Lost Nowhere: A journey of self-discovery in a fantasy world

by Phoebe Garnsworthy

  “You didn’t insult me at all. You actually only hurt yourself,” Jacques replied soothingly as he tiptoed closer to Lily. “And I will love you anyway. For I know you didn’t know any better at the time.”

  Lily looked to Jacques, puzzled, as she wiped small droplets of sweat off her brow and she pushed her curls back behind her ear. The sun was now burning brightly through the circled doorways, and attached to the light was a calming warm breeze. It had made the space inside of the pyramid intensely humid.

  “You love me?” she rebutted, confused, lifting her shoulders up slightly. “You don’t even know me.”

  She raised her eyebrows in disbelief of Jacques’ words, remembering back to her days at the schoolyard where no one would even be spending this much time talking to her.

  “Do I need to know you to love you?” he asked, his teeth still shining from the beaming smile painted across his face.

  Lily looked more confused than she was when she had seen him breathing hunched over like a madman. A part of her wanted to stay and find out more, as she was oddly attracted to the demeanor of the old man. He was rightfully kind, orderly, and vastly strange. She didn’t want to leave him.

  “What’s your name?” he asked.

  “Lily,” she replied shyly, looking down to the ground once more.

  “Oh Lily, wow. That is such a beautiful name!” Jacques replied with lively enthusiasm, as though he had never heard it before.

  “Really? I think it’s kind of boring,” she shrugged her shoulders, “like me I guess.”

  “Lily, why put yourself down like that? You know that’s not true at all. Your name is so elegant and smooth-sounding. It’s perfectly even, four letters. Lil-leee, Lil-leee. Two, two, the same!” Jacques said as he picked up a long, wooden stick from the floor and drew her name in pink letters in the air. He underlined the two syllables of her name, spelling it out again and again. His repetitive behavior reminded her of herself, and she smiled with gratitude, utterly appreciative to have met such a creature.

  “I have never thought about my name like that before,” she admitted, wondering how she could have overlooked something as obvious of her own self when she loved to find similarities in everything around her.

  “Well you should! There is a great deal to learn about a name.” Jacques nodded in approval, writing his own name in red letters just below Lily’s.

  “And so are you Jacques the healer, as it says out front?”

  He smiled with a cheesy grin, his thick lips pushed up to cushion his cheeks and he squinted his eyes, wriggling his body in a dance again. “Yes, yes that’s right! My name is Jacques. I live here in Otor, and I am the greatest healer in all of the land.”

  He twirled again, levitating high into the air and gliding back down to the ground in slow motion. Lily smiled with anticipation, waiting for him to lead the conversation, but he didn’t and they just stared at each other in silence. Lily looked away nervously.

  “Are you quite shy?” Jacques asked intrigued, taking one step closer. “Are you a bit of an introvert?”

  “What’s an introvert?” Lily replied, as she moved one step back, slightly guarded.

  “It’s someone who keeps more to themselves as opposed to interacting with their outside world. It’s okay, you don’t need to pretend with me. I like introverts. Some people never shut up. Talk, talk, talk, all the time. Thinking that their voices show their intelligence, but it just shows their stupidity!”

  Lily giggled as she thought of her grade ten teacher who talked so much that Lily often dozed off, thinking she was the dullest person she had ever met. Finally, she met someone who was agreeing with her thoughts!

  “I… I guess I don’t really know how to talk to grown-ups,” Lily replied as she diverted her eyes to the side. “Or anyone really,” she mumbled underneath her breath.

  Lily looked back down to the ground, wishing that Jacques wouldn’t focus his attention on her anymore. But still, a small part of her was interested in hearing what he had to say. There was something special about Jacques and she felt safe with him.

  “I don’t believe that for a moment,” Jacques intervened as he crouched down to the ground, attempting to make eye contact with the timid girl. “Perhaps you need to believe in yourself more.”

  “But you’re so much older than me? As if I am going to say anything that could be of interest to you?”

  “Why present yourself in that way to me Lily? You have just as much right to voice your thoughts as I do,” he corrected her. “We are always learning, both you and me. No matter what age.”

  Lily listened carefully to Jacques explain. It was as though she was being told a secret that only adults knew, and she smiled at being allowed such a privilege.

  “I would like to voice my opinions more, really I do. I just… I don’t know why I think I can’t.”

  Jacques waved his hand encouraging Lily to move closer.

  “Do you know what the secret is?” he whispered. “Knowing how incredibly wonderful it is to be unique! It makes you irreplaceable, didn’t you know?” Jacques winked with one eyebrow raised as he continued louder. “Sometimes it’s better to be an introvert anyway. Silence lets you observe not only your surroundings, but yourself too. Oh if only all of Sa Neo would be silent, perhaps we would live like the most powerful empress, Violetta in the land Neveah where all is telepathic and no words are uttered!”

  “Sa Neo? Violetta? Neveah? I would love to go to such a place,” Lily replied with excitement as she thought about all the marvelous places she had yet to discover.

  “And so it shall be!” Jacques smirked as he lifted some of the sparkly red dirt from the ground and cast it up above their heads. It flew directly up to the center point of the pyramid and drifted down slowly like a glittery rainfall.

  “How so?” she asked.

  He held his hand out and Lily watched as the sparkly dust fell perfectly into his palm, as though it were being magnetically pulled.

  “Whatever you think, you shall receive,” Jacques said as he blew slowly on the glittery sandcastle piled in his hand. The dust swooshed upwards in a giant wave, forming a fiery red dragon. Each point on the dragon’s back held a large ruby crystal, and it took a deep breath, blowing thin sparkles of dust from its mouth. The dust then swirled around its body until it completely disappeared.

  “So, I can think of anything at all and it will happen?” Lily’s eyes opened wider than they ever had before. She almost felt like they were popping out of her head, they had dramatized so much. But when she caught a glimpse of herself in the reflection of Jacques’ eyes, he didn’t seem to be fazed at all.

  “To an extent,” he replied.

  “And what extent is that?”

  “To the extent of that which you believe… but if you are here you already must be believing somehow, or how would you manifest for such a place to exist?”

  Lily combed her fingers through her hair as she stood confused and she dismissed his comment swiftly.

  “But I didn’t Jacques. I followed the light and here I am.”

  “Hmm… I see. So, you don’t understand inside or outside of yourself yet do you? Is that why you have come to me?” Jacques asked rhetorically, as he tapped on his cheek, pondering how to educate the child on such matters.

  “But I didn’t come to you, I just walked up the path and here you were.” Lily pointed to the circle door that she had first walked through in an attempt to show Jacques the road that she had followed. But the smoke-filled dust that whirled around the sphere clouded her vision and the path was nowhere to be seen.

  “My dear, there are never any accidents; you had planned to come here all along!”

  “Planned to come here all along?” Lily repeated with a puzzled pout, remembering that she had only by chance decided to explore under the house that afternoon. How was it possible that she had thought of exploring the house when she didn’t even know that they were moving up until a few months ago.

 
; “Yes, you decided this before you were born,” Jacques replied with a matter-of-fact attitude. “You have come to me for a reason, there is something that I am meant to be giving you,” he said as he crossed over to the wall where the shelves were filled with metal ornaments and crystal bottles. “Hmm… What is it though?” he muttered to himself as he picked each one up individually and weighed them carefully with closed eyes. “For only you can heal yourself, I can merely guide you on your way.”

  “But how could I have always known I was coming here when we only just moved into the new house?” Lily asked as she followed the tall lanky man to the corner of the pyramid. He ignored her question and proceeded to pick up random objects, holding them for several seconds before dismissing them.

  “A copper horse? No. A silver spoon? No. A golden bridge? No.” He muttered to himself as he continued, oblivious to Lily’s confusion.

  “Ahuh!” he said, picking up two small ruby bottles and handing them to Lily.

  “Smell them and tell me which one you like,” he said, raising his hand to hurry her along.

  “I don’t really understand,” she protested, although she lifted up each one to inhale the scent thoroughly as requested. She closed her eyes as she smelled the long thin neck of the first bottle. It smelled like a great barrel of spicy cinnamon, and with her eyes closed she could feel herself transported to a marketplace. Many tradesmen were yelling at her to buy the spices, and she looked down, feeling the powdery substance between her fingers.

  She shook her head quickly and opened her eyes to see lanky Jacques standing with an open mouth, eagerly awaiting her response. But before she could talk, he replaced the cinnamon smell with a short fat bottle, and pushed it up under her nose. Again she closed her eyes as she inhaled, this time a warming sensation overtook her body, and it reminded her of eucalyptus leaves and frangipani flowers. When she closed her eyes she was running through an open field of tall grass, the warm sunshine on her hair. She didn't want to leave, but Jacques tapped her on the shoulder to come back. She sighed with a pleasing moan as the fragrance delighted her senses.

  “Oh, of course you picked rosemary. You had dreamt about it before. Silly me.” He took back the long thin-necked bottle and placed it on the shelf, and he pointed to her bag, encouraging her to put the fat bottle with rosemary oil inside. “You need help with your memory right?”

  Lily looked to Jacques uneasily. “How do you know I’ve dreamt about rosemary before?” Lily asked worryingly, remembering the dream she had not too long ago where she laid in a field of rosemary, smelling the scents of pine and lemon. “I think I want to go back to where I came from,” she concluded, accepting the gift of bottled essence and placing it in her bag.

  “You think you want to?” Jacques stopped his calculations and pointed to his head. “You thought? Or you think?” He pointed with his other hand and rewound an imaginary wheel, as though he had moved back their time to when Lily had first wanted to leave. She was now standing back at the door, having just insulted the fellow. Well she thought she had insulted him. Lily stood alarmed that she had just teleported to another location within the pyramid and she closed her eyes, trying to make sense of the situation.

  “Oh, well now you really have no idea what you’re doing, do you?” Jacques smirked as he yelled from across the room. “You cannot go back just now anyway. You are a gift to this world. You are meant to be here. Welcome to Sa Neo!” Jacques exclaimed as he pointed to the map on the wall and opened his arms wide as if representing the land. His eyes squinted to a half moon while he grinned, lifting his thick pink lips to push up and touch his nose. Lily felt the kindness in his heart shine straight through his eyes and magnetically connecting to hers, she was unable to look away. He hopped on both feet jumping back and forth in excitement while dancing with both hands.

  Lily walked over to the giant map on the wall. The seas were painted on a wax-like paper, and above it, hovered the seven lands in mid-air. She stared at the outlines carefully, there were faint little paths carved into the mountains, and various houses with names and signs etched in between the trees.

  “Can I draw a copy of it?” she asked politely, “to help me find my way around here?”

  “But that’s my map! That’s my way around here,” he replied as he wiped the pathways clean on the lands like a duster on a blackboard. “Go and make your own mark.”

  Jacques wasn’t being mean, but Lily felt a bit insecure.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, reading Lily’s withdrawal.

  “You could have said it nicer to me,” she replied quietly, more so as a reaction of being embarrassed.

  “Not really. It’s just the way you interpreted it Lily. If anything, I am h-e-l-p-ing you.” Jacques sounded the word out slowly, wanting it to sink into her mind deeply.

  “Helping me? Helping me how?” she questioned, wanting to believe Jacques, but she still felt quite conflicted as her mind was telling her otherwise.

  “I am helping you by encouraging you to follow your own path and not mine. As well as giving you a little lesson on interpreting words.” He chuckled to himself and circled his finger as he tapped Lily playfully on the nose. His likable behavior made it impossible to be angry with him, and she smiled reassuringly.

  “Okay, shall we look at the planetary alignments from when you arrived?” Jacques asked as he sharpened the burnt amber stick and drew on the dirt floor of his home. He started to draw triangles, hexagons, and squares. It evolved more and more and more. He drew a long timeline map from one side of the room to the other. Back and forth he went, drawing long figurines that connected in one long line.

  “This is all fascinating Jacques, but what does it mean?” Lily asked, having waited quite awhile and excited for some answers.

  “Nothing, I just felt like drawing.” Jacques opened his mouth to let out a loud roar of laughter, and he bent the stick over his knee, breaking it in two pieces in one quick motion.

  “So, what I am to do here? I do not know my purpose?”

  “Your purpose is to be exactly who you are. Why must you define it anymore than that? Why can’t you just beeee?”

  Lily stared at Jacques, allowing the weight of his words to crush down on her fears. She never thought about the idea of ‘just being’ before. She always thought she needed to do something or go somewhere. He was right, why did she have to have a purpose, why couldn't she just enjoy the journey?

  “Okay. So… what now?”

  “Perhaps show me your hands? I will let them tell me.”

  Jacques opened Lily’s palms and stared carefully. He held his finger up and signaled for her to wait as he went and got a microscope that was resting on the shelf in the far right of the pyramid.

  “Ahuh… ahuh… hmm… interesting… Yes… okay… sure… alright… Good… very good!” Jacques muttered to himself as he held a piece of crystal over Lily’s hand and stared diligently.

  “So what did you see?” she asked impatiently, looking to her own hands carefully as well.

  “Right now, your head line overtakes your heart. It’s not good.”

  Jacques drew a red line over Lily’s hand to outline what he could see. The ripples of the line bled outwards, growing in thickness and in size.

  “But you said very good?” She looked up puzzled, although when she looked back to her hand, the painted line had disappeared.

  “I meant very good to myself, giving myself a compliment for reading, you know.”

  Lily shook her head and pulled on the lace edge of her dress, a defense mechanism she seemed to resort to often when she didn’t know how to handle the conversation. But instead of Jacques talking, he was quiet, and the stillness between the two became increasingly loud. She was forced to talk.

  “I don’t understand why you would compliment yourself?” she asked nervously.

  “You never give yourself a compliment?” Jacques opened his eyes wide with disbelief. “Why?”

  “Isn’t giving myself a c
ompliment vain?”

  “Vain? Vain?” Jacques shook his head quickly and pointed back up above to the ceiling. “No my dear, vain is when you see beauty in only yourself and nothing else. But, if you can see beauty in yourself and realize that the outside surrounding you is a reflection of your own thoughts, then everything around you will always be beautiful. Then you can compliment yourself for seeing the greater good in everything around you.” He nodded to himself, pleased with his response and shook his head as he muttered the words vain again. “Goodness, no wonder your head controls your heart.”

  My head controls my heart? Lily repeated as she thought about herself separately inside of her body. “Isn’t my heart just a function to keep the blood moving, and my head, isn’t that where my brain thinks? If my brain isn’t thinking, then who is telling me what to do?”

  “Sweet Lily, oh you darling Lily. You are not your thoughts.” Jacques pointed to Lily as an additional version of herself extracted as a shadow and stepped forward. “Your head and your heart are two different things. Your heart will always rule, but sometimes the noise in your head can be distracting.”

  A glowing red love heart protruded from her shadow, and it beat vibrantly, loudly, and lovingly. The whole room filled with a warm light, and Lily felt completely immersed in warm water, as though she had dived into a salty sun-kissed rock pool. But as she closed her eyes to enjoy the untouchable feeling, an antenna-like radio reception buzzed through, it overkilled the warmth and drowned the therapeutic heartbeat.

  “So how do I fix it?” she yelled as she covered her ears, trying to ignore the noise, which was saturating the peace.

  The shadow disappeared and the noise immediately stopped.

  “Start by listening to yourself. You should spend some time alone everyday to clear your mind and just focus on loving yourself.”

  Jacques edged closer as he spoke clearly, ensuring that each word he uttered was being listened to intently.

  “Shouldn’t I learn to love other people before I love myself? I have a hard time making friends,” Lily admitted, looking down to the ground and digging another little hole into the red dirt with her bare toes. She sighed as she continued, “well, I don't have any friends, actually.”