Smoke and Mirrors

by M. Mabie

  Just as I was draining the water off the pasta, Delaney, Smokie, and Aaron came in the front door.

  “Well, hello everyone.”

  Delaney walked up beside me. “Smokie and Aaron are eating with us because Smokie likes spaghetti.”

  “I think we have plenty,” I humored her and then she was gone.

  While the Dalmatian sniffed around, followed closely by my daughter, Aaron leaned against the doorjamb and kicked off his shoes.

  Our tiny house had never felt so full. The Italian smells from dinner hung in the air. The sound of Del laughing and paws on my wood floor made me smile. The sight of Aaron neatly pairing his golf shoes on the rug, like that’s where they belonged, swept me up in the moment.

  It was what happy, truly happy, felt like.

  “Dinner is ready, Madame. Can you please go wash your hands?”

  “Okay. Come on, Smokie. I’ll show you where the bathroom is. I’m starving.” She ran off with the dog on her heels.

  “How’d it go?” I asked Aaron as he came into the kitchen and headed to the sink to wash up. He looked good in my kitchen.

  “She did great for her first time. Her swing isn’t too bad at all.” He looked over his shoulder and puckered his lips as he soaped up. It was easy to close the few steps between us and indulge him.

  “She talk your ear off?”

  His eyes grew large and he nodded.

  “That bad, huh?” I reached into a drawer and handed him a clean towel to dry off with.

  “She’s funny and smart,” he claimed, but for some reason he looked like he was holding something back.

  “What?” Only the good Lord knew what had come out of her mouth.

  He took the towel and dried, leaning against the sink in front of the window where he always left my treasures.

  “She wanted to know if we kiss.”

  I tried to hold my amusement in, because his tone and face were so serious, but I would’ve loved to watch him squirm out of that one.

  Oh, to be a fly on a golf cart.

  “I told her that we would talk to you about it.” Finally, he grinned, looking relieved. “Then I told her Smokie was coming over and she dropped it.”

  “Bait and switch,” I teased. “Wise move.” I nodded at the table and he took a seat while I pulled the bread out of the hot oven.

  “God, this smells really good,” he said off topic, but then he found his train of thought. “Anyway, don’t be surprised if she brings it up. I told her I like you, but I really didn’t know what else to say or not say.”

  I kind of felt bad for him. Here I’d been the one worried about talking to her about it, wondering when would be the right time, and it was him she’d dropped the bomb on.

  I put the pans on the table and tossed the bread in a napkin-lined bowl.

  “Something to drink? Tea? Water?” I grabbed a few bottles for Delaney and myself.

  He saw them and answered, “Water is perfect.”

  He’d taken a seat at the middle of the table, not the end, so I sat across from him and passed out the bottles, loosening the cap on Delaney’s.

  She came back into the room, examined the seating arrangement, which was a little different from how we normally sat, but she smiled when she pulled out the chair at the head of the table.

  “Did you have fun golfing?”

  “Yeah. I used pink clubs, but they were for kids. The golf carts go fast and you can drive them all over the grass and sometimes on the tiny roads.” She sat on her knees to see the table better.

  “Go ahead,” I said to Aaron so he’d fix his plate. It pleased me that he was looking at the basic meal like it was a feast. I didn’t have to tell him twice, and he dug in, piling a hill of noodles on his plate and topping it with sauce.

  Del watched too and when I grabbed her plate to fix next, she instructed, “I want mine like that.” Then she pointed to his.

  “I thought you liked it separate?” I alleged. Since the time she began eating spaghetti she’d only liked the noodles plain and the sauce to dip her bread in.

  “No. I like it that way now.”

  “Okay,” I answered. I gave her one last chance to change her mind, holding the spoonful of marinara over her noodles before topping them.

  She nodded, and I did what she asked. Sometimes you just don’t need to ask why. I’d been trying to get her to try it like that forever, but seeing Aaron do it just once had her convinced it was time for a change.

  Go figure.

  Dinner went off without a hitch. Almost like he ate over at our house every night.

  We gave Smokie a plate of the leftovers, which Aaron said was a real treat because he only got people food on special occasions, but it felt like one.

  He ate it outside under the carport as we took turns playing tic-tac-toe with the chalk I’d brought in from the front. When the wind picked up and it began to thunder, we cleaned up and headed inside. That was the one and only time I realized Aaron was wearing his radio. It buzzed and I heard some talking in codes, but he assured me it wasn’t a call for him and turned it down.

  I was glad it wasn’t a fire or some other emergency because I didn’t want him to leave. He had a great way of showing both Delaney and I attention, and I hoped I was doing as well juggling my focus between them.

  To be honest, it was a damn good time. Chilling at my house, supper cleaned up, my kid giggling and playing—not watching TV or playing on her iPad—Aaron only an arm’s length away, and I realized if I didn’t fight it, it would be easy to get used to.

  So right there I decided I wouldn’t.

  It felt right. Felt good for my kid. Good for me.

  There were many nights when I’d prayed and bargained with God to give me a night like the one I was having. I’d be damned if I’d spoil it with worry and what ifs. They’d all be there the next day, but that night I wasn’t having it, dammit.

  I wasn’t going to wreck a fun evening—heck, fun day—for Del. Any night where she got to stay up later and finish a movie was a good night for her, and since it was Aaron’s idea and school was starting soon enough—there’d be plenty of other nights to fight about bed time—she watched it all the way to the credits.

  “It’s actually a good movie,” he admitted when I turned off the TV.

  Delaney’s head fell to the side. “See, I told you. It’s really popular.”

  Popular. How would she know what was popular. Where did she get that stuff? She knew seven people on the planet and I doubt any of them cared about being popular. It made me laugh.

  “I can see why,” he replied in earnest. His conviction made me laugh even harder.

  “Okay, are you ready for a story?” I asked, avoiding the real issue. I didn’t fight her on going to bed, but I wasn’t saying the word if I didn’t have to. I wasn’t falling for that meltdown that night. I knew better.

  “We’re going to have to make it a quick one tonight, Mom. I’m tired.”

  God is so good.

  Before the winds of change could fail me, I said, “Okay, tell Aaron good night and thank him for golf, and then put on your pajamas. I’ll be right there.”

  She got off the couch, where the two of us had sat, and walked over to Aaron in the chair at the other side of the room. In my opinion, he’d been too far away, but it kind of made me want to do dirty things to him that he was honorable enough to do it on his own.

  “Thanks for taking me golfing, and buying me drinks, and playing with me, and watching Moana. And Smokie says thanks for bringing him over and that he wants to stay and sleep in my room.”

  She was going to run him off. Putting him on the spot twice in one day.

  Poor, poor man.

  Poor, sexy man.

  Fine. Sexy, sexy man.

  Aaron caught my eye, but it was brief. He didn’t have to worry though. I wouldn’t let him go down in flames.

  “Uh, you’re welcome. Thanks for having us,” he answered politely.

  “What about Sm
okie?” She was fast.

  “That’s up to your mom.” She spun around and they both shot faces at me. Hers was pleading and desperate. His was also desperate, but a little terrified. Both were cute.

  “Let’s go get dressed and read, then we’ll let Smokie decide if he wants to stay.” Which was the only real answer I could give her anyway. I wasn’t about to force the dog with her if he didn’t want to go. It was up to him.

  She got excited when I didn’t tell her no and ran off, patting her thigh as she went to beckon the spotted dog.

  I stood and stretched, not even bothering to take the movie out because we’d be watching it again soon. Too soon. After seeing it on repeat, it barely kept my attention and my eyes had wandered to him a few million times. He only met them twice and it had kind of killed me.

  He was virtuous and I wasn’t.

  “Do you think we should go?” he asked, leaning forward with his elbows on his thighs. His long fingers laced together.

  “No,” I answered un-coolly.

  He smiled lightning fast but managed to knock it down an excited notch a second later. “Do you mind if I grab a shower? I have stuff in my truck.”

  Thankfully, I’d showered that afternoon and taken the extra five minutes to do all the shaving a woman required. “I don’t mind. I have a book to read anyway.”

  He winked. “Sounds like a plan.”

  Damn, he was good at whatever it was we were doing. Maybe there were good men out there and one was sitting in the cozy chair in my living room.

  “Got a book picked out yet?” I called, more breathless than I expected.

  “You can pick,” she shouted back.

  “The towels and wash cloths are in the closet in the bathroom.” I started to lean over to him, to kiss him, but caught myself. It wasn’t the time to get started.

  I must have looked like a jackass when I marched off shaking my head.

  Delaney had left the night’s reading selection up to me because she’d been too busy making Smokie a bed beside hers. She even gave him her favorite stuffed animal to sleep with. If I hadn’t had a spare just in case something untimely happened to Jinx the Bunny, I would have worried more. Smokie had eaten a full plate of spaghetti, but I hoped he didn’t want fur and cotton for dessert.

  He was a dog after all.

  I flipped on the lamp beside her old glass piggy bank and pulled the ceiling fan chain to put out the overhead light, happily surprised that even with all of the bed building she’d been doing she’d put on her nightgown. With the tag in back where it belonged, I might add.

  By the time I was halfway through Giraffes Can’t Dance, I heard the shower turn on. When it was finished, and since she’d been such a good kid all night, I pulled a second book off the shelf and read that one, too.

  I heard the shower curtain slide open as I finished the last page.

  “I like that one, Mom. Put it on the read again list.” She was snuggled in her bed and Smokie was already snoring in the corner on his bed. She yawned. “Looks like I was right. He wanted to stay.”

  I brushed a thick, wavy lock of hair over her shoulder. “Did you have a good day today?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You know how much I love you?”

  “Yeah, Mom,” she answered. “I love you that much, too.”

  I kissed her forehead and stood, switching her lamp to nightlight mode.

  “If I’m the peanut butter,” she said to me when I got to the door.

  I answered, same as always, “Then I’m the jelly.”

  I started to pull the door closed, but I never shut it all the way, and before I could leave, her tiny voice added, “Maybe Aaron can be the bread and then he haves both our backs.”

  What a smart kid I had. “I love you, Delaney.”

  “You already said that, Mom.”

  “Well, sometimes I want to say it twice.”

  She giggled and rolled over, but I heard the little shit say, “You probably just forgot.”

  It’s funny how a moment can be so big that you worry it won’t fit in your heart, but then you feel your insides swell and it finds a place.

  The door was still shut to the bathroom, so I walked down the hall to the kitchen, turned out the lights, and headed for my room.

  Geez, I didn’t even know what to do with myself. Turn the TV on? Find something cute to wear? Get completely naked? Turn a lamp on? Lay on my bed in the dark?

  What was the right thing?

  After all of that wantonness I felt in the living room and throughout the day, there I was with no clue what to do. So I stood there, unsure, just inside the door.

  “Faith, if this is too weird, or too soon, or for whatever other reason you might feel, we don’t have to do this tonight.” Aaron’s voice was low, barely audible, but I’d heard every soothing word.

  I turned around to face him. He was in the hall outside my door looking like the answer to all my questions, wrapped up in sweats and a faded WFD sleeveless T-shirt.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  AARON

  I wondered if it was too much for her, and honestly I’d understand. The day as a whole had been overwhelming for me, too. It wasn’t like walking on eggshells or anything that severe, but there was an element of cautiousness at the forefront of my mind.

  If she’d been anxious with me there, she’d hidden it beautifully the whole night, but standing there alone in the dark inside her room she seemed more vulnerable than ever. More apprehensive.

  True to form, the change in her demeanor flipped a switch inside me.

  Earlier she’d been graceful when I was doing my best to find my footing. She’d had the world by the horns and never even broken a sweat around Delaney, although my presence was new and unfamiliar. But, now that it was just the two of us, she was uncertain, and that compelled me to step up.

  “I want you to stay,” she whispered.

  “Then what’s wrong?” I wasn’t sure if she’d tell me, flat-out, but it was essential that I ask.

  She lifted her arms above her head and then crossed them, holding on to her elbows. “Nothing’s wrong, that’s the thing. It’s been such a good day and I don’t want to mess it up. I just want to freeze this feeling right here.” Her arms fell and she took a step back, sitting on the edge of her bed.

  I dropped my duffel along the wall and sat beside her.

  “Even good days, the best days, have their limits. We don’t have to be greedy.”

  Her hands fidgeted on her lap, and her head was down. I wondered if she needed space, if I was crowding her. She’d said she didn’t want me to leave, but did she need me to? Did she need time to let things set in?

  It seemed like the wise, cautious thing to do. Maybe that’s why I refused to do it.

  I’d been that guy for four years and it had done me no favors. I was there because she’d invited me. She’d asked me to stay.

  Regardless of how the night ended, I wouldn’t leave her. She’d had too much experience with that. Being left. Being abandoned.

  Although, she was no victim. Faith was a strong mother. A kind and beautiful woman. A hard worker. No thanks to anyone but herself.

  I worked my way back to the headboard and she followed, nestling into my side, and I wrapped my arms around her. A few seconds later, she sank fully into me, resting her head on my chest.

  It was a new way of caring for her. Quietly. I didn’t have to worry about saying the right things, and it wasn’t about sex. It was about just being there.

  For who knows how long, I stroked her arm and she held onto the side of my T-shirt. There was no TV to distract us from our thoughts. No music to get lost in. It was only the two of us in the near darkness on top of the covers, fully clothed, breathing and letting it all sink in.

  Together.

  “This is nice,” she stated after a while. “I’ve never felt this content. This safe.”

  Safe. Hearing that word from her gave me more pride than I’d ever felt before. I�
�d been a soldier, sworn to protect my country, its values, and our allies. I was a fireman educated through study and experience to know how to handle and help in dire situations.

  She was safe in my arms, and I was the better for it, as I traced circles on her skin.

  My hold on her tightened, briefly. Responding to her words, I clung to her.

  Faith’s body replied with acceptance, climbing onto my chest. Her chin perched on my sternum, the light in the hall making her hair glow like it was electrified.

  Softly, she spoke. “It’s just the first time I’ve ever done this.”

  She couldn’t be talking about sex. About being in a bed with me, with someone.

  My lips reached for her forehead while my fingers tangled in the wild curls and the nape of her head, and the pads of my thumbs smoothed over her jaw. She took a deep breath when my mouth hesitantly pulled away.

  “I’m serious.” Her petite hands threaded under my arms and dove beneath the pillow behind me. “I’ve never just laid with someone in the dark to just be there for a damn minute.”

  “Me either.”

  She chuckled and dug her face into my shirt. “I’m sure it’s not high up there on a guy’s list of things to do in a bed.”

  “You won’t find me complaining.”

  She shimmied higher up my body until we were face to face.

  “Fay, I swear I wanted all of your firsts.” I licked my lips and chose my words. “I’m not saying this to get anywhere more than where we are right now.” That needed to be clear, among other things. “I thought about it a lot back then. I just didn’t want to take things from you and leave with them. It wouldn’t have been right.”

  “Do you always do the right thing?”

  “I wish.”

  “You imagined it, huh? Our first time? Back then?” Her voice was laced with a smile. Her legs sank to the mattress on either side of mine and then she pulled them closer, until she straddled me.

  “All the time.”

  Unexpectedly, I felt her press against me. “Show me.” Her breath in my ear, she kissed my neck below it. “When you thought about it, where were we?”