Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts

by Shelia E. Bell

  When they pulled up to the drive, Gavin hurried to open the door for her. She invited him in. She searched around for Roc but he was nowhere to be found. He must be at Eric or Jeremy’s. Roc had it made. He had three houses and acres of land to wander around and not a care in the world.

  When she walked inside, the house was still and quiet. The moon etched its soft streaks of light though the windows making everything look relaxing and romantic. She led Gavin into her sanctuary, the sunroom.

  “Would you like some coffee?” It’s instant if you don’t mind drinking instant,” she said.

  “That sounds good, Clarye and instant’s fine. I take two sugars and two creams.”

  “Okay, it’ll be ready in just a minute. I’m going to have tea. I can’t drink coffee this late at night unless I’m planning to be up writing.”

  Gavin came into the kitchen and got the cups of coffee and tea. He carried it into the sunroom without being asked. Clarye was too proud anyway to ask for his assistance so it was good that again he seemed to know just what she needed, when she needed it.

  After they laughed and talked there in the moonlit sunroom, Clarye decided to turn on the stereo. She chose a CD with songs of the sixties. This time the Delphonics began singing Didn’t I blow your mind this time, didn’t I?

  They shared thoughts of the past, talked about their families, their hearts’ desires and aspirations, again talking as if they had known each other and been with each other all of their lives.

  Listening to him talking, Clarye felt alive inside. She never knew that love could be this grand, this good, and this simple. This went on until the wee hours of the morning. When he finally prepared to go, Gavin leaned over, lifting Clarye’s face gently in his hands toward his waiting lips. They shared their first tender kiss. Clarye found herself relaxing in his arms as she accepted his gentle, yet passionate kiss. The music wafted through the speakers softly and Clarye answered the words of the song in her heart. Yes, you have definitely blown my mind.

  CHAPTER 15

  The first time Gavin spoke the words, “I love you,” Clarye felt her old standbys, Doubt and Fear, rush in like a tidal wave. They had been seeing each other for several months now and Clarye was slowly letting go of her inhibitions.

  She had been busy writing when she heard the doorbell ring. She grabbed her crutch and went to answer its call. A young man stood there with a vase of beautiful red roses.

  “Are you Ms. Clarye Dawson?” The man asked.

  “Yes, I am.”

  “Please sign here, ma’am.” Clarye signed the receipt in a daze. She hurried to close the door.

  The card read, “Thank you for walking into the store that day, Clarye. You’ve changed my life. I love you. Gavin.”

  Tears filled Clarye’s eyes. No man had ever given her anything before but heartache and pain. She was the one always giving and giving. Clarye did not know what to think, but her heart was saying, “I love you too, Gavin” and her body was feeling sensations and emotions she still didn’t quite understand.

  Clarye hurried to call Gavin. When he came to the phone, she tried to hold back the tears as she cried with joy. “Gavin, thank you so much. The roses are beautiful, just beautiful. And the card, well the card left me speechless. I just don’t know what to say, what to think.” Tears streamed down her flushed, red cheeks.

  “Just say, “I love you back.” Gavin said.

  And Clarye did just as he said. “I love you back, Gavin,” she cried.

  Later that evening Gavin came to pick her up. They stopped to get some carry out at a nearby Chinese restaurant.

  Gavin’s house was a five bedroom, one story brick house located on the outskirts of the city. It had a towering black wrought iron and brick gate surrounding it with security type lights stationed at each end of the house.

  There were several steps Clarye had to climb but now it didn’t appear to pose a problem to Clarye. She had Gavin beside her. He was there to help her. She had her man and all was right with her world.

  Gavin’s house was decorated in soft earth tones and plush leather furniture filled the open floor living room area. African American art lined the walls tastefully. It was extremely neat with everything in its proper place. The sweet smell of fragrant candles filled the air. Gavin led Clarye into the great room. A fireplace was in the far corner of the room. The mantle of the fireplace was lined with pictures of Gavin’s family. Clarye noticed two pictures of his daughter. One was taken when she looked to be about three years old. The other seemed to have been taken recently because Kenya looked about the age Gavin said she was now. Clarye also noticed the room in the picture was one of the rooms in Gavin’s house. The night was rather cool.

  “Would you like me to light a fire?” Gavin asked.

  “That would be nice,” Clarye said. Your house is lovely, Gavin. It’s so relaxing.”

  “That’s good to know, Clarye ‘cause you’re going to be around here a lot more, you know. If there’s anything you don’t like, be sure to let me know.”

  Gavin prepared the food platter, while Clarye fixed him some coffee and herself some iced tea.

  As they cuddled on the luxurious, leather sofa, Clarye found herself telling Gavin with surprising ease about her abusive relationships and her three failed marriages. This was a shock to her because she had carried the guilt of failed relationships with her over the years, never daring to reveal to anyone but Ada about her deep shame and ever present guilt over her failures in love.

  Clarye had always tried to appear to be a strong, yet sweet woman, whose faith in God was infallible; and she was. Yet she was screaming inside with pain and hurt that ran deep down into her soul. It had caused her so much shame. She felt that she should have been the lady who wore the Scarlet letter on her jacket for the entire world to see that she was not the saint everyone thought her to be.

  That night, after emptying her soul to Gavin, he comforted her.

  “Clarye, don’t be ashamed about your past. There’s not a human being on earth who hasn’t done something that they wish they hadn’t done.”

  “I hear what you’re saying, but I feel so terrible.” Clarye began to cry.

  Gavin wiped the tears from her cheeks and kissed her. He pulled her in close to him, and she felt his love for her even more.

  She listened intently when he told her, “I never want to go back to my old way of life again. I know God has kept me and I owe him everything,” he said with such sincerity in his voice that he sounded almost like a child. “You know, I have to give thanks to the man upstairs for keeping me safe and blessing me with all that I have achieved. I don’t mean to get religious on you but I have to be truthful and give praise to whom praise is due. And as for you, Shorty, I don’t want you getting stuck in the past. Everyone has made mistakes in life. But as for me, I’m going to let go of the past and be thankful for now, for being given a second chance at life.” He poured out his heart to her that night while they sat together like two lost and frightened souls searching for arms of safety.

  There was one thing that was different about his past that shocked Clarye. He was not trying to hide it like she tried to hide hers. He was not proud of his past mistakes. He simply told her, “Clarye look at me and the kind of life I’ve led. There is so much that I’m sorry for doing. But, sweetheart, don’t you see; we have to forget the past and put God first and we’ll make it.” Little did she know at the time, but those were going to become the infamous words of Gavin that would ring through her heart for the rest of her life; put God first.

  On that unforgettable evening, passion consumed them as the ecstasy of the moment flooded every fiber of her being. They made a vow to each other that night that there would be nothing they would ever keep from each other.

  He kissed her with fervor. Moments later, he stood up, and reached for her hand. He helped her get up off the sofa and then swooped her up in his arms and carried her to his bedroom. Gently he laid her down on the king sized bed
and slowly began to undress her – piece by piece.

  “Gavin, I’m ashamed−”

  ”Shhh,” he said and pressed two fingers gently against her lips “You’re beautiful. You’re flawless,” he said with desire as he leaned over her. “You don’t ever have to be ashamed with me. I love you, girl. I love every,” he kissed her neck, “single,” he kissed her again, “thing about you.”

  He moved away long enough to undress. Clarye gasped with pleasure and anticipation when she saw his naked black skin.

  Gavin climbed in bed next to her. She felt the heat of his body as it radiated toward her. He turned over and the two of them faced each other. Her mouth opened fully and accepted his kisses. Her body lay underneath him, desiring for his touch. There was no shame when Clarye was in his arms.

  Burying himself in her softness, he pressed her belly against his. Light, sensuous moans of satisfaction escaped her lips, as his hands traveled up and down the length of her spine. Clarye felt alive, while his every touch dispelled any inhibitions that may have surfaced in her mind.

  Gavin was becoming her all in all, her friend, her confidante, and her lover. Unleashed desire rushed through her and she welcomed him into her body. Her love for him was like none she’d ever experienced. She was with the man of her dreams; the one she’d always longed for. The man who looked beyond her physical imperfections and loved her truly for who she was.

  “Gavin,” she whispered.

  “Yes,” he said in a husky, hoarse voice. “Yes, baby. Talk to me.”

  “I love you,” she said between moans.

  He answered by sliding his hands down her back to her buttocks, and then pulled her firmly into the spread of his legs.

  “I’m yours, every part of me, every inch of me, for always now and forever.”

  When Gavin hovered over her, she reached for the hardness of his lean and slender body. Thoughts of her scarred body and skinny legs did not consume her. Years of yearning for love, for fulfillment, for comfort were now being met, being fulfilled. Walls of self consciousness and low self esteem were now being pulled down. As her body rose to meet his, she felt that she was right where she belonged. When she felt his hands travel ever so lightly up and down the back of her thighs and back again, she gave in to what she knew was meant to be. She was with the man she loved. Nothing and no one else mattered. Only her and Gavin. Better yet, she was with the man who loved her. Her precious, beautiful gift from God.

  Since Gavin entered her world, the glow of love was shining brightly in Clarye’s life. They spent every moment they could together. However, there was one small problem; Eric and Jeremy were still rather hesitant about accepting Gavin into the family. They were determined not to allow their guards to soften, not for one minute. Having lived in the bitter midst of the pain of Clarye’s past as well, they knew her terrible track record when it came to relationships.

  “Gavin has his work cut out for him,” Clarye told Ada one evening.

  “Indeed he does,” Ada replied. “Every time I’ve seen them in the same space with Gavin, they act cold as ice toward him.”

  “I know, and that bothers me.”

  “Well, I really don’t think you have too much to worry about.”

  “What makes you think that?” asked Clarye.

  “Because, I believe you’ve got just the man to handle the job. Gavin doesn’t seem to be intimidated by them in the least. I say let him handle things his way, and watch how things work out.”

  “Ada,” Clarye sighed heavily. “I hope you know what you’re talking about.”

  “I believe I do,” answered Ada.

  CHAPTER 16

  One afternoon while Clarye was on a two day trip to New York to see her publisher, Gavin decided the time had come to have a man to man talk with Eric and Jeremy.

  Gavin firmly, yet respectfully, explained to them that he had plans to be a part of Clarye’s life and theirs as well. Eric and Jeremy listened with intensity. At first they were determined to remain defensive and steadfast. But as they continued to listen to Gavin, saw his expressions, heard the love in his voice for their mom, they slowly began to see him in a far different light. They couldn’t see him like they saw the others. Maybe this is the one, they both thought. Just maybe he is.

  Gavin’s love and compassion overflowed as Clarye listened to him tell her how much he desired for Eric and Jeremy to love and accept him as the father they had never been blessed to have in their lives.

  During their private conversations Gavin told her, “You know, Shorty, I just wish we could somehow turn back the hands of time and have the chance to start all over. Your sons would be our sons and Kenya would be our daughter.”

  With such longing in his sweet, gentle voice he told her once more, “I wish people would stop searching for dirt in other people’s lives and look for the good in people’s lives instead. I want Eric and Jeremy to look beyond the past and see the good in me.” He took hold of her hands and kneaded them between his. “I love you. And I promise never to hurt you nor will I allow anyone else to hurt you ever again.”

  “Don’t get me wrong,” He went on to say, rather sadly. “I understand their obvious apprehension, but I just know within my heart one day they will see that I’m for real and that I truly love you and them too, girl.” Gavin believed respect was something you earned; and he had faith that in due time he would earn Eric and Jeremy’s respect but most of all he would earn their love.

  Not only was Gavin fighting to earn Eric and Jeremy’s respect and love, but he was fighting bravely to win his only child’s respect and love as well.

  Gavin’s daughter, Kenya, was eighteen years old and a single mother of a two year old. The years he and Kenya spent apart had, as Gavin said, made Kenya feel as if she had been robbed of being around her dad. The mere fact they remained in touch over the years had made no difference because Kenya believed her father had not been there for her when she needed him most.

  Since his return home, Kenya displayed intense anger and animosity, and Gavin found it difficult to communicate with her or establish a solid relationship. The guilt Gavin felt forced him to fight harder and harder to prove to his only child that he did indeed love her.

  Clarye found herself engulfed in tears when she listened to him tell her with tears in his own eyes how he wished Kenya was their daughter. He believed somehow that things would be quite different for all of them, if only. He yearned to have Kenya close to him; close to him and Clarye, but Kenya returned his love by crushing his spirit a little more each day.

  Clarye tried unsuccessfully to convince him that God would work everything out for him, for Kenya and for them.

  “Gavin, you’re back home now, sweetheart and everything will turn out fine, you’ll see.” Clarye remembered her own mistakes of the past as she witnessed the hurt on Gavin’s tear streaked face. She recalled with shame her failed marriages. She felt the painful hands of abuse she had accepted throughout her life.

  She cried out, “If only I had allowed You Lord, to work in my life, to wait patiently for Your will and Your way, if only, God. Then I would not have become such good friends with Pain.

  Clarye asked her dearly beloved Gavin, as she lay her head against his hard body and smelled the aroma of his manhood, “Which of our sins is worse?”

  As he gently lifted her face to look into his eyes, he spoke without speaking. With each drop of his salty tears bathing her face, they both understood how cruel the journey called Life.

  Gavin’s words of love and encouragement became a constant presence in Clarye’s life. Each time her beloved spoke, whoosh came the past sweeping swiftly into her spirit. Self consciousness, low self esteem and diminished self worth moved quickly in, this time bringing with them their buddies, Disgust and Shame.

  But did that stop Gavin? I dare not say that it did because he was still there to lift her bowed down spirit and bring Clarye back to the present where she could rest in his love. As if he could read her mind, he remi
nded her over and over again that the past was just that, the past.

  He was firm but his words were filled with love when he told her, “Clarye, you have to stop carrying the past around like a noose around your neck, allowing it to choke you off from my love, from what we have together. He reminded her that they were best friends, as one, and nothing or no one was ever going to change that.

  Clarye began to see in her and Gavin two people who had made innumerable mistakes throughout their lives. Nevertheless, they had managed to hang on to their faith and belief in a God who forgives and forgets, a God who chose to give them the gift of love for each other, a God who blessed them with each other, a God who gave them a love and life together.

  Gavin’s faith was steadfast, immovable. He poured out himself to Clarye telling her, “Clarye, I know it was nobody but God who has watched over me and taken care of me.”

  There were several occasions she couldn’t help but cry when she and Gavin prayed together. The intense feeling of God’s presence in Gavin’s life was overwhelmingly powerful when he prayed and made his requests known to God.

  “Ada,” Clarye said one day as they lay on the cushiony bed in Clarye’s room, “You know I often think of Gavin as God’s prodigal son that God received unto himself. I believe God opened up the windows of Heaven for him when Gavin came running back to His waiting, forgiving arms. You know, it’s like when the Bible spoke of the father killing the fatted calf for his once lost son. Well, so has God blessed Gavin and me. And as for me, I feel like I’m his prodigal child too. I’ve been running most of my life trying desperately to escape the pain of my present disability and imperfections, of abuse and violence that lived and ruled in my life. That is, until the man above decided enough is enough. He brought me and Gavin in out of the cold, dark, dank gates of a tumultuous life and gave us the gift of each other.”