by Toni Blake
“Hey,” she said. Her blond hair was drawn back from her face, giving him a clear view of her pretty brown eyes and berry-colored lips, her cheeks still a bit pink from the cold.
They both started talking at once then, after which they both stopped, and Adam said, “You first.”
“Well, I just wanted to thank you again. For making Sophie’s Christmas so perfect. She got home from Jeff’s a little while ago and she still can’t stop talking about the reindeer. You took what could have been a heartbreaking Christmas for her and made it the most special ever.” And then she leaned in and hugged him. Not a long hug, not a passionate hug, yet enough of a hug that the warmth of it moved all through him and he wanted more when it ended.
Huh. Maybe winning her over wasn’t going to be as hard as he thought. Maybe he’d won her over with the reindeer. That hadn’t been his goal, but if it was enough to make her decide to give him another chance, he’d take it.
“I’m just glad I could do it,” he told her. “And I’m glad it took Sophie’s mind off her troubles.”
“And . . . the ornament. In my stocking. Where on earth did you find it?”
He shrugged, offered a small grin. “EBay. Is it the right one? I thought it looked right, but . . . ”
She nodded. “Identical. Pretty amazing. And it’s nice to have it back on the tree again.”
“Um, listen, I wanted to tell you about something I did this afternoon, a phone call I made—”
And just then, Edna stepped up to say, “Sue Ann, your little girl claims you had a reindeer at your house this mornin’ and that you got the pictures to prove it. Now, a regular deer, yep, that I can buy, but I’m gonna have to see it to believe Santa Claus dropped off a reindeer in your yard.”
Clearly distracted by Edna, Sue Ann smiled at the old woman and said, “It’s true. It was a real reindeer. And it just so happens my digital camera is in my purse, so I can show you right now.”
And then Edna had Sue Ann by the arm, whisking her away, and Sue Ann waved to him as she was dragged off.
Damn it, Edna—what timing. Yet he held back the small growl of frustration he wanted to let out, because it would take more than this to kill his renewed Christmas spirit—or his plan. And as the carolers burst into “Up on the Housetop,” Adam decided it was time to give Sophie her next surprise—and hope like hell Sue Ann would be okay with it. It was probably a little presumptuous of him, but when he’d called Amy to ask her opinion while on his way to pick up passengers for the party, she’d claimed she had insider information that made her think it was a great idea.
Spotting her now, talking with Tessa Sheridan and Lucky Romo near the Christmas tree, he motioned her over and she broke away to head in his direction. “What’s up?” she asked with her usual friendly smile.
“I’m ready to put Operation Dickens into action,” he said.
“Heard about Sophie’s special Christmas present.”
Sue Ann turned away from her current conversation with Lettie Gale and LeeAnn Turner to find her beloved mother standing before her grinning like a Cheshire cat. “And I heard you were sneaking around my house in the middle of the night,” Sue Ann said pointedly. “That’s not like you.” Her mom didn’t have a sneaky bone in her body. Or at least Sue Ann hadn’t thought so.
“Well, I didn’t want to spoil Adam’s surprise.”
“It was for Sophie, not me. The both of you could have filled me in.”
“Part of it was for you, too,” her mother said knowingly, and of course Sue Ann was well aware of that, but she’d been trying to be practical and not think about that aspect of things.
Now, she couldn’t even summon a reply for her mother.
But apparently she didn’t have to, since her mom kept going. “Adam’s a good man,” she said.
Oh boy, here we go. “I know he is,” she replied dryly.
“And though he never exactly said so, I think it’s very clear that he’s quite taken with you.”
Why did that make Sue Ann’s breath catch? Perhaps because it hadn’t been said out loud too many times? Maybe that made it feel more real. “Mom,” she finally said, “it’s just . . . awfully soon, you know?”
And to her surprise, her usually conservative, cautious mother just shrugged. “We can’t always pick when things happen, dear. Sometimes we just have to go with the flow.”
It sounded to her like an abbreviated version of the lecture Amy had given her today. And maybe this was the universe’s way of trying to tell her something.
But she just wasn’t sure she was ready to hear it.
In fact, she was starting to get tired of everyone pushing her toward Adam. First Jenny, then Amy, now even her own mom? She was tired of feeling so torn, so pulled apart over it. She’d made the decision to part ways with him that night in front of the fireplace. And reindeer or not, ornament or not . . . none of it was enough to make her believe she should give her heart to someone again this soon. Even Adam. Maybe especially Adam.
Because it had turned out he was pretty damn wonderful. Except for the fact that he’d already managed to hurt her. And she’d already had enough of wonderful men who ended up hurting her. Maybe she should just be thankful Adam had done it so quickly.
Ten minutes after sneaking away from the party, Adam and Amy left Under the Covers, Amy turning out the lights and locking up behind her. Adam carried Dickens in his coat pocket to keep him warm, and despite Amy’s warnings that he was full of mischief, the kitten seemed fairly content there, at least so far. Together, they made the return trip across the Destiny town square in the falling snow and back into the bustling party.
All he’d told Amy was that he wanted to make Sophie’s Christmas complete by giving her the kitten and that he hoped he could win Sue Ann over to the idea. Seeing how happy the visit from “Dancer” had made Sophie had reminded him how attached his boys had gotten to Pepper, and that having a pet to love and focus on during the divorce had been a source of comfort to them. And he thought maybe after this morning, Sue Ann would see the logic in that, too.
Of course, that wasn’t his whole plan. First, he would fill her in on his talk with Jeff’s attorney today, who’d fortunately agreed to take his call on a holiday. And then . . . he was going to tell Sue Ann he was in love with her, and that he was sorry, and then just hope like hell she’d be willing to look past his mistake. He was just gonna go for it. Because he had to. Because his soul was telling him to. And the thing was—his soul hadn’t told him to do too many things in life; he wasn’t a guy who often sat around thinking about his soul, let alone feeling it. But it was driving him to do this, and surely that meant something.
As he and Amy were about to part ways, she whispered, “Good luck,” and he scanned the room.
He found Sophie playing with some other kids near the Christmas tree, and Sue Ann stood chatting with Jenny and Tessa—but as luck would have it, she started walking away from her friends then, toward the bathroom.
Reaching down to pull his pocket open and glance inside, he said to the gray kitten hiding there, “Get ready, we’re on. We play this right and you get a new home and I get a new girl.”
“Meow,” the cat said in return, and Adam let go of his pocket and strode ahead, boldly meeting up with Sue Ann—even blocking her path.
“Hey,” he said, “do you have a minute?”
She looked slightly taken aback, but stopped. “Um, sure. What’s up?”
Okay, this was it. Even in the busy room, they stood relatively alone. And it suddenly hit him that maybe he should have figured out what he was going to say, since he didn’t have a clue—but a lot of good things had happened naturally with Sue Ann, without a plan, so maybe this part should, too. No masks, no disguises, just being real.
“Okay, first things first. Today I called Jeff’s lawyer. And I explained to him that Jeff and I aren’t all that close anymore and that I wasn’t particularly in favor of his petition and that my testimony might ultimately do more t
o hurt his case than help it. And magically enough, he thanked me for filling him in and decided not to subpoena me after all.”
He watched as her jaw dropped, her eyes growing large and round. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“Oh Adam, that’s great. Thank you! Wow—I can’t believe it was that simple.”
“Me neither. But I got to thinking about it, and since all that’s true, I figured filling the guy in might change his tune, and it did. I’m just sorry I didn’t think of it before now. But I think I felt extra motivated after seeing you this morning.”
Still smiling at him, she just blinked and said, “What do you mean?”
Okay, here we go—the moment of truth.
“Sue Ann, when we first got together, it was as big a surprise to me as it was to you. But now it seems like it was . . . destiny. Like fate slapping us in the face, telling us to open our eyes and pay attention to what’s right in front of us. Because I couldn’t have dreamed then how much I would care about you now, and yet at the same time, I’ve always cared about you, you know? You’ve always been a part of my life, and I guess that’s what’s made this change in our relationship come so fast, so naturally. And I know you’re angry with me, and I understand why. And I didn’t quite get why it was such a big deal at the time, but now I do, and—”
“Stop,” she said.
It caught him off guard, made him go silent. He just looked at her. “Huh?”
Her chest rose and fell as she expelled a heavy breath, and when she met his gaze, he could see—oh God—the pain filling her eyes. And even as she kept her tone low, her words came out with a sad, futile certainty. “Adam, what you did for Sophie this morning was wonderful. And the Santa ornament was very thoughtful. And you getting out of the subpoena helps put my mind at ease. But none of that changes how I feel.”
Adam took a deep breath and looked her in the eye. “How do you feel? Exactly?” he asked. “Because you can say what you want, but I know you care about me, too. I saw it in your eyes this morning.”
She stood before him, mouth half open, blinking, and now looking . . . well, as desperate as she did sorrowful. “You want to know how I feel?” she finally said. “I feel . . . like I’m drowning.”
“Huh?” he asked, dumbfounded.
“Okay—I’ve demanded honesty from you about various things, so it’s only fair I’m completely honest, too, right? So here it is. Every time you and I are . . . intimate, I open myself up to you a little more. And . . . that scares me to death. And that’s probably why I almost always pull back afterward.”
He just peered into her eyes and wished he could make her see things the way he did. “But there’s nothing to be afraid of with me. I promise.”
“Yes, there is. So much is changing so fast in my life—it’s too much, and sometimes I feel like I can’t even catch my breath. And then you come along, and you make me feel so close to you and then you . . . ” She shook her head. “I’m just not ready for this. I’ve tried, and I can’t do it. I’m sorry.”
“But—”
“No buts,” she said, sounding firmer now, a little more in control. “In fact, we shouldn’t see each other anymore. At least as much as we can help it, living in the same town and having the same friends. And now that the holidays are almost over, it’ll be a lot easier.”
Damn, he hadn’t seen this coming. He knew he’d let her down. But maybe he hadn’t quite understood how deeply that one moment in time had affected her until this minute, and it was punctuated with the silent tear trailing down her cheek that she’d just reached up to wipe away. Hell.
It wasn’t easy to bare your heart to somebody, but he’d been doing it. He’d done it with her a few times now. Yet this time, unlike any before, she’d convinced him that it didn’t matter, that there was nothing he could do to change her mind. He’d done everything he could think of—from the heart—and it clearly wasn’t enough.
“Okay,” he finally said, a small lump rising in his throat. “I get it. I’m sorry, too, Sue Ann.” Then he turned around and walked away.
God, that stung. More than stung. It was like taking an ice pick in the heart.
His chest ached and his eyes burned, so bad that he shut them for a few seconds, opening them again only because he was heading for the door and needed to see the way—he needed to get outside, be alone for a minute before anyone noticed something was up and asked him what was wrong.
A moment later, standing out in the falling snow, he peered up into it, as if asking God for some sort of answer, some sort of reason this made sense. Maybe it was karma. But in his heart he really felt that he’d paid for his past mistakes and had grown beyond them. And now that Sue Ann had come along . . . hell, he’d been foolish enough to start believing he could truly have something special with her, something solid, something that would bring back what was missing in his life.
Only when he felt a gentle movement at his hip did he remember that he had a kitten in his pocket. Crap, he’d never even gotten to that part. Guess, for Sophie’s sake, I should have done the kitten part first.
Reaching down into his coat, he extracted the miniature cat and held him in both hands. “Let me give you some advice, dude. Don’t fall in love. All it does is screw with your head, screw with your life.”
“Meow,” the gray kitten said.
“Now I almost wish that night in the cabin had never even happened, ya know?” he said to Dickens. “I wish I’d never ended up in bed with her, never started realizing I could care for her this way, never found out I could love her this way.” He’d been a happier person not knowing that than he was now, knowing and not being able to have her.
“And as for you, buddy,” he told the kitten on a sigh, “guess you’re going back to the bookstore. Sorry I got your hopes up.”
Just then, he glimpsed a couple in the distance, rounding the corner of the building hand in hand. He remained in the shadows, keeping a low profile, still not in the mood to talk to anyone. This wasn’t like before, though—he wasn’t back to being Grinchy; he just felt depleted and . . . hell, sad.
When the couple passed under the lights above the town hall’s front door—he realized it was Jeff and Veronica. Shit.
Jeff shouldn’t have brought her here. It was Christmas, after all. And he knew Sue Ann and Sophie would both be inside, trying to have a nice time—and not wanting the recent changes in their family life shoved down everyone’s throats.
And Jeff probably hadn’t even thought about that, how coming here tonight would affect anyone else—he was probably just trying to enjoy his holiday like the rest of the people here—but Adam still thought it was in damn poor taste. Seemed the divorce truly had turned his one-time best friend into a selfish jerk. Why again had he almost felt obligated to Jeff regarding the hearing?
His first urge was to step forward, block their way, question Jeff’s judgment, and perhaps suggest he and Ronni find something else to do tonight. But then—look what he’d gotten for stepping into Sue Ann’s path a few minutes ago. He’d thought he had a handle on the situation, thought he understood it and had some idea what to expect. But he’d obviously been overconfident; he’d clearly misread that hug she’d given him earlier.
And what it came right down to was: Jeff showing up here wasn’t any of his business. He and Jeff weren’t really friends anymore if they were both honest about it. And even he and Sue Ann weren’t really anything anymore. So maybe the best move he could make was to just stay out of it.
Twenty-two
“Do you believe in me or not?”
Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol
“Are you having a nice evening, Miss Ellie?” Sue Ann shouted toward the old woman who had been Jenny’s neighbor on Blue Valley Lake for their whole lives. In her eighties, Miss Ellie was hard of hearing and sat in a chair in one corner of the room where everyone could come up and say hello.
She put a hand to her ear. “What’s that you say?”
/> “I said—are you having a good night?” Sue Ann yelled louder.
In response, Miss Ellie shook her head. “Oh, it’s awfully early to say goodnight, but if you’re leaving already, be careful out in the snow.”
Sue Ann just sighed—conversations with Miss Ellie usually went this way and you just had to roll with it. “Okey doke, I’ll be careful,” she said, more to herself than the old woman.
Then she felt a tug on her sweater and turned to find Sophie at her side, her face scrunched up. “What’s wrong, honey?” Sue Ann asked, almost recognizing the look even before Sophie replied.
“Daddy and Ronni are here.”
Damn it. Jeff had told them both, just hours ago, that they would be celebrating with Veronica’s family tonight in Crestview, and Sue Ann knew that even though Sophie had begun to accept the situation, she’d also seen this as a safe zone, a place where she wouldn’t be confronted with the fact they were no longer a family and that her father had a new wife.
And she’d put up with this for the last six months, with Jeff bringing Ronni wherever he damn well felt like it. Because it was a free country, and because she didn’t feel she had much choice but to suffer through it. And personally, she no longer even cared. Maybe she remained a little embarrassed, because their presence reminded people he’d dumped her for another woman—but otherwise, she’d finally gotten past the hurt.
To Sophie, however, it still mattered. It was one thing for her to go stay at Ronni’s house with them—she’d gotten used to that. But seeing them out, together, in the same place as Sue Ann, still upset her.
And something in Sue Ann just broke. She’d already been struggling to stuff down her feelings after her confrontation with Adam—especially since she’d been working just as hard to convince herself they shouldn’t be together as she’d been working to convince him. But this was it—the thing that ripped off the cork that had been holding her emotions inside.
