Running Away From Love

by Jessica Tamara

  Q didn’t say anything else at first; he just stared at me. So I continued, “You know what, I’m about to go home. I didn’t come out here to argue with you over some dumb shit. All of this is unnecessary.”

  I grabbed my purse about to walk away, but he grabbed me by the arm and stopped me. I was heated now, ready to punch him in his face.

  “Look, Quincy,” I spit my words at him, “you grab my fucking arm like you’re crazy one more damn time, and I will show you who is crazy! If you want to cause a scene, please understand that I will give your ass a whole damn movie! Now let go of my damn arm right fucking now!”

  He let go of me quickly once he realized I was not playing with him. Then said in a hushed tone “Listen I’m sorry. I really don’t like the fact that you’re ex-boyfriend was in your face like that. I mean I know how you used to feel about him. I felt like he was disrespecting me, and you let him do it. It’s obvious that he still wants you, Jasmine. If I could see it, then I know you could. It looked like it was killing him seeing you with another man. Tell me right now that you don’t have any feelings for him. Because it kind seemed that way by the way you were looking at him. Tell me you are over him, Jasmine.”

  Yes, I still had feelings for Trey. I mean do you ever really rid yourself of the feelings for the first person who ever captured your heart? But I’m smart enough to never let Q know this. So I said what I knew he needed to hear.

  “Listen what he and I had is in the past. You are my future, and I am happy with us. I apologize if you felt like I let him disrespect you. I promise it will never happen again.”

  His mood came back to a happy one after I said that. I guess I said the comforting words he needed to hear.

  “Look, Jasmine, I’m sorry for acting like a jealous boyfriend. I didn’t mean to snap on you like that. I guess I just got jealous you and him were talking, and being all cool with him. I know how bad he hurt you, and how hard he made it for me to get into your heart. I guess I didn’t know you had let it all go, and ya’ll were on speaking terms again. But I do apologize for letting my jealousy ruin our night. Please don’t be mad at me baby.”

  I was still pissed at the way he acted tonight. I remained quiet, letting him know that I was not happy with him. He pulled me into his body, making me hug him. As I was in his arms, I looked over Q’s shoulder, and I saw Trey staring at me from across the room. The expression on his face was as if he was sick at the sight of me with Q. So I closed my eyes burying my head into Q’s shoulder as I squeezed him tight. When I opened up my eyes he was gone, and I breathed easy again. This whole Trey situation was getting out of hand. I didn’t know how to deal with all of the feelings that were starting to come over me so suddenly. I thought I had put my relationship with Trey behind me when I got serious with Q. I couldn’t help but wonder if Trey emerging back into my life was for a reason. The feeling of uncertainty was washing all over me when it came to my feelings for Trey. Normally when I have the feelings of uncertainty, my life turns into chaos. Maybe I should start preparing myself for the craziness that could be ahead.

  Q was going to be on the road for about two weeks. I decided to go to my favorite café after work, and attend their open mic night. As I was leaving my office building, I noticed Trey standing outside. The last thing I needed was for someone to see me talking to Trey, and it getting back to Quincy. I walked up to him as he sat on top of his white Range Rover truck.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, obviously annoyed. “I thought I said I needed you to stop and give me some space.”

  “I know what you said, but since when have I ever listened?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh after that comment. “That is true. You always were hardheaded. It doesn’t change the fact that you shouldn’t be here though.”

  He smiled as he said “Well, I’m here now so I will make the best out of it. So I’m wondering why your man isn’t here to pick you up like he should be.”

  “The real question is how you even knew I worked here. And what time I leave work. I doubt it is a coincidence you happened to show up at the right time. That leads me to believe somehow you knew he didn’t pick me up from work. If he did come and get me, I doubt you would be out here waiting on me. I could assume you’ve been stalking me, seeing as how you know my schedule and all.”

  He smirked at me. “I see that you still got a smart ass mouth on you. Okay, yeah, you’re right. I did know he doesn’t pick you up. I guess it’s safe to say your man doesn’t like me very much. I guess you told him all the bad things about me, and none of the good. He looked like he wanted to knock me out for kissing your hand the other night.”

  I laughed as I said “Whatever, Trey! And you’re right he was ready to put hands on you that night. But the real question is how do you know where I work?”

  He just smiled. “I don’t reveal my sources. Let‘s just say I know a lot of people in high important places.”

  His smile was still beautiful to me. Whenever he smiled at me I melt. I glanced over him and he looked good as usual. But being in his presence is no good for me. I always seem to get lost in his presence. I caught myself staring at him so I diverted my attention elsewhere.

  I laughed nervously and blew him off. “Whatever, Trey. I need to get going. I don’t want to be late to this open mic night that I want to attend. It was nice to see you again. Have a good night.”

  He stopped me as I was about to walk away and said “You stay trying to get away from me. How about we go to this open mic night together? It will give us a chance to finally get caught up. All I want to do is talk.”

  I was skeptical. “I don’t think so, Trey. I don’t want any drama with my boyfriend. You and I hanging out is sure to bring unwanted issues. He already feels negatively about you, and I don’t want to add fuel the fire.”

  He came in closer to me and said “Relax. I’m not asking you out on a date, mama. This is just two old friends unwinding after a long work day and talking; that’s all. I promise I will be a very good boy, and on my best behavior.”

  There he goes again always invading my damn space. I thought to myself there wouldn’t be any harm in us hanging out as friends. I put some distance between us as I said “Okay, I guess that will be alright. But just to talk. That is it. I don’t want to hear you say a single word about my boyfriend. And I don’t want to hear anything about us getting back together either agreed?”

  He nodded in agreement as he opened up the passenger door for me. I told him which café and then we drove off to our destination.

  The café was a real small and intimate spot that I loved to frequent. I could always clear my head and hear some amazing things. We took a seat in a booth just before the first act came onto the stage. I ordered a glass of wine. If I was going to get thru this night with Trey, I needed some wine ASAP. I felt Trey staring at me.

  “Why do you keep staring at me bighead?”

  He busted out laughing. “Wow, I haven’t heard you call me that in forever.”

  I laughed with him. “I know. It just came out. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s cool. So, tell me, how have you been doing?”

  “Well, where should I begin? Life in the NYC has been very good to me so far. It’s very different than living in Buffalo. I’m sure you can attest to that. It is a very big change in pace. But I finally figured everything out, and I love working at the magazine. I feel like I go to work every day, and I can honestly say I love my job. Every aspect of it I love. I met so many different people. I get invited to different parties and events. I even get free stuff sometimes, and you know how much I love that. There is never a dull moment. It is so much different than my job at the bank, and you know how much I hated that damn place.”

  He smiled as he said “Wow, I’m so proud of you. You finally did everything you dreamed of. Getting into the magazine business has always been your dream. Now all that’s left is starting your own magazine, and writing your first book.”

  I smiled as
I realized he still remembered what some of my dreams were.

  He continued on, “And I couldn’t help but notice you toned your body up. You look amazing. I know how self-conscious you used to be about your body, even though there wasn’t anything wrong with you. But my God, your body is sick right now! I really like all I’m seeing. I especially don’t remember you having that much ass the last time I saw you. You grew up and out!”

  Now I was blushed. “Shut up. Do not comment on my ass trying to be all fresh. But in all honestly I must say I might be in the best shape of my life. Working out has become my stress reliever.”

  Then he completely switched subjects. “I’m curious to know how you met your boyfriend.”

  I frowned “I thought I said no talking about him, Trey.”

  He smirked as he said “Well, he is a part of your life now right? And I’m asking questions about your life.”

  “Well if you must know, I met him when I first landed here in the airport. I literally ran into him. We started talking and getting to know one another. I guess you can say we just clicked. He really is an amazing person. We’ve been together for a little over six months now, and we recently moved in together. Everything has been going great so far.”

  He replied saying “Wow, it sounds like you two are getting serious pretty fast. But I can’t even lie to you I’m jealous. I really wish I was the one who ran into you first at the airport. Can ask you a question?” I gave him a nod to continue. “Do you love him? And be honest with me, Jasmine.”

  I took a moment before I answered. Truthfully I did love Q. But it wasn’t the kind of love where it consumed all of me. I guess I was thinking about it too much and I hesitated before I answered saying “Yes, I do love him. Why do you even care to ask?”

  “You know you hesitated before you answered me right?”

  I tried to recover, “I’m very happy, Trey, so just cut the shit. What about you? Do you have anyone special in your life since you all up in my business?”

  Truthfully I didn’t really care to hear the answer, but I thought it was the best thing for me to ask.

  He just laughed at me as he said “I mean there was one girl that I kicked it with for a while named Kelly. She was a great girl and all, but it didn’t work out in the end. We wanted different things. So I’m not really serious with anyone right now. I mean I kick it with some chicks here and there, but I’m not in a relationship with anyone. I’m just and focusing on my business right now. I have a lot of big things in the works.”

  I felt a hint of jealousy come over me at the thought of him in the arms of another woman. I had hoped he didn’t catch me roll my eyes when he spoke about the Kelly chick. So I said “You mean to tell me you haven’t found anyone special yet? I thought you would be married with at least one kid by now.”

  He leaned back in his chair and looked me right into my eyes. “Wow, married with a child. You trippin’, Jas. Despite what you might have thought, I actually meant what I said. When I said I came here to focus on getting my career together. I wasn’t telling you a lie. But to answer your question I found that special girl a very long time ago. She had me as soon as I saw her walk into my study hall. As soon as we locked eyes she had me, and I haven’t been able to recover ever since.”

  I knew he was talking about me. I leaned in closer to him as I said “Well, why did you let her go, if she was that special to you?”

  “I really can’t give you an answer to that. I was young and foolish I guess. I thought she would always be there until I was really ready. I was so used to her always being there despite all of my bullshit. I guess I never thought she would get sick and tired and leave me for good. Ever since she’s been gone, things just haven’t been the same. I guess I needed the time apart to grow up and get my shit together. I didn’t think that she would move on to another man who isn’t me.”

  I picked up my wine and sipped it down quickly to ease my nerves. I kept it cool as I said “Well I’m a believer in destiny. If it’s meant to be in the end you and her will be together. And if that happens, then nothing else from the past will matter.”

  “That’s interesting.” he said. “I’m not sure if I believe in destiny or not. But I do believe she and I are meant to be together. Listen, Jasmine, I’m going to be honest with you. I would have never imagined you would be living here. It’s crazy you’re so close now. Ever since I saw you, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind. Knowing you’re so close I always want to see you and talk to you. You looked so beautiful that night. I can’t explain it, but you looked so different to me. You had a glow all around you. It was like when I saw you that night I felt the same when I first saw you when we were 16. It was like I fell in love with you all over again.”

  I didn’t respond so he kept talking, “Jasmine, I have wanted to talk to you about this whole baby situation. Ever since you told me about it, it has bothered me a lot. I wish you would have told me about this way before now. I’m sorry you went through all of that without me being there for you. I mean, I can’t really say how I would have reacted to the news back then. I was by no means looking to be a father at that point in my life. But I need you to know and understand, I would have been there for you. Yeah, I talked a lot of shit about me not wanting kids all the time, but I always saw you as the mother of my children. So if you would have decided to keep the baby I would have been there for you and my child. Yeah it would have been a major setback career wise for me, but I would have made it work for the both of us. I really need you to know and understand that. I would never have turned my back on you knowing that you were carrying my seed.”

  I just nodded as I said “Yeah well it’s already done. I really don’t want to talk about it, Trey.”

  I decided to change the subject “How is the business going?”

  I could tell he was getting annoyed at how I kept brushed him off. But he entertained me by saying, “The business is very good. Mike and I finally got our management company up off the ground. I worked at the record company making them money for a while. I made some important contacts and relations where I could start managing my own talent. We manage a lot of new talent right now. We’re looking to get one rapper named Melo signed to Island Def Jam soon. If all goes according to plan, it will be a very good look for us; he is a very talented artist. I honestly believe he is a star, and will be major on the hip hop scene once he gets out there. He is already big underground wise. We just need that mainstream audience to make him pop.

  I smiled as I said “Wow, you are doing real big things I see. I’m proud of you. I guess it is kind of crazy we’re both living out our dreams right now. We’re adults now can you believe it?”

  He laughed as he said “Well, if you’re really proud of me, then you can get your magazine to do a feature on him.”

  I laughed as I said “Trying to sell your artist to me I see. But if he is as dope as you say I will see what I can do for you. I’ll give you my email just send me his stuff.”

  He smiled as he said “I appreciate that. Yes, I’ve been trying to make things happen out here. Unfortunately, I let other things suffer while I’ve been making these moves.”

  I just looked at him after his last comment. I still was refusing to engage in that conversation with him. So again I changed the subject and I asked “So when is the last time you been home?”

  He laughed and hung his head down as he said “Man, I don’t want to tell you.”

  I smacked him playfully on the arm as I said “Tell me right now Trey.”

  He said “I haven’t been home in two years. I know; I need to be smacked, but I’m so damn busy. I find it impossible to find time to go back to Buffalo. My mom is pissed at me.”

  I laughed as I said “She should be pissed off being that her baby act like he doesn’t have family and friends back in Buffalo.”

  He laughed as he said “You know my mom still to this day asks about you. She always loved you for me even though you always thought that she hated you
.”

  I laughed as I said “Your mom didn’t want me dating her baby boy back then. I’ve actually seen her a couple time’s back home, and she told me how you were doing and stuff. She would tell me even though I didn’t want to hear shit about you. So I put on a front like I really cared so I didn’t seem rude.”

  He laughed as he said “Oh, really she didn’t tell me she saw you.”

  I smirked as I said “It’s probably because you never come home.”

  We laughed some more and talked about any and everything that we could possibly think of. It was obvious that I was dancing around the issues that still surrounded him and I. In all honesty it felt really good just talking with him. Before we were anything we were really good friends. I would say that he was like my best friend besides London.

  I would have been kidding myself, if I kept on acting like I didn’t have things to get off of my chest. So I decided it was now or never. I was going to say everything I had been thinking over the last two years. I needed to stop ignoring the obvious issues between us. I really needed to know what happened, and where we went so wrong. I guess he could sense my mood had changed.

  So he asked “What’s wrong? What’s on your mind?”

  I said “Do you really want to know?”

  He stared at me with his big brown eyes and said “Well I know something is on your mind. I don’t know when we will get to talk to each other like this again. So I say we both get whatever we need to say out now.”

  I took a deep breath in and said “Well why did you end it with me like that, Trey?”

  I knew that he was uncomfortable with that question, because he knew that he really didn’t have an answer that would satisfy me. He shifted a little in his seat before he began to speak.

  “Jasmine, there really is no easy answer to that question I can give you. I guess I started to feel like I was missing out on something. I was young at the time. You and I had been together since we were 16, and I felt like I needed to experience my life without you for a while. It was like we were so serious with one another at such a young age. After all the years I felt like the next thing for us would be like marriage and kids. And I wasn’t ready to be any more serious with you than what I already was. Plus I knew I wanted to leave Buffalo to pursue my dreams. With me doing that, we would have had to be in a long distance relationship. I did my dirt in our relationship with other girls, and all that shit I can never take back. In the end, I was tired of hurting you, Jasmine. You may not have thought that I noticed, or that I could care less. But I saw what I was doing to you emotionally. It was written all over you how bad you were hurting. You tried to put on this front like you were ok, but I see right through you Jasmine. I know you better than you would like to admit. In the end I just wasn’t ready to be the man I knew you needed and deserved. So I felt like it was best if I let you go. So I pushed you away.”