Love You Through It

by Francisco, Fabiola

  Her smile is bright. “Thank you, Cole.”

  “Lifeguard, babe,” I remind her.

  We finish packing the bit she wanted to complete today and go to dinner. This woman has no idea how happy it makes me to be sitting across from her. I thank God each day for the chance to be with her. I thank Him for giving her another breath of life, because she could so easily have died along with Josh. Maybe not physically, but spiritually. She wasn’t living when I started showing up. She was angry and destroyed.

  “What are you thinking about?” She’s stunning, sitting here in jeans and a sweater with a glass of red wine in her hand.

  “About you.”

  “Me?” She leans back.

  “Yeah,” I chuckle. “About how lucky I am to have you here with me.”

  “Cole Burkely, are you being romantic?”

  “Fuck yeah. Get used to it.”

  Bri leans forward on her elbows. “I like it.” Her eyes peer away and return to mine. “I was wondering if… What I mean is… I’m having Christmas dinner with my parents and Josh’s parents, being the first Christmas without him and all, um, but would you like to come over after you have dinner with your family? For dessert?”

  “Are you sure? I don’t have to.”

  “I am. I’ve been thinking about it, and I’d like them to meet you. It will also be my last holiday in the house, and I would like you to be there.”

  “I’ll be there,” I nod.

  Her body relaxes and she begins to eat.

  Fuck, Josh’s parents. Hell, and her parents. I try not to sweat it and enjoy dinner with my girl. It has to mean something that she wants me there. Maybe they know about me? I have no idea, but they’ll know about me soon if they don’t.

  After dropping Bri off at home, I walk into the house to find Jason and Christie watching a movie on the sofa.

  I try to make it into my room before they notice, but Jason stops me.

  “Hey, what’s up?”

  “Not much. Sorry. I’m heading to my room.”

  “You don’t have to,” Christie says. She’s seriously nice. I get what Jason was saying about her. They’ve been getting real close lately, and I think she might be it for Jason.

  “Thanks. I’m gonna hit the hay though.”

  “How’s Bri?” Jason calls out.

  “She’s good. Day by day.”

  “Tell her I say hi when you call her now,” he mocks.

  “Asshole.” His chuckle is his response.

  I call Bri once I’m in bed so she’s knows I’m home and safe. Being with her is a see-saw of easy and challenging. We click, and no one can deny that, but I also feel responsible for living up to Josh. I need to work through that. She’s told me I’m what she needs, but his memory haunts me. I respected the guy too much.

  Meeting his parents will be tough. What do I say? Hey, I’m sorry for your loss but I got lucky? Fuck, I’m not that insensitive. I close my eyes and hope I can act normal when I meet them. I have a few days to prepare for it.

  “Do you want to include the song you wrote in our album?” Cash asks me when we’re at the studio. I’ve had the conversation with Bri last night stuck in my mind.

  “I don’t know. What do you think?”

  “The guys and I were talking, and it was well-accepted when we performed it at Riot.”

  “Okay. Yeah, that’d be great.” Our newest album is close to being done, so I didn’t even think about adding that song to the list.

  “Awesome. We’ll get it recorded this week.”

  “Sweet.”

  We go over details for the New Year’s Eve performance. I’m glad we’ll be staying in the city, and I plan to get Bri to go with me. Shouldn’t be a difficult task since Jen and Olivia will also be there.

  “You guys have an interview with CMT on Friday,” Peyton tells us. “And a press appearance to build up the New Year’s Eve show. Tyler will be there, too.”

  “Awesome.” Cash smiles. Those two have the ultimate bromance. If it weren’t that we knew how tight our friendship is, we’d be jealous.

  After work, I call Bri and ask if she’s free. I’m done tiptoeing between seeing her only on the weekends or certain nights. I want to see her and not use packing as an excuse.

  I shower and pick her up after work. I want more intimate moments. I don’t want to rush her, and I know the holidays will be challenging. However, I want to show her what she has in her life, me included.

  It will take a bit for us to get to the point where we can talk about a future, and I don’t expect Bri to be ecstatic about the idea of getting married again. For all I know, she’ll never want the future I imagine. I’m still going to fight for it. She may have experienced all that with Josh, but I’m Cole and I want all of that with her. When the time is right, we’ll get the perfect ending to our story.

  Peyton mentioned a tour sometime in the spring. The label wants to put us back in stadiums and on the road. That gives us a few months in Nashville to perfect this album, get the fans familiar with our new songs, and sell out shows. It will definitely push record sales. That gives me a few months to spend with Bri with little interruption before tour life storms in. I hope she’s ready for that part of my career.

  I knock on her door. “You look beautiful,” I say when she opens and lean in to kiss her.

  “Thank you.”

  “Are you okay?” Her voice isn’t as cheery as other times.

  “Yeah.” The intonation of her voice tells me otherwise.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. Let’s go.” She turns to close the door.

  “Bri, I’m not driving you anywhere until you talk to me.” I grab hold of her hand.

  “I’m just a little emotional today. No big deal.” She shrugs.

  “It’s a big deal to me. We don’t have to go anywhere.”

  “I want to. It will be good for me.” She attempts a smile.

  “Babe, you gotta trust me.”

  “It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just not fair to put this on you. You shouldn’t have to hear how I miss another man.”

  My jaw ticks, and I close my eyes.

  “Sorry,” she whispers.

  “Don’t apologize. I told you I’d be here to help you through this. I made the choice to enter this relationship knowing Josh is still a big part of your life.”

  “You shouldn’t have to deal with this. You don’t deserve it.” Bri’s eyes water.

  “Shhh…” I hug her. “I know what I deserve. You’re not hurting me.”

  “Not intentionally.”

  “Hey,” I pull back and stare at her. “Being with you is the best thing that has happened to me. I’ve screwed around a lot, and I’m lucky to find someone like you willing to give me what she can.”

  “I want to be able to open up more, but a part of me continues to get pulled back into the past.”

  “The past is a real thing. You lived that. You can’t expect to erase it. I wouldn’t want you to.”

  “But I’m living in the present,” she smirks, using the words I’ve told her over and over again.

  “I want you to enjoy your life. We could’ve all let you have the isolation you sought, but we wouldn’t have been good friends.”

  Bri laces her fingers with mine. “You’re more than a friend, Cole.”

  “I hope so, but when I started showing up here that’s all I was.”

  “Because I was too caught up in feeling sorry for myself. I’m sorry if hearing about Josh hurts you. I try to keep it to myself.”

  My nostrils flare. “Fuck, Bri. What did I tell you? I’m here for you, through it all. I want you to feel comfortable enough to talk to me about what you’re feeling. I need you to.”

  “It’s hard some days.” She lifts a shoulder. “I like you, Cole. I didn’t think I’d like anyone ever again, so please know this isn’t a competition between you and him. I’m sorting how to have you both, honor his memory and respect you.”
/>   “Do you want to go inside?” I ask when Bri trembles.

  “No. I want to go wherever you planned on taking us.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Bri gets on her toes and grabs my face. “I’m sure.” She stares into my eyes, and I wish I could carry her over my shoulder and make love to her. One day, hopefully soon, I will.

  “I’ll take you, if you promise not to hold back anymore emotions.”

  “I promise.” Her smile is lighter now. She pecks my lips and walks to my car.

  I’m fucking in love with this woman.

  I stare at the tree from the window in the restaurant where I’m meeting Olivia for lunch and smile. Cole brought me on Wednesday night to see the big Christmas tree all lit up in downtown. It was the remedy I needed after my emotional fall before he picked me up.

  As much as I tried to hide what I was feeling, he picked up on it. I’m glad he did, though. It was easier telling him about my emotions. I don’t want to keep them from him, but I don’t want him to think I’m purposefully clinging onto Josh. I’ve accepted his death, and I am living my new version of life. Although at times I feel as if I’m having an affair with Josh. It’s not fair to Cole, and I don’t want him to feel as a third wheel in our relationship.

  “Hey, sorry I’m late.” Liv sits at the table. “I hate driving in the rain.”

  “It’s okay. Had I known it would rain this much, I would’ve told you to stay home.”

  “No way. I needed to get out of the house. I’ve been staring at my laptop for days as I finish the project for my client.”

  “How’s it coming along?”

  “I’m almost done. Cash is on my case that I’m working too much, so I promised him I’d slow down after this project. I love my job, so it’s difficult to turn clients away if I have the time.”

  “Soon all you’ll want to do is nap.” I motion my head to her belly. She has the tiniest bump and hides it under a loose top.

  “I think I already want to. I’m starving.” She looks through the menu. “Can I order one of each?”

  “I won’t deny my pregnant best friend anything. I hear that’s bad luck.”

  Olivia giggles. “How are you?”

  “Good. Almost done packing, and it’s surreal to be leaving the house.”

  “Are you excited?”

  “Yes and no. I adore that house. You know how excited I was when we found it on the market, however, I’m ready to fully move into this new aspect of my life,” I explain.

  “How has that transition been?” Liv gives me a meaningful look.

  “Weird.”

  “I can imagine.”

  “Don’t get me wrong. I love spending time with Cole, but I feel as if I’m in two relationships—my old one with Josh, and what Cole and I have. Will I ever be fully over one to be able to give myself to the other?

  “You love both your parents the same, right?” Liv asks

  “Ew, don’t bring my parents into this.”

  “Shush. Answer my question.”

  I nod.

  “Okay, so you can love two men.”

  “You make it sound easier than it is.”

  “I know. What I’m trying to express is, your heart isn’t only reserved for one person your entire life. The same way you can love more than one family member or friend, you have space in your heart for two men.

  “Josh was in your life for a long time and you built a beautiful life together, whether it was cut short or not, isn’t for us to judge. You had the opportunity to know what real, unconditional love feels like. Cole is giving you a second chance at happiness. He cares so much about you. I see it. He’s a good man, and you two can experience a different type of love. Something more mature and honest because of what you’ve lived.”

  I nod, listening to what she’s saying.

  “All I know is that not everyone is lucky enough to experience one love in their lifetime. You’re getting two. Don’t resist what’s running through you. Part of accepting your new life is flowing with it. If you stop yourself every so often and allow guilt to get to you, you’re not really moving on, are you?”

  “This is why you’re my best friend.”

  “Duh.” I laugh at Olivia’s expression.

  “I think moving will help with that final step of acceptance.”

  “It will help because you are moving forward. Babe, I’ve told you I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through, but there’s no use in staying stuck in the past.”

  “Thanks. Now let’s eat and talk about happy stuff.”

  “Yes, this baby is hungry.”

  After we eat, I ask Olivia what her plans for tonight are. The guys have a press appearance and I have no idea how long that will run.

  “Want me to help you finish packing?” she asks.

  “No, I rather go out somewhere. I know you can’t drink, but—”

  “Hell, I’m pregnant not immobile. I can sip on iced tea while you have wine.”

  “I’ll call you when I’m out of work? I can pick you up.”

  “That’s perfect.

  I rush back to work, making it right when my hour break is up. Talking to Olivia helped ease my racing mind. She’s right. I cannot let my guilt stop me from moving forward. Mikayla told me something similar when I saw her this week.

  I was hesitant to let anyone into my life after what I lived through, but Tyler and Sam showed me there are good people in the world. Tyler proved to me he would be by my side no matter what. It wasn’t easy, and we had our struggles. I wouldn’t change it for the world. When I accepted what was my life, and released all the anger, I was able to breathe in a new life.

  I enjoy her classes because she shares such deep insight in the simplest of ways. I was surprised when she asked me if I would be at the New Year’s Eve event, and then realized it would only be normal for her to go with Tyler.

  Cole mentioned it when we went out on Wednesday, and I told him I would be there. It will be fun to get out and spend time with my friends. This time of year has always been difficult, since Josh was away many years.

  After work, I pick Olivia up at home and ask her, “Would you mind helping me find a gift for Cole before we have a drink?”

  “Of course not. What do you have in mind?”

  “I have no idea. I was hoping you’d have suggestions.”

  “We’ll find something,” she tells me.

  We walk in and out of shops in downtown. The stores are full of last minute shoppers like myself.

  “How about drumsticks?” Olivia suggests.

  “Too predictable? Give the drummer a new set of sticks.”

  “Clothes?”

  “Too impersonal? What did you get Cash?”

  “A daddy and me guitar set with a pick that says, Best dad.”

  “You two are so cheesy.” I roll my eyes.

  “I saw it in a catalogue and couldn’t resist. I know it will be a while before the baby will be able to play any instrument, but Cash will love it. I also got him a new pocketknife he’s been eyeing. Oh! And these funny pillows to mess with him. The front says, Tonight, and the back says, Not Tonight.”

  “As if you’d ever deny that man sex,” I laugh.

  “I ain’t even sorry about it.” We both giggle. “Let’s go in here,” Olivia points to the next store.

  I look through the store, seeing a few ideas that could work. I want something a little more personal.

  “How about one of these hats? Cole loves wearing caps.” Olivia hands me a black cap with a brown, leather bill.

  “I guess.” I hold on to it, as I continue to look about. I feel the leather album. “What if I get this?” Olivia walks toward me. “I can print the couple of pictures we’ve taken and place them in the album. We can fill up these pages with pictures of us? It’s cheesy, but it’s sort of a new start.”

  “I like it. I think Cole would love that.”

  I look at the engraving—Our Story. This is perfect. I pay for the album and
cap.

  “Thanks for helping. I was overwhelmed with having to do this alone.”

  “I’m always here for you.” Olivia hooks her arm in mine and we walk to a nearby restaurant.

  “Did you hear about the tour?” Olivia asks when we sit at the bar.

  “No?” My eyebrows pull together.

  “Oh, I thought Cole would’ve told you.”

  “Nope.”

  “Peyton mentioned a tour in the spring. The label is working on it. You know how it is, tours equal big bucks.”

  “Yeah.” I wonder why Cole hasn’t brought it up. Spring is in a few months. “Do you ever get used to Cash being on tour?”

  “Yeah. He wants me to go on this one since he knows once I’m further along, I’ll want to be home.”

  Thoughts of Cole being away, just like Josh was, betray my calm. How did I end up in a relationship that leads to the same situation? Am I incapable of having someone in my life that is always present?

  “Hey, it’s not too bad. They fly in and out throughout the tour. Most of the shows are weekends, and when they don’t have other responsibilities, they come home for a few days.”

  “Okay.”

  “Slow down on that wine.” Olivia raises her eyebrows.

  She changes the subject and we talk about outfits for the New Year’s Eve party. I push doubts about the tour away and focus on the conversation.

  As Olivia is showing me dresses on her phone, Cash calls.

  “Hey, yeah… I’m with Bri… Okay. Of course… We’re at Table. See you in a bit.”

  She hangs up and smiles. “Cash and Cole are coming.” Grateful for a big purse, I shove the bag with Cole’s gifts in my bag and zip it.

  A text message pops up with Cole’s message and I smile.

  Cole: hey beautiful, Cash and I are heading over. can’t wait to see you

  I send a quick response and finish my wine. Cole and I have spent time alone or with all of our friends. We’ve never been on a double date. I look through the rest of the dress options Olivia has saved and tell her which are my favorites. I’ll have to check what I have at home or go shopping for something new to wear.