Lost Nowhere: A journey of self-discovery in a fantasy world

by Phoebe Garnsworthy

  “Li-ly… Li-ly…” Father interrupted her.

  She could hear his footsteps up above on the veranda.

  “What is it Papa? I’m about to jump down a manhole in the floor! Is it urgent?”

  “Yes darling, it is, I’m afraid there will be no exploring tonight, we have dinner plans with your grandparents.”

  Lily stared at the hole, and then to the ceiling to where she could hear her father standing above her on the veranda. “But Papa…” she whined, staring back at the hole.

  “I’m sorry, darling. We have to.”

  Lily dragged her feet as she walked up the stairs, leaving the door to the underground wide open for her to explore tomorrow.

  But that night when Lily tried to go to sleep, she had a burning desire to go and visit under the house. A little voice kept talking to her, saying, I wonder what's downstairs, I wonder how to get inside. She knew she had to wait until morning, but silencing the mind was such a difficult task at times, especially when she felt as though the voice was coming from her heart. Am I really meant to hide such overwhelming desires? she thought. Surely, if this voice was this strong, there must be truth to it? She tossed again, smacking the pillow to the mattress. The jump down wasn’t really that big was it? she thought as she calculated her next moves. If I don’t go down now, I won’t be able to see it until after school tomorrow, that’s another day… I can’t wait that long! She jumped out of her bed and lit a candle in her hand. She packed a little gold jar to hold an extra candle and a match, and put it inside her cream crochet bag that carried all her favorite things, she swung it over her shoulders and tip-toed downstairs to the opening of the floor.

  The jump down looked nowhere near as big as she remembered it and she threw the ladder in, measuring the distance of the fall from the time it took to land. It was only now that she realized she was barefoot, still in her long white lace nightgown she liked to wear on a hot summers night. Barefoot under the house was not a good idea—there could be broken glass, all sorts of wildlife that she could step on—but the idea of going all the way back upstairs and changing right now was not an option. I’d like to take the risk please, she thought. What’s the worst that could happen? She pierces some skin? Tears her dress? All in the game of doing something that she loved. It would be worth it a hundred times over. There was no better moment than right now to leap into the unknown and see what she could find!

  Her eyes twinkled with anticipation. She was wide awake, probably over-tired for being up at such a late hour for a young girl like her. She could hear the great grandfather clock chime up above. She counted. Twelve. Okay, I’ll be back before 5am, when Papa gets up. That gives me five hours.

  One… two… three… woooooshhhhhh! Her lace dress ballooned out as she jumped down, and she floated gracefully, swaying gently from side to side. When she landed, the candle dropped to the floor, extinguishing upon doing so and leaving her in complete darkness. The space was so black, she could not even see her hand in front of her face. Only a faded charcoal light was visible through the square door high above and it streamed down as though it were a gift from the stars and the moon. But it was not enough light to see straight ahead. Oh perhaps this was not a good idea after all. She scared herself with the unknown and blinked her eyes quickly as the fear set in. But as she blinked, a strange light became visible in the distance. She blinked again and the light flashed once more. She closed her eyes tightly. Flash! A single white light danced in front of her eyes. It hovered toward her, gaining strength and building momentum. She opened her eyes wide. Nothing. Not a thing! She closed them again and watched as the white light reappeared, this time moving vibrantly toward her.

  The light began to dance, as though it now had an audience to play out in front of. And it opened up like a flower, prancing elaborately in a continuous fractal pattern, constantly evolving, constantly moving. The longer she stared, the greater the evolution, and the strength in the detail magnified, the edges now sharpened with definition. Overwhelmed with such a tantalizing display of animation, Lily held her eyes closed tightly, allowing the colored lights to dance candidly around her. They encased her entire body and created a glowing sphere that illuminated the edges of her skin as though holding her in a protective embrace. The outline of the sphere then duplicated, and moved along the circumference of the original circle, leaving a shadowed trail behind as it did so. The two spheres did not split and instead multiplied; now opening up like a flower, as though Lily was the pollen heart center, she was framed with petals all around.

  She felt herself drawn toward one direction, and she followed the pull. With each footstep she marked a new circle, and the petals spun turbulently around the circumference once more. It was only now that she realized that each step she took, the circle followed her, and the petals around her continued. So each moment was completely new, completely different than the last.

  Confused, she spun around again, and watched as the lights twirled around with her movements as expected. She felt a strange tingling sensation from the ground beneath as her body began to feel weightless, like she was floating in water. The light supported her body and she felt herself being pushed and pulled in all directions, into an infinite measurement of length and widths. She felt herself stretch out far and wide, completely outside of her own body. She travelled high above into a place filled with endless bright lights. It was there that she was squashed into a tiny little ball. So small and minute, she rolled around, switching between different extremes of sizes, of big to small and small to big. Squashing everything and yet nothing, rolling around and around, up and down, side to side, without actually moving her arms or legs. She couldn’t feel her body anymore, she was traveling elsewhere, it was somewhere outside of herself.

  A bright light ahead travelled directly toward Lily. Or was she moving toward it? She couldn’t be sure, but she did know that both she and the light together were magnetically connected. And as it came closer, it grew bigger, and bigger. It grew so big that soon it completely covered any darkness around her, and she collided straight into it. And when she arrived, her body arrived too, and her dress, and her pouch. And the darkness had gone, and all that remained was the light shining brightly inside of herself.

  CHAPTER TWO

  JACQUES & THE LAND OF OTOR

  A thick layer of black smoke blanketed the sky, while slithers of ruby red clouds clawed their way through. The gothic backdrop created a heavy impact on Lily, as she lay on the ground staring above. She could feel the smoke-like clouds run over her skin. They crushed her lungs and forced her breathing to slow down severely. Her eyes rolled back and forth gradually, as she absorbed her new surroundings, and slowly, very slowly, she moved to her side in preparation to stand. An exploding burst of thunder engulfed her ears, yet she could not see the lightning anywhere in the dark haze. Only a red dirt path with speckles of ruby sparkles lay before her feet. And the glittering path moved in waves, lighting up directly to where Lily’s eyes wandered. She walked calmly with bare feet, feeling the sparkling dirt touch her skin, squeezing up between her toes and massaging what little space there was left between the weight of her body and the ground. There, the red dirt rested in the empty space, satisfied in giving support to Lily as she embarked on her journey.

  Lily could see a fiery sun peeking its head in the horizon. It was patiently waiting its turn to rise up and demand the sky. And despite the comfort of seeing the normality of the sun warm up the ruby sky, it was in the splinters of light that shone through the clouds that she felt someone watching down on her, looking after her. In the darkness of black smog she felt the hope to carry forward, all through something that perhaps was just her imagination, perhaps was just all in her head. But that ray of light that she could see so far away, that could not be touched, it had somehow touched through to her heart, making her feel a glimmer of hope ever so deeply, so deeply that she had no other choice but to believe that it was real.

  The thunder grew louder with e
ach step, and as the last of the smog finally cleared, Lily could see that the noise wasn’t electricity flowing down from the sky, but instead the opposite: smoke and lighting erupted like a volcano from the ground. The sparkly dots flew in a vortex, full of brightly mixed colors, each separated in their spin, almost plaited together and then unmixed and mixed again. It was as if they couldn’t make up their mind if they wanted to be one or separate. Or perhaps they liked to play with one another, seeing what color they mixed best with together. Lily walked toward the tornado of smoke as the path in front rose to greet her. As she proceeded along the path it slowly turned into a long, drawn-out hill, and before she knew it, she was standing directly at the base of a giant red pyramid.

  A glittery dust overlay the pyramid’s surface. It sparkled with quick flickering lights like a fireworks display. The smoke that rose to the sky was coming from the tip of the pyramid, and it streamed out into a long thin line of rainbow colors shooting upwards. It was a magnificent sight to witness. As Lily stared at the smoke the dots began to transform into miniature shapes; first squares then circles, triangles, and pentagons, twirling around and moving from side to side. She walked closer to the pyramid, and could see an opening, no door, just a large circular opening in the middle of the red shimmering pyramid. The same colorful smoke that was pushing out from the tip of the pyramid swirled around the circle door in a vortex. And at the bottom of her feet in giant letters were the words ‘Jacques the Healer’ stamped deeply into the ground, spelled out with thick red crystals, cemented in like a welcome mat.

  “Hello,” Lily whispered faintly through the door.

  A small hole pierced into the smoke from the power of her breath, allowing an opening to see inside. In the center of the room sat a tall skinny man. His skin was a dark caramel brown, and he was dressed in maroon loose-fitting pants with a matching short-sleeve top. He did not move, and faced the opposite wall, adjacent to where Lily was standing, which had an identical opening with a large cut-out circle.

  “Hhhheeeeeellllloooooo…” she sang through the confined space once more, this time a bit louder, and she watched as the hole widened from the force of her breath.

  She picked up a stick from the ground and used it carefully to mimic the circular motion of the hole, extending the smoke outwards, slowly around and around. Once the hole was big enough for Lily to step through, she yelled out to the man once more.

  “Hello! May I come in?” Lily asked politely in a child-like sweet singing style; a voice she had learned to be most persuasive with her father.

  The man turned his head without moving his body, not so much abnormally, but with a strict angle of flexibility. His eyes were wide open, almost scarily happy, alive, and bursting with energy. The white area around his pupil expanded heavily and he grinned with perfectly aligned teeth beaming harmoniously with his excited eyes, contrasting beautifully against the dark skin. He opened his mouth as if about to say something, but instead, used his hand to direct her forward. He pointed his finger, and pursed his lips together to shush Lily once she was inside. When Lily walked closer to the healer, he spoke in a soothing voice.

  “Welcome to my home, please make yourself comfortable. I will be present shortly.”

  His voice didn’t match the look of his face, nor the excitement in his smile. It sounded far too calm to coincide with the emotion that he was relaying through his facial expression alone. Lily took this opportunity to explore the rest of the house. There was no bed, no kitchen, nor any lounge area as such. What an odd house, she thought.

  In the center of the square-shaped room lay a square table of marble, which was the perfect height to stand at without the need for chairs, and just as well because there were none to be seen at all. In one corner stood giant shelves, full of thick, heavy books, small drawn paintings, odd-shaped bottles, crystals, and metal ornaments.

  A large cauldron sat over an open fire on the left and a giant map-like painting hung on the far right. The fireplace had a mimic of the same pyramid structure over it, directing the smoke to follow through a pipeline. But the smoke from the fire did not exit out the center of the topmost point of the pyramid; instead it traveled through several glass tubes that were directed into separated small holes along the wall. This reminded Lily of a piece of artwork as opposed to a chimney. After observing her surroundings, she looked back to the healer to try and figure out exactly what it was that he was doing. Jacques stood in a hunched over position with hands on both knees as he stared at his navel, breathing deeply and quickly. He was moving his stomach in waving ripples as he inhaled and exhaled noisily. Lily looked away uncomfortably. But as she looked to the right, he appeared again, in the same manner, waving ripples through his stomach. She looked to the left, he reappeared, but this time he stopped and smiled.

  “Follow my actions; it will breathe life into your lungs.” He wavered his hand, encouraging Lily to oblige, but she looked down to the floor awkwardly, straining to understand his sharp English accent.

  The man did not seem to be offended and he continued to talk. “I like to do this every morning when I wake up. It moves my breath around my body, giving me energy and keeping my mind active.” His voice hushed. She peeked up to look at him. He continued to breathe deeply while he rotated his stomach from top to bottom in a fluid motion, repeatedly, making a loud sound from his nose and his mouth.

  She shook her head quickly and avoided his eyes, looking around the room once more, wondering whether she should leave. But something was keeping her there and she peeked back to spy on the man in his natural habitat.

  Jacques pretended to ignore her response, knowing she was watching. He held up his hand with a thin, crooked finger pointing above as if to attract her attention. He then dove his finger up and over to point at his stomach, and he lifted his cotton cloth shirt up to reveal his boney frame. He hunched over again aggressively, twisting his head toward his belly as far as it would go, breathing all the air out and then moving the skin over his stomach in and out quickly.

  Lily had never seen anything like it before and continued to stare in an awkward silence. She wanted to look away, but knew that the strange man could feel her eyes upon him, and she was nervous he would have ordered her to look back. He continued to breathe in deeply, once again, Woooooooooosh came a loud noise from his mouth as he pushed all of the air from out of his stomach.

  After several breaths he stood upright and walked toward Lily. He looked different than before, as though something had overtaken his body. His eyes became both whiter and brighter, and he smiled calmly with his perfectly straight white teeth.

  “This breathing technique I was willing to share with you. Why did you say no? You have never tried it before have you?”

  Lily shrugged her shoulders and looked away, doubtful on how to reply. She pointed her toe into the dusty floor, circling it around to distract her mind.

  “So, how would you know what kind of affect it would have unless you tried? You should try different things,” he poked at her again. “Nothing will change if you don’t change.”

  “But I don’t want anything to change,” Lily replied with a small outburst as she thought about her whole life consisting of one big change after the other, all happening without her control.

  She had felt it impossible to welcome such notions when they always seemed to follow with such heartache.

  “That’s a very sad outlook on life little girl.”

  Lily looked away again shyly, feeling tears well in her eyes from having been confronted with honesty by a complete stranger. And the idea of being alone in another world where she felt like she didn’t belong leaked into her thoughts. But Jacques wasn’t letting her sulk, and he leapt into the air, twirling around as he continued to preach his advice at the lost young girl.

  “Those who welcome change are the happiest! Those who relish in the glory of the constantly evolving life lessons are the wisest and live the longest! Those who…”

  Lily shook her h
ead and walked away, back toward the door. She wasn’t sure how to handle the situation anymore and had concluded it was best if she just escaped.

  “Not listening to me is the highest form of disrespect young girl,” Jacques called out after her, the words hovering in the air like a speech bubble, blocking her exit.

  She turned back to face Jacques as though a teacher at school were scolding her and nodded hurriedly. Then she walked back toward the door, holding the tears inside with strength.

  “Where are you going?” Jacques questioned, stomping after the girl.

  “I think I want to go home,” she replied timidly, stopping in her footsteps, and turning back around, clearly unsure of her decision.

  “You think?” Jacques smirked as he questioned, tipping his face down but his eyebrows up. “You don’t know?”

  “I don’t know,” Lily agreed.

  “If you are unsure of the decision then it is not the right time to make it,” Jacques stated proudly as he clicked his fingers with emphasis. “Why force yourself to choose? Learn to be patient and allow the moment to present itself to you.” He placed his hands on his hips, and wiggled from side to side.

  “I feel like I just insulted you,” Lily replied nervously, “Wouldn’t you prefer it if I left?” she asked as she looked down to her crochet bag, fiddling with the straps over her arm.