Collected Fictions

by Gordon Lish

  ORIGINS OF DEATH

  SHE CALLS ME AND SHE SAYS TO ME hey there's three words I hate, so I says to her yeah sure there are three words you hate, and so she says to me you want to know what they are, and so I says to her yeah sure tell me what they are, I want to know me what they are, and so she says to me sty, one of them is sty, and so I says to her which sty, and so she says to me what do you mean which sty, she says to me I said sty so what do you mean which sty, so I says to her well there's the sty you get in your eye and there's the other one, there's the pig one, oh she says to me, oh the pig one she says to me, I wasn't thinking of the pig one she says to me, it's the eye one which I was thinking of says she to me, so I says to her so which one do you hate more, the pig one or the eye one, and so she says to me can I call you back, and I so I says to her sure call me back so go ahead and call me back and so she calls me back and she says to me I don't know what got into me thinking I needed to think about it, why did I have to think about it, there is no reason for me to have to think about it, it's the eye sty, it's the sty in the eye one, the sty in the eye one is the sty I hate, but what about the other one says I to her, how do you feel about the other one, the pig one, how do you feel about the pig one, don't you as a word hate the pig one as a word, well says she to me as a word I never thought about the pig one as a word, you want for me to start thinking about the pig one as a word, I'm going to have to hang up and call you back about it after I have thought about it as far as the pig one that way as a word, no I says, I says to her no, don't get yourself upset about this subject anymore says I to her it's enough for me to know you wanted me to know something you hate, it makes me feel a lot closer to you hearing you tell me about a word which you really feel you hate, but what about the other two says I to her, the other two what says she to me, what do you mean the other two says she to me, the words says I to her, what words says she to me, the three words you're saying to me you hate, don't you remember calling me telling me there's three words you really feel you really hate, oh she says yeah I did she says, that's definitely right she says, thanks for reminding me she says, so what are they says I to her, what are they says I to her, I forgot she says to me, I can't think of them anymore says she to me, so I says to her maybe you were just trying to impress me, maybe when you said three to me all you were trying to do with me was just to impress me when you said that to me, maybe the thing of it when you said it was you felt saying it was just the one word would not impress me as much as saying it to me it was three words, maybe says I to her, maybe you never had any three words you hated to begin with says I to her, so I says to her don't worry about the other two, I'm plenty impressed with just the one word you already told me all about, okay can I change the subject with you she says to me, sure I says to her change the subject with me if you want to change the subject with me I says to her, it's okay with me if you change the subject with me says I to her, the bags she says, the bags I says, the bags she says, the bags they give you when you go get your stuff at the market she says to me you know those bags she says to me, you know those bags like tissue paper she says to me, they're these shitty plastic bags that are like tissue paper she says to me, okay I says to her, I'm with you all the way I says to her, shoot I says to her, the subject is the shitty bags they give you says I myself to her, the ones that are like this tissue paper shit says she to me, from the market says she to me, okay I says, okay the bags from the market I says, they used to give you like real paper bags she says to me, you remember when they used to give you like these nice brown paper bags says she to me, but now look, she says, now look, because do they give you real bags like that anymore, because they don't give you real bags like that anymore, now you go to the market and they give you what, because they give you like these next-to-nothing things that are like shit says she to me, so okay I says to her so now they give you these lousy things instead of giving you the real things, so what about it says I to her, so what about what says she to me, whereupon I says about the crappy bags they give you, what about the crappy bags they give you, you were saying they used to give everybody these great old regular paper ones and now they give you these shitty flimsy crappy ones, well they do says she they absolutely do and like I was just thinking the nerve of these fucking people, where do they get their nerve, these fucking people, you used to walk out of the store and you had a real bag at least, now what do you have, now you don't even have anything you can fold and put away and save anymore, these crappy flimsy shitty things they give you, you can't fold them and put them away like a regular bag anymore, ball them up says I to her, ball them up she says to me, yeah you ball them up and stuff them in a bag and save them that way says I to her, that's what you do she says to me you ball them up and stuff them in a bag and keep them that way she says to me, yeah sure I says to her that's what I do I says to her, you say you ball them up and stuff them in a bag and save them she says to me I never saw you ball them up and stuff them in any fucking bag she says to me, well I do says I, I do it all the time says I, oh so you do says she to me I don't believe it she says to me, you ball them up and stuff them in a bag she says to me, check I says that's what I do I says, really she says, really I says, so are you being sarcastic with me she says, because I don't like it if you're being sarcastic with me says she to me, come over and look for yourself I says, I can't go out she says I got a sty in my eye she says, I'm sorry I says, that's okay she says just don't start getting sarcastic with me she says, I can take a lot from people she says but people being sarcastic with me is one thing I can't take from people, okay I says to her I'm sorry about your sty I says to her, she says forget it she says it won't kill me she says all I want you to know is if there's three things I can't take it's definitely sarcasm which is one of them, okay I says I'll remember that I says, don't forget it she says, check I says I'll remember it I says, so she says to me don't you want to know what the other two ones are, yeah sure I says to her tell me what the other two ones are, she says okay so I told you sarcasm is one of them, somebody sassing me is another one of them, and anybody teasing me is the third one of them, so is that impressive enough for you or what says she to me, hey I'm impressed I says to her, I promise you I am definitely impressed I says to her, well make sure you are says she to me and another thing she says, what I says, tell me what I says, what's the other thing I says.

  UNDER A PEDIMENT

  IT WAS THE NOTES I was getting. I was getting these notes. I was developing this terrific collection of really great notes. Normally the thing of it with me is I just go ahead. I get a title and I just go ahead. But this was a case where there were all of these great notes I was developing and where they just kept on accumulating on me and accumulating, is the only way for anybody with any intelligence to put it. The other thing is a title, the title. Didn't have one, couldn't get one. Nothing. Then out of the blue I hear myself saying to myself wait a minute, wait a minute, under a pediment, how about under a pediment? Except first I had to go over to the museum and ask one of the people. They have these guards over there. These attendants, personnel in uniform. So there's this one of them who says to me yeah, that's right, pediment, the name of it you call it is a pediment. So this is when I had the whole thing. I was all set when I had this last part of the thing, which, considering my history, my history considered, is for me the same as the staples of the thing—i.e., a title; viz., a title, get a title, then go ahead and write your head off now that you have got it, the title. But so who ever had any notes before? I never had any notes before. Notes for me never were this regular thing for me. Notes is such a crazy new thing for me. But so what happens was it turns around and gets captivating to me. As a separate thing to me. Notes, getting notes. It's like you might say these notes I was collecting, they were evolving into this thing which was evolving into its own kind of a thing non-relative to anything. Talk about notes. I'm telling you, if anybody wants to see tons of them, then they better come see me about it because I am the one with tons of them. But so
how does this happen to come about? Does anybody have any idea of how this happens to come about? Because until we as a society can get to the bottom of this thing and start making some progress rooting it out or getting it rooted out, the human race will just go on being enslaved as a nation in bondage. Meanwhile, stay alert. Keep your guard up. The snare is everywhere. The only way for us as a people to come to terms with this is for you and other enlightened citizens to continue to see to it that you have kept yourselves informed, unclogged the lines of communication, and to have made wariness—wariness!—your watchword. Because it's first it's this thing and then it's next this next thing and then that's it—it's, you know, it's everything everywhere.

  But a bird does not say to itself okay, here goes a feather, I am finished with this feather, I am getting rid of this feather. Because the man was prepared to believe no bird relieved itself of a feather in hopes the man would retrieve it. There was not a matter of mind to be inquired into. Although neither was it an accident, was it? Nothing was an accident. A scheme was bound to be bound up in it, whatever it was, somewhere. For example, hadn't the man once been in the company of a boy who said feder for feather? This is what the man pondered about, or pondered on, thinking ponderingly, "What's the deal?"

  The man reasoned along this line, or bethought himself along this line of reasoning. For did it not stand to reason that not everyone in the present dispensation could report of himself his once having been in the company of a boy who said feder for feather? Wasn't there something going on in this somewhere, and couldn't you end up somewhere in it dying from it? There were hints, there were foretokenings—the proof was everywhere for anyone with the acumen to read the dread indications. There would be a disease conducted into the man from this relation he had conceived with the feathers. It would be a feather-borne disease, despite the care the man took never to handle a feather directly. No, no, this last, that last sentence, all wrong, it's all too wrong—wrought, wrought, it's all too wrong and wrought, diction thick with effort. I can't write this. It cannot be written.