Bittersweet Surrender

by Q. B. Tyler

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  “Is there a reason you don’t feel the pull to be intimate with your husband?”

  “Ummm, migraines?”

  “Don’t be a smart-ass,” Matt says.

  “That’s all I got.” I shrug.

  The only way to get out of this is to berate him into a fight or just act so indifferent that he loses it. Do not engage him on this, Charley. Do not engage.

  “We are in marriage counseling for Pete’s sake, Charlotte. If we are trying to fix our marriage, we need to be intimate.”

  “Says who? You know tons of people believe sex is only needed for procreation.” I shrug. “And last I checked, we weren’t doing that.” Will rubs his hand over his bottom lip, and although he’s hiding it well, I can see the amusement in his eyes.

  “Don’t you have anything to say?” Matt asks, looking at Will.

  “I think you two should talk this one out.”

  “Is that what this is about? That I’m not ready for kids? So, if I was willing to start trying, I could at least see you fucking naked?”

  “First of all, that’s a low blow to try and manipulate me into bed by offering me something I want more than anything. Secondly, we are not going to have a baby to try and fix our marriage. That is the worst idea.”

  “I would have to agree with that,” Will interjects just a little too quickly.

  Relax, Montgomery. That’s not happening. The only kids I’m interested in having now would be calling you Daddy, I try to tell him with my eyes.

  “So, that’s it? We’re just never having sex? You certainly had me fooled after Wednesday.” He looks at Will and I immediately stiffen. Fuck. “She was all over me when I was leaving—”

  “All over you? Please! I hugged you goodbye and we kissed. Give me a break.”

  “We haven’t kissed like that in months.”

  “Well, I’m sorry. I was upset after Wednesday’s session,” I say, glaring at Will, daring him to get upset after the way he treated me after that. “I just wanted…to be held.”

  “And then two days later I come back and you’ve reverted to being the ice queen. I just want to know what changed. It just keeps leading me back to square one, thinking that there’s someone else.”

  I bite my bottom lip. I don’t know what else to do and I need to focus on something. “I don’t know what else to tell you.”

  “How about the truth for once?”

  I look at the man in front of me and then the man at my side. “I’m sorry that I’m not particularly up for sex. You ruined a lot of my self-esteem, you’ve shattered my confidence after months of pushing me to the side. You made me think that I wasn’t good enough, that you were bored, that the idea of sleeping with me repulsed you. That it was some arduous task to make love to me. I’m sorry that I’m not eager to jump back into bed with you now that you’ve got months of cum backed up and you need a release. I don’t work that way. And for the record, all those months that you were pushing me away, am I supposed to just believe you didn’t look elsewhere for sex? Please.”

  “I didn’t.”

  “Like you’d tell me. Matt, I saw you like seven hours a week, don’t insult my intelligence.”

  “Don’t turn this shit around on me, Charlotte. This is the first time I’m hearing of this hypothesis and now that I’ve accused you of it, now all of a sudden you think I’ve been unfaithful too?”

  “Just because I never said anything doesn’t mean I never thought it.”

  “How would that make you feel…finding out that Matthew had been unfaithful?” Will asks me and I resist the urge to tell him to back off with this line of questioning.

  “Why are we even talking about this? I’ve never been unfaithful!” he screeches. “Give me a fucking polygraph.”

  “Look, I never had any proof, it was just a theory because I never saw you. Just like you have a theory now.”

  “Whatever.”

  Okay, Charley, this might backfire but…do it. “Seriously, Matt, when I’m not with you at some god-awful work function, I’m shopping or at spin class, maybe yoga, with Lauren, or here at therapy. So, unless I’m sleeping with Dr. Montgomery, I don’t think there are any other options.”

  I don’t even chance a look at him, because I know I’ll lose it.

  “Don’t be so inappropriate, Charlotte,” Matt scoffs and I still haven’t looked at Will after my comment.

  “Don’t Charlotte me. I am so sick of hearing you question whether or not I’ve been unfaithful. If you truly think I am, then leave me! For the love of God, if I’m so horrible, why are you still here?” Ask yourself that same question, Charley.

  He narrows his eyes at me. “When did you get to be like this?”

  “I don’t know, probably somewhere around our third year of marriage,” I snap.

  “You can be such a bitch when you want to be,” Matt snaps back and I see the fire in Will’s eyes briefly before he reins in his temper.

  “You know I don’t put up with that in here,” Will interjects. “Apologize.”

  “For what?”

  “You know what.” He glares at Matt and I wonder if Will is this strict with all of his couples, or if he just hates the thought of anyone talking to me like that.

  “She’s acting like it and you know it,” Matt argues.

  “Not the point. Use different words.”

  “Fine. Sorry,” he says, and I shrug, unmoved by his half-assed apology.

  We’re silent for a second when Will finally says something. “I can’t believe after seven months you still haven’t gotten to the root of your problems.”

  “Isn’t that what we’re paying you four hundred dollars an hour for?” Matt asks.

  “I’ve tried to spoon-feed it to you, but I can’t do the work for you. I can’t have the epiphanies for you. Mr. Wells…Matt, tell me why you want to be with Charlotte.”

  I narrow my eyes, not liking where this is going. “Because I love her and we took vows. And we’ve been through a lot together. No one knows her like I do and vice versa.”

  “Does she make you happy?” Will asks, as he taps his pen against the pad.

  “Most of the time.”

  “Are you telling the truth?”

  He hesitates slightly. “Yes.”

  “Does she make you happy? Or are the good memories of the beginning of your relationship…what make you happy? Because those memories won’t keep you warm at night.”

  “She makes me happy. She’s supportive and kind and caring…she’s been there with me through so much. She was with me when I had nothing. When we had nothing.”

  “That’s called loyalty, not love, which has already been made abundantly clear that you two have for each other.”

  Not so much on my end anymore.

  “It can be both,” Matt says.

  “Yes, but they’re not synonymous.”

  He looks over at me. “What do you have to say about all of this? You’re awfully quiet.”

  “I think…I think I’m scared of what not having you in my life means. It’s been eight years and…not having you in my life seems strange. I basically became the person I am today in part based on our relationship. For all intents and purposes, we grew up together. We became adults together. But, Matt, we haven’t been happy in…what? Two years? I will take responsibility for the last several months but there was so much that happened that led me here. I got fed up, I am fed up. I’m exhausted from feeling like I’m in this marriage by myself. But at the same time…” I feel the tears building. “…at the same time, I’m terrified of leaving this marriage and…not having someone to look out for me. You’ve fought so many demons for me that I don’t…I don’t know that anyone else will understand what it is I need. I have baggage and not everyone can handle that.” I don’t look up for fear of seeing the look in Will’s eyes.

  Pity? Anger? Sadness?

  “I understand that,” Matt whispers. “But does that mean…that’s the

only reason you want to stay married?”

  This is it…my out. Take it, Charley. “I just don’t think…my feelings for you are enough to stay married.”

  I see the tears in his eyes before he clears his throat. “Do you want out?”

  I bite my lip and realize this isn’t a conversation I can have with Will in the room. “Can we talk about this at home?” I see Will’s flash of confusion though he quickly recovers.

  “Why wouldn’t we talk about this here with Dr. Montgomery?” Matt asks, and I sigh at his logic. Of course, that makes sense if I’m not thinking about leaving you for him.

  “I just…” I sigh, unable to find the words as the sound of Matt’s phone ringing breaks the silence.

  I look at his chest pocket, toward the source of the ringing. The small object that has caused such a rift in our marriage. The item that controls his every move. “Just answer it,” I say, shaking my head. “You know you need to.”

  He pulls his phone out, looking at me and then the phone and then me again. “Five minutes,” he says getting up.

  I have to admit, it never gets easier realizing that I will always come second. It’s a bitter pill, even if I’m sleeping with someone else. This is such a precarious time in our marriage, you’d think for once he would choose me. The fact that he still doesn’t think of turning his phone off while we’re in therapy speaks volumes.

  Then he’s out of the room, and the door closes behind him.

  “Baby,” I hear his soft voice in the quiet room and I look up at him, the tears threatening to spill from my eyes, “please don’t cry. I can’t touch you right now.”

  “What…what was that earlier?”

  “I was angry… I had told you I loved you and then you just hung up on me. I know it was poor timing, but it hurt. And then you showed up here, which…I loved. But then, I didn’t have enough time with you. And then Lauren called and…” He takes off his glasses and rubs his hand over his face before putting them back on. “I made a mistake treating you like that. I’m sorry.” I nod and he looks at me harder. “Are you going to tell him you want out?”

  I look up and shake my head. “You’ve got to stop pressuring me. I’m ending my marriage, it’s not that simple. I’ve known him almost a decade. I owe him the conversation even if he hasn’t been the best husband. A conversation I can’t have in front of you.”

  “Are you? Ending your marriage?”

  I look down at my engagement and wedding rings and begin to fiddle with them. “Yes.”

  “That’s all I needed to know.” He shoots me a soft smile. “This is the first time you’ve said that.”

  “I want to be with you,” I whisper.

  “I want to be with you too.”

  * * *

  THE REST OF THE SESSION crawls by at a snail’s pace, Matt pressuring me to open up, and Will doing his best to keep Matt in check and the spotlight off me. All I wanted to do upon leaving is go home and climb into bed alone so I can have phone sex with Will. I need to get off and I need some connection with him to get me there, but it seems the gods are not in my favor as Matt trails into the house behind me.

  “We need to be out of the house by six,” Matt says as we make our way through the foyer of our home. These are the first words he’s spoken since we left Dr. Montgomery’s office and I don’t miss the edge in his voice.

  My eyes widen as I realize I have somewhere to be tonight, which will throw a wrench in my plan for phone sex. “What?”

  “We have plans with Bree and Nathan? Remember? We are trying that new Mediterranean restaurant?”

  My stomach growls immediately. Goddammit I’ve been dying to eat there. “Right. Sorry it just slipped my mind. I’ll be ready.” Maybe this is just what I need. A night out. I can talk to Bree about mindless shit while my husband talks to Nathan and it’ll be fine.

  As I put on my favorite piece of jewelry, my Cartier watch—a wedding gift from Matthew—I finger it gently, recalling that day. I was so blissfully happy I don’t think I stopped smiling the entire day. I was marrying the love of my life and I was ecstatic. I close my eyes and I feel like I’m transported back to a simpler time.

  Maybe God will grant me a do-over. I can go back and not marry Matthew and then I don’t have to hurt him.

  I know I’ve become quite selfish but I wasn’t always like this, and sadly, I don’t even know the person looking back at me when I look in the mirror—when I can even look myself in the eye. I pull my hair, tightening the messy, high ponytail, the tips ghosting over my shoulders. I walk out of the bathroom to see Matt sliding on his jacket. He frowns slightly as he takes in my appearance. “That’s what you’re wearing?”

  I look down and then back up. “Yes? I… Is there a problem?”

  “We aren’t going out to a bar, Charlotte.”

  “It’s a jumpsuit.”

  “Where’s the rest of it?”

  I look down at the endless black material around my body. “It’s a cropped pant!”

  “There’s no straps!” I look down to my chest, that’s completely covered by the fabric going straight across hiding any potential cleavage. It’s a strapless jumpsuit. Give me a break, Matt.

  “So?”

  He shakes his head before walking by me without another glance. “Whatever.”

  I look at my closet, wondering if I should change, but roll my eyes instead. Fuck that. I send Will a text, telling him I’ll be out for a while and that I will text him when I can, before heading downstairs.

  “Okay, I’m ready.”

  He looks at me again. “Wait, so you’re not going to change?”

  “No, Matt, I look fine. What is your problem?” Better than fine actually.

  “Just wish you were looking a bit more conservative. What if we run into people from work?”

  “I would never wear this if we were meeting people from your job, but we’re having dinner with Bree and Nathan. I toe the line when it’s necessary but give me a break,” I say, crossing my arms.

  “Let’s just go,” he says walking out of the house in front of me and toward the car. I sigh as I lock the door behind us and pray to the gods for an endless supply of wine.

  “You look gorgeous!” Bree Cunningham says as we approach the table. She hugs me for a second too long and I almost break down feeling someone squeeze me that hard and tell me that I look nice. “I’ve missed you. Let’s do something soon, okay?”

  I nod. “You look great too, Bree.” Nathan pulls me into a hug before kissing my cheek.

  “Hey, Char.” I always wonder what Matt divulges to Nathan. If he paints me in this horrible light. If I am the bitchy, nagging wife that doesn’t suck his dick anymore. But if he does I would never know it, because Nathan is always such a gentleman.

  We sit around the half-circle booth, Bree and I in the middle, while Matt and Nathan sit on the sides. I’m grateful for the wine that’s already on the table so I reach for it, but Matt’s hand stops me. When I look up, he’s shooting me a look I’ve been on the receiving end of many times; that look of irritation that tells me I need to knock it off.

  “I’m with Charley, let’s crack it open. It’s been a hell of a day,” Nathan says as he rubs his head and points at the bottle. “The chef is sending over everything, so we don’t need to order. Apparently, this wine is the best on the menu.”

  I glare at Matt before passing the bottle over. “So, how’s it going?” Nathan asks, observing the tension between Matthew and me and obviously trying to defuse it. Bless his heart.

  “Good,” Matt says immediately, “I finally closed that deal at work.”

  My lips form a straight line that he jumps at any opportunity to talk about work even though the conversation was directed at both of us.

  “And how are you?” Bree asks me as the guys continue to talk.

  I’m grateful for the wine that’s been placed in front of me and I take a long sip. “I’m okay, Bree. Thank you for asking.” I look at my lap willing this night to be over so I can talk to a man who cares about what I have to say or a woman that I don’t have to lie to.

  People that love me for me and not the front I put up. As sweet as Bree is, I can’t be honest with her, which makes talking to her just as tedious at times.

  An hour and three bottles of wine later, Matt switches to Manhattans and I realize he’s barreling toward intoxication. I’m feeling buzzed myself, and I wish I would have suggested to Matt that we Uber to the restaurant, as I know we’ll end up leaving our car here later. I’ve started to loosen up slightly and I’ve even laughed a few times. I see Matt putting a freshly filled glass to his lips and I pull it away from his mouth before he takes a sip. “Maybe you should slow down?” I ask quietly.

  “Oh, come on, we’re amongst our friends.”

  “Yeah, come on, C. Let him cut loose like we used to before Matt went and got that big fancy job and couldn’t hang anymore,” Nathan says.

  Ah, so it’s not just me that got pushed to the wayside, then?

  I shake my head as I see Matt shoot Nathan his middle finger. “Oh shit!” he chuckles and I look at him, surprised by his outburst. “It’s our marriage counselor,” he chuckles.

  Adrenaline courses through me at his words, and my body hums in anticipation. Calm the fuck down, Charley, he can’t fuck you here. “Oh, and he’s got a woman with him! Good for him. I was wondering his situation.” He shrugs while I begin to burn with rage.

  That can’t be right. That cannot be fucking right.

  “Should we go say hi?” I ask. Yeah, I’m playing with fire but I want to know what the fuck this is about. I’m trying to control my thoughts that have me barreling toward rabid fury, but he’s sitting at a table with two women and another man. A double date? What the fuck?

  “Interrupt his date?”

  “It may not be a date,” I counter, annoyed that Matt has picked up the same vibes.

  “Two girls and two guys? Looks like a date to me, but sure, come on, let’s go chat,” he says, sliding out of the booth and not bothering to wait for me before he heads toward the table.

  Shit, he is drunk. I’m not far behind him. Before he reaches the table, Will’s eyes find mine and widen. I see him prepare himself for the explosion heading his way.

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