One Step At A Time

by Caroline Anderson

  ‘Haven’t swum for years. I’d probably sink.’

  She laughed. ‘Mrs Donaldson said that too.’ ‘Peggy?’ He all but pricked his ears. ‘Really?’

  ‘She’s going to have a go, I think.’

  ‘Oh, well, if she can, I dare say I could manage it.’

  ‘I’m sure you could. Now, how about pain relief?’

  ‘I don’t need it. I stopped taking the pills earlier in the week. Told the sister I didn’t need them. She said she’d hold them in reserve and I could have them if I changed my mind. It’s such a relief not to need them, because they only deaden it a bit. That knee was so painful. I damaged it falling off my motorbike when I was eighteen, and it’s given me trouble all my life. This is the best it’s ever been, I think!’

  Another success story, Kate thought. He was certainly walking well on it.

  At five she went and found Dominic under a sea of paperwork in his consulting room. ‘How are you doing?’ she asked.

  ‘I’ll survive. Only about another four hours’ work here. How are you doing?’

  ‘I’ve finished. I thought I’d make sure Stephie has everything she needs ready for tomorrow, and then I’ll come back and have some supper. Are you going to eat?’

  ‘Hmm?’

  He wasn’t listening, his head bent over the paperwork again.

  Her heart heavy, she left him to it.

  Stephie’s room looked as if a bomb had gone off in it.

  Kate confiscated her Walkman and her magazine, read the riot act and told her that she wasn’t going anywhere tomorrow unless she tidied it immaculately.

  It was an empty threat. She would have sent her off for the day if she hadn’t touched the room, but Stephie didn’t know that. She came down an hour later and Kate went to inspect it.

  Immaculate. ‘Why can’t you always keep it like this?’ she asked, exasperated.

  ‘Because I’d never be able to find anything,’ Stephie said, with irrefutable teenage logic.

  Kate rolled her eyes. ‘Right, sort out your things for tomorrow and pack a bag for the night—and don’t fling everything out of the drawers while you’re looking for something! We’ll go and eat when you’re finished.’

  There was no sign of Dominic in the dining room, and the housekeeper said that he hadn’t been in. Kate took a plate of salad through to his consulting room and plonked it down on top of the paperwork.

  ‘Eat,’ she advised.

  He looked up, peering over the top of his wirerimmed glasses and managing to look extraordinarily gorgeous in the process. ‘Oh—hi. Is that the time?’

  ‘It is.’ She hitched her hip up on the edge of his desk and restrained the urge to run her hands through his tousled and incredibly soft-looking hair. ‘What are you doing?’

  He dropped his glasses on the paperwork and stretched, dragging his shirt out of his trousers and treating her to a glimpse of board-flat, hair-strewn middle that made her insides clench. ‘Getting to grips with some of the estate admin,’ he said on a yawn.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Oh?’

  She sighed. ‘You aren’t going to be doing it tomorrow, are you?’ she asked with little hope.

  He met her eyes. ‘No way. Tomorrow is for us. A little oasis in the chaos.’

  An oasis? She looked at the mess on his desk. More like a mirage. If he intended to clear that lot, there was no way she’d get her weekend with him.

  Arching a brow, she slid off the edge of the desk and straightened. ‘I’ll believe it when I see it,’ she said heavily.

  ‘Believe it,’ he vowed, and his soft, gruff voice sent a shiver through her. She looked back at him, but he was putting his glasses on with one hand and feeding himself with the other, then reaching for a stack of papers.

  She went back to the cottage and found Stephie in her swimming things. ‘I’m just going for a dip—coming?’

  ‘You’ve just eaten.’

  ‘Not that much, and I was only going to loll around. It’s just so hot today.’

  It had been hot, and the thought was tempting. Kate picked up her things and followed Stephie over to the pool.

  There were several people in the water, some fitness club members but others from the clinic. John Whitelaw was there, unsurprisingly. He spent most of his free time swimming, and was thoroughly enjoying it. Next to him, Kate was pleased to see Peggy Donaldson, tentatively trying out her strokes with his cheerful encouragement and gentle teasing.

  She went to change, and as she came out she saw Anthony Walker emerge from the men’s changing area.

  ‘Hi,’ she said with a smile. ‘Going to take the physio’s advice?’

  ‘Thought I would. I see Peggy’s here.’ He pulled a face. ‘If I’d known I wouldn’t have come now. Don’t want to make a fool of myself.’

  Kate shot him a grin. ‘Nor does she. Why don’t you just go and have fun? You don’t have to swim seriously—it’s a fairly shallow even-depth pool. You can walk around all over it if you want.’

  He put his towel down on a bench and walked selfconsciously to the side. Peggy looked up and saw him, and her face softened with welcome.

  ‘Anthony!’ she called. ‘It’s easy—have a go!’

  He went down the steps into the water, pushed off cautiously and found himself swimming towards her without effort.

  John faded away, a knowing smile lurking in his eyes, and turned towards Kate.

  ‘Hi, Doc. Coming in?’

  ‘Yes, if you promise not to race me. I’ve just eaten.’

  ‘Me too. I was just cooling off—trying to relax a bit, actually.’ He looked uncomfortable. ‘Andrea’s coming for the weekend. I don’t know how it’ll go. Last weekend was a nightmare, but at least we’re talking now. Hopefully we’ll get through this weekend without smashing the place up.’

  He rested his arms on the side and Kate sat down beside him, legs dangling in the water. ‘What time’s she coming?’

  He shrugged. ‘She said late evening. I suppose that means about eight.’ He glanced up at the dock, which said seven. ‘Fancy sitting in the spa and keeping me company while I get the jitters?’

  ‘Sure.’ She got up and waited as he hitched himself out of the pool without bothering to use the winch, hauled himself into his chair, then wheeled it over to the spa. ‘I see you’re managing without the hoist.’

  ‘Yeah. It’s not very elegant but it saves time.’

  He positioned his wheelchair by the wall, where there was a handrail, hitched himself out and then crossed the gap by pushing down on his hands and swinging his bottom forwards. It was a manoeuvre he wouldn’t have been fit enough for a few weeks ago, Kate knew, and it was an indication of how hard he had worked.

  He settled himself in the water on one side, and she sat on the other and turned on the jets.

  For a moment he just floated in the water, then he opened his eyes, spread his arms out at each side on the edge and looked at Kate. ‘I hope this weekend works,’ he told her quietly. ‘I’ve set myself a goat—I just don’t know how unrealistic it is. I want Andrea to see my legs—and I’m scared to death.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Do you think, after talking to her, that she finds me—repellent?’

  ‘Repellent? John, what an awful word. No, I’m sure she doesn’t. I think she might be worried about how she’ll react when she sees them.’

  ‘Not as worried as me. Still, we have to go through it if we’re going to stay together. I can’t dress and undress in the dark for the rest of my life—especially not putting on my left leg. I suppose it’s because of all the soft thigh muscle, but it’s much harder than the below-knee one. It’s such a struggle to get the stump down into the socket. I have to put long socks over it and thread them down through the socket and out the bottom, then pull and wriggle and tuck and fight with the damn thing—it takes about ten minutes. The other one’s much easier.’

  ‘How’s the walking going?’

  ‘Good, I suppose. It feels less odd now. I’m using the mi
rrors, of course—to make sure I’m upright and walking properly—but it’s damn difficult.’

  ‘Babies take a long time to walk,’ Kate reminded him. ‘You’re having to learn all over again.’

  He laughed humourlessly. ‘Tell me about it.’ He shut his eyes and dropped his head back. ‘Oh, God, Kate, tell me it’ll be all right. Tell me she won’t take one look at me and refuse to touch me. I need her— I need to hold her. I need her to hold me—it’s been so damn long.’

  He lifted his head up and looked at her, and his eyes were bright with tears. ‘Sometimes I think I’ve lost so much more than just my legs, and I wonder if we’ll ever get it back.’

  ‘It takes a lot of courage to try,’ she said softly. ‘If your achievements were measured in sheer grit, we’d be able to resurface all the roads in Britain with it.’

  His reply was rude, and to the point, but his eyes flooded and he shut them, dropping his head forwards again and pressing his fingers to his eyes. He took a steadying breath. ‘It still hasn’t got me the only thing I really care about,’ he added softly, ‘because it isn’t my grit we’re talking about. It’s Andrea’s, and I don’t think she can cope.’

  ‘Then you’ll have to have courage for both of you.’

  ‘I’m so scared about it, I don’t think I’ll be any use to her anyway,’ he said flatly. ‘I’m going—I have to get all dolled up with my legs on, ready for her.’

  ‘For her, or for you?’

  He smiled grimly. ‘Both. I’ll see you, Kate. Thanks for the moral support.’

  She watched him haul himself out, shuffle over to his chair and swing himself up into it. As he flicked off the brakes he looked up, and his face went curiously still.

  Kate turned her head. Andrea was standing at the end of the pool, frozen, her eyes on John. For a moment Kate thought that she would run away, but she didn’t. She walked slowly round the pool until she drew level with Kate, her eyes locked on her husband, oblivious to everything else but him. For a long time they simply stared at each other, and then she smiled—a tiny, tentative smile. ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hi.’ His voice was gruff. ‘You’re early. I was just going to change.’

  Her eyes were fixed firmly on his face. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll wait.’ She started to turn away.

  ‘My things are in my room. I changed there.’

  ‘Oh. I’ll—er—wait in the bar,’ she stammered.

  He hesitated, then he dredged up more of that courage Kate had been talking about. ‘Come with me,’ he said.

  He didn’t wait for an answer, just propelled his chair forwards and round the edge of the pool towards the exit. Without a word Andrea followed him.

  Kate slowly climbed out of the spa and watched them go. Would they be all right? Dear God, she hoped so. If anyone deserved happiness they did.

  She sighed. It was going to be a soul-searching weekend all round, she thought with a quiver of anticipation—assuming that she could get Dominic away from his desk.

  She found Stephie frolicking in the water with Jason, who was now off duty. ‘Are you coming?’ she asked.

  Stephie shook her head. ‘I’ll stay here for a bit longer.’

  Kate hesitated, but then left them to it. What harm could come to them in a public place? Anyway, Jason was a decent young man. He’d make sure that she knew where she stood. Dominic had had a word with him and had been assured that although he found her nice enough, he felt that she was too young for him. ‘She’s just a kid,’ he had said to Dominic. Dominic had told him to remember that fact, and Kate was sure that it had been put in such a way that Jason would, indeed, remember it!

  She went back to the cottage alone and spent the next hour sorting washing out and feeding machines.

  Stephie turned up at about eight-thirty, recovered her Walkman and magazine and went upstairs, and after another two hours Kate went to bed. There was no sign of Dominic. Maybe he was spending the evening finishing that paperwork so they would have the weekend free.

  She hoped so, but there was a nagging element of doubt. Well, she’d know by the morning. If the paperwork was more important than her, she’d have her answer. . .

  She didn’t hear him come in. When she went down at seven to get Stephie breakfasted and ready to be picked up at eight, his bedroom door was shut. She saw Stephie off, armed with changes of clothes, sunscreen and plenty of sage advice, and opened the door a chink. He was there, lying spreadeagled on his back, arms flung over his head, and looking so much like his daughter did in sleep that her heart did a funny little lurch.

  She closed the door softly and went out into the garden. His French doors were standing wide open but the curtains were shut, billowing slightly in the breeze.

  She wanted to join him. She nearly did, but what would that achieve? She knew they would be all right physically. To go in there and wake him and make love with him would bring her no closer to an answer. They needed to talk about why he wanted her back and if he really did, or if he was just lonely and bored and felt like having a bit on the side without having to bother to work for it.

  Making it even easier wouldn’t help at all.

  She dead-headed the roses, pulled up a few weeds that had peeped amongst the flourishing perennials and hung out some washing in the little private yard at the side.

  When she went back in he was sitting at the kitchen table, crutches propped up beside him, sipping a steaming mug of tea.

  She put the laundry basket down and waggled her fingers at him. ‘Morning.’

  He grunted.

  She poured herself some tea and sat down opposite him, eyeing him over the mug.

  ‘What time did you get to bed?’

  He gave her a bleary look. ‘About five. I needed some answers. I’ve got them now.’

  ‘Couldn’t it have waited?’

  He shook his head. ‘No, because it concerns you—or it might. That depends.’

  She searched his face. ‘On?’

  ‘Us. On what we decide this weekend.’

  ‘You mean we get our weekend?’ she asked sceptically.

  ‘Barring flood, riot and civil commotion.’

  Her mouth tipped a little, but the smile was short-lived. ‘Dominic, do we have a future?’ she asked very softly.

  He set his mug down.

  ‘I hope so,’ he murmured. ‘We’ll find out, won’t we? I’m going to shower and dress, and then we’ll go.’

  ‘Go where?’

  He stood up and slotted his arms into his crutches. ‘Round the estate. I want to show you what’s involved, so you know what you’d be taking on. It isn’t just me, you see, Kate. There are dozens of people out there depending on me—not just in the clinic but on the farms, in the cottages and lodges, down at the stabtes—all of them relying on me and trusting me not to let them down. I want you to see it all, so that you realise what it’s all about. Then you can decide whether to stay or go.’

  They stood on the high ground at the top of the park, looking out across the rolling acres that surrounded them on all sides. In the distance someone was riding a horse along a bridleway that crossed the park, and they could hear the faint drum of hooves on the still air.

  A hawk hovered high above them, and in the woodland behind deer grazed quietly. It was spectacularly lovely, and Kate was enthralled.

  ‘It’s beautiful, Dominic,’ she breathed. ‘The house, the grounds, the park, the farms—all of it.’

  He snorted. ‘It’s a millstone, Kate. I was looking at the figures last night, working out if it was viable or not. I think this year, for the first time, we might break even. I might even get a salary.’

  She looked at him in amazement. ‘You don’t pay yourself anything?’

  ‘Not yet.’

  ‘But you send me money every month.’

  ‘Of course I do. I have a commitment to Stephie. That comes before anything.’

  Kate gave a shaky sigh. ‘If I’d had any idea, we could have managed with less. I’m working too—I
could have supported her, just while you got this place on its feet.’

  His smile was twisted and a little sad. ‘I know you could have done. That’s not the point, Kate. Stephie’s maintenance is a drop in the ocean compared to what this estate costs to keep it ticking. It all needs constant maintenance, and juggling the finances to keep it all in good order is next to impossible. The house alone takes thousands every year, just to keep it in good shape.’

  ‘But surely the clinic covers that?’

  He laughed softly. ‘It pays running costs. The fitness club has paid for a lot of the improvements, and I sold off two farms and a couple of cottages and took out a massive mortgage. Like I said, this year we might break even. As for the rest of the estate, all the properties need roofs and windows and plumbing replacing and maintaining, the fences, hedges and ditches need looking after, the grass needs cutting, the woodland has to be managed, Home Farm needs to be farmed— it’s endless. And on top of it all I have patients depending on me, staff looking to me for answers—it’s literally never-ending.’

  He turned to her. ‘You ask me for time. I don’t have it—not time to shut off and forget the place for days on end. I can snatch the odd hour here and there, but that’s all.’

  ‘You need help.’

  ‘Help has to be paid for, and even with help there’s all the decision-making. I have to do that, and without the background knowledge I can’t. So I have to do it all myself.’

  ‘You need an estate manager—someone to do the day to day running and come to you for more major decisions.’

  ‘I have one, but he’s snowed under.’

  ‘So get him an assistant. You’re too valuable to do that job.’

  Dominic sighed. ‘I tried—he ran off with masses of expensive tools and equipment.’

  ‘So get another. Not everyone’s a thief.’

  He switched the subject back to the clinic.

  That’s the least of my worries. I need another doctor. Sally Roberts wants to give up. She’s finding it all too difficult, and although she’s only part-time she’s decided it’s too much. As soon as I can get someone else mug enough to take it on, she’s leaving.’