Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts

by Shelia E. Bell

  “Grief hits me at times like a tidal wave, Gavin. It surpasses all possible understanding and brings a total numbness. It is a numbness of feelings and emotions that affects every fiber of my being, my soul, my mind and my body. It makes me void of anything and everything around me. There are times when I still feel as if your death is not real, but a dream, or better described, a vicious nightmare. There have been times when I appear to be functioning like a preprogrammed robot, not aware that I am indeed doing what needs to be done.

  “Sweetheart,” Clarye continued to write, “the pain of grief is so extreme that it causes the pit of my stomach to knot, and my heart to literally ache from its heavy weight. Everywhere I turn, in everything I do, I am aware that you, my beloved, are not with me anymore. The deep, stab wounds of Pain hit me time and time again. I literally hurt from the inside of my soul to the outside of my physical body as the deepest of grief strangles me, squeezing me like a snake squeezes its victims, ever so slowly, so carefully, so meticulously. The pain of your physical absence affects my thoughts, leaving me with feelings of loneliness, desertion, doubts and fears about the goodness and mercy of God. It brings on numbness that leaves me without feeling.

  “Gavin, my eyes still overflow with tears whenever I look in the faces of Eric, Jeremy and EJ and witness the love in their hearts for me and for you. They speak of you quite often and about the love you showered upon us.

  “Though my tears still fall, though my heart still aches, though my body still longs for the gentle touch of yours, I will remember your words my beloved, put God first. I will remember that you loved me with a love that is inconceivable.

  “I cling to the realization that even though your physical body was removed far from me, that your love and the precious memories can never be taken away from me. Thank you for allowing me to experience the greatest love of all. There is no greater expression of love, no greater love.”

  Clarye finally ended the letter.

  ”For Always, Now and Forever, Your beloved, Clarye.”

  She curled up on the sunroom sofa, clutching the journal tightly until her body answered the call of sleep.

  CHAPTER 28

  Fourteen years have now passed since that dreadful, life-altering night of Gavin’s death. Clarye’s pain continues to cut deep. Yet, the love she and Gavin shared far surpasses the hurt and pain of losing him. Clarye reminds herself constantly that Gavin is not really gone. Her beloved has not left her forever, only in the physical sense. Instead, she tells herself that he is waiting on her, on his beloved Clarye, to join him.

  And, as for Clarye Elliston? Well, she too waits in eager anticipation for that day. She believes that when her life has ended on this earth, that she will enter a place where their love will continue on a far greater level than she can ever conceive.

  She continues to express her thoughts through her writing because she believes that Gavin would want her to do so. She continues authoring one bestseller after another.

  Over the years, Clarye has yet to allow any man entrance into that vacant space in her heart. That’s not to say that the offers do not come her way from other men throughout her life, but after Gavin, Clarye closed the door to that part of her life, never allowing it to be reopened. When Gavin left her here on this earth, she knew there would never be or could never be another.

  “My husband, my lover, my man has merely moved to another realm but he will never move from my heart,” she often told Ada.

  Her sons, Eric and Jeremy, each found their soul mates and now share life and love with them. Eric continues to be Clarye’s agent.

  Jeremy, not long after Gavin’s murder, penned several books of his own, indeed following in his mother’s footsteps.

  EJ plays point guard for the Memphis Grizzlies and has yet to be smitten by the love bug.

  The men responsible for Gavin’s murder were never found. Kenya and her mother have not been seen or heard from by anyone in Gavin or Clarye’s family. The last thing that the family heard was that Kenya and Gloria had moved out of the state and that Kenya, like her mother, had become a drug addict.

  Throughout her life, Clarye experienced indescribable hurt and pain, until the day that love walked into her life and changed her life. And it is because of the unconditional love and acceptance of a man named Gavin Elliston that Clarye was finally able to let go of her ugly past.

  Even though she carries the wounds of a broken heart, the gift of Gavin’s love has made her life worth living because like Clarye Elliston will tell you, “I would rather have spent one moment in time with Gavin Elliston than to live my life without ever knowing His love at all. I can say that God truly blessed me with Gavin, because some people go through life and never experience such a gift of love.”

  So whenever Clarye finds herself sinking into despair and loneliness; when she finds that she misses Gavin something awful, and the grief begins to consume her, that’s when she simply pulls out a CD of a song that came out many, many years ago. It is written by one of the best country and western singers, Garth Brooks.

  If ever your path should happen to lead you to Clarye Elliston’s home, don’t be surprised if you hear the words of that song softly resonating from the speakers throughout her house. And when you do hear the words, stop and listen carefully; and then remember that Clarye Elliston could have missed the pain of it all. She could have missed all the pain and sorrow that she experienced in life. She could have missed it, but then she would have had to miss The Dance.

  “Thank you, God for the dance of love between Gavin and me,” Clarye often whispered when she listened to that song.

  It was early afternoon when she decided she would go outside on the huge front porch to watch her grandsons, Dion and Jermon shooting hoops. She felt blessed to have two more grandsons in her life. After a few minutes of screaming and calling fouls and accusing each other of cheating, they suddenly looked toward the porch. When they spotted their granny, the both of them forgot about basketball and took out running towards her. Straight to the arms of their Granny Clarye, they ran. They wrapped her in the grip of the infamous, ABC hug. Tears of love and joy fell softly from Clarye’s eyes as she embraced them in a circle of love.

  Now only sweet, precious memories of her knight in shining armor; her gift are embedded in her heart—and Pain has waved its final goodbye. Love no longer hurts and Clarye now understands what it means to experience love that will last Always, Now and Forever.

  WORDS FROM THE AUTHOR

  Every day there are people who live their lives fighting and struggling to work through their hurt and pain. Sometimes this pain is due to physical ailments and diseases like Clarye experienced in her life. Others wrestle with emotional and spiritual pain because of the battles they face in their lives due to numerous circumstances and situations, also like Clarye.

  Some people have been sexually abused, verbally abused and physically abused. Others have had to endure dysfunctional families, divorce, separation, child abandonment and the list goes on. There is nothing under the sun that is new. But there is a way to combat the pain that visits your life.

  It took a long time for me to learn how to love myself. Years of being tormented and mocked and ridiculed because of a physical disability set me off into a whirlwind life that was built on feelings of low self esteem, low self worth and the belief that there was no man who could ever love me, at least not for real.

  I do not know what you may be facing in your life. I have no idea what trouble, or trial you are contending with. I do not profess to know the answers, but I can tell you that because of my walk in life, my faith in God and learning that I am somebody, there has been a change in me.

  Maybe I do have some physical challenges, but we all have been born with imperfections. There is no woman, man, boy or girl that is perfect. Maybe your pain is not physical. Maybe you wrestle with depression and a wounded heart. Maybe you feel neglected and tossed aside.

  It’s time to recognize that you are worth
y. You are unique. There is no one quite like you. To receive love, you must learn how to love yourself. You must recognize that you are not a mistake. Every battle, every fight, every hardship, every heartache, every up and every down in your life is designed for a purpose.

  No one said that living this life would be easy, but it is worth the journey. Learn and believe that you can endure. Never give up. Start right now believing that you are the apple of God’s eye. Don’t dwell on past mistakes and failures. Do now allow someone else to make you feel that you are less than the next person.

  For once in my life, I feel free. I have been blessed to love and to have someone to love me, even if it was for a short time. Yet, now that I have learned to love the fantastic person that I am, I can be receptive to love and loving again.

  The same thing can happen to you. We can, you can, have a love that will last always, now and forever. I guarantee it.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Shelia E. Lipsey is a multi award winning author, professional speaker, and literary expert. Lipsey is founder and executive director of the nonprofit, Living Your Dreams Now (www.livingyourdreamsnow.net), founder and director of Memphis African American Writers Group (MAAW), regular blogger for BCNN1 (www.blackchristiannews.com), and contributing writer for EDC Creations Black Pearl Magazine (www.blackpearlmagazine.com).

  She has released the following novels through her publisher, Urban Books: Into Each Life, Sinsatiable, My Son's Wife, My Son’s Ex Wife: The Aftermath, and Beautiful Ugly. She remains on several bestselling lists including Black Expressions top 25 and top 100 bestselling lists, Black Christian Fiction Independent bestsellers lists multiple times for each one of her titles, as well as Black Christian Fiction National bestsellers’ list for each of her titles. Lipsey’s novels can be purchased at bookstores nationwide and at online stores.

  Lipsey was presented the 2010 Pink Diamond Award from the National Book club SistahFriend. My Son’s Ex Wife: The Aftermath was named one of the Best Books of 2010 by Sankofa Literary Society. My Son’s Wife won the SORMAG Readers’ Choice in several categories including Author of the Year and Book of the Year. She was also awarded 2009 Top Shelf Award from EDC Creations for Beautiful Ugly. Lipsey is one of eight contributing authors featured in Bended Knees Anthology, published by Hollygrove Publishing. Her title in the anthology is Against the Grain. Lipsey’s sixth and seventh titles, My Son’s Next Wife will be released June 1, 2011, followed by her seventh title True Beauty in December 2011. Always, Now and Forever Love Hurts was originally published and printed in 2000.

  To arrange speaking events, book signings,

  and or workshops please contact the author at

  books@shelialipsey.com;

  shelialipsey@yahoo.com

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  Website

  www.PerfectStoriesAboutImperfectPeople.com