This is Me

by Nikki Mathis Thompson

  You wanna know what I was thankful for this Turkey day?

  Leaving!

  ~Dear God, it's me, Charlie. I solemnly swear, on my quasi-virgin vagina, that I will not nag my kids within an inch of their lives.

  Amen and shalom. (Always good to cover your bases.)

  *There was a high point: Seeing Great Aunt Verna pass out into the jell-o mold. That happens when you have four glasses of wine before the bird's been carved.

  I LOVED seeing my brother and my girls. I was sad to leave them, but if the trade-off is a nag free existence, then I'll take the latter hands down. Done and done!

  School is going good. I have a 4.0 so far, but I have to make it through finals. There are a couple that are going to be really hard. For my English final I have to write an original piece. It can be a short story, poem, whatever. I'm leaning towards a poem. I've been playing around with some lines.

  The inspiration for my poem may or may not be about a guy, I may or may not be able to get out of my head...

  Fuck, I'm pathetic.

  Chapter 23

  ~Michael~

  They were about an hour away from school and Michael was starting to get antsy. He tried to focus on the music, but George Strait crooning about love wasn't helping. And his brother'd been playing him the whole damn drive.

  Being back home had been fun. He got to see his folks and hang with his buds. There were a ton of parties. He'd gotten really drunk at one, which led to a very heavy petting session with Morgan Jeffries. He'd hoped he would feel something, anything, but the only emotion that came over him was guilt and disappointment. Why did he feel guilty? Why would he feel bad about kissing someone else when he'd yet to kiss her? It made no fucking sense and he was going crazy.

  His mind was all over the place. Not all over the place, one place. He couldn't wait to get back. He needed to see her. Did he have to wait until Tuesday? Hell no, that was too long. He would just happen to be walking in front of the math building tomorrow after her mid-morning class. Maybe invite her to lunch. Everyone's gotta eat, right?

  "Dude! What is with you? You've been bouncing your fucking leg up and down since Longview. It's annoying as hell!"

  "Sorry. I'm just anxious to get back to school is all. I have a paper due." It was the first thing that came to his mind. "Can we change this shit, please? It's depressing me."

  "Sure bro, relax. Pick one." Michael grabbed the CDs and found the most unromantic one he could fine. Pretty Hate Machine was as love free as it got. He pressed play, feeling a little better.

  "By the way, I'm not buying the whole paper due bullshit...It's a girl." Michael started to protest. "Save it. I've been twisted over a chick enough times to know the signs." Should he get it off his chest? Maybe his brother could give him some advice? He decided he didn't have anything to lose, so he spilled.

  And the sage advice was... "Stop being a pussy and tell her how you feel."

  Eloquent? No.

  Spot on? Yes.

  "Why don't you ask her to winter formal? Girls love getting dressed up and slow dancing. You'll get laid for sure, little bro."

  "Shit, I'd forgotten about that stupid thing...Anyway Chad, it's not about getting laid." His brother sniffed. "Okay, it's always about getting laid. But it's more than that. I like her and more than just a roll, ya know?"

  "Yeah, bro...I know. So what are you doing? If she's as amazing as you say she is, you'd better stake your claim or someone else will. I've never seen you timid about girls. It's kind of cute." His voice went sweet and he ruffled Michael's hair.

  "Fuck off."

  There she was. He'd had about a dozen more dreams about her and he could never get the details right. The soft brown of her eyes, the dark cinnamon of her hair.

  What the fuck? Cinnamon?

  Just rip off your rod too while you're at it...Shit.

  "Hey, Michael!" She hugged him and she smelled amazing, like always. She seemed really excited to see him, even more amazing. Now he was excited since she pressed her sweet tits against him.

  "How was your holiday?" she asked.

  "It was okay. You know went to some parties, ate too much, got smothered by my mom."

  Thought of you pretty much every second.

  "You get you some hometown hookups, Barton?" Shane asked. Michael was so focused on Charlie that he didn't even notice that he'd joined them.

  "Well, did you?" Great, now Charlie was asking.

  Lie lie lie lie lie.

  "Not really."

  Not really? Not really? The answer is N-O, dumb ass.

  She raised her eyebrow at him and bit the side of her lip.

  "What about you?" he asked.

  "Me? No. Just hung out with my girls. There were some good parties, though."

  "Well, I got me plenty. Those high school girls were dying to get their hands on some college cock."

  "Shane, I thought you had standards. I saw you with Lana Isles. Fucking gross. She has a Ph.D in blow jobs." Charlie rolled her eyes. Michael loved annoyed Charlie, especially when it wasn't directed at him.

  "Yeah, she does!" Shane smirked and then groaned when Charlie punched him in the gut.

  "Come on Chuck, you know you're the only girl I want to fu..." Another punch.

  "Finish that rhyme and see what happens."

  "Just kidding, damn. Say you forgive me." Shane put his arm around her shoulder and kissed her head. Michael wanted to knock his ass out.

  "Forgiven. You are charming in a demented way." She hugged him back, god damn it! He wanted them, no needed them to stop touching.

  "Have you seen Trent's new girlfriend? She's smokin' hot," Shane said. That pissed Michael off. He thought it was insensitive to talk about Trent's new hot girlfriend —and she was really hot—in front of Charlie.

  His voice was soft when he asked her, "You okay? The whole new girlfriend thing?"

  She held his gaze and said, "It doesn't bother me, not even a little. I've moved on and I'm glad he has too." She smiled at him, making his chest warm and his pulse quicken, and you guessed it...

  "It helps that she's not a stuck up bitch," Shane added. They all laughed.

  "Yeah, Shane, that helps a lot. In fact, she's really sweet. Trent has a good heart, so I'm not surprised." Charlie seemed sincere and it made Michael's day to know Trent was out of the way. Now if he could just get Shane hooked up or transferred to a school in Tibet...

  "Hey, you want to come to the formal with Charlie and me? I think Donovan asked some girl from his Geology class. Trent's bringing Adrianna. You have a date yet?" Michael wasn't seeing red, he was seeing some color only found on the surface of the sun.

  Charlie must have sensed it because she put her hand on his arm and smiled. "Please come, it'll be fun. I'm sure you already have a date." She pulled her hand back and looked at the ground.

  "Yeah, I have a few options." He cringed at the cocky sound of his voice. This day had so much promise and it was turning to shit, fast.

  "I figured." Again she was looking at the ground. What was with that? At this moment he wanted to be anywhere but here. He knew Shane and Charlie were just friends, but he'd had a plan. He was going to ask her to the formal and sweep her off her feet. Now he had to ask some random to go.

  "I'll catch you guys later." He turned to go and stopped when Charlie called to him. "But I thought you said you were hungry. Don't you want to go grab a bite?" He looked back and took in the shirt pulled tight against her chest and the jeans that hugged her hips. She was so gorgeous and she was the only one he wanted to take to that stupid formal. And no, he did not want to eat right now.

  "Nah, not so hungry anymore." He turned and walked away. He knew he as being a baby about the whole thing. He could feel her staring at his back, but he kept walking.

  And to add insult to infantile, he skipped their class on Tuesday morning.

  Chapter 24

  ~Charlie~

  "No, he's not going with us. Shane said he was going with his date, alone
." Charlie was setting her dress on the bed while holding the phone between her ear and shoulder.

  "Shit, that sucks," Jess said.

  "I know. I hope he knows Shane and I are just friends. I didn't even want to go to this stupid thing, but Shane begged. I thought Michael might ask me, but...oh well. Not a big deal."

  "Uh huh, right. Not a big deal. I hear the tears in your voice."

  "Jess, I never understood that. How can you hear tears? And I'm not crying. It's frustrating is all. Just when I think we're going to get our shit together something happens."

  "Like you going to the formal with Shane, instead of him?" Jess had a way of getting to the truth of matters and right now it was the last thing she needed.

  "Jess, they've known about this all semester. I know guys procrastinate, but come on. Shane asked me Monday, the formal is tonight. I mean, how much time did Michael need?"

  "Honestly, C, he probably wasn't even thinking about it. Lame fraternity formal, not even on his radar. Did you at least find a cute dress?"

  Charlie took out her shoes and stockings. "Yes, it is pretty cute. I hit the mall yesterday."

  "Oh good. Black I'm sure." Charlie laughed. "Yes, it's black...I wish you could have come up and gone with Donovan." She took the towel that was wrapped around her head and ran her fingers through the tangled locks. Girls could do just about anything while talking on the phone.

  "I know, but I had to work. If I'm gonna make it to Europe, I have to work every weekend. Just relax and enjoy yourself. You'll find a way to tell Michael how you feel. It just won't be tonight. Have faith, Charlene."

  Charlie barked with laughter. "Jess, I think your imitation of my mom is even better than mine." She glanced at the digital clock on her nightstand. "Oh shit, gotta go. They're picking me up in forty-five minutes."

  "Have a great time. And Charlie...don't worry. It'll all work itself out."

  "Thanks, Jess. I love you, friend."

  "Love you."

  Charlie hung up the phone with a sigh. She ran her fingers over the soft fabric of her dress. It was pretty cute and it was fun to get fancy sometimes. She hadn't gotten all gussied up since prom. That dress had been dark turquoise taffeta with sequins and pouffy sleeves. Yes, it was mother approved. She'd gone with Trent, of course. He'd won Prom King. Charlie was nominated but Gabby Truman won instead. She'd been relieved. The last thing she wanted to do was dance with that dumb ass crown on her head in front of the whole senior class. They didn't have sex that night either. Charlie thought losing your virginity on prom night was about as cliché as getting engaged on Valentine's Day. So they all got a huge suite as a group. They listened to music and played drinking games. Bridgette got into a drunken tear-filled fight with her boyfriend, which ended with them in one of the bedrooms for the remainder of the night. Besides that little bit if drama it was a blast.

  Her dress for tonight was much more subdued, much more her. Black fitted velvet with small capped sleeves. It hit her just above the knees. She slid on her sheer black hose and walked over to the mirror where she grabbed her brush and hair dryer. She admired the black lace bra and matching panties she'd picked up. It wasn't for anyone to see necessarily. It was just for her. Her mom never let her buy anything but white cotton and girly prints, saying black was for harlots and strippers.

  "But Mom, what about the black lace bustier I found in your dresser drawer?"

  She'd wanted to say that, but she kept her mouth shut.

  Charlie hoped one day she would be able to always say what was on her mind.

  "Whoa, Chuck, you look beautiful." Shane whistled and helped her with her coat.

  "You look pretty beautiful yourself." He was wearing a black suit with a thin striped tie, his hair brushed back. He could have been in a magazine.

  "Now why would a foxy guy such as yourself want to take a friend to his formal? You could've gotten yourself some action." She was teasing, but it was true.

  "Don't you worry about me. I get action all the time. I have to go to this thing because I'm in the fraternity. I just wanted to pick someone I would have the best time with. Until I meet Ms. Right, that person is you. You're my favorite girl. In fact you're more like a dude with tits." She laughed and slid into the front seat of his car.

  "You try to tongue all the dudes you know?"

  "I did mention you had tits, right? Whole different ballgame, Chuck."

  They went to the fraternity house to meet the rest of their group. Donovan cleaned up nicely, his date tucked under his arm. She was tiny compared to him, but then again most people were. Trent looked gorgeous and so did his statuesque girlfriend. Charlie kept waiting for some twinge of regret or jealousy, but neither were anywhere to be found. The only regret she was feeling was that Michael wasn't with them. But seeing him draped on another girl wouldn't exactly be a good time, so maybe it was for the best.

  After a toast they hopped in the cab.

  Their little crew checked their coats and found a table in the corner of the large beige walled ballroom. The guys had to make their rounds a little and mingle with their fraternity brothers, which left her playing with the white table cloth while making small talk with Trent's girlfriend Adrianna and Donovan's date Amy. They were both sweet. Amy had a sarcastic streak which made her even more endearing. Charlie was having a good enough time. But pretending not to see Michael was taking up all of her energy. Also she felt uncomfortable, like she didn't belong, despite being surrounded by friends. It was a little like being inside a ring of dolphins in shark filled waters. That had everything to do with the group of frenemies from her high school that were in a tight cluster throwing glances her way. The bright material of their gaudy dresses was like a beacon, drawing her eye while turning her stomach. They were all in the sorority she was supposed to pledge. Watching them now, she knew she'd made the right decision. It just wasn't for her.

  She slow danced with Shane a few times and two-stepped with Donovan. She felt safe with them and they made her laugh, so that helped her block out her unease. The guy she really wanted to dance with had yet to ask. In fact he'd been ignoring her completely. If there's anything girls do best it's overanalyze, and boy was he giving her material to stew over tonight.

  Why is he ignoring me? Is he mad at me? What did I do? Should I go talk to him? Should I pretend he doesn't exist? I wish he would look at me.

  Look at me, look at me, look at me...Maybe he hates my dress. Does he think Shane and I are together? Oh god, I hope not. He looks so cute.

  Please come talk to me, please...

  When Shane passed her a flask of something that smelled like rubbing alcohol, she took a nice long pull. After the coughing subsided, the warmth in her belly eased the tension in her shoulders. She decided that if Michael was going to act like he didn't know her, well then screw him. She didn't need this shit from him, or from anyone, for that matter. The screw you mantra continued until she felt a light touch. Looking over her shoulder her eyes confirmed what her body already suspected. It was Michael.

  "Can I have this dance?"

  Without speaking, she stood and took his hand. He twined his fingers into hers, guiding her to the center of the room. He circled her with his arms, she clasped her hands around his neck. Close up, she could really appreciate the hotness that was Michael. It wasn't the flagrant hot, like Trent or even Shane. It was the subtle kind that grew on a girl through conversations and laughter. The kind that once you see them in that light, it takes root in the heart. Consider her heart rooted.

  They were almost nose to nose which, forced her to put her cheek near his mouth. The aftershave on his skin made her want to inhale for infinity. The way he held her made her feel like he was the only dance partner she ever wanted. Was this love? It was different than anything she'd ever experienced. She'd had crushes and been in deep before, but this...this was something else. The click that let's you open a lock box.

  "I love this song. It reminds me of you," he whispered against her temple.
<
br />   "It does?" She asked without pulling away. Then she listened to the words. The fact that any song reminded him of her had her a bit stunned.

  "Your eyes are an amazing brown." He started to hum softly.

  "Won't your date mind?...You dancing with me."

  "What date?"

  The charge that flew threw her body almost made her shudder. She pulled back and looked at him.

  "Aren't you going to ask me if my date minds?"

  He smiled smugly.

  "Nope."

  She smiled back and put her temple back against his cheek.

  The song ended too soon. He thanked her for the dance and walked her off the small parquet floor. "I'll talk to you later, okay?" Charlie nodded and he walked towards a group of friends. Dancers crowded the space in front of her as an upbeat song boomed from the speakers. She stood at the edge of the floor, having a deer in the headlights kind of moment. She wasn't sure what she'd been expecting. Okay, maybe she expected him to take her in his arms and kiss the shit out of her.

  Feeling more confused than ever she made her way to the restroom. Was he playing with her? Maybe this was a game to him. Maybe he was laughing about it with all of his buddies. She locked herself in the stall and sat down. The warmth she'd felt in his arms had turned to a clammy ache. Maybe Jess was right. Maybe they were both being idiots. She thought Michael knew how she felt, but how? Had she gone right out and told him? No. Had she ever asked him how he felt about her? No.

  "Did you see her dress? She looks like she's going to a funeral." Charlie pulled her feet up a little and peered through the crack between the door. She knew the group of girls that had walked in. Who were they talking about? One guess.

  I got this dress at Neiman's, you fashion stunted nitwits.

  "I know. What's with all the black, anyway?" another one snipped.

  "Did you see her with her bed buddies? I heard she's sleeping with all of them. Sometimes all at once."

  "I wondered why they all follow her around like she's God's gift to men. Figures."