Running Away From Love

by Jessica Tamara

  I lowered my eyes avoiding eye contact with her as I said “No, I haven’t told anyone about this not even Q. I wanted it to be a surprise for everyone. I was going to announce it at the wedding reception later today.” I felt like shit for lying to my mom, but my truth was way too complicated. I wouldn’t even know how to explain all of this. I knew that she could sense that I wasn’t telling her the truth, but before she could say anything else there was a knock at the door. I felt slightly relieved whoever was at the door just saved me. She got up and answered it, and it was London standing there. My mom smiled and said “Oh my goodness, London, where have you been? I’m so glad that you and Jasmine have finally put your differences aside. Look how big you have gotten. You’re about ready to have that baby any day now I see. Come on in and sit down we were just putting the finishing touches on Jasmine.”

  London smiled and said “Yeah, mom, I made it for Jasmine’s big day. I’m a month away from my due date, but I wouldn’t miss this day. I do feel like a blimp; this little boy is growing way to fast in there.” We made eye contact with each other and smiled. I felt relieved that she was here. It would have been beyond devastating if she was a no show.

  She turned to my mom and said “Hey, mom, would you mind if I get a moment alone to talk with Jasmine?”

  She said “No, not at all honey.” She turned to me and said “Jasmine, I will see you downstairs in a few. Your father will be waiting downstairs to walk you down.”

  I nodded and said okay as my mom walked out. It was an awkward silence for a moment between us and I hated it. So I decided to break the silence and said “Wow, so it’s a little boy? Have you come up with a name for him yet?”

  She smiled and said “No, not yet. We want to see what he looks before we decide on a name. But I know he better play football or something this boy is already nine pounds and I have another month to go.”

  I laughed as I said “Damn you may have a ten pound baby. Yeah, his big butt better be an athlete.” After we shared a laugh both of our moods turned serious again. There was so much that needed to be said between us. All I wanted was my best friend back.

  I decided to speak up again saying “Listen, London, I know that things have been very different between us lately. I know you do not agree with me being with Q let alone marrying him. But I just wish you wouldn’t judge my decisions. I really just need you to just be my friend, and support me even if you think I’m dead ass wrong. If I’m making a mistake then let me make that mistake. I hate my relationship with Q is coming between us. I don’t need you to always feel the need to protect me. I am fully aware of all of the decisions that I am making London.”

  She said “I agree I don’t want a man to come between us either. All I ever wanted you to do was take a step back, and think this thing all the way through. I still don’t think he is the right man for you. But if you have made up your mind about him then I will accept it. But that hasn’t been the only reason why I have been upset with you. After we talked in the bathroom at my wedding reception a pregnancy test fell out of your purse. And judging by the weight that you have put on it’s safe to say you’re pregnant. Your boobs look much bigger, and you have never had breasts before. It has really bothered and hurt me to know that you were keeping a secret like that from me. What would make you think that you couldn’t tell me?”

  It totally sucked that everyone waited until now to confront me about my pregnancy. But I understood why she was upset with me. This was a huge secret to keep from her. So I said “Listen I’m sorry, London. This pregnancy definitely was not planned. It caught me by surprise trust me. I had planned on telling everyone at the wedding reception later today.”

  London just glared at me and said angrily “Listen, I need you to stop lying like right fucking now! This whole thing is getting out of control. You need to come back down to reality and face the truth! I don’t know what you have been trying to convince yourself of lately but it ends today. You and I both know the real reason why you’re keeping your pregnancy a secret. The baby you’re carrying is Trey’s, not Quincy’s. I know Quincy had been trying to get you pregnant for a while. But from what you told me, you made him wear condoms every time. From what you described about that night with, Trey I’m pretty sure you two didn’t use a condom in the heat of the moment. After I thought about it I put it all together the signs were there. During the time you were home you were constantly feeling sick and sleeping. Listen I know the situation you are in is a really messed up one I get it. You’re stuck between two men who you love. But as I’m looking at you now I can tell all of this has taking its toll on you. You don’t look like the silly and cool Jasmine; you look miserable right now. Today is your wedding day, and there isn’t the slightest amount of joy within you. When I got married I was overwhelmed by all of the love and happiness that I felt. That feeling is electric and contagious where anyone around you can instantly feel it. But it isn’t the same with your wedding day, Jasmine, and I know that you feel it too. I promise you I’m really not trying to ruin your wedding day. I just wish you would open your eyes, and see this for what it is. Marriage is serious, and you should not play with it. You need to be sure you’re marrying the right man, and under the right circumstances. Now I do not like or respect Quincy for what he did to you. But you are dead ass wrong for carrying on like this with him. Especially knowing the fact that you’re pregnant with another man’s child. Anyone with eyes can tell you really do not love him enough to marry him. You keep talking about the way that he and Trey deceived you, but yet here you are doing the same thing maybe even worse than the both of them. So in reality what you’re doing right now makes you no better than either of them. I know that you’re much better than that, Jasmine.”

  Damn she just read the hell out me, and I couldn’t say anything in defense because it was all true. There is no possible way for me to justify my actions. I am dead ass wrong! After she finished saying what she had to say she pulled me in and just hugged me. She then said “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to come off mean or rude to you at all. But I felt like I needed to be brutally honest with you. I needed to finally get all of that off my chest, and you needed to hear all of that. If nothing else I really hope that you heard me Jasmine. But you are 100 percent right. You are a grown woman, and are free to make your own decisions however you see fit. As your friend I will be here for you no matter what.”

  Then she left the room, leaving her words etched into my brain. My stomach was now in knots, and my palms had begun to sweat. That conversation with London hit me like a ton of bricks. Q has told me that he is willing to work things out with me under any circumstance. He knows about me and Trey sleeping together. But I spared him the details on everything that happened that night. I know that he will be far from understanding once he finds out I’m pregnant with Trey’s child. I sat down at a vanity set that was in my room. I just stared at myself in the mirror, and I did not like what I saw looking back at me. All of my lies made me look and feel so ugly. London was absolutely right what I was doing was terrible, and not even Quincy deserved it. I needed to come clean about everything. Whatever happened afterwards I would just have to deal with. So I got up heading towards the door with the intent of clearing my conscious.

  As I opened the door, much to my surprise, I found Trey standing there. I was beyond shocked to see him here. How did he even know about me getting married? We haven’t spoken since that night. I couldn’t stop my heart from smiling though. Judging by the expression on his face he wasn’t very happy with me. I opened up the door wider inviting him to come inside. He walked in without saying a word to me. I closed the door behind him and stood close to the door. I had no idea how this conversation was going to go. So mentally I prepared myself for the worst. I was determined to maintain my distance though. Whenever he is too close to me it is never a good thing. I always melt whenever I am in his presence. And just like clockwork he motioned for me to come to him. I obeyed and walked towards him cautiously though. H
e pulled me into his space by my waist and just stared into my eyes. I could swear he was taking a glimpse into my soul by the way he was looking at me.

  After about a minute of silence he finally spoke up saying “Looking at you in this wedding dress is so crazy to me. Never in a million years would I have imagined another man would be waiting for my bride. It has driven me insane knowing that you just up and cut me out of your life like that. You acted like the night we spent together was some type of one night stand. You chose to act like you didn’t feel a thing when you and I both know that’s the furthest thing from the truth. I guess it was karma for how I did you in the past. I never understood your pain until it happened to me. The shit hurt. Not being able to have the one you love in the way you want them is hard. I have hated being apart from you. Whenever you’re in my world nothing makes me feel more complete and happy.”

  Being this close to him I took in his scent and gazed into his eyes. I could feel his pain with every word that he spoke. I felt terrible I ever caused him any pain. Pain was one thing I never wanted to cause him. I couldn’t form any words I was speechless frozen in this moment. He moved me away so he could get a good look at me then he said “I see that you put on some weight since the last time that I saw you. You got thick in all the right places. I wonder what the reason is behind that. Is there something you need to tell me?”

  As soon as he said it I knew he knew. And it was London who had told him. She just had to fucking intervene. I moved out of his grasp creating some space between us as I said “It’s funny how everyone picks today to want to confront me about issues that they have with me. What makes you think there I something that I need to tell you?”

  He smirked at my response then said “Still being stubborn I see. Even after all of this you still want to be on some other shit with me? You act like I don’t know you Jasmine. You never could lie to me. When you’re lying you always refuse to answer the question. You’re doing that right now why am I not surprised. The reality is the night we were together we didn’t use a condom, and I know I made no attempts to pull out either. I was told that we may have created a love child that night. Judging by the weight you’ve put on since that time I’m thinking that it might be true. The only thing on my mind now is that it’s pretty fucked up that once again you weren’t going to tell me. I mean seriously what were you really going to do about this situation, Jasmine? I am really interested to know what your plan was to flip this. Were you going to try and pass it off as being Quincy’s child? Just thinking that you were possibly going to do that makes me fucking sick. I’ve known you for a very long time, but never in a million years would I have thought you were capable of doing some shit like this. All you keep saying is how scared you or whatever, but that is no longer an excuse for the shit you have been doing, Jasmine. What I do know is the longer you keep on trying to avoid the situation you’re only making things worse for everyone involved. I know in the past I was the worst kind of man to you trust me, baby, I get it. I also know I was not there for you when you needed me the most. I understand that in the past I let you down countless times. Yes, that also includes the last time you were pregnant with my child. I completely understand why you might have feared telling me about you being pregnant now. I’m not blind; I can see all of the hurt in you. I have tried till I was blue in the face to apologize for it all. You just wouldn’t accept it no matter what I said or did. You’re so hell bent on holding on to the past. What you’re failing to realize is you will never be able to move forward with anyone unless you let go of the past. Once I heard the news about you getting married I was so angry with you. I wasn’t even going to come here, and say shit to you about any of this. I was trying to convince myself to let you go. But as you can see I’m standing here right now because I just can’t let you go. At this point I am tired of going back and forth with you. If you really are carrying my child, then marrying him shouldn’t even be an option. Jasmine and Trey should be preparing for the arrival of their first child together. We should be starting a family with you as my wife and me as your husband. The ring on your finger should have been placed there by me and only me. Maybe I should have come after you that night and things would be different. But I didn’t and I cannot change that. As of right now I am not concerned about what should have or could have been. If you needed confirmation that I love you, Jasmine, then open your eyes and really look at me, standing here in front of your face. There shouldn’t be any more doubt in your mind or heart. Open up your eyes, baby, I am right here! I have placed my pride aside so many times just to be here right now.”

  He extended his hand to me and said “If you really love me and are done hiding, Jasmine, take my hand and we will walk out of here together. If you take my hand you have to give us a real chance at starting over. All I’m asking of you is to give me a chance to make everything right. But I’m telling you right now, this is my last time putting myself out there for you. If you don’t accept my hand, there will not be another time I will be there for you. If you go down there and marry him then that is my sign to let you go. Being that you’re pregnant I will do what I have to do to be in my child’s life. Trust me when I say that me a being a father to that child will happen with or without you.”

  I froze in place staring at his hand extended out to me. Whenever I am faced with the idea he and I, I instantly become paralyzing with anxiety and fear. The past love and heartbreak I had with him haunts me. Despite my mind being clouded with uncertainty there is no mistaking the love I have for this man. Just the sight of him can brighten up months of cloudy days that has hung over me. Just as I was about to take his hand he snatched his hand away. I was confused as to what I did wrong.

  He said angrily “Wow, Jasmine if really takes you that long to think about it then I guess that gives me my answer. I need to just accept the fact that you will never forgive me for what happened years ago. It’s crazy how this nigga can cheat, and smack the shit out of you. But you were so willing to forgive him just like that. I never did anything remotely as fucked up as what he has done, and still you won’t even consider giving me another chance. So if you want to marry this dude then I won’t stand in your way anymore. When a woman really loves a man a decision like this is simple. All she has to do is follow her heart. But I forget who I’m talking to. This is Jasmine, the woman who just refuses to listen her heart. I’m finally willing to accept that I can’t make you do anything that isn’t in your heart to do. Just run away like you usually do. I’m numb to it now.”

  I stood there speechless. I was finally ready to take the leap, but now he wants to push me away. I wanted to scream. But at this point I really had no more fight left in me. I couldn’t even form any words my tears just flowed as I pulled down my veil covering my face. I turned and walked away from him. I met my dad downstairs, and prepared for my walk down the aisle.

  My emotions were all over the place I was a complete mess. If my dad wasn’t holding onto me I was sure my legs were going to give out sending me crashing down to the floor. The doors to the church opened and the wedding march song began to play. There were so many people here, and as soon as everyone saw me they gasped. I guess I really did make a beautiful bride. As me and my dad walked down the aisle I couldn’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes.

  My dad looked at me concerned and whispered into my ear asking “Baby girl, are you okay?”

  I couldn’t form any words through my tears all I could do was cry. My heart was aching in the worse way. Trey’s words destroyed me. I realized just how selfish I have been this whole time. I was only focused on how all of this was affecting Jasmine. I didn’t care to even pay the slightest bit of attention to the fact that I wasn’t the only one hurting in this love triangle I had created. As I made my way down the aisle I glanced towards London and my mom. Their facial expressions told me they didn’t approve. They knew my heart wasn’t in this relationship with Q.

  Quincy was waiting on me anxiously at the end of the aisle. H
e looked very handsome in his black tuxedo. His eyes seemed to light up as he looked at me in my dress. He mouthed the words I love you to me. I really didn’t doubt he loved me. If he didn’t we wouldn’t be where we are right now. As soon as I got close, I knew he would notice I was crying. I’m sure he would assume they were tears of joy. Everyone was seated once I made my way to the altar.

  The pastor asked “Who gives this woman to this man?” My father spoke up saying that he does. He kissed my tear stained cheeks and told me he loved me as he gave my hand to Quincy. Quincy took my hand, leading me up to stand by his side. He stared and smiled at me. As I looked into his eyes I realized what I was doing to him was wrong. I can’t think about myself anymore. I needed to come clean about everything. I didn’t love him like I used to. In the beginning everything was so beautiful, and in no time I fell head over heels in love with this man. Unfortunately our love was now tainted with lies and infidelity. The bond we once shared was broken, and lord knows I really tried to put it all behind me. But how could I look past what was constantly in my face? Maybe if I never ran into Trey that night things might be different. Maybe the love I held in my heart for Trey would have disappeared over time, and I could have worked things out with Quincy. But I couldn’t ignore the fact that Quincy lived one big ass lie our entire relationship. He wasn’t the man I thought he was. He was out here acting like I didn’t exist as he fucked other women behind my back. But what hurt the most was that in the same breathe he would stand by my side claiming to love only me.