Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts

by Shelia E. Bell

  “Is that a problem?”

  “No, of course not,” Clarye said. She gave Gavin the directions to her house.

  “I believe I can find you with no problem,” he said. “All right; see you at one.”

  “Bye.”

  “Bye, Gavin.”

  Clarye immediately called Ada. Once again she woke her out of her beauty sleep. “What is it Clarye?”

  “Ada, Gavin wants me to go to lunch with him. Have you ever been to Smitty’s Restaurant off Mendenhall.?

  “Yeah, sure. Why?” Ada asked.

  “Do they have a lot of steps? How is the restaurant made? Is it a huge place or what? Tell me. I have to know before I go there.”

  Ada was aware of how Clarye felt about going to strange places with new people. It was one of the reasons she didn’t travel to promote her books. She seemed to never be able to get over her self induced inhibitions. No matter how successful she was, she carried this low image inside.

  “Clarye, you don’t have to worry about Smitty’s. The restaurant is on level ground, with no steps. It’s not huge. It’s a small, cozy setting and the barbecue is delicious. It’s hot and spicy just the way you like it. Everything will be fine. Just go and have a good time, girl. I’m telling you, everything will be fine,” Ada reassured her.

  Clarye exhaled. “Thanks, Ada. I am so nervous, girl. But you’ve managed to make me have one less worry. Now all I have to do is dress to the nines. I want this man’s tongue to drop when he sees me.”

  “Now that’s what I’m talking about, Clarye. Get your man!” Ada said and giggled into the phone. “I’ll be over there before you go. I want to see him live and in person.”

  “Bye, Ada. You’re so crazy.”

  CHAPTER 14

  Clarye went into the sunroom to work on her latest novel. Ironically, this one was about a young woman who had finally found her knight in shiny armor. All of Clarye’s novels centered on a person with a physical or mental disability. She remembered reading novel after novel as she grew up but she could never find one that she could really and truly relate to.

  “Don’t people know that everyone is not blonde haired and blue eyed, or shapely and beautiful in the normal sense of the word?” She often thought. It was then she decided that when she became a famous writer, she was going to write about the other side; people like herself who weren’t all big legged, shapely and normal. And so she did, and continued to do so.

  After about a half hour of writing, her thoughts drifted on Gavin. She felt nervousness flutter in her stomach as she stopped and thought about their date later that afternoon. She wrote for about another hour before she decided to get up and find an outfit to wear. She wanted to look perfect.

  She searched in the huge walk-in closet that encircled her bedroom from one end to the next. Clarye very seldom wore dresses, especially in a case like this, where she didn’t yet feel comfortable with this guy. She decided on a black linen, pantsuit. The jacket reached her thighs and fastened with two pearl and sequined buttons. The pants were wide legged pants with tiny flecks of pearl coloring running throughout. Her blouse was the same pearl color with black in the background.

  Next, Clarye searched for shoes. She envied ladies who could wear high heeled shoes, or shoes with any height on them for that matter. She looked for her black and cream leather Versace flats.

  “Fine,” she anxiously thought. “Now I have that out of the way. God, I hope I’m not making the mistake of a lifetime again.”

  It was ten o’clock by the time Clarye finished picking out her clothes and taking a relaxing bath. She went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of tea before crawling back into her oversized, comfy bed.

  She sipped on her tea a couple of times before she set it on the nightstand.

  Clarye apparently dozed off because she was awakened by the voice of Ada.

  “Girl, what are you doing asleep?” It’s twelve o’clock. I thought you said Gavin was picking you up for lunch.”

  Clarye looked startled as she sought to regain her focus. Ada had let herself in and was standing over Clarye waiting for an answer. She thought Clarye had backed out at the last minute. That would have been no surprise to Ada. She knew Clarye all too well. That’s why she decided she had better come over to help her best friend prepare herself mentally for this date with Gavin.

  “Ada, oh my God.” Now I’m going to be rushing. I can’t believe I fell asleep.”

  “Do you have everything picked out that you’re going to wear?” Ada asked, stepping into the huge walk in closet.

  “Yeah, I’m wearing my black linen Versace outfit. Clarye went into the bathroom to freshen up. While she was brushing her teeth, she thought about Ada. She knew she could always count on her love and support no matter what. She mouthed a quick, “Thank you, God for Ada” and hurried out of the bathroom.

  Clarye refused to wear much makeup. She only wore lipstick, a touch of mascara and a tad bit of eyeliner. That was enough for her. Her copper skin didn’t need any foundation or blush. She was naturally radiant. She put on her two carat diamond loop earrings with the matching necklace and bracelet. Then she proceeded putting on her outfit. By the time she finished getting dressed, it was 12:45.

  “Ada, how do I look?” Clarye asked with still a hint of that old self consciousness in her voice.

  “Good, Clarye. You look like a super model.”

  They were quickly pulled from their conversation by the sound of a car’s horn that had pulled up in the winding driveway. Ada curiously peeked out the bedroom window.

  “Girl, this man is driving a Cadillac Deville and it’s your favorite color. Can you believe that?”

  “It’s black? Oh, Ada. I’m taking that as a good sign.”

  “I don’t blame you. I mean it’s to die for, Clarye. You’ve really got yourself a live one here, girl,” Ada grinned, sounding ecstatic for her friend.

  Within seconds, the doorbell rang. Ada hurried past Clarye to go answer it. When she opened it, she could see why Clarye was so nervous. She knew she would be as well if the shoe were on the other foot. This guy was so doggoned fine that Ada’s mouth began to water.

  “Hi, you must be Gavin,” Ada said with her mouth gaping wide open.

  “Yes, and you must be Ada,” he said in the most sexiest voice Ada had ever heard.

  “Why, yes I am,” she said feeling flattered and special that Clarye had obviously told him about her.

  “Where’s that gorgeous best friend of yours?” he asked as his eyes searched quickly around the room.

  “Here I am,” Clarye said shyly.

  “My, you look absolutely stunning, Clarye.”

  Clarye blushed. “Thank you,” she said.

  Gavin was dressed in soft cream Armani slacks and shirt. The aroma of his cologne sent shivers up and down her spine. Her head felt like it was spinning around and around. Clarye offered him a seat but Gavin said that they had better get going. Their reservations were for two o’clock. Clarye told Ada goodbye and they went down the walk.

  Gavin carefully opened the door for Clarye, grabbing her crutches while she climbed in the car. She sat down with self consciousness and paranoia enveloping her as she unlocked her brace. To Clarye, the clicking of the lock sounded like a gun being cocked and she just knew Gavin must be thinking the same thing in his mind.

  Apparently not, because Gavin acted like the two of them had been together all of their lives. He waited patiently for her to pull her lame legs into the car before he gave her the crutches and closed the door.

  Ada watched from the door, witnessing the tenderness Gavin displayed toward Clarye. She knew within herself that this man was special. He was indeed a long awaited gift to her best friend.

  “Thank you, God,” Ada said. “Thank you.”

  When they arrived at the restaurant, Gavin once again went to help Clarye out of the car. He held her crutches waiting patiently while she adjusted her brace and climbed out. Once she made it out, he qu
ickly grabbed her around her waist and reached out to push a strand of her hair away from her face. He bent his 6’ 3” body down to touch her cheek and planted a gentle kiss on her cheek. Clarye was in seventh heaven. She felt good, she felt happy, and she even felt loved.

  Gavin and Clarye had what seemed like an endless conversation. They were both amazed at the fact they had practically grown up in the same neighborhood in south Memphis. They were equally surprised that their paths hadn’t crossed when they were teenagers. She confessed to him that she was rather uncertain of his motives and why of all people, he wanted to establish a relationship with her. In the back of her mind, she was still nursing the wounds of past hurts and abuse. She even went so far as to make the suggestion that surely there was someone in his life or someone better suited for him.

  “Clarye, it’s you, no one else but you that I want. Is that so hard for you to believe?”

  Even though genuineness was etched all across his handsome face, it was impossible for Clarye to believe what he was saying. She was afraid and excited at the same time.

  One part of her was saying, “Yeah, right.” The other part, her heart, was telling her to hold on to Gavin. God was actually speaking to her spirit and telling her that this was from Him. This was real and not another game. No matter what her carnal mind was telling her, she was overwhelmed with genuine love for this man. He was no stranger to her, but at last a long lost love that had come home. Clarye was floating away on cloud nine.

  “God is so good,” she said.

  Wednesday evening did not come quickly enough for Clarye. She was actually looking forward to attending the prayer service with Gavin. He had been calling her every day, several times a day as a matter of fact, since their luncheon. During their conversations, Clarye found herself opening up to him more and more.

  Gavin arrived around 6:30 that evening to pick Clarye up for the prayer services. Since it was a school night, she decided to leave EJ at home because she wasn’t certain what time they would make it back. She didn’t want him to be sleepy and tired the next day. She was dressed rather casually in a black, ankle length flair silk dress with three quarter inch bell sleeves. Clarye was rather petite, standing at a mere 5’3” and about a 120 pound frame. Her long, silky, black hair was pulled back from her face in a ponytail held by a black, butterfly hairpin. Though Clarye looked forward to seeing Gavin, she now had new worries. One was meeting the people at his church and the major fear stemmed from the fact that she would more than likely be meeting his mother. Gavin was the only boy born to his mother and he was also the oldest child. He had two younger sisters who lived out of town, one in Texas and the other in Oklahoma.. His mother and stepfather had raised him. His biological father had died from an apparent drug overdose when Gavin was a teenager.

  “Hello, Shorty,” Gavin said looking handsome as ever.

  “Hello, Gavin,” Clarye answered in that same shy voice.

  “You look beautiful tonight, but that’s not unusual for you. You always look fine, girl whenever I see you,” he said with a smile that stretched over his smooth, dark skin.

  “Thank you, Gavin.” It was extremely hard for Clarye to accept compliments of any kind. Low self esteem and scars of the past had hardened her mind and heart when it came to someone telling her she was pretty or fine. But she had not had the privilege of hearing a man tell her that she was beautiful or fine in her life anyway. Therefore, it was extremely difficult for her to believe Gavin and accept his loving words of praise and adoration towards her. It didn’t matter that her parents, friends and family would often say that she was a pretty girl, but she could never believe it within herself. She refused to accept what she considered to be shallow, insincere compliments.

  “Do they really mean that I’m pretty?” She would ask herself. “Or are they saying that I’m pretty even though I have polio, even though my legs are frail and pencil thin, even though I walk with a disgusting limp, even though each step I make the clang of metal braces sounds like a gun being cocked and preparing to fire.” She was so used to obscenities being hurled at her along with the physical abuse she was subjected through over the years that she had come to believe the same negative words. So hearing Gavin constantly telling her how pretty she was and how good she looked was new to her and she still felt rather awkward at accepting his loving words.

  When they arrived at the church, Clarye felt a little more at ease after she saw that the church didn’t have but three steps for her to climb with rails on each side.

  Before she could remove one of her crutches so she could hold on to the rail, Gavin was there by her side grabbing it. He seemed to know just the right thing to do at just the right time as if he had been around her all of her life. This made Clarye feel more and more comfortable with him by her side.

  When they walked into the church, several people were gathered around talking. When they saw Gavin come in they immediately began to come toward him.

  “Hello, Brother Gavin,” one of the ladies at the church said. Another man came up quickly beside them.

  “How are you this evening, Brother Gavin?” How’s the grocery business?” The man asked.

  “I’m fine,” he said. “The grocery business is booming. I’m looking for a site to build a superstore.” I’ve got some pretty good prospects.”

  “Well, that’s great,” the man said. “And who’s this lovely young lady you have with you?”

  Clarye felt like the church had come to a standstill. She imagined that all eyes were glued to her. What are they thinking? Are they wondering who this girl is with all these braces and crutches hanging from her body?” Are they saying, How could he bring her to church?” Maybe they think he brought me for healing or something. After all, I’m sure they’re saying that I couldn’t possibly be his woman.

  Clarye’s mind raced with crazy, blown out of proportion, self conscious thoughts. But that was Clarye. She could never seem to accept the fact that maybe people were not thinking such things about her at all. Maybe they were just plain ole curious people who saw a stranger and wanted to know who she was. Yet Clarye was more comfortable thinking the way she always did. Negativity filled her mind as she crawled into her shell. She became quiet and rather evasive as Gavin began to introduce her to one person after another.

  “This is the love of my life,” he told them. “Her name is Clarye. Isn’t she beautiful?” Each person nodded their head in agreement with Gavin as smiles of happiness for Gavin seemed to wash across their faces. Clarye felt her heart slowing down just a bit as the feeling of awkwardness began to leave her just a little.

  Another voice came up behind them. “Hey, baby, the smooth dark skinned, and attractive woman said.” How did work go today, son?”

  “Fine, Momma. Are you doing okay?’ Gavin asked, bending over to kiss her on the cheek.

  “Yes, baby, I’m fine. Hello young lady,” she continued, moving until she stood in front of Clarye. “You must be Clarye. I’m Jean; Jean Elliston. Gavin has told me all about you. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you. You’re as pretty as he said you were. And I feel honored to be meeting the famous Clarye Dawson. I’ve read some of your books myself. They were great. Now that you’re part of the family, I’m looking forward to getting my books personally autographed by you,” Gavin’s mother said, smiling.

  “It’s nice to meet you too,” Clarye said with a nervous smile. “And of course, I’ll be more than happy to autograph your books. I’m glad to know you’ve read some of them.” Clarye stretched forth her rough hands to shake the hands of Gavin’s mother. Once again, self consciousness attacked her thoughts. I hope she doesn’t think my hands are too rough. Years of using crutches had taken away the softness of Clarye’s hands and replaced them with dry rough hands that reminded Clarye of a man who worked construction or something. But Gavin’s mother seemed not to notice. His mother was a pretty woman. She wore a bob hair cut and her hair was the most beautiful gray Clarye had ever seen. She appeared to
be in her early sixties. She had the same smooth, dark skin as Gavin and the same smile of tenderness that Gavin always displayed. Her voice was gentle and full of sincerity and concern.

  “Come on you two. Let’s take our seats. Services will be starting soon,” Jean said. Gavin followed his mother, making sure he carefully held Clarye around her waist.

  While they headed toward their seats, Clarye flashed back to what Gavin’s mom had just said. “Now that you’re part of the family, you can autograph all of my books.” Part of the family? This was a bit much for Clarye. “What did Gavin’s mother mean by part of the family? What was going on?” Clarye would find out sooner than she thought.

  Church lasted about two hours. Afterwards, Gavin’s mother asked them if they would like to go and have coffee. Gavin passed up the offer and Clarye was rather glad. She didn’t think she was quite ready for a social gathering of mother and son right now. She had to be around a little bit longer in order for the fear she felt to fade away.

  “Well, Clarye I expect to see you again soon. Now I want you and Gavin to come back to church. What about Sunday?” Gavin looked at her. Jean looked at her. Their eyes seemed to be pleading for a “Yes”.

  Clarye said, “Of course, I’ll be glad to come and visit again. I really had a good time this evening.”

  Well, it’s settled,” said Jean. “I’ll see you Sunday. Oh, and by the way, Clarye, bring EJ. I can’t wait to meet the future little NBA star,” she laughed.

  “Okay, I sure will,” responded Clarye.

  “So I see you’ve told your mother a about me. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.”

  “What do you think?” he said. “Did it sound like it was bad or what? I don’t believe it did. As a matter of fact, Jean is really pleased that I have found for once in my life, a beautiful, classy, and loving woman. And you know what, Clarye? So am I. So am I.”

  A smile filled Clarye’s heart as she laid her head back against the plush, soft leather seat of the car’s interior. She relaxed in the warmth that surrounded her and enjoyed the smooth drive home. Gavin had pulled her close to him and they drove along in sweet silence.