Lost Nowhere: A journey of self-discovery in a fantasy world

by Phoebe Garnsworthy

  “Papa, do you know what it is? No beginning and no end,” Lily asked as she ran her finger inside the circle of the serpent. “There’s a word for that, isn’t there?”

  “You’re thinking of infinity. It has no beginning and no end. Yes, you are right, it does represent infinity,” Father replied as Lily continued to stare at the object carefully. To eat one’s own tail. What a strange thing to do, she thought.

  “Papa I want to wear it on my necklace, do you think it will fit?”

  Lily pulled the chain below her chin as she examined it carefully, seeing if the colors of gold complimented each other.

  “We can certainly try darling. I think your mother would like that too,” he nodded, helping to attach it to her necklace.

  She fastened the jewelry back around her neck and walked over to the mirrored wardrobe sitting against the wall. The charm clicked oddly against the gold when she moved, but she wore it proudly anyway. The chain once belonged to her mother and she gave it to Lily just before she died. Lily had never taken it off, and even though she didn't know her mother, she felt closer to her just from wearing it. And now a pendant hung low across her chest, beautifully decorating her décolleté like a true adult. Lily admired herself in the reflective glass, and felt different somehow. The serpent sat flat on her chest, and Lily felt an unusual attachment to it already.

  The coolness of the crystals in the eyes protruded prominently against her skin. It created an electrical current that zipped into her heart, creating a vibrational frequency that resonated loudly inside her. She placed her hand over the charm and felt the energy amplify; it calmed her and yet at the same time propelled an adrenalin rush throughout her body. She shivered. It reminded her of the ocean. How the quick cool breeze travels from the horizon and runs across the waves to touch her. She liked to think that the wind was roaming from different lands, coming to her to caress her skin and comb through the finite pieces of her curly brown hair. It made her feel awake and alive. And she smiled with wide-open eyes, turning back to her father, who was standing with his hands in his navy short pockets, eagerly awaiting her approval.

  “Come on Papa, show me what else you got,” she said while holding her hand out to her father, eager to explore the rest of the house.

  They turned to the right and walked through the long hallway, talking about filling the empty spaces with memories gone by. Lily’s favorite painting was of her mother when she was younger, sitting in the garden. She loved the way her face looked so peaceful while she stared into the distance, her body surrounded by colorful flowers. Lily chose the perfect place to hang it, so she could walk past it every day and say I love you. Her father agreed.

  The living area was next—velvet lounges and a floor covered with an antique black and cream carpet, it had an intricate design that looked almost like a maze. Lily followed the lines on the ground as they weaved in and out of the labyrinth pattern. The colors of black and cream chased each other with madness. Lily hoped to find an exit but the journey brought her back to where she started from, a continuous cycle that seemed to remind her of the serpent charm she now wore around her neck.

  Next, she ran her hand over the edge of the wooden frame that supported the velvet maroon lounge, and tapped alternatively between the wood and the fabric, feeling the distinction of soft and hard surfaces, left to right and right to left. The lounge was more of a seat to perch daintily on, rather than a comfy sofa to relax in. It faced two other chairs and they surrounded a low marble table. Lily could see an image of three women sitting around having tea, while a delicious cake stand sat proudly in the middle. The ladies all looked to one another as they sipped on their delicate teacups painted with floral prints and gold trimmings, and Lily could hear the sounds of classical piano music playing faintly in the distance. She blinked and they disappeared, leading her to wonder how it was that the ancient mansion was playing with her imagination, showing her past times from before she was alive.

  “Papa, tell me more about this house,” Lily asked inquisitively, secretly searching for answers as to whether her visions were real, as she bounced on the chairs one by one.

  “Only one family ever lived here, and it was passed on generation to generation. The last lady who lived here is still alive at eighty-six years old and lives in a home not far from here. She wants to come tomorrow and see the house one last time. Would you like to meet her?”

  Lily looked away, ignoring her father, which was her usual mannerism when the subject matter changed to something she wasn’t interested in.

  “Lily, I’m talking to you,” he asked again, lifting her chin up so their eyes were synchronized. “Would you like to meet the lady who used to live here?”

  Lily wriggled again uncomfortably.

  “Papa, I won’t know how to talk to her though. She’s so old.”

  Lily could feel the nerves caged beneath her chest tapping on the inside of her skin. They were making noise inside her stomach, jumping up and down on her heart like a trampoline, and pulling on her intestines like a tug of war. They had the ability to take over her mind sometimes. Knowing that they were waiting for a moment to show their faces had the ability to scare Lily more than the news itself.

  “Lily there is something to be learned from everyone,” he tried to rationalize. “Perhaps you could ask her what her life was like when she was your age?”

  “I guess.” She shrugged her shoulders lightly. “I’m just not sure how knowing that would benefit me.” She wiped her sweaty palms onto the base of her skirt, not caring if it got dirty.

  “Just because you don’t understand how something affects you, doesn’t mean that it won’t.”

  Lily rolled her eyes at her father and took a long drawn-out sigh. Talking about it didn’t help the situation. Why do I have to do things I don’t want to do? she thought. It was going to be the same argument again, and so she prompted her father to continue exploring the house.

  “What’s through those doors?” Lily asked as she pointed to two colorful stained glass doors behind them. A bright light shone through the floral artwork on the doors powerfully, reminding Lily of a kaleidoscope she once had. Father shook his head as though giving in, and he unlocked the doors to the outside veranda. Leaning against a brick platform in the far edge, he invited Lily to join him.

  Lily swiftly followed, but as she entered through the kaleidoscope doors, the sunlight didn’t stop twirling, and it continued to flicker quickly on everything in sight. It moved so vigorously that it was distracting. She stood still trying to adjust her eyes, but all she could see was tiny particles of light floating through the air. The speckles of light seemed to dance playfully, and although she was standing perfectly still, she felt herself move too. She moved so quickly in a vibrating force of back and forth, side to side, that it made her question whether the rainbow colors of flickering light were in fact from the outside sun itself or whether she was looking at a reflection of what she was experiencing inside of her.

  “You look deep in thought Lily, what is it?”

  The familiar voice brought her back into the moment. It was her father.

  “Papa, I saw something strange,” Lily replied shyly, stopping in her footsteps, hesitant to walk out to the veranda.

  “What did you see, Lily?” he asked, coming back toward her, holding his hand out to encourage her to keep moving forward.

  “Sparkles of light in the air,” she whispered, not wanting them to disappear, although slightly disturbed by the supernatural sensation. “I see them floating around me, just for a split second, and then my eyes calm down and when I look at the sky they are gone.” She found her voice, remembering how real they had felt to look at, reliving the same vibration as though she were still experiencing that exact moment of reality. “But I still remember them, I remember seeing something amongst nothing. It’s weird, isn’t it?” she asked nervously, taking her father’s hand and walking toward the veranda edge.

  “Perhaps it’s just your ey
es adjusting to the light? I don’t think it is anything to be concerned about darling. It is a gift to see things that no one else can.”

  He reassured her that her thoughts were not queer, and guided her to the brick platform that marked the end of the veranda. She gasped at the beautiful sight. For there in front of her stood an enormous backyard, full of luscious green trees, tall grass, an abundance of flowers and a beautiful three-tier fountain. And in the very far distance she could see a blue creek with a peaceful flowing stream.

  “Papa, is this really all ours?” Lily asked as she looked over the land, wanting to dive off the veranda and fly through the garden.

  “Yes darling, do you like it?”

  Lily nodded in approval, still too proud to accept that maybe this house could be better than the last one, and that maybe her father was right.

  She looked down below, staring at the different heights of the trees. A faint pebbled pathway weaved between the flowerbeds, as it made its way down the slightly slanted hill. It led to an open field of grass, where a gardener was chopping the hedges.

  “Lily, the gardener is waving to you, wave at him!” Father instructed as he flapped his arms in giant swinging motions.

  “No way!” Lily rebutted rudely, looking in the opposite direction. “I don’t want to associate with the help.”

  She snubbed her nose and stared at the fountain, admiring the water pouring lavishly in excess.

  “I do not believe my own child just uttered those words,” her father replied with disbelief, and turned to his daughter, lifting her chin up to face his eyes. “Never discriminate that which you do not understand. You are no better than him do you hear me?”

  Lily shook her head quickly in an attempt to dismiss the play of events. She felt guilty immediately and could hear voices repeating her father’s words, telling her how bad she was for thinking that way. Although she knew the gardener didn't hear her she could sense that perhaps he could feel her disapproval. No, but that's crazy, he can't telepathically hear me, can he? she thought quietly to herself.

  “Yes father. But, does he not work for us?” she said in an attempt to justify her actions.

  “That is the exact reason why you should be grateful to him. He is sharing his time for your benefit, Lily. I can’t believe I have raised such a spoiled girl, why is it that you even think this way?” He spoke sternly, demanding an explanation. Lily didn't even know where the words had come from, or whether she even believed them.

  “Well, the girls at school. . .”

  “I am so happy that you are never going to that school again if this is how the girls at your old school behaved,” he interrupted her. “How could you be such a fool? You need more positive influences in your life.”

  Lily had never seen her father angry like that before. She realized perhaps she was being too harsh on him, and on the new house. His eyes were glaring at her, barely blinking, and she could feel the affliction her words had created.

  “I think you should go to your room, Lily,” he ordered, smiling greatly at the gardener as though to make up for Lily’s outburst.

  “No Papa, I am sorry, please forgive me. I’m so grateful for this new house, I would love to see more of it,” she pleaded, running after her father who was walking back inside.

  “You are acting like such a spoiled girl and I can only blame myself,” he said disheartened, stopping in his steps from Lily having blocked his entrance.

  “Papa it’s not your fault at all. You are right; I am too impressionable from these other kids. I promise I will use my own judgment in future. Please forgive me,” she begged again, realizing that perhaps she had gone too far this time. “I’m so grateful for this house, please tell me more about it.”

  Father nodded gravely, acknowledging her words yet reserving himself from showing too much kindness. They walked through the rest of the house—a large kitchen, laundry, three bedrooms, two living areas, another side veranda, and three bathrooms. The house was very spacious and carefully decorated with antique furniture leftover from the previous tenants. Lily felt like she had just walked in on someone else’s life yet was welcomed to make it her own.

  The last room they walked into was Father’s bedroom. It was a welcoming room of warm golden light that dribbled through the windows upon Lily’s entrance. A large king bed was positioned proudly in the middle, and in the corner sat a beautiful antique mirrored dressing table, made from dark timber with long thin draws underneath.

  “Papa, I think this would look better in my room,” she said as she pointed to the dressing table.

  “Yes Lily, you can have it,” he mechanically replied, running his finger over a small hole in the wall.

  “So, if we own everything, does this mean that anything I find is now mine?” she asked with gleaming eyes, thinking about what ancient treasures she could find in unusual places.

  “That’s right.” Father smiled as he nodded and left the room, letting Lily entertain her imagination on her own.

  She started by searching through the dressing room draws. There was nothing, only the smell of dusty dry wood, which reminded her of the cut down sandalwood trees at her grandparents’ farm. Disappointed, she walked along the edge of the room near the windowsill, staring at the sunlight and predicting the process of how the light is distorted when filtering through the glass.

  She envisioned the distance upon which the burning star blazed and imagined the time it took to reach her, as well as how much heat would have been lost on the journey. She followed the light to the tips of the frame, along the edge of where the glass met the floor; and that’s where she saw them. The crystals. They proudly shone along the window in between the wooden crevice, lined up perfectly in a row, as if they were bathing in the heat from the sun. She liked the look of them, so she picked them up.

  I can feel their heartbeat, she thought, as she closed her eyes and held the crystals tightly.

  And like magic, she was calm. She forgot how her crystals could talk to her soul. They had the ability to provide her with strength when she thought she had none. Lily had found crystals in her old house too; she felt as though they had somehow followed her. She would always feel magnetic energy vibrate when she was near them, but if she spent too much time thinking about it, it was too difficult for her to comprehend. So she taught herself to just accept it and continue with her day. She placed the crystals in her pocket securely. They clink together joyfully, she thought, like they have been reunited again. I wonder how long they had been apart? Did they know they were lying right next to each other?

  She continued to have a conversation with herself in her head as she explored the rest of her new home. She could time herself to run from one end of the house to the other in just under fifteen seconds. Her skirt swam with the draft and streamed behind her as she ran back and forth above the creaky floorboards. Her crystals jingled loudly in her pocket and she gleamed with excitement of how much exploring she had yet to do. She knew all too well that both the attic and under the house were the best two places to search and she imagined the next discoveries to add to her collection: a random key, a small piece of painted pottery, perhaps a few words on paper. Anything that suggested another realm of what was or what could be.

  She ran down the stairs to the bottom veranda, which stretched out to meet the garden. But something stopped her from touching the meadow, and she was drawn to the back corner of the wall. A fine square outline lay subtly amongst the wooden floor. The size of it was just big enough to fit a person through. She knew immediately it was meant for her. But, the empty space carved around the corners of the door was tiny, and she failed to squeeze her little fingers through. She would need something strong and thin to slide down and leverage it up. She gazed around the room accordingly, looking for an improvisation.

  An antique piano stood underneath the stairs, and a hard piece of metal about the size of her hand poked out abruptly from underneath. She crawled to pick out the wire and examined it carefu
lly, predicting the probability of it working. The piece of metal teethed perfectly between the wooden plank, and she jolted one end up high like a sea-saw. Careful not to wedge her fingers between the gap, she lifted the edge of the door up and removed it completely, revealing an open square of black nothingness below. She gasped with awe as she hovered above the space inside, allowing it to breathe deeply for the first time in however many years.

  The afternoon sun pierced through the square faintly. It was enough light for Lily to predict the height between the ground and where it was that she was standing. She knew she could jump down without hurting herself, but without a ladder to get back out she would be stuck. She hovered over the hole to get a closer look. A muddy patch of dirt lay directly below her, with a slimy green layer of moss. It looked home to a growing patch of flowers, although it was difficult to say if they were indeed flowers. What strange plants are able to grow with such little sunlight to feed them? she thought. But when she reexamined, she saw it was not actually a flower but tiny crystals in symmetric circles pushing out through the floor, which had created a pattern similar to a flower!

  Her body twitched with delight and an anticipation of needing to investigate further overwhelmed her senses. Holding her weight in her arms, Lily poked her head through the hole, and then slowly, she moved her neck around. Pitch-black darkness surrounded her completely. There was nothing in front, nothing behind nor to the left or to the right. But as she rolled her neck to come back upwards she saw a bright light flash twice in the distance quickly. One, two. What was that?

  Eager to jump down but scared of doing so without a ladder or torch, she walked back upstairs, commencing a search for the missing pieces to complete her mission.

  “Papa! Papa!” she shrieked, looking for her father to help.

  But she didn’t need him after all, for there in front of her lay a perfectly stable not-too- big, not-too-small, silver ladder. Perfect! she thought, quite pleased with her luck, and she picked it up. It was very heavy, and almost set her off-balance, but she had a goal in mind and it didn’t stray her from her path. She would carry that ladder somehow. Now for a torch, she thought, as she ran back upstairs. She found a candle and light in her father’s tool box in the shed, and hurried back to the floor opening, hearing the clunky clank of the crystals kiss once again in her pocket. They vibrated loudly together like a drumming heartbeat, and for a moment Lily thought perhaps they were singing in tune together in a chant-like rhythm, encouraging her to move forth. Okay, she was ready.