by Lynsey James
‘I heard you were good at running away. Guess they were right,’ she said.
‘Yup that’s me; the permanent runaway who ruins decent people’s lives. Well I won’t be around to do it for much longer. I’ve been offered a job in London and if I take it, I’ll have my old life back and you’ll never have to see me again.’
I stormed out of the pub, feeling more and more like a massive bag of crap with each step I took.
‘You don’t know how good you have it!’ I heard Nicole shout from behind me.
‘Oh yeah – I’m living in a village where most people either think I’m a joke or someone who caused her best friend to have a life-changing accident, and the man I’ve fallen head-over-heels for is back with the mother of his child. You’re right, things are just peachy aren’t they?’
She snorted and did a slow walk towards me that I guessed was to make some kind of point.
‘You’ve got a family who loves you, a beautiful cottage right by the beach and a bloke who’d love you for the rest of his life if you’d let him. I on the other hand haven’t seen or heard from my family for nearly a year simply because they can’t be arsed with me. I live in a tiny little flat miles away from here and have to get three buses a day just to get to work. So next time you think your life’s so shit Lucy, just remember there are people worse off than you.’
My status as Massive Bag of Crap was now set in stone. I felt my heart sink to my shoes and every inch of me began to cringe inwards. Nicole was right; I’d been too busy thinking life had crapped all over me that I didn’t notice anyone else’s problems. My shoulders slumped and I let out a sigh. I was pretty sure it wasn’t possible for me to feel any worse than I did now.
‘I’m sorry Nicole.’ I swallowed the lump in my throat, taking all my pride with it. ‘You’re right, I’m so busy thinking about what’s going wrong in my life and looking for escape routes, I can’t see all the good stuff I have right in front of me. Maybe that’s why I end up pushing it all away without realising it: I just don’t know how to appreciate good stuff when I have it.’
Nicole looked taken aback to find me agreeing with her. I was pretty shocked myself, but she hadn’t said anything that wasn’t true.
‘I think I’ve probably caused enough damage here to last about five lifetimes, so maybe going back to London will be the best thing for everyone.’ I said, my heart a leaden weight in my chest.
‘Or you could actually stick around this time and put things right? People might be pissed off now but they won’t be forever. You love it here don’t you?’
I nodded. ‘This place, it’s… It’s in my blood and that’ll never change. But sometimes, no matter how much you want to belong somewhere, you just don’t. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just the way it is. If I stick around here, I’ll always be reminded of what I could’ve had if I’d been a little bit braver. Every time I go to The Purple Partridge and don’t see Jake behind the bar, it’ll smack me in the face all over again. If I go back to London, I at least stand a chance of forgetting him.’
The words stung as they came out of my mouth. They were totally at odds with how I felt inside, but the only way I’d get through this was pretending I didn’t care and protecting myself as much as possible.
Nicole shook her head and scoffed in disgust. ‘Lucy, nobody gets out of here alive; you have to take your chances where you can. Stepping aside gets you nowhere in life. If you go back to London, everything you’ve done here will have been for nothing. I know we haven’t exactly seen eye to eye, but you’ve made a real difference here.’
I could feel a lump growing in my throat. If someone who didn’t like me was telling me to stay, maybe I ought to listen, I said to myself. But my reasons for leaving far outweighed the ones to stay. So as sad as I was to be leaving my favourite place behind, it had to be done.
‘Luna Bay’s changed me too,’ I replied, ‘and for the better. But not only has Maggie Cunningham made it plain she doesn’t want me around, I’d have the memories of what Jake and I had together to contend with whenever I set foot in the village. Back to the big bad city for me, I think.’
With a final sad smile, I took off towards Rose Cottage. The sense of what I’d already lost and what I’d soon be giving up hit me like a sucker punch to the stomach. I’d been so full of hope about staying in Luna Bay, but now it had all fallen apart around me.
Chapter Twenty-Five
After two more days, a lot of funny looks from Luna Bay’s residents and even more soul searching, I decided to accept Helen’s offer. As much as I loved Luna Bay, I didn’t feel like I could stay. My involvement in Vicky’s tragic fate had spread far and wide and I was now the subject of gossip wherever I went. The Broken Hearts Book Club stood by me and tried to dispel rumours or mutated versions of events wherever they could, but public opinion still remained the same: I wasn’t welcome.
To say Helen was happy was an understatement.
‘AHHHHH THAT’S AMAZING NEWS!’ she screamed down the phone after I told her I’d be taking the job. ‘How soon can you start?’
‘Well I’ve got some stuff to sort here –’
‘A week today it is then! See you then, bye!’
Helen cut the call before I could mention anything about putting Rose Cottage on the market or saying goodbye to everyone. Now that I’d accepted the offer and everything was all official, it was time to say goodbye to Luna Bay once and for all. I’d done my three months as leader of the Broken Hearts Book Club. Nana Lily’s wishes had been fulfilled and now I was going to leave.
But not before I tied up a few loose ends.
Continuing with my theme of ‘putting things right’, I decided to finish off Operation Broken Hearts Book Club by helping Diane. I’d managed to give the other members a helping hand and I wanted to try and do the same for her. My first attempt hadn’t covered me in glory, so I wanted to have another crack of the whip. Since I only had a week left before my new job in London started, I had to get my arse into gear.
I strolled into the Moonlight Café just before closing time and found her standing behind the counter, wiping down counters and cleaning up after a day’s trading.
‘Hi Diane.’
The sound of my voice made her jump and she didn’t look particularly happy to see me.
‘Oh it’s you. What can I do for you? Is there something wrong with the club?’
‘No, nothing like that… I’ve been offered my old job back in London.’
Her expression changed from one of suspicion to one of curiosity.
‘Oh? And you’ve decided to take it, I presume?’
‘Yeah. I think after everything that’s happened, the least I can do is sod off back to London and leave everyone here alone!’
I laughed but Diane didn’t reciprocate. Instead, she came out from behind the counter and pulled up a chair at the nearest table. She was deathly silent for a moment, looking anywhere but at me. The weight of things left unsaid hung in the air and I wondered what could be coming next. Then her eyes came to rest on me and she opened her mouth to say something.
‘It’s dawned on me that maybe I wasn’t entirely fair on you when you first came back here. I gave way too much weight to Maggie’s version of events without stopping to think it might not be entirely true because she’s still so consumed with grief. I let myself believe that you were entirely to blame for what happened to Vicky, but I’ve come to realise I was wrong. I’ve seen what you’ve done for Jean, Frank, Cath and Denise and how happy Jake was when he was with you. You’ve become a real part of things round here, what with trying to save the pub and joining the book club. And I for one will be really sad to see you go.’
‘Even though my attempt at helping you caused you to find out that Derek had fathered a child twenty-five years ago?’
She heaved a sigh and gave me a wistful smile. ‘You weren’t to know I’d find those letters. I overreacted because it meant my husband wasn’t as infallible as I’d believed he was. Fi
nding that out meant he was human and had made mistakes in the past. It made me realise that it’s time to move on and–’ she took a deep breath, ‘–that scares the life out of me. I’ve been grieving for so long that I don’t know how to do or be anything else. I took it out on you and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry Lucy.’
I blushed and shifted from foot to foot. ‘Diane, it means so much to hear you say that, especially since we didn’t quite get off on the right foot when I came back here. I actually wanted to help you like I helped the others; that’s why I’ve come.’
‘Really?’ She gave a little smile. ‘What do you have in mind?’
***
Luna Bay beach was bathed in a glorious twilight when we got there. Colours ranging from butter yellow to soft pink were scattered across the sky as the sun sank behind the cliffs, turning them into jagged black silhouettes.
‘What are we doing here?’ Diane asked, looking around her for signs of suspicious activity.
I reached into my bag and pulled out a deflated balloon and a piece of white string.
‘I’m going to help you say goodbye to Derek. You said yourself that since you found out about Emily, you feel like it’s time to move on. So why don’t you use this opportunity to put everything to rest? Then you can start a whole new chapter of your life, but take Derek with you in your heart. Sound good?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m ready to yet.’
I blew the balloon up, tied it with string and handed it to her.
‘Only let this go if you’re ready to move on. If you aren’t, then don’t.’
Her hands clasped the string tightly, anchoring the red balloon to earth while gusts of wind tried to prise it away from her.
‘C-can I say a few words first? That might help me see if I’m ready to do this or not.’
‘Whatever you need,’ I replied with a smile.
Diane took a deep breath as she readied herself to speak.
‘Oh Derek Simpson, you silly wazzock! First you go and die on me after forty bloody years then I find out you fathered a child. You always did know how to surprise me, didn’t you, to keep me on my toes and guessing what your next move might be. I certainly didn’t think you were capable of something like this.’
She stopped for a minute and twisted the string around her fingers, like she was considering her next words carefully. I watched with intrigue.
‘Emily wants to meet me, you know; she wants to find out what you were like as a person since she didn’t get the chance to know you like I did. I’ve thought long and hard about whether I’ll do it and if I do, what I’ll say to her. After a lot of to-ing and fro-ing I think I’ve finally figured it out.’
Diane looked up at the balloon bobbing around in the breeze and smiled, as though this had given her the answers she so desperately craved.
‘First I’ll tell her what you looked like; that you liked to think of yourself as Robert De Niro when really you were more like Albert Steptoe! Just kidding. Then I think I’ll tell her how you loved. Yeah that seems about right. I’ll say that when you loved, you did so with all your heart. That if someone ever needed help, you were right there offering to do whatever you could. I know that better than anyone else; you were helping out a mate the day you died on that bloody cricket pitch! I’ll mention how kind you were and that although your jokes were terrible, you were still the funniest man I knew. I’m going to tell her about all the ways you drove me up the wall, with your stubbornness and your inability to read a bloody map or find your glasses! But do you know what’ll be the most important thing I let Emily know?’
Her words caught in her throat and she turned to me with tears in her eyes. It broke my heart to see her so sad but I knew we were doing the right thing.
‘I… I-I’ll tell her that you were the best man in the world and that it’s a tragedy she didn’t get to know you, because you were the best father and husband anybody could want! And I’ll make sure she knows just how great a dad you would’ve been if you’d had the chance.’
I walked over to her and put my hand on her shoulder.
‘I’m letting you go now Derek. I’ll be keeping you in my heart and memory for as long as I live, but I need to start trying to build a life for myself again. I love you, you wazzock. Goodbye for now.’
Her hands opened and the balloon was carried away on the breeze. It rose higher and higher in the sky until it floated over the cliffs out of sight.
‘That was really nice Diane,’ I said, my words choked out in a hoarse little whisper. ‘How do you feel?’
She turned to look at me. ‘Like something new is about to start. Thanks for this Lucy. You don’t know how much I appreciate it.’
For the first time since I’d come back to Luna Bay, Diane genuinely smiled at me.
***
My little family unit – Mum, Dad, George and Elle – mounted numerous protests to get me not to go. They hid various items of clothing, my laptop, my phone and Elle even unpacked my suitcase for me.
‘Desperate times call for desperate measures,’ she said, staring up at me with innocent eyes while she sat on top of it.
‘Come on, you can help me with this.’ I motioned to her to get off the suitcase and opened it to start repacking. ‘Since you decided to put everything back in its place.’
‘Are you sure this is the right thing?’ she asked, rooting around in drawers for stuff she’d taken out. ‘Going back to London, I mean.’
‘I’ve caused nothing but trouble here Elle; of course it’s the right thing. I know I eventually helped the Broken Hearts Book Club, but look how much damage I did beforehand. I nearly alienated everyone, broke up a marriage and ruined a thirty-year friendship. Good going for a month, eh?’
She sighed and shook her head. ‘You really don’t see what you mean to people, do you? I came back from travelling still feeling like a sack of shit because of what happened, but as soon as I saw you again none of that mattered. You made me realise that I have to stop beating myself up and you didn’t judge me for still carrying it round with me after all this time.’
‘Because I’ve been carrying it around as well!’ I laughed, although nothing was funny. ‘I was in no position to judge anyone.’
Elle continued through gritted teeth. ‘Ever since you’ve been back in my life, I’ve been more confident, happier and at peace with myself. I spent eight years hating myself after what happened to Vicky, but you reminded me that I needed to give myself a break and put the past behind me. You need to do that yourself.’
I thought about telling her it wasn’t that easy, that the Vicky thing being public knowledge had changed everything and that I had to leave.
But I didn’t. Because I knew that wasn’t the real reason I was leaving. It was the easier reason, but deep down I knew it wasn’t true.
I was leaving to escape the broken heart that had been entirely of my own making.
Mum and Dad insisted on taking me out for a goodbye meal a few days before I was due to leave. Dad looked worse than ever, but promised us he was fine to come out for a while.
We went to a nice little seafood restaurant that sat a couple of miles outside Luna Bay. There was a distinctly sombre tinge to the affair, since they plainly didn’t want me to go.
We sat through plates of prawn cocktail, salmon fishcakes and mandarin cheesecake and talked about everything but my impending return to London. The weather, the Broken Hearts Book Club: everything was up for discussion apart from my departure. It was the elephant in the room and I could tell all of us wanted to say something about it. Especially Mum, who kept coming over all misty-eyed and excusing herself to go to the toilet to compose herself.
Around halfway through, Jake and Rachel walked in, looking as loved-up as ever. He was grinning like a schoolboy, but stopped as soon as his eyes met mine. She’d caught sight of me too and dragged him off to their table as soon as possible. I guessed their meal wouldn’t be a pleasant one now she’d seen him looking at me
.
Near the end of the meal, Dad ordered an expensive bottle of champagne and stood to make a toast. Beads of sweat had formed on his brow and his skin was an odd grey colour. His breathing was laboured and he had to wipe his face with a napkin before he started to speak.
‘I know I promised there wouldn’t be any embarrassing speeches, but I just wanted to wish you every success in your new job in London. You know your mum and I would love you to stay here, but you have to do what makes you happy in life.’
I nodded and pursed my lips. I knew he was right, but I wasn’t sure moving back to London was following his advice. I’d had second, third and fourth thoughts but had managed to bat them away by reminding myself of the damage I’d caused and that Luna Bay would be better off without me.
All of a sudden, it became apparent something was very wrong. Dad gasped and began clutching his left arm, his face twisted into a painful grimace.
‘Dave, what’s wrong?’ Mum asked, her face draining of colour. ‘Are you all right?’
What followed next happened extremely quickly, yet somehow in slow motion too: Dad collapsing onto the floor, bodies swarming around him, then silence punctuated by a blood-curdling scream.
Chapter Twenty-Six
The doctors called it a myocardial infarction. What that basically meant was that, due to years of bad eating habits and stress, my dad’s heart had suddenly stopped pumping blood the way it was supposed to.
As soon as they’d got Dad to hospital, he’d been whisked off to the awaiting crash team who resuscitated him and then wheeled him off to theatre for surgery. The doctors didn’t know how long it would take and used terrifying words like ‘if’ and ‘maybe’ and ‘we’re doing everything we can’. I’d seen enough episodes of Holby City in my time to know that was no guarantee he’d pull through.
Mum and I clung to each other as we waited for news, tears running down our faces and small, scared sobs breaking free from our bodies. Elle and George were at home, waiting for us to call with news. The sounds of the hospital played out around us: the beeping of ECG machines, doctors being called on the Tannoy, trolleys with patients on them being pushed frantically from ward to ward. Life and death were happening right here, right now and the thought terrified me. There was a chance we’d never see my dad again. We might never get to tell him we loved him or share funny jokes again. I felt more scared than I’d ever been in my life.
