Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts

by Shelia E. Bell

  CHAPTER 26

  Gavin’s funeral was simply beautiful and a real tribute to the man he was. Hundreds of people from everywhere came to show their respect, love and admiration for him. Gavin’s daughter, however, did not come, which was good because Clarye did not know if she would be able to contain her hatred and anger if she saw her face.

  During the funeral services, Jeremy unexpectedly stood up and walked to the podium. As he tried desperately to hold back his tears, he began pouring out his heart.

  “Gavin had come to mean a lot to me,” he said. “He had become a father to me and Eric. He was a hard worker who valued life and most of all who loved us. He taught me about being a real man and I will always cherish his memories. Gavin was my father and I love him. I’ll never forget him. Maybe, he can even hear me now. This might just be one of his heavenly rewards, to hear his son tell everyone what a great man he was,” Jeremy tearfully said.

  Clarye listened to her strong, courageous child and longed for Gavin to be able to hear Jeremy speaking. She knew that Gavin would be proud and happy to know that he did have Jeremy and Eric finally as his sons. Gavin had earned their respect, admiration and love. Others spoke of Gavin and his love and friendship. The pastor talked about the love Gavin and Clarye had for each other and the gift that he was to so many people. Gavin was indeed that. But Clarye’s mind was distraught. All she felt was the presence of Grief, Hate, Anger, and of course, Pain, her ever constant companion.

  As the days passed and turned into weeks, thoughts of suicide flooded Clarye’s mind. She was consumed with anger toward God for what she considered an obvious betrayal on His part.

  One night, she tearfully asked Ada, “How could God bless me and Gavin with each other and then snatch it all away, Ada? How could God allow this whole scenario to happen? After all, He is omnipotent, all powerful, all knowing, all seeing; nothing can happen unless He allows it to. What kind of God is he, Ada? What kind of God would turn deaf ears to my cries, to Gavin’s cries? What had he wanted from us that we didn’t give?” She cried out bitterly to her best friend.

  Ada could only hold Clarye. She could not begin to understand God at this point either.

  Each moment it seemed she thought of how she had lost Gavin forever. Each moment she was forced to remember that he would never return to her. She became consumed more and more with anger, doubts and resentment. When she did try to pray and cry out to God for some understanding, Pain was present to quickly remind her that God was the reason her heart was now broken..

  Clarye thought with anger and hurt overflowing about the song they always sang at the close of each church service and she wrote it down: “If we never pass this way again, just remember this time how good it’s been, and lest we forget God, who made it possible, just remember He’s so wonderful. Oh, Gavin, never passed this way again,” she cried. Gavin had poured out his love for his dear Clarye that tearful Sunday morning before his death with the kind of love that was truly a gift from God above.

  Words, prayers and visits didn’t help to ease the wrenching grief that attached itself to her like a giant magnet. Visits from family and friends only brought with them more and more tears and Pain.

  She began to exclude herself as much as she possibly could from others. When she finally returned to her writing a few weeks later, she did just that. She wrote and wrote and wrote, oblivious to what was going on around her. She refused to accept phone calls and visits. She refused to go back to church because the pain became even more intense at the very thought. There were too many memories of Gavin and her at church. After all, that’s where they worshipped together, laughed together and became man and wife. That‘s where they had their beginning and that’s where they had their ending.

  Clarye could barely contain herself because Grief was rapidly consuming her. The intensity of its clutches on her heart reminded her constantly that the major part of her life was no longer sitting beside her in the rickety, brown steel framed church chair.

  Clarye thought about their recent marriage. “Why couldn’t we at least have had years together, years where we would have grown old together, years where we could have been a family together? Why Gavin, my only true love?” God you’re so cruel,” she cried out. “Cruel, unfair and unjust. I have been left with nothing but my friend Pain and its partner, Heartbreak.

  Doubts and questions about the existence of God became more and more real to her until she found herself not wanting to attend church at all or pray to God. All she seemed to focus on was how evil she believed the world to be. She did share her feelings with family and friends. Most of them told her that these feelings would pass and that they were normal expressions of the grief she was experiencing.

  “We’ll continue to pray for you, Clarye,” they would say. But Clarye couldn’t care less about prayer or anything else. Yet, deep inside she could hear Gavin’s words, “Clarye, Remember to always put God first.” She remembered his prayers to God, his longings and pleadings and praises and adorations to God. This made her angrier because she felt that not only had God not listened to Gavin’s prayers but he hadn’t listened to hers as well.

  “What kind of God are you? Have Gavin and I done something so bad that you had to punish us in this manner? I don’t know what to think anymore,” she continued to cry out.

  On the one hand she kept hearing Gavin’s words and on the other she kept hearing trusty Pain tell her boldly, “Your God is unfair.” Clarye did not want to live any longer. The pain was too much for her to bear. She pleaded with God, if He truly existed, to take her too. What else was left for her?

  Late one Sunday afternoon the phone rang. It was Jean. Surprisingly to Clarye, she and Jean talked for over an hour about the hurt, the pain, the not understanding, “the why” of all that had happened.

  Clarye finally broke down and told Jean her feelings. “Jean, I just don’t understand you,” Clarye cried. How can you praise the very God that allowed such a tragic end to Gavin’s life? How can you betray Gavin’s love like that, Jean? How, how, how?” Clarye continued to lash out angrily.

  “Clarye, I have to do it,” Jean said. “I still have to give God praise because God is good and He is in control, Clarye.” She went on talking as pain filled her voice, “I don’t understand why God allowed this to happen either but I know God is who I have to trust. He is in control, Clarye and He’s the only one who gives me strength. He’s the only one who will give you strength too, Clarye. So, don’t you see? I have to praise him.”

  Clarye listened intently to Jean’s words. She listened while Jean went on to tell her how much Gavin had always loved church and God.

  “Why do I praise God, Clarye? Because God is sovereign. Because God is who I’ve accepted as the head of my life. God is who Gavin accepted as the head of his too, Clarye. We have to be strong, and God will indeed fight this battle too.”

  For the first time, Clarye realized what a warrior Jean truly was. Even in the midst of her deep pain and loss, Jean continued to trust God. Clarye knew that somehow she too must let go of the anger she had toward God and begin to praise Him once again.

  Shortly after her conversation with Jean, Clarye began keeping a handwritten journal. She never failed to write in it and often times found herself carrying it with her wherever she went so that she could transfer her thoughts, her hurts, her concerns, her anger and fears about losing Gavin.

  On one particular evening, all was quiet. EJ was at Eric’s, Elliston was fast asleep in his kitty house, and Clarye was all alone in her loneliness. She folded her legs beneath her, cuddled snugly on the couch and began to write. The moon shed a dim light in the sunroom, and the stars seemed to cast an angelic glow around the shroud of pictures perched all around the sunroom of Gavin, and the two of them. Elliston woke up, lazily stretched and then jumped into her lap as if sensing that she was in deep despair.

  Writing had always enabled her to release her innermost thoughts. She could capture the true essence of her dreams, h
er aspirations, her secret fears and now her Pain and Grief. Clarye had been writing for hours.

  She did not know when she came to the realization that she was not truly writing herself. But Gavin began to speak to her through her writing. She felt his spirit, his soul guiding her hands and her thoughts. It was no longer her, but Gavin that penned the words to her on that beautiful, lonely, star filled night:

  When she began to read the loving, passionate words given to her by Gavin’s spirit, her heart became overwhelmed with love for him. Tears flooded her pain filled face. She was in total awe as she began to see, firsthand, the tremendous magnitude of power and love displayed by God. A God she had began to doubt even existed. She realized for the very first time that Gavin’s spirit was indeed given the ability by God to transcend. God had allowed their love for each other to transcend even beyond the dark clutches of death.

  Since Gavin’s death, she had repeated it many times within herself, saying again and again. “Our love will rise above even death, Gavin.” Now Clarye knew beyond a shadow or trace of doubt that Gavin was still with her, still beside her, still a part of her. But now more importantly, Clarye knew that she was still a part of him.

  It was what Gavin had unceasingly told her, “Clarye, we will always be a part of each other, always.”

  As the days and weeks went by turning into months, Clarye penned many of her thoughts in that journal. From the love, to the heartache, to the anger.

  She began to understand what Gavin meant when he said, “Our love transcends.” Slowly she was beginning to know and understand the grace of God. To believe that God did indeed love her after all. She began to realize that God’s love for Gavin was far greater than her finite mind would ever begin to comprehend. She began to recognize that what she had seen only as a tragic death was in fact a glorious beginning of eternal love and unblemished bliss for her beloved. It was also the only way Gavin could get to be with God; to see him face to face.

  “I know now that death is merely a separation of the physical body from the eternal soul, “Clarye wrote. “For those who believe know it is the only way to pass from this life into the grand entrance into eternal life, no matter how God comes to reclaim us. Gavin, now I am beginning to finally understand, though hurting still, that God reclaimed you, His precious gift, not because he was punishing me or you for the mistakes of our past, but instead it was because of His love for you, His heir, His son Gavin. I know now, sweetheart that you and I will be together—Always, Now and Forever.

  CHAPTER 27

  “Dearest Gavin, My beloved,” Clarye began the letter in her journal.

  Somehow she believed if she could write Gavin, pretend that somehow he was merely away for a short while, then she would begin to feel better. She had been writing in her journal everyday, describing her Pain and Relentless Grief. But this was different. She had to connect with Gavin. After all, he had connected with her when he wrote her that beautiful message of love that painful night not long ago. Now, maybe once more, she could find that spiritual connection. She had to believe this for herself, to maintain her own sense of sanity.

  And so Clarye began to write while Pain enveloped her, seized her like a magnet, as it swiftly moved right back into her life. This time Clarye knew Pain was here to stay. And she knew that if there was any solace, it could only be found in her writing. And so she decided to write until her fingers throbbed and her thoughts were drained.

  As she wrote, the blazing fire of Grief that pierced her heart over and over again began to consume her. She had to tell her story. She had to release Pain once and for all from her life. Gavin was gone, vanished forever from her life. She sat in the sunroom, alone with Pain surrounding her and with Elliston curled upon her lap. And so she began to write about everything that had happened in the past months.

  “We were a loving family facing every day ups and downs of this world, of this life. That is, until the walls came tumbling down. My beloved, Pain has returned with a vengeance this time bringing along its closest allies, Suffering, Sorrow and the king of them all, Grief. My life will never be the same. Never, ever again. Yes, everything was falling into its perfect, rightful, place when Lucifer came and stole it right from underneath our very noses.

  You were such a faithful man, sweetheart. Faithful to God, faithful to family, faithful to your job, and faithful to me. I smile when I think about your sensitivity and the great concern you always had for others to be treated with dignity and fairness,” she continued to write with tears streaming down her tired and worn looking face.

  Even now, I’m thinking about the excitement we shared with our families about your opportunity to get another store. Even though we were both successful in our careers, you always believed it was your responsibility as a man, as a father, and as a husband to provide for your family, and you did that my love.

  We were overwhelmed with happiness and joy for the way our lives were truly being blessing. Indeed even I became a different person. I went from being an introverted, defensive woman to a self assured, happy, blessed and much loved woman and wife. Finally, I had done it right. I had the man God wanted for me. I had been blessed with a precious, priceless and invaluable gift. A gift of love which was you. The glow on my face was bright because life was the best that it had ever been to me. Yes, life was great. Life was good. Life was God giving me the greatest gift of His love through you,” she wrote while tears fell down her round, sad cheeks, some falling on Elliston.

  “I no longer labored over the fact that I was handicapped. The bouts of depression, the attacks of low self esteem, and self badgering diminished. Oh, I must admit there were still times I felt the knock of the past pounding, begging me to let Pain and Sorrow back inside, only this time I refused to open the door.

  Tears flowed from Clarye’s swollen eyes but her throbbing fingers continued to move across the pages of the journal trying to keep up with the terrifying thoughts that scurried through her mind.

  “Now once again pain has invaded itself into my perfect world of love. It has robbed and stolen everything from me,” she wrote.

  “Gavin, I still think of Kenya quite often and wish that somehow our paths would cross so that I can tell her how much you really loved her.

  I want to ask her, “Why, and how could she have allowed this to happen to her father? I know even in spite of everything that happened, you would go back to her and love and forgive her because you loved her just that much.

  “Don’t you know it’s difficult living each day here on this evil earth without you, Gavin? Not having you beside me hurts. Grief, hurt and painful tears well up and out of me. I visualize you sitting next to me, lying beside me, holding me, loving me, laughing with me but quickly realize that you are not. Never again will I have your physical presence beside me again.

  “No, that isn’t true is it, sweetheart? I believe with all my heart that we will be together again when I answer to my eternal call. What a day that will be. To see you again, to hold you again and to be connected spiritually, loving and living like we, or rather like I, can never imagine in this finite mind of mine.

  “I believe that you’re enjoying all that God has to offer right now. I‘m glad that he saw fit for you and me to share our love with one another. But I’m also grieving and hurting, Gavin, even now as I write tears are flowing with so much pain. I don’t think I will ever cease crying.

  “You were always loving me and doing kind, simple acts to show your love for me. As I sit here, I look over at the stuffed animals you gave me and think happily of you. Whenever I stroke and cuddle Elliston, it reminds me of your unselfish love.

  “I laugh at the thought of the famous ABC hug that you would give EJ each morning and every night. He still asks me to give him an ABC hug, and each time I do, I think of you.

  “I think about how God allowed us to share an entire lifetime together in a short span of time. We used to tell each other that it felt like we had been together all of our lives. I can hear
you tell me that you would not trade me in for a newer model until I was around, oh seventy-five.

  “When you would tell me that it would make me laugh. You even said that I thought some female out in the streets would turn you on and pull you away, but you were faithful to me. Boy, did you know me well. You knew that there were indeed times I felt that way, felt insecure. You knew me so well and understood me like no other, Gavin.

  “I can still see you and hear you now, telling me, ‘Shorty, you’re so beautiful to me. Don’t you know, girl that I will never put any woman behind you, in front of you or beside you, because I love you and you only,’ you would say.

  “I know you meant every word you said and I know that the words you spoke came from your heart. I’m not saying you were perfect, Gavin, but you were perfect for me. I wasn’t perfect either and when you were taken from me, I thought that it was because you didn’t think I loved you enough. I thought that was the real reason that you ran to the waiting arms of death. I thought that you felt it was better if you left this world; left me.

  “Oftentimes, I just sit and cry. I ask God, Why didn’t I just love you even more? Sweetheart, did I not do enough? Is that why you left me this way? When you would tell me that you would never leave me, no matter what, were you perhaps even in saying that, sensing something I could not? The answers refuse to come to me.

  “You are my beloved husband from now and throughout eternity. There will never and can never be another. We were looking forward to sharing and spending the rest of our lives together. And you know what, we did, didn’t we.

  “I see that even through my own doubts and fears, during this time, God has never forsaken me or turned his back on me. Through it all, He has wiped away my tears, tears that have overflowed from the confines of my soul. He has shared my grief.