Running Away From Love

by Jessica Tamara

  As the pastor continued on with his speech I zoned out on everything going on around me. I glanced towards the door and I saw Trey standing there staring at me. As soon as we made eye contact he just turned and walked away. Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. This marriage to Q is a huge mistake. The thought of never seeing Trey again was too much to bear as my reality. The room was now beginning to spin, and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I gasped for air as I removed the veil covering my face. My tear and mascara stained eyes and cheeks were exposed.

  I doubled over trying to catch my breath. I screamed out saying “Oh my God! I can’t breathe, please stop!”

  The pastor stopped talking and everyone stood up from their seats gazing at me with concern. I was having a full on panic attack. Quincy rushed to my aid and held me up with a panicked and confused look on his face. He said concerned “Just breathe, baby. It’s okay. I’m right here.” Once everything went silent I was able to catch my breath. I was afraid to even look at Quincy. I felt horrible for what I was about to say, but I knew it was something had to be said.

  I looked directly into his eyes as I spoke saying “I’m so sorry to do this to you, Quincy, but I can’t marry you. I have not been honest with you or myself. I’m sure you know just as much as I do that things have not been right between you and I. And still, as I stand here, it doesn’t feel right. What we once shared just isn’t the same. I don’t honestly think you really have accepted the magnitude of what happened to us. You just chose to ignore everything like it was some type of bad dream. Well it wasn’t a dream, Q, it was real. It is a reality that is centered on the both of us. You and I can’t continue on acting like the issues between us don’t exist. It bothers me that you act like I can’t tell you had some type of feelings for that chick. You took her places, bought her things, and showed her love like you were in a relationship with her. I could have possibly handled it a lot better if it was a one night stand. But I came to find out it was a continuous ‘fuck your feelings.’ What I expected from you, Quincy was acknowledgement of what it really was with her. I wanted to see you be vulnerable with me, and act as if losing what we had was not an option for you.

  “Let me know without a shadow of a doubt that this thing between us is real. Even after all of this time I still don’t feel like I have any closure in regards to that situation. Yeah you kept saying how sorry you were, but sorry doesn’t make it better. I needed time with you to mend what was broken. You left me out there to fix emotionally what you broke. I feel like I don’t even really know the man you really are. I only knew what you allowed me to see. You’re so damn guarded with your feelings lately that it’s hard to tell what you’re really feeling half of the time. You speak more about how you feel on social media than you do to me your woman. Your baby on the way with Lisa will be a constant reminder of your infidelity to me. How do you think that makes me feel as you’re soon to be wife? That chick will always have the upper hand, being that she has your child. I don’t think I would ever get comfortable enough to deal with that for the rest of my life.

  “How I feel right now is every time I see her I want to bash her damn face into the pavement. This whole cheating thing was spread out for the whole world to see. Me at my most vulnerable state was on public display. I had to deal with all the whispering behind my back everywhere that I went. There were people who knew nothing about us given the chance to have an opinion on our relationship all because of what you did. My embarrassment was plastered on every single blog and gossip sites. I had every people out there making jokes about my life. I’m hearing this chick coming out her mouth all sideways about me. Not once did you even step in and check her ass. I know you have seen all of the things she was saying about me. The only thing that saved her from me beating her ass is that she is carrying your child. It was so hard for me, Quincy, and you never once seemed to try and understand how I was feeling. Many nights I just cried just out of pure frustration. I felt like I was all alone in all of this. All you cared about was keeping me away from Trey.”

  I could see him getting angrier with every word I spoke. He finally yelled at me saying “Are you fucking serious, Jasmine! You wait until now, our wedding day, to spring all of this shit on me! You should have spoken up on how you were feeling way before we even got to this point. It sounds like you are saying you don’t love me anymore. You want to walk away from me, and put an end us for good? Well listen to me very closely, Jasmine, I’m not letting you walk away from me. I have said over and over again how sorry I am for what I did. You think all of this has been easy for me? It hurts me to know the woman I love constantly looks at me sideways now. The reason why I am not around much is because you make me so damn uncomfortable now. The way you look at me with disgust even after I came clean about everything. You question every little thing I do and say. I know how bad I hurt you, Jasmine. The hurt is written all over your face. I see it every time I look into your eyes. The Jasmine I came to love isn’t with me anymore. I have noticed you don’t even smile or laugh anymore. Your sleep most of the time, or spend time at your office avoiding being around me. Yes, I have noticed the difference between us. I just don’t know what to do to fix this shit. So I just ignored it, and acted like it doesn’t exist. I figured you just needed time. So I stayed out of your way and gave you space. But you know who I am, Jasmine. I’m the man you fell in love with. That man is standing in front of you right now. Yes, I made some really bad decisions that make you doubt me. And maybe I didn’t do as much as I could have to fix the problem. But I thought my asking you to marry me showed just how much I want you in my life.”

  I kept quiet and just let him talk. He continued on saying “But somehow I get the feeling that this isn’t just about me and you. You’re not saying everything. I’m willing to bet this really has something to do with you and your ex. Ever since you saw that nigga you’ve been acting different. You want to talk about me, but let’s not act like you’re such an angel. You have played your own little role in some of our problems. You act like I can’t tell you still love that man. But for the life of me I don’t understand why. This is the same nigga who dismissed and dropped your ass once he got on. This is the same man who broke you down in every way he possibly could, but then you met me, Jasmine. It was me who single handily rebuilt you back up to the woman standing here right now. I picked up the pieces of your broken heart, and your confidence piecing it back together piece by piece. Yeah, I fucked up and so did he. I’m tired of competing with him when it comes to you. It’s been a tug of war when it comes to your ex ever since I’ve met you. I really can’t grasp the fact that you’re standing here questioning if I love you. If I wasn’t in love with you, Jasmine, would we even be standing here right now? Look around you, Jasmine. We are in a church about to be married. Feel the expensive ass wedding dress you have on its all real. Would I have paid for this big ass wedding if I didn’t want the world to know how much I love only you? Listen, I know and understand how hard it will be for you going forward. Me having this baby with Lisa is a lot, I understand that. Maybe I rushed us into getting married before we really worked out our issues. But please, Jasmine, I’m begging you not to do this. Just give me a chance to fix this. We don’t have to get married right now if that’s not what you want. We can postpone all of this, and just work on us. Please just don’t do this, baby, I’m begging you.”

  I began to cry as I said “Yes, you did take the time, and you brought me back to life. And for that I will forever be grateful to you. I’m sorry I can’t marry you. Maybe you need to try being a family with Lisa, and your unborn child. A child deserves to be brought into the world with their family intact. I really don’t see me fitting into that equation. To answer your question, yes, I can finally admit to you and also to myself that I still am in love with Trey. Even after all of the bad we have gone through, I still seem to feel the same for him. It’s not fair to you or him for me to keep lying to myself about who my heart belongs too. After all he is going to
be the father of my unborn child. I have been keeping this a secret, but I am pregnant, and the father of my child is Trey. I’m so sorry for telling you like this, especially in front of all of these people. I really hope one day you will forgive me for all of this. It was never my intention to deceive or make you hurt in any way. I was afraid to admit the truth, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone including myself. But marrying you would be one of the worst decisions for the both of us.

  At this point, it didn’t even matter to me that all of my dirty laundry was being broadcasted for everyone to hear. As soon as everything was said, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could finally breathe again. As I looked at Q’s facial expression it showed so many different emotions. I saw his anger and his hurt increase as he processed everything I had just revealed. I no longer cared how he felt anymore. All I cared about was making everything right between Trey and I. I took off my engagement ring and placed it into his hand. I turned around hiked up my dress and ran down the aisle as fast as I could to go find my man. I could hear Quincy screaming after me, but I tuned everything out. All that mattered to me in this moment was getting to Trey. As soon as I was outside of the church I scanned the streets trying to spot him. I prayed I wasn’t too late. As my eyes searched the streets I couldn’t find him. My eyes began to well up as the thought of losing him for good burned inside of my mind. I could feel myself about to completely lose it. But just before I completely freaked out, I spotted him just across the street from the church. He was staring directly at me. I wondered what he was doing there. Was he waiting for me? But all I know is that for once I didn’t run away I ran right to him. I darted across the street not caring about the oncoming traffic. All I could think about was just getting to him. As I ran across the street it was like everyone stopped and stared at the runaway bride.

  As soon as we were face to face I smiled, but his face was expressionless. I decided I wanted to do all of the talking this time. So I said “Every time we are face to face I never get the chance to say everything that I feel. I know what I’m about to say may be too little too late, but I’m going to say it anyway. If you decide you could care less, then I understand. All I’m asking you to do right now is just listen without talking. First I just want to apologize to you, Trey, for how long it has taken me to get to this point. I know I have put you on an emotional rollercoaster, and for that I apologize. The truth is I am still very much in love with you, and I do not think I ever stopped loving you. I have tried my best to forget about you. I did have Quincy in my life for a while, but it was always a void there he couldn’t seem to fill within me. All of this time I ignored it, and diverted my focus on something else. But what has been missing this whole time is you. The moment we reconnected that emptiness was filled just by your presence alone. When you told me how you felt I will admit it was so hard for me to accept it at first. I had no clue how to accept everything you were trying to convey to me. At the time I just couldn’t look past all of the hurt that surrounded us. I’ve been running away from anything that had to do with you and me. I’m tired of running, Trey. You were right; the odds of us running into each other like we did that night was very slim. I hadn’t seen you in such a long time, and running into you so randomly would make you think it was for a reason. I know I have been the epitome of stubborn, and I have been carrying on in the worst possible way.

  “It has not been easy for me, and my behavior didn’t make matters any better I know. I am sorry for any hurt I caused you from my selfishness. I was confused and torn between two men in my life. My being scared to deal with reality lead to so many things that could have been avoided. The truth is, I am about three months pregnant. I have been hiding this pregnancy from everyone. The baby I’m carrying is yours, Trey. I fully understand that you may question that being that I was in a relationship with Quincy at the time. Once my baby is born we can get a DNA test; I won’t dispute that in any way. The night we made love is now even more special to me. It was the day our baby was conceived. And even if we don’t end up together, I will always know the day our child was conceived his or her parents were at least in love. There is no more Jasmine and Quincy. I walked away from it all, because I finally realized all I want and need is with you. When we’re together I feel whole, and when we’re apart I’m in pieces. As cliché and corny as it may sound you really do complete me. I have loved you since I was sixteen and it just hasn’t gone away. Please just tell me I’m not too late, and that you still love me. I know I may not deserve your forgiveness, but I really hope you give me another chance.”

  It felt really good getting all of that off of my chest. I finally got to tell him how I feel and it felt great. But as I stared into his eyes I had no idea what he was thinking. His facial expression didn’t change it was still blank and cold staring back at me. I had hoped that as I continued talking he would at least warm up to me a little bit. Almost immediately a nervous feeling grew in the pit of my stomach. The thought that he hated me made was devastating. My not taking his hand right away will haunt me forever. The silence between us seemed like it was lasting for an eternity. I didn’t even realize that tears were now streaming down my face. He stood still as if he was looking right through to my soul. I finally allowed myself to open up and I was fully exposed.

  Finally I said defeated “I’m sorry for everything.”

  After I said that I just turned around and started walking away. I had no idea where I was going I just needed to get as far away from here as I possibly could. I felt like such a fool. Every conversation between him and I played out in my mind as I wandered aimlessly. I fucked up badly and there is no way I could deny it. Somehow, I ended up walking to central park. I found a park bench, and sat down to catch my breath. My feet were killing me I had walked quite a distance in my high heels. I was getting annoyed by all the people stopping and staring at me. Then I remembered I was still in my wedding dress. The only thing I could feel at this point was numb. I rubbed my stomach seeking comfort from my child. I knew everyone was probably losing their minds trying to figure out where I ran off to. I had no phone or money on me. I most definitely didn’t want to go back to the house Quincy and I shared together. I needed to start thinking about how was I going to get all of my things, and my dog without seeing him. I had no idea what my next move was going to be. I guess in my mind I had hoped things would have worked out differently between Trey and I. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. It was a beautiful summer day there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I kept my eyes closed and let the sun and summer breeze cover me. I just needed a moment to take in everything that had just unfolded. I needed to process how my life ended up being this big ass mess. But I knew that for my child’s sake I had to get my shit together. I was lost in my thoughts when I felt someone sit down next to me. How I was feeling at this point I didn’t care to even see who it was. I kept my eyes closed, but the tears continuously streamed down my face. Thinking about the fact that Trey no longer cared was devastating, and it was all my fault.

  I felt someone wipe the tears from my eyes, and I jumped out of my trance startled ready to fight. When I opened my eyes I saw it was Trey who was sitting next to me. As he wiped away my tears he said “So you still haven’t gotten enough of running away from me? No more crying, Jasmine. It’s crazy how we’re both so damn stubborn when it comes to this love shit. We both fucked up a lot trying to fight this thing between us. Yet and still despite all of the bad here we are. I think we both have done everything possible to fuck things up. There isn’t anything else left for us to fuck up.”

  I finally stopped crying as I said “How did you even know where I was?”

  He smiled as he said “I never left your side. I followed a couple steps behind you as you wandered the streets. I know I didn’t have much to say when you finally spoke up, but I heard you loud and clear, baby.”

  He opened up his arms and I cuddled up next to him resting my head on his chest. It was still the
same his heartbeat was still in sync with mine.

  I said “I’m sorry to have done that to you. I made a huge mess of everything. I never meant to hurt you I really need you to understand me when I say that. I am really embarrassed and ashamed about how I carried myself recently. I just hope you can forgive me, and we can start over.” Trey flashed me a bright smile as he made me face him.

  He said “Listen how about going forward we both agree to forgive each other. No more running away from me, Jasmine. Let’s just focus on our future together, starting with my prince that’s growing in there.”

  After he said that, he bent down and kissed my stomach gently. I laughed as I said “What makes you so sure that it isn’t a princess in there?”

  He smiled as he rubbed my stomach and said “I just feel it. That’s Treyson Jr in there, and my boy is gonna come out looking just like me.”

  I smiled and laughed as I said “Oh, my God! Two Treyson’s in my life. Lord give me strength not to lose my mind.”

  He teased me saying “Let’s get out of here, and get you out of this dress, runaway bride.”

  I laughed as I said “Yeah, I get the feeling that everyone is staring at me. They are looking at you like the enemy.”