither of us wanted. “Travis was great. He really was. I met him in college. We were in this creative writing class together. He approached me, and I thought, ‘Hmm, this could be interesting.’” I flashed back to Travis in his green Henley polo and faded jeans. He had mouse-brown hair, cute dimples, and a great smile, and I let myself go. I needed to have sex with a guy. I needed to open myself up to the possibility that I was wrong about who I was.

  “Is that where Beth gets her dark hair?”

  I nodded, still looking down at my hands. “Her smile, too.”

  “I don’t know. I think her smile is yours.” Susan’s voice was soft, caring, full of emotion. I glanced up at her.

  “You think?”

  “Yeah,” she said, and she had a small smile on her face, I guess to show me that she understood.

  “I’m sorry.” I heard the words before I realized I said them. “I thought I could do it. And Travis sort of flipped out on me when I told him. He got so angry. He didn’t want to be a dad. Accused me of doing it on purpose and he wasn’t wrong. I did do it on purpose. I stopped taking my birth control, and I told him afterward, and he flipped. He went crazy. I lost him after all of that. He never wanted anything to do with me again. All of that so I could fucking figure myself out. I was so messed up.” I felt bile rising, and my stomach twisting uncontrollably. Talking about myself was always hard. But talking about this? Something I was so ashamed of and hated myself for was making me hate myself all over again.

  Susan slid off the counter and closed the distance between us. “Jackie?”

  Her voice was so smooth. All Susan had to do was say my name, and my entire body responded. “Yeah?”

  “You did the right thing,” she whispered as she placed her hand over mine. “You gave her a good life with me.”

  “I guess you’re right.”

  “I am right,” she said softly as she pulled me into her arms. “I’m very right.”

  I buried my head in her shoulder and the soft skin of her neck. She smelled like sleep and breakfast, which made me so happy. And turned on, unfortunately. It wasn’t the right time to try my moves again. Even though I probably wouldn’t have to beg at all. I figured why not? “Do you think we could go have sex?”

  Susan’s laugh was so light and airy that it made my insides shiver. “I don’t think that would be a problem.”

  “Okay, good, because I really need to feel you right now.”

  “Oh, really?”

  I pulled back and looked deep into her eyes. “I need to taste you, too.”

  “Holy cow,” she said as she breathed out, a blush filling her cheeks.

  “Honestly? I really want to make you moan my name.” I thought I wasn’t going to turn on the charm? Guess I was wrong.

  “Then what the hell are we waiting for?” Susan asked as she backed away and started in the direction of my bedroom.

  I stopped her. “Right here is good.”

  “The floor?”

  “Yes.” I pulled her back toward me and pulled her pajama pants down her legs. “Spontaneity is the spice of life. Haven’t you heard?” When my eyes met hers from my kneeling position, she placed two fingers under my chin and licked her lips.

  “I love you,” Susan whispered. “I am so happy you told me your story. Beth’s story.”

  I hooked my fingers into the waistband of her light pink panties and slowly started to slide them off, over her ass, her thighs, until she could step out of them. I leaned forward and placed a kiss on her, breathed in her scent, and felt for maybe the first time in sixteen years that maybe I did the right thing.

  Chapter Fourteen

  BETH

  So, coming out to both of my moms before school was probably not the best idea, but everything was going really well for me. It was my second week, and it was awesome so far. I was enjoying it, which was foreign for me. I normally hated school. Hated the idea of school. Hated communicating with people who really meant nothing to me.

  But for some reason, I sort of fit in. It was strange, but at the same time, comfortable. Peggy was a senior. Me, a junior. Maybe it helped that I was friends with an upper classman who was pretty popular. I mean, she was in a band. That was pretty freaking cool, right?

  I was happy that I let my mom and Jackie talk me into actually going back. Part of me wanted to start the entire school year over next year. Be a year behind and cut my losses. No one would have blamed me. Going through the divorce with my parents was not easy. Even though Jackie had been so wonderful.

  And what the hell was going on with her and my mom? Clearly, they were fucking. That realization was like a slap to the face at first. I got over it, of course, but wow. That came out of left field.

  “Good morning, Beth.”

  I looked up at my new art teacher. “Hey there, Mrs. Thorn. How are you?” She was a larger woman, not fat but tall, and she had this long, dark brown hair that she always put in a braid over her shoulder. Her glasses always slipped down her nose, so when she spoke to anyone, she looked over the top of them. She wore these long skirts and flowy shirts. Maybe she’d been a hippie in her younger years, which totally made her cooler than she probably deserved. She had to only be in her thirties, but Peggy said she was much older. Either way, I didn’t care. She was cool, trendy, and she was my favorite part about the new school (except for Peggy, of course).

  “I’m doing well. Listen,” she said as she pulled a stool out and sat across from me at one of the high-top tables in the art room. “There’s this art competition I think you should enter.”

  “Um. What?”

  “It’s called Creative Minds, and it’s been going on forever here in St. Pete. It’s very prestigious. Artists enter from all over the country. It lasts for a few days, and it’s coming up in about a month. They only judge on one of the days. You can still enter, though. I checked it all out. They allow late entries until two d
ays before.” Mrs. Thorn pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and sighed. “I entered when I was in school many, many, many moons ago. I got second runner-up, which was amazing because it gave me a huge scholarship to go to a university of my choosing.”

  “I mean, that’s really cool and all, but I don’t think I can enter a competition. What would I enter? This?” I held up the drawing of Myrtle I was working on for one of her assignments. “It’s a child’s drawing. Anyone can do this!”

  She laughed. “Actually, I know you won’t believe me, but that’s really good, and you have great lines and shading going on.” She studied it and pointed to Myrtle’s paws. “Look at the detail in the hair on her feet. That’s not easy to do.”

  My shoulders fell and I tilted my head. “Come on, Mrs. Thorn. You know what I mean.”

  “Okay,” she said before she clasped her hands on top of the table and leaned forward. Her breasts propped on the table, and in other circumstances, I probably would have stared and then later wondered why I was so intrigued. Thankfully, I was finally fucking figuring it all out, so I jerked my eyes up to hers. “I’m not going to lie.”

  “Okay?”

  “Peggy told me about your paintings.”

  “So? You’ve already seen some of my work.”

  “Of your moms.”

  My breath hitched. “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah,” she said again. “I know that may have been private.”

  I nodded. “They are private. Yes.”

  “I think you need to consider it. Because you could win.” She reached across the table and put her hand on mine. Teachers did not normally touch students, but for some reason, this didn’t feel awkward. “I’ll leave you to your work.”

  I watched her walk away in her Birkenstocks with her skirt flowing behind her. My mind was racing. I was torn between being pissed off at Peggy and Mrs. Thorn and ecstatic that either of them thought I had talent. Especially my teacher. She was an artist herself. So, her thinking that I could maybe do it? And win? Shouldn’t that have made me happy? Why was I feeling so much anger?