Running Away From Love

by Jessica Tamara

  I felt the anger rising up in my chest. Just thinking about it made my blood boil. I just stared at him, unable to really speak a word. If I speak when I’m angry, I lash out harshly. So I tried to keep myself calm as he talked.

  He continued on saying “It was never in my intentions to break your heart, Jasmine. I just needed time to figure all my shit out. I wanted to live the bachelor lifestyle and come and go as I pleased. But I’ve lived that life for a while now going from chick to chick. I realized that it isn’t the life I want to live for the rest of my life. I started to miss you, Jasmine. For the longest time I ignored it and pushed it to the back of my mind. There were so many times where I dialed your number, but I could never make the call. I knew that after how things ended that you hated me. How would I find the words to say after how everything played out that night? The way you stormed out that night I knew that might possibly be the last time I would ever see and talk to you. Either way it went I would have hurt you in the end. It was a fucked up situation for the both of us. I pushed you away hoping that it was the best thing for the both of us. Maybe I didn’t handle it the way you thought I should have, and for that I apologize. I only did what I thought was right at the time.”

  I calmed myself down enough where I could talk logical to him.

  “Yes, Trey it would have hurt me no matter what the outcome was. But it hurt me more when I felt like you couldn’t be honest with me. I mean me out of all people you couldn’t show the courtesy to tell me the truth. All you had to do was tell me how you were feeling. Instead you just left me always wondering what was going on with you. How we ended things that night left a big ass question mark in my mind when it came to you. I couldn’t understand how you fell out of love with me. I would have respected you so much more if you were just honest with me. Yes, I loved you very much, and wanted to be with you no matter what. But if you would have just talked to me about what you wanted it would have been a little easier for me to deal with. Instead you made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I waited around for you for what seemed to be an eternity. Even after all that time of me showing my loyalty, you still fucked me over. You just dropped me and never even asked about me. Whatever you asked I did just to prove how much you meant to me. I made sure to change anything about myself that you didn’t like so I would be all you could have possibly needed. I put on this facade that I was this perfect girl, and I lost myself in the process. Jasmine wasn’t Jasmine anymore. You always made me a million and one promises, and you never even kept one of them! I trusted you, but then I was left alone, aborting a baby I wanted to keep. Do you have any idea what that felt like? I didn’t really make the decision to not keep the baby for me. I made the decision based solely on me being so damn mad at you. But as time moved on I grew up as well. I realized that I had my own selfish reasons for not keeping that baby, and I can’t put the blame all on you. It was my fault as well for not being strong enough to deal with it. I just couldn’t imagine having a child knowing the father could possibly resent me for it. You just disappeared on me like what we had for all those years was something that you could have cared less about. It just hurt is all I can say about it.”

  We both sat in silence for a while, and the tension between us could be cut with a knife. He leaned in close to me and grabbed my hand.

  He stared directly into my eyes as he spoke up, “Jasmine, you are worth so much more than words could ever describe. I know how much shit you put up with dealing with me. I didn’t want to just stop talking to you. But I did it because I knew you wouldn’t just let me go. I knew that you loved me too much to walk away from me. So I had to push you away. I mean, shit I thought about you every single day. Do you remember this?”

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out my gold nameplate necklace I thought I had lost and handed it to me. I was speechless. I had no idea where I lost this necklace. This necklace meant the world to me; it was the last thing I had left to remember my granddad. I didn’t have any words; I just stared at him.

  So he continued on saying “You dropped it that night we ended things. I always wanted to give it back to you, but it was all I had left to remember you by. I guess it made me feel somewhat close to you. I let my new life and work consume me. I forgot who and what really mattered most. I never called because I didn’t know what to say. I came to realize over time that none of these other chicks that I dealt with could compare to you. I found myself comparing every girl to you, and every time they fell short of what I was used to after being with you. It took me a while to get here, Jasmine, but I’m here, baby. This whole time I had everything I could possibly want and need in you. I swear I had no idea you were pregnant. Let me be clear, if you had decided you wanted to keep the baby, I would have been a father to my child. It’s crazy how you could have thought anything different about me. You know me better than that.”

  As he was saying all of this to me I had to admit that he really had grown up a lot. Because the old Trey would have never admitted being wrong under any circumstances.

  I couldn’t hide my disappointment and anger though. A frown appeared on my face as I said “Well what else was I supposed to think, Trey? You told me that you didn’t want to be with me. What would it look like me saying oh, by the way I’m pregnant, right after you said that to me? Yes, it’s true everyone makes mistakes, it just sucks you had to make them all with me. How you and I have become strangers after so many years together is what is crazy. We were so inseparable at one point. For me when we split I lost more than a lover you were also my best friend.”

  He smiled at me to try to ease the tension away. Then he said “Listen I need to say this while I have your attention. The truth is I still love you, Jasmine. I never stopped loving you even though we lost contact. I still think I am the man for you, even though you are with the next man. I think you know just as much as I do that we’re meant for each other. I mean what were the chances of us running into each other that night? New York City is so big we could have never seen one another ever again, but we did. I can’t help but think that us running into each was for a reason. And I’m not taking that chance meeting lightly. I know you still love me. I can see it in your eyes when you look at me. On the outside you’re playing all tough and hard, but I can see right through all of that, Jasmine. I know how you feel deep down, and there isn’t any way you can hide that from me. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. All I want is another chance to show you I’m a different man now. I promise I will make up for all the broken promises I have ever made to you. I’m willing to spend the rest of my life fixing anything that I’ve broken. All I need is a chance.”

  I didn’t know how to respond to everything he had just said. Deep down there was no question that I still felt deeply for him. I knew he was being sincere with me. I just couldn’t bring myself to accept it. I couldn’t see myself forgiving the man who hurt me to the core of my soul. So I diverted my eyes in another direction, and decided to change the subject again. I was very uncomfortable.

  “Are you ready to go, Trey? I have to get home; I have a deadline for work I need to get started on.”

  He just stared at me, unwilling to accept me ignoring him. So he said slightly annoyed “Jasmine, I’m sitting here pouring my heart out to you, are you’re really going to sit here and ignore me? Can you really sit here and tell me you don’t love me anymore? Just tell me you don’t love me, Jasmine.”

  “Look, Trey,” I said obviously annoyed, “I really don’t want to do this. I don’t know what the hell you want from me!”

  He just sat back in his seat and continued to glare at me. I could feel him getting more and more aggravated as I continued to ignore him.

  He said “Alright, Jasmine. I know you still love me. I don’t understand why you want to keep playing like you don’t. I hope you understand that I’m man enough to admit my mistakes to you. Yes, how I did you was really fucked up, and I can‘t apologize enough for it. But there isn’t any way that I can’t ta
ke any of it back. If I could take it all back believe me I would do it in a heartbeat. But since I can’t I need you to at least try to forgive me.”

  I couldn’t take it anymore I had to get out of there. I grabbed my purse and began to head for the door without saying anything else to him. He hurried and put the money on the table for our bill, and ran after me.

  He stopped me outside and said “Why are you always running away from every fucking thing that you don’t want to deal with? Why can’t you be woman enough to face me and the situation? As much as you’re trying to ignore it, there is a situation between us, Jasmine. I mean I’m not trying to put you on the spot. I’m just being honest with you. I’m not the guy who hides what he is feeling anymore. So if I’m not hiding, why are you trying to hide yourself from me? You never hid yourself from me before. I’m not ashamed to yell out I love you! I love you so much. Just please forgive me, and give me another chance.”

  He then pulled me into his arms and kissed me. The kiss stole my breath away. It was something that I never felt before with him. I tried to push him off of me, but he just held onto me tighter. I couldn’t remove myself from his grasp. It started to feel good to me, and I even started to kiss him back. I quickly realized what I was doing, and I caught myself before it went too far.

  I finally removed myself from his grip and, I yelled “Just stop it, Trey! Just stop! Yes, I do still love you, but I can’t be in love with you anymore. The part of my life where Jasmine and Trey existed is over and done with. I can’t go back. I’m with someone else now.” I took a deep breath, calming myself down. “I mean, sometimes I can barely even look at you without getting angry. Looking at you reminds me of a really fucked up time in my life. For weeks I couldn’t eat, sleep, or just even fucking think. My thoughts were consumed by you day and night. All I did was cry, because my heart ached so badly for you. I used to lay awake at night wishing you would come to me. I yearned for you to wrap your arms around me, and make all the pain I was feeling go away. But as I laid there every night, my wish never came true, and the pain always remained the same. I don’t think you realize how badly you hurt me. It took so much time for me to feel like myself again. And now I’m over the situation you want to just pop back up in my life like nothing ever happened. You want to act like all is forgiven, because you weren’t on the receiving side of the heartbreak. You think that shit is fair to me? Would you be so forgiving if the shoe was on the other foot?”

  He backed off and away from me. He stood there looking at me confused. As if he couldn’t understand how I wasn’t giving in. Normally it didn’t take much for me to give in to him. I couldn’t control my emotions anymore, and the tears began to fall freely.

  I said thru my tears “Why now, Trey? Why are you trying to reenter my life? I mean I had no clue that you even still cared. I haven’t heard from or seen you in a very long time. I don’t know what it is you want from me. You have the worse timing to pull some shit like this on me.”

  As I cried, he pulled me into his arms and wiped the tears away. He then said “I don’t have any ill intentions. I’m saying all of this from the heart. I don’t have any ulterior motives. All I want is you. This is me admitting all of my wrongs, and trying to make it right. This is me confessing I made one of the biggest mistakes by letting you go. If I could, I would get down on one knee right now, and ask you to marry me. But given our current situation you wouldn’t even accept it. Yes, Jasmine maybe I don’t understand the extent to how bad I hurt you. But I’m here right now telling you I’m sorry for all of it. It kills me to know that I hurt you so bad that you don’t even look at me the same anymore. I miss the way you used to look at me, and how your eyes would smile at me. I used to be able to look into your eyes, and just knew how much you loved me. Your eyes tell it all, Jasmine. As I look into your eyes right now I can still see that love lingering there inside of you. But I can also see the hurt as well. I never had to question your love I always knew it was real. You were the only girl who was always genuine with me not matter what. I was foolish for taking all of that for granted. I really don’t know how many other ways I can apologize to you. How can I get you to understand how sorry I am? I did not intentionally do anything hurtful. If you can’t even stand to look at me I guess I don’t have any other choice but to leave you alone. I will give you space if that’s what you want. If you really are happy with him then I wouldn’t want to ruin that for you. I’m sorry for any confusion that I have caused. You really do deserve the best, and if he makes you happy then I respect it. I just wish that I could just get one last chance, so that I can be the man who makes you happy.”

  I walked out of his embrace and I stared into his eyes for a minute. I didn’t know what to say, or what to think. I knew he was being honest with me. Apart of me wanted to forgive and forget, and just start all over with him. But the pain he left in my heart was still blocking me from going back. I made up in my mind I didn’t want to give him another chance. I know I had a look of uncertainty written all over me. What I really wanted to do was jump into his arms just to feel his touch again. I wanted him to kiss my lips, and tell me again how much that he loved me over and over again.

  I ignored what I was feeling and said “I’m sorry. I just can’t do it. You knew how much I wanted to be with you, Trey, but you were just continued to string me along. You kept me holding on for your own selfish purposes so no one else could have me. It was like you didn’t want me, but you didn’t want any other man to have me either. It’s hard not to think that some of the things you did wasn’t deliberate. You did some real blatant shit in the past Trey.”

  His whole demeanor changed after I said that. He was pissed off now. So he yelled at me saying “Are you fucking serious, Jasmine? Yeah, I admit to not being the perfect man, but I’m no dog ass nigga. I wouldn’t fuck with your heart and mind because it seemed like fun. Let’s be very fucking clear I loved you just as much as you loved me. If I didn’t love you do you think we would have lasted as long as we did? I can’t believe you really just said some shit like that to me. Yeah, I fucked it up, but that doesn’t mean I loved you any less. I did some real fucked up shit in the past this is true, but it wasn’t because I wanted to see you hurting and crying.”

  He grabbed my hands and pulled me close to him. He just stared into my eyes and begged, “Please forgive me, Jasmine! Do you want me to get on my knees and beg? I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get you back.”

  I released my hands from him and I said “You don’t have to do that. Listen I accept your apology. Just forget about it all okay? What happened consider it in the past.”

  I rubbed my hand gently across his cheek as I said “I do love you, Trey, but I just can’t be with you in that way. A lot has changed in my life, and I have changed. I’m sure you have changed as well. We just aren’t the same people anymore. We both grew up. I’m not the same Jasmine you once knew, and I know you’re not the same Trey I used to know. I guess our time together has passed. I really did try for the longest time to keep us together, but it didn’t work out in the end. We lost touch, and we clearly both have moved on. Quincy is the man in my life right now. You just need to let me go, Trey.”

  He didn’t say anything else to me after that. I guess after that he was feeling defeated, and decided to leave it alone. He just walked away and got inside his truck. I stood there unsure of what this meant. So I followed behind him, and got inside the truck as well. As he drove me home he didn’t even look my way once. I could tell that his heart was broken, and his ego was deeply bruised. I figured he was pretty much done with me at this point. I couldn’t help but wonder was this really what I wanted. Why does it hurt to see Trey and I this way? I sat there silently looking out of the window fighting back my tears.

  All that could be heard was Jagged Edge’s JE Heartbreak cd playing softly in the background as we drove. I smiled slightly because I turned him into a Jagged Edge fan, and this CD was our CD. One night, after we finished making love, we
decided the song “Promise” would be our wedding song. I wondered if he even remembered that. Just as I was thinking about it the song “Promise” began to play. We both looked at each other at the same time once we heard it. At that moment, I knew he still remembered. I could see all the hurt in his eyes, and I know he could see the same in mine as well. But nothing could be done at this point. Jasmine and Trey were over. As we pulled up in front of me and Q’s house I looked around to see if Q was at home. Luckily for me he wasn’t home yet. As Trey stopped the car, he still wouldn’t even look at me.

  So I broke the silence as I said “I really hope you don’t think I’m doing all of this out of spite. I wish you could understand my position in all of this. It has not been easy for me dealing with all of this. It’s no secret how I felt about you in the past. I’m just now starting to get my life in order. I’m finally feeling content and happy just living my life. And ever since we seen one another things have gotten out of control. If you want my forgiveness, then you can have it Trey. I tired of feeling the anger I am finally letting all of it go. I am being sincere in saying I forgive you, Trey. I never really gave myself a real chance to get over what happened between us. I just chose to bury it deep down inside of me, and act like it never happened. Seeing and talking to you gave me the closure I needed. I don’t want to stop talking to you. It really does feel good to be able to see, and talk to you like we used to. But in order for us to do that you have to respect that I’m in a relationship with Q. If you can’t respect my relationship with Quincy then we can’t be friends.”