Collected Fictions

by Gordon Lish

  The girl had her head leant well away from the man.

  Something in a pot was gently heating heating hotly on the stove. They sat at the table, those who were sitting. The man understood he must tell of all this when he had been restored to his own country, and that, when he told, he would say the table had been a refectory table and that the devout could be heard in testimony of their devotions from the world next door and that somewhere elsewhere too far away for anyone to summon the strength for him to see it there was an ember glowing, there was an ember smoldering, as Pomeranian after Pomeranian prepared to sever into parts the gooey domain of the great éclair.

  Why did the word chestnut keep occurring to the man? And vastation, not vastitude?

  It was cold, or cool, for the season.

  But didn't this all depend upon where it was the season was seasoning? Oh, seasoning, seasoning—the man rather liked such effects, and understood them to constitute the profit of his touring among the humble of the earth. Then there was the girl, the gigantic sighing child, and her even larger no less innocent friends—colleagues, the tiny-toothed thing had called them, and yes, yes, so they were and would be, colleagues, the lot of them, colleagues all in all of this amazing romance.

  The man caught sight of the flame.

  Or was it where the light caught the knife?

  Let me correct that.

  Meant where knife knife caught light light.

  "To iridescence!" the man shrieked—or did I somewhere elsewhere, wherever it was, use this word already?—and looked about himself at the notice such aptitude seemed to provoke in these colleagues of his.

  No, tenderness.

  This was the one word—this one, this!

  Tendresse.

  Yes, they would do it, wouldn't they?—these colleagues all about him. No, confederates—may we not say, as the man himself must come to say, confederates? Oh, but of course confederates, and would they not in due course do it with nothing less than with—yes, yes!—than with the customary—nay, celebrated—expression of Pomeranian tendresse?

  THE TEST

  TOMMY IS HERE, HELLO, TOMMY. Does Tommy want to play? Where is Timmy? Is Timmy in the yard? Yes, there's Timmy. Timmy is in the yard. Is Bobby here? Is Andy here? What about Lew? Where is Lew? The other boys, they are not here yet. Bobby and Andy and Lew, those boys are not here yet. But Tommy is. Hello, Timmy. Hello, Tommy. Did Tommy come to play? Yes, Tommy came to play. Okay, Tommy, ask Mother for something for you to play with. Ma'am, may I have something for me to play with? Yes, Tommy, here is what Timmy has. Oh yes, I want what Timmy has. Do you know what this is? This is a spork, Tommy. What is a spork? Who can say what a spork is? I can, I can. A spork is half a spoon and half a fork. Do you know what this spork is made out of? Who can say what this spork is made out of? This spork is made out of plastic. Can you say plastic? Say plastic. A spork is half a spoon and half a fork and this spork is made out of plastic. My mother doesn't call it that. My mother calls that a foon. What did you say, Tommy? Did Tommy say his mother calls a spork a foon? Why on earth does Tommy's mother call a spork a foon, Tommy? I don't know, missus, I don't know. Very well, boys—play nicely while I start the sandwiches cut in quarters with the crusts cut off and make the chocolate milk. Oh, look—here is another boy, here is Bobby. Hello, Bobby. Here is a spork for you too, Bobby. Go and play with Timmy and Tommy, Bobby. Are Timmy and Tommy in the yard? Yes, Bobby, Timmy and Tommy are in the yard. See the thing Timmy started killing before Tommy got here? Timmy knocked it off a leaf. Timmy used his spork to knock the thing off the leaf the thing was creeping, creeping, creeping on. Timmy has a nail he went and got from the garage. But Timmy used the spork Mother gave for the job of knocking the thing off the leaf before Tommy got here. Can you remember the job? What was the job? The job was knocking the thing off the leaf the thing was creeping, creeping, creeping on. Can you say creeping, creeping, creeping on? Try saying creeping, creeping, creeping on. Raise your hand if you can say creeping, creeping, creeping on. Oh, look what happened when Timmy knocked the thing off the leaf it was creeping, creeping, creeping on. It's in the dirt, it's in the dirt! Is the thing creeping down in the dirt? Oh, look at the thing creeping down in the dirt. Where oh where could the thing think it is creeping down in the dirt to? Do you know where the thing thinks it is creeping down in the dirt to? Look, everybody, Timmy is getting it with his nail. But what about Tommy? Oh, Tommy is doing what Timmy is doing, only Tommy only has a spork. Timmy has a nail and Timmy has a spork. But Tommy only has a spork. What does Tommy only have? Tommy only has a spork. See the boys stick the thing with their things? The boys are sticking the thing with their things. But Tommy started sticking it after Timmy started sticking it and Tommy only sticks it the same way Timmy sticks it and Tommy can only stick it only with a spork. If Timmy sticks it this way, then Tommy sticks it this way. If Timmy sticks it that way, then Tommy sticks it that way. Only Tommy can only stick it with a spork. But Bobby, how about Bobby? Is Bobby doing anything at all? What is Bobby doing? Oh, I know, I know. Bobby is talking to himself in his mind. Bobby is saying things to himself in his mind. Bobby is getting ready for him to say something about something. The way Bobby gets ready for him to say something about something is for Bobby first to say it over and over again in his mind. So what is Bobby doing? Can you say what Bobby is doing? Bobby is getting ready for him to say something by practicing saying something over and over again in his mind. Bobby really wants to say things. But Bobby has to get them all set first in his mind. Look, everybody, look! See the thing? Oh, it has lots of colored dots on it and there is stuff all coming out. Who can see the colored dots on it and the stuff all coming out? Ooey, ooey, it's on my spork. Is it on your spork? Ooey, ooey, it got all over my spork. Wait, everybody, wait! Tommy has it all over his spork. Stick out your spork, Bobby. I don't want to stick out my spork. Oh, come on, Bobby, stick out your spork. No. Big baby. Am not, am not! If you're not a baby, then stick out your spork. I don't have to. What a big baby! Stick out your own spork. Oh fuck, what a big baby! I'm telling, I'm telling. Go tell. Who gives a shit if you go tell? Can't we just play? Jesus, fuck, what a big fucking baby! How come you came? Nobody asked you to come. Big stinking fucking baby can't even stick out his spork. Can't make me, can't make me. Who can't make you? You want to see us make you? Wait, wait, the thing, the thing—is the thing getting away? No, no, the thing is not getting away. How could the thing get away? Does anything ever get away? Not one thing in the world ever gets away. Isn't Timmy watching it? Timmy is watching it. Timmy is guarding it. Do you know the word guard? Say the word guard. Let me hear you say the word guard. I love getting it with a spork. This is the best, getting things with a spork. This is how you can really get things with something. Try it like this. Try it with a nail and spork both. This is the best, a nail and a spork both. Now it's bent in two different ways. It's bent up at one dot and bent around at another dot. You know why this is? Who can say why this is? Raise your hand if you can say why this is. It's because it's been getting stuck in its dots. Hey, stick it all of the way down so it's stuck right down through it into the dirt. Oh, hooray, hooray! Now Bobby knows something he can get ready to say. Suppose we listen. Everybody, everybody, shall we listen to Bobby's mind so we can hear what Bobby is trying to get ready to say? Fellas, fellas, what about we roll him over and see if he's got any of those darn dots of his anywhere on his tummy too. Okay, here is Bobby trying it another way. Guys, guys, let's roll him over and see what the deal is with him underneath. That was Bobby. That was Bobby in his mind getting ready for him to have something to say. Now here's Bobby being Timmy and Tommy in Bobby's mind. A-hole. You hear the a-hole say tummy? Up yours, a-hole. What an a-hole—tummy. Go home, you fucking tummy a-hole jerk. Bobby is such a fucking tummy a-hole jerk. Hey, you fucking tummy a-hole jerk, how would you like it if we take down your pants and look at what's on you underneath? Bobby's hand feels all sticky to him. Do you remember which boy's hand feels all sticky to him? Bobby,
it's Bobby, it's Bobby's hand. Bobby is the boy whose hand feels all sticky to him. Mother gets out the meat. Mother gets out the bread. Mother gets out a tiny bottle with white stuff in it. Oh, but wait, wait. Where is the ketchup? Where is the mustard? Where in the name of all that is holy is that fucking jar that had that last little fucking bit of fucking bit of fucking mayo in it? Shall we listen for another little while to what is going on inside of Mother's mind? Songs, there are songs, it is almost all songs that Mother is singing to herself inside of Mother's mind—such as willow, tit willow, that's one. Such as the flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la. And ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found thee. And here comes the one that goes come, come, I love you only, O come, come to me. That's the last one, that's the last. Let's see if you can remember them all. It is time to see if you remember them all. First, what's first? Willow, tit willow. Second, what's second? The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la. And next, say next? Ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found thee. And last, last? Come, come, I love you only, O come, come to me. But what about the boys, the boys? Has Andy come yet? Has Lew? Who has come to Timmy's yard to play so far? Can you say who has come to Timmy's yard for them to play so far? Wait, wait, here is Andy. Hi, Andy. Hi, missus. Is Lew with you, Andy? Did you say Lew? Is Lew coming over? Really Lew? All in due course, Andy, all in due course. May I go play with Timmy, please? Why of course, Andy, of course. Take this spork and go look in the yard. Tommy's here. So is Bobby. All we need now is Lew. Be careful with your spork. Will you be careful with your spork? Tell the boys for them to be careful not to poke their eyes or anything. Can you do that for me, Andy? Yes, missus, I will. Oh, that's a good boy, Andy. Have a nice time playing. These sandwiches will all be ready for all of you in just a jiffy. O the flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la. O the flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la. Can you wait for Lew? I can't wait for Lew. Everybody, hey, everybody, say Lew! Hey, Andy. Hi, Timmy. Hi, Tommy. Hi, Bobby. Hey, what are you guys doing? You're not hurting that, are you? Don't hurt that. Let's just dig, okay? Let's play a game of digging, okay? Uh-oh, listen, it's Bobby in his mind. I'm turning the cocksucker over. Get out of the fucking way, you a-holes, I'm turning the cocksucker over. Scram, you darn cocksucking sons of darn bitches, I'm flipping the cocksucking sonofabitch over. Look how gooey my spork is, Timmy. You see how gooey my spork is, Timmy? Who has the gooiest spork, Timmy? Tisk, tisk, did you hear that, everybody? Shame on Tommy saying gooiest. All right, everybody, everybody all together now—shame, shame on Tommy for Tommy saying gooiest. Hey, Timmy, what are you rolling it over for? Did everybody see Timmy roll it over? Willow, tit willow. Meat. Bread. A little bit of this and a little bit of that. Then get the crusts all cut off. Then cut it all in quarters. Oh shit, it's all upside-down now and look at your spork. Missus, can I have a new spork? I'm busy, Tommy. Missus, I need another spork. Now, now, Tommy, didn't I give you a perfectly good spork to begin with? Look at it, missus, please. Now, now, Tommy—is Tommy going to cry? Oh, Tommy, can't you see I am busy making everybody lunch? You go back outside and just be patient. Can't I have that spork? How come I can't have that spork? Oh, Tommy, I am so disappointed in you. That spork is going to be Lew's spork. That spork's Lew's. Oh, missus, mine is all icky, icky, icky. Tommy, Tommy, am I going to have to send you home? Don't you see how nicely the other boys are all playing? Don't you want chocolate milk? Give me this one and Lew can have mine. Why can't Lew have mine? Oh, Tommy, I am so disappointed. How could you be such a disappointment to me? Don't you see how you're wrecking everything? Now look, now look, it sounds like Lew is coming. Is Lew here? Lew, is that you? How come Lew does not answer? Does Lew not know how to answer? Answer, Lew, answer! Here is what Bobby is getting ready to say. Let's listen to what Bobby is getting ready to say. Let's get something else. Squoosh it, squoosh it—then we'll go get something else. Oh, its back, look at its back! Its back is all bent crazy. See how crazy its back is bent? That's from the sporks. Do you know what else it's from? It's also from the nail. Its back is all bent all crazy like that from Timmy and Tommy sticking it in its back with sporks and with a nail. Were we watching when they did it? We were not watching when they did it. But they did it anyway. Did you hear what Andy just said? I'm hungry. Let's play a game of digging a little bit. We could play a game of digging a little bit and then by then we could eat. Get out the chocolate syrup, get out the milk. Ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found thee. O come, come, I love you only, come, come to me. And Bobby, what about him? Bobby's getting ready. Do you hear Bobby getting ready? Let's get Andy, let's get Andy! We're all going to jump you and get you and really do something to you, Andy, if you don't give me your spork. Andy, I'm telling them they better jump you and smash you and beat the shit out of you if you don't give me your spork. Oh, hi, Lew! Yeah, hi, Lew! Did Mother give you a spork? Take a look at what we got over here. You see this, you see this? Get me that fucking rock! Oh, Lew, see how you can dig with a spork? We are going to play a game of digging with our sporks. Who wants to be captain? How about you, Lew? Do you want to be the captain? We were just waiting for you to be captain. Let's review. Shall we review? There is Timmy and there is Tommy and there is Bobby and Andy and who? Who is the last boy? Is it Lew? Yes, yes, the last boy is Lew. It is Lew who is littlest and last—so this would be one of the reasons among all the unrevealed reasons for us to watch out for Lew. Because Lew is littlest and last. Go get me that fucking rock! Could I borrow your spork, Lew, could I? Ass-wipe! Bunch of sissy ass-wipes! Take this plastic shit and get me the fucking rock! Come, come, I love you only, come, come to me. Who wants to see how gooey it can get? You want to see how gooey it can get? Look at them. See them things with them wings over there? And ants. Hey, how about we let us get some ants? Let's spork the shit out of a whole bunch of ants! The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la, the flowers that bloom in the spring. Can't count any dots now, can you? Hand me the nail. It's my nail. Give me the nail. It's my yard and my nail. Can't we just play digging? Selfish little prick. I'll give it back. Give it here for a sec and I'll give it right back. It's his, it's his. Shut your face. Make him shut his face, Lew. Lew, I'd like to see you make him do it, Lew. Shut his yap for him. Shut his hole. Shut your hole! Willow, tit willow. Oh, everybody, look—here comes Mother with everything on a platter all ready for everybody to eat. Dive in, boys. Get ready to dive in. Ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found thee. Ah, I know at last the secret of it all. Guys, guys, there is this great idea I've got which I have been thinking about. Hey, guys, no kidding around—don't you guys want to hear this great idea? It's spork-collection time. Mother, Mother, collecting all sporks! Each boy will wipe off his spork on his sandwich, face me and drop his spork at his feet. Stick the bitch, stick her! No, no, stick anything instead. What instead? There's never any instead. Come, come, I love you only, come, come to me. Answer me, answer me. Isn't answerability everything, Lew? Everybody, everybody, tell Lew. Is not answerability not the very thing of everything, Lew? Ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found thee. Foon the bitch before she sporks us all to hell. But she did not have to. Mother did not have to. Remember the white stuff? Oh, come on, don't say you don't remember the white stuff! All right, here's a new one. Is a spork a foon, or a foon a spork? Raise your hand if you need extra help. A spork is not a foon because a foon is what? Gee willikers, class, see the white stuff go to work on them all? Anybody, anybody, come take a seat down in front if you cannot see the secret of it all.

  MAN ON THE GO

  I DON'T KNOW, YOU FIGURE IT OUT. All I know is I am not a spiteful person. At least not to my own mind I am not. A spiteful person, that is. Or maybe spiteful is not the exact idea of the thing. Maybe mean is closer to the idea of the thing as far as the spirit of it goes. Besides, why would I want to be mean to my wife? She was as nice a person as anybody could ask for. Which is another thing. Why would God come take her away from me when she was such a nice person? Go ahead and answer me that one, if you please. A
nyway, it's all totally confusing to me, God's behavior as far as this thing goes. The point is, the wife's gone, is the thing, and I am where? I am here, is where I am. I am right here in the same place which the two of us used to be in, except now I am in it alone with just me and the washing machine and the other things, okay? Hey, it's a terrific washing machine. I am not for one minute saying it's not. The wife picked it out and nobody could take care of a job like picking something out better than the wife could. The wife was a whiz at all of that. She'd get these pamphlet things and these booklet things the companies put out and all night from night to night the wife would read up on it all about it and then she'd make what is known in the trade as the decision of an informed consumer. I'm telling you, the wife knew her onions forwards and backwards when it came to your home appliances. And the washing machine, I would have to say this washing machine was one of the wife's more outstanding selections. Talk about your service. This thing really comes across with the service. It's got the stamina and it's got the endurance. Hell, it's got performance up the wazoo, is what it's got, and that's no joke. Hey, who hasn't been wised up as to how these companies are always sitting there where they make these things like washing machines making them so there's down inside them like this death thing which they've built into them so the thing will just all of a sudden go ahead and rear up on you when it's been told and crap the hell out on you and leave you high and dry? I know the deal. You know the deal. Who doesn't know the deal is to get everybody to dig down in their wallet and go get themselves a new one to come in there and take the place of the dead one? Please, let us not kid ourselves as to what the score really is, even if, speaking economy-wise, they say it is all in the end for the best as far as it being in the best interests of everybody in the end, speaking consumer-wise as far as the economy. Fine. I am not arguing against it. I am not setting myself up as any expert against it. All I am saying is you couldn't pin a thing about anything like that on this baby which the wife got. It's a pip. You know what a pip is? It's a pip, which you can take my word for it, is the exception which broke the rule. And don't think I don't know it would probably be a hex on it for me to tell you how old this honey is. It would knock you right back on your heels for you to hear how many a year this honey has been operating for this household without a hitch as far as what is referred to as your daily operation—up until, fuck it, damn it, this morning. Which brings me back to spiteful—am I spiteful, or full of spite? Unless the crux of the thing is meanness which is at the bottom of it. Because what happens this morning is the fucking thing this morning, it starts screeching all over on me, wobbling and squealing and smoking and carrying on like the fucking thing is going to go totally nuts on me. I am serious. Hey, there is this, Jesus Christ, there's this, you call it, a catastrophe which is commencing to blow up the fuck all over on me. I'm telling you, all hell is busting loose. Shit, I as the sole resident in charge did not know if I am supposed to phone the people who run the insane asylum or the firemen. The thing is just going into its what the brochure has got the gall to stand there and tell you is its agitation cycle, when goodbye and good luck, it's fucking all of a sudden like sobbing out its heart at you and everything. I go fill this bucket and hit the thing with this broomstick I got to get the switch on it switched off. Hey, I was scared out of my fucking mind, let me tell you. Look at me, look at me, I am trembling from stem to stern, if you really want to know what was going on on the premises here. Shit, I am standing there waiting for the thing to come get me, is how I honestly as a human being felt in the situation. Okay, I overloaded it, case closed. I am not going to sit here and try to prevaricate to anybody about it. One thing about my nature, it's the truest thing about my nature, don't expect to ever catch me going around shying away from the facts and shirking them like your average man on the street does. Believe you me, one thing I am not like is like the Lord sitting up there and going ahead and taking a person's wife away from them and then, when they get their nerve worked up and ask Him about it, He stands there and hands them all this bullshit from the bible and so on. I come clean with people. If it's a bitter pill, I am the first one to walk right up to it and swallow it. I don't flinch. I don't look for excuses. I face the music and take my medicine. This is why I am so completely prepared to sit down and go over it with you and let the facts come out where there is no help for it but that they have to, whereas meanwhile the fucking chips can fucking fall where they may. To come totally clean with you, this is where individuals such as you and me have to take ourselves in hand and go over the idea of am I spiteful as a human being or mean. Because overloading the thing, because not under any circumstances ever overloading the thing, because take it or leave it, this was the wife's first and last word on the subject of the washing machine. Well, okay, you hear me not admitting it? I overloaded. As far as the various trials and tribulations, sue me, I overloaded. Hey, the wife was hardly in her grave when, go know, I could not as far as the facts stop myself from overloading. This is where the whole policy of me always sticking the broomstick next to the washing machine comes in. For tamping. For ramming. For getting the stuff packed in. Oh, the wife was always saying you overload, you overtax. This is what the wife used to say. The wife used to say not only do you overtax, not only are you overtaxing, but you as the consumer are opening the floodgates for scum to come up in there and build up in the pipes on you and wreck the whole fucking deal. This was one of the biggest things with the wife—start with the right appliance and treat it right right from the start. Otherwise, you get scum. Otherwise, scum starts rushing in at you through the floodgates and it goes and gets itself set up against you and then, buddy boy, then you got trouble. So be it. I went ahead and did it—so, hey, it went ahead and did it, didn't it? Oh, it's one thing for you to be all set with a bucket. I was all set to swing into action with the bucket. But forget it. The thing quit making all that rumpus when I got it with the broomstick and cut it off. No question about it, there's enough smoke out there for you to choke a horse out there, but we can relax about getting the firemen or the cops to come over or anybody from the loony bin. The flames and all that, it all, as far as one of your emergencies which gets out of control, it's all blown over as far as that. Tell you what. You want to know what? Because it could be it's high time I quit working the toilet handle so hard too. Don't worry, the wife didn't not give me all the lowdown you could use as far as that topic itself. Hand to God, she warned me, didn't she? The wife said things can't take a thing like that. The wife said the thing with people is them always putting too much rough stuff on things. Her philosophy was take care of them. Her philosophy was respect them. Her philosophy was use your natural intelligence on them when you have to go and deal with them and no, nobody in your house will be sorry and neither will the household budget. Easy does it was the by-word of the wife. That was it in a nutshell—easy does it, darn it, Gordo. The thing is, I was squinching too much stuff down in it, wasn't I? That's the whole story as far as the long and short of it, squonking too much down. Fuck it. I am probably moving out. They've got these laundries where you can go, don't you know. Since when does a man on the go need anything like a whole washing machine just for himself? And what's so wrong with a public toilet, I'd like to know? Tell me what is so unhuman and horrible as far as your public toilet in America? Sure, no one is stopping me from calling the toilet and washing machine companies for me to see what the bastards have to say. But won't they just stand there and ask me what the piss is wrong with me, didn't you never learn for you not to go back on your wife? Hell, when don't you know what people are going to say to you before the son of a bitches say it? Am I interested in these companies? I am not interested in those companies. I am all for America and I am all for the economy, but those dirty rats just want to say what they want to say behind your fucking back. Name me anybody which just can't wait to think the worst. You couldn't do it, could you? Do I as a customer have to sit here and live the rest of my life taking all that guff off all of
them bums like that? Hey, you can count on it, I am definitely moving the first chance I get. Get out of here, is the thing. One thing I might take, maybe the one fucking thing I might take, it's probably going to be the broomstick in case the Lord makes me have to keep on dealing with any more of your average people. Or does a thing like saying this sound to you like the individual which said it is crawling all over with spiteful intentions? Big deal. I care a lot what you think. Oh, I am scared to death what you think. Oh, I am shaking in my boots what somebody such as you happens to think. You want to talk about spite and malice, how about we decide to make up our minds to begin with Him? Or meanness, if meanness is your thing. You want to see somebody get the hell out of somewhere, keep your eye on this individual here. Unless you think they made it, when they made it, with some burning time in it built into it. But then there's the toilet handle, isn't there? And the chairs and the tables and the walls and the sink. Listen, there comes a time when, face it, the party's over. Your household scum building up on you isn't the only thing. Whatever the companies do or don't do, forget it, what's it anymore to me? It is like there's this newborn running to the graveyard hollering its head off at everybody, screaming like a maniac at them I can't go, I can't go. You know what they stand there and say to you? Because they stand there and say to you hey, please—even at your age age-wise, pay attention, you already went already.