Lost Nowhere: A journey of self-discovery in a fantasy world

by Phoebe Garnsworthy

  Nevertheless, she wandered to the ocean, and looked to her surroundings for inspiration once more. But she couldn’t see anything to help. How disappointing! She thought to her science class at school, all the different experiments they would do with water. Oh, if only she had paid more attention! Lily wandered over to the large slab cliffs of green tourmaline crystal. She sat on the edge of the stone, tempted to call out to Crysanthe for help. But alas, she wanted to solve this problem on her own. She had gone this far to hide the identity of the mermaids and the only word of warning that she received on this land was to keep the secret sacred. Do not tell anyone! Jacques had said. She looked out to the ocean, sitting on the edge, wondering how long she had been gone and how glorious it was to feel as though time did not exist. In her moment-to-moment that she encountered, she could spend as long as she liked just breathing that happiness in. The sun was starting to set and she knew she was meant to be back before nightfall. Still, she had three more items to find, but her mind was boggled for the answers and she started to tell herself that maybe the initiation wasn’t right for her.

  I’ll simply say, Jade—I was unable to complete the task due to… but she couldn’t think of a reason that was good enough. Lily wanted to participate so badly, she realized that was it. She wanted to do it. And she stood up, ready to march back out to the wilderness, but her hand slipped down on the rock, forcing her to lose her balance. She slid all the way down to her elbows. Upon standing she looked to her arm and noticed the tiny dust particle residue that came with it. She poked out her tongue and licked her hand. Salt. And it came flashing back to her, in snippets of a memory, her science class with Mr. Johns, where salt water evaporated over heat, and what was left? Salt! Could this symbolize water? Yes!

  Air—feather; nature—flower; water–salt; fire…

  Fire sounds so hard… how can I find something for fire other than fire itself? Perhaps burnt ashes? So predictable again!

  Lily opened her pouch to place the folded leaf of sea salt away and as she did so, the crystals all glistened under the sun, she felt like perhaps they knew they were near the ocean. She proceeded to wash them carefully. The black crystals shone unusually bright this day. Was it because they were the newest of her collection? Or did they have something more to say? She thought back to what Karisma had said. The obsidian crystal forms when molten lava touches water. The rock would represent fire! Perfect! Now, the last one—transformation.

  The ouroboros necklace flashed into Lily’s mind; how it symbolized eternity to the mermaids. In order for one to be eternal, one must embrace change, and accept all types of transformation, she thought. And she began to play with her thoughts yet again. She imagined all the other witches gasp as she handed over the symbol to Jade, and she even saw Queen Jade herself bow down to her, telling everyone how Lily was clearly the most powerful girl in all the land. She would then be given a crown, and the castle, and have everything that she ever wanted.

  This little dream of hers felt so real, Lily couldn’t help but even imagine words and conversations and feelings that could have taken place. But alas, she knew it was just a daydream, and that even if it could be possible, she would have to reveal the truth about the mermaids, and potentially cause danger to her one true friend. And she foretold in her mind that to hurt her friend would bitter any sweetness of success. But her voice in her head started to talk louder, and it convinced her that she could show them the necklace, telling them it was from her home. If they were to take a vote, she quickly calculated due to the number of people she had seen in the garden that it would be in her favor, but then again, what if they were too scared to go against Queen Jade? No, that would be unethical of the town folk, she rationalized to herself. And she turned around to walk back to the castle, satisfied with her choice of showing the ouroboros for transformation.

  As she walked, the idea continued to battle back and forth in her head. And she questioned whether she was doing it for the right reasons… to succeed at the initiation task, or to try and outsmart Jade? She looked back inside her crochet pouch. Sandalwood oil, a little key, the small envelope that said ‘I love you’, the snakeskin… wait the snakeskin! The snakeskin sheds its skin as it outgrows it, transforming into a new snake… beautiful! She had done it! She had done it!

  Air—feather; nature—flower; water—salt; fire—obsidian crystal; transformation— snake skin.

  Lily skipped back to the castle, eager to arrive before the sun had set. A pointy-eared pixie was already standing at the door, waiting for Lily’s return and she politely instructed her to have a bath in preparation. Lily followed the pixie to a large tiled bathroom, with a great big circular bathtub. The water was warm, and bubbled over in soft purrs. It was covered with pink rose petals and sweet-smelling rose oil. The pixie left Lily to relax on her own, and Lily soaked her limbs in the bathtub lavishly. When her feet had wrinkled up with extra skin, she climbed out of the steaming tub and dressed herself in a dark green robe that was hanging ready for her to wear. She stood in front of the gold-framed mirror, admiring herself in the cloak. But she could not recognize herself. No longer was she a young girl with plaited hair and shy eyes, she now felt herself looking like an adult, with wild loose hair, and confidence in her stare. She combed her hair thoroughly, embracing each stroke. She plaited two pieces of hair around the crown of her head, and weaved through it tiny pink flowers that were resting on the basin. Her face was soft but she felt wiser, more comfortable in her skin. She had managed to complete the task at hand and felt stronger for doing so. One last look at herself in the mirror, and she told herself, be brave.

  Jade was already standing with four other girls when Lily arrived. They all wore identical dark green robes, and held no expression on their faces. The eldest of them carried a large wand that smelled of white sage and had been ignited for several minutes prior to Lily’s arrival. She stood at the front of the pack, and twirled the flame up high, allowing the smoke to dance in circles and cleanse the air. Two other girls stood on either side of Lily, and the third was behind, holding a giant rose quartz crystal sphere.

  “How did you get on today? Were you successful?” Jade asked in a conniving manner. Her eyes narrowed down along the point of her nose once again with an intimidating stare. Lily could tell what Jade was doing, and she knew she needed to pretend that she was underneath the powerful figure. It reminded her of the quarrels she used to have with her teachers, always struggling to give them authority, knowing that sometimes they weren’t necessarily wiser than herself. But her father’s words would always repeat in her ear to overcome the situation with kindness.

  “In all honesty, Your Highness, I struggled from the very beginning,” Lily spoke humbly. “I chose a flower to represent nature but I could not cut it down from the tree, the roots were too strong. So I picked up a peony from the ground. Unfortunately, it has been walked over a few times, I think.”

  “So all you needed was a flower, like these on your head?” Jade raised her eyebrows looking unimpressed and smirked with another girl while pointing out Lily’s stupidity. Lily touched the flowers in her hair. Soft petals suckled against her fingertips and the plaited vines wrapped through her hair strongly. She looked down to the floor embarrassed.

  “And all the remaining symbols, were you able to find them?”

  “Yes, Your Majesty.” Lily curtseyed in response, nodding proudly, not daring to speak of her findings again until asked.

  Queen Jade looked to her peers and raised her eyebrows, tightening her lips together as though she were displeased.

  “One more rule, I forgot to tell you. You cannot use something that came from an animal. We always get some stupid girl wanting to give a caterpillar cocoon for the animal transformation. Ugh, pathetic!”

  Nothing from another animal? That eliminated two of the five symbols—transformation and air! How unfair! She wants me to fail!

  “That’s quite an important rule you should have told me Jade,” Lily replie
d with a bit of poise. She was fuming inside, panicking that she would fail. But just knowing that Jade would have favored the defeat, gave Lily ammunition to carry forward.

  “Surely this small rule would be no match for a smart young girl like yourself sweet daaarling Lily?”

  Jade spoke in such a patronizing way that Lily couldn’t help but feel hatred. Her body temperature rose as all the blood rushed up to the crown of her head. She thought of her father’s advice; take a deep breath. She had two choices and she prayed for the courage to make the right one. I can do this.

  “Okay Lily, we need to start, please show me air.”

  Lily stared Jade in the eyes, still angry, still hurt. It was hard for Lily to concentrate on anything else. But she vowed not to give up, and she opened her purse to see if there was anything that she could give instead. Lying on top of the pouch was the glass bottle that held the rosemary oil from Jacques. The scent traced through the air, unforeseen, could this pass? It was worth a try. And she handed over the bottle of oil in exchange for air.

  “Thank you Lily, I accept this. And what do you have for water?” Jade replied with no emotion, as she ticked the list off mechanically.

  Lily didn’t have a moment to feel relieved and she handed over a folded leaf that held the salt flake residue from the beach.

  “It is the salt from the water on the crystal rocks by the ocean,” Lily explained as Jade slowly opened up the leaf and picked up tiny specs of salt dust between her fingers.

  “Of course I know what salt is Lily,” Jade replied disgruntled flicking the salt between her fingers. “Anyway, I accept. Fire?”

  Lily pulled out the obsidian crystal. The particular crystal that she chose was especially magical; it looked like a wave caught in a crystal formation. Jade took the rock and handed it to the lady on her right.

  “Interesting choice Lily, I don’t think anyone has provided this before. Visiting Karisma has been quite beneficial to you, obviously. And, nature?”

  Lily handed Jade the peony flower in her bag. The petals around the center pushed out with grace, standing strong.

  “Thank you,” Jade said as she handed nature to the girl to the left. “Lastly, what do you have for transformation?”

  Lily’s heart beat fast. She reached inside her pouch, feeling for something to be able to use. The idea of showing her ouroboros for transformation clicked through her mind. But no, she couldn’t show the secret of the mermaids, especially to Jade. Not only that, but Jade would force her to give it up completely. She was close to surrendering and looked down shamed, ready to give in and accept defeat.

  “Well, young Lily?”

  “I… I…” Lily fumbled in her bag once more. But, she could not find anything. And she knelt to the ground in preparation to be disqualified. But there, right in front of Lily’s knees, a small seed on the ground called out to her. It was colored a pale pink with speckled green and no bigger than the size of her fingernail. She handed it to Jade.

  “This seed creates the fruit of life, and is therefore transformation. For one cannot live without the ability to change,” Lily stated as she handed the seed over, unsure as to where the words had actually come from.

  Jade appeared taken back for a moment, and she surprisingly appraised Lily where credit was due.

  “I am impressed Lily. You have supplied strong symbols for our initiation.”

  Perhaps she is not as horrid as expected, Lily thought.

  “Thank you,” Lily replied kindly, curtsying to show her respect.

  In Jade’s hands she held a thick wooden shaft wand. The bottom of the stick was a blistering black red coal. It looked frail and as though it should break off, but there was something deeper beyond what the eye could see. With the burnt rubble end, she drew a circle around where Lily stood. The charcoal pieces scratched off while doing so, embedding the ground with not only a grove into the dirt but a layer of black dots. The dots hovered just above the ground, swirling as though encasing Lily from moving.

  “We must keep our secret places sacred and therefore you must be blindfolded. Do you trust that I will cause you no harm?”

  Lily looked to Jade. A blaze of red streaks had flooded the whites of her eyes, pushing the green pupils to dart toward Lily’s like spears. But she did not feel anger or hatred from the queen. There was something higher, Jade was possessed by something blind to the naked eye. And a fuzzy white light surrounded the edge of Jade’s hands. There was goodness in her still, Lily thought.

  “I give my eyes to you,” Lily muttered as she closed her eyes and nodded her head down, succumbing to her knees before the queen.

  With her arms by her side, Lily felt someone from behind wrap a soft silk scarf around her eyes securely. It smelled like eucalyptus, and she immediately felt relaxed.

  “Please stand Lily and allow the elders to walk you to our place of meeting.”

  A small warm hand held Lily’s right, and she felt a cool wrinkly hand hold onto her left. The three walked forward without being pulled; it reminded her of the dance of Neo, drifting side to side, just allowing the tide to flow. And although she could not see, she could feel the girls around her continuing to guide her along the path. She listened to the sound of their feet shuffling along the ground, pitter-pattering lightly, and her mind played out to guess the exact distance of where everyone was standing.

  Jade would be in front, and someone on both sides, and perhaps one person behind. The fleet would be in a diamond shape layout, directed by the head of an arrow. With Jade charging ahead, step by step, across the crystal dirt land of Tehar. Together they marched, up what began as a slight increase that quickly turned into a steep hill, and they shuffled their feet along the glittery road. The night sky felt farther away than usual, as though the trees were hovered in closely, covering their heads. They towered together as they walked along a narrow pathway, and then, they stopped. They had arrived.

  “Locem wo te Initiation,” Jade said as the edge of the cloth peeled back from Lily’s eyes and she stared with awe at the magical landscape.

  Gigantic slabs of colored crystals decorated the ground and they erupted with lightening inside, sparking energy from the core of the planet as though wanting to break free from the mold. Lily could feel the explosion through her feet and into her body, causing the vibration to resonate loudly through every ounce of her being. The powerful motion both excited and scared Lily at once and she felt an overwhelming feeling of lightness overtaking her mind. It prompted her to feel truly magical in her own essence, realizing that for her to be able to feel this emotion so deeply was truly beautiful in itself.

  The ceremonial space towered on the edge of a high mountain cliff, the highest Lily had ever seen. It stretched high above a river of water that smashed rapidly against the reef below. And a rainfall fell on either side of the sacred space, trickling down slowly and calmly, a contrasting noise to the fierce roar beneath their feet. A full moon shone directly above, and watched down on the girls, with the two additional moons on either side, supporting each other, all three spaced out in harmony. In the center of the sacred ground was a circle of burning coal, and on top lay a large crystal slab of clear quartz. The quartz was sliced in such a way that it pointed in an even cross, directing the fire toward north, south, east and west.

  “Unclothe her!” Jade ordered, as two girls either side of Lily began to unbutton her robe.

  No one had ever seen her naked before, not since she was a baby. The pressure of initiation felt too much to bear, and she felt nervous, very nervous. For a split moment, Lily thought about escaping, forgetting everything and everyone around her and giving up. She imagined herself diving off the platform, into the sharp currents below. Here she imagined that she would call on the mermaids and live forever in peace. But fear set in, and she wondered if her body would shatter on the reef, cut up like glass before she even reached the water to where the mermaids lived, and perhaps no one would ever know that she had lived at all. Was that a r
isk worth taking? She thought… she would be abandoning her life and not trusting it. It would mean she did not love herself. And it was the first time that she truly understood Karisma and Jacques’ words of self-love. To allow her life to evolve the way it was meant to. And with a deep exhalation, she surrendered, and allowed the girls to undress her completely. Her innocent body, pure in the moonlight, the most open she had ever been.

  The ouroboros! Lily could hear Jacques whisper in her ear, keep the existence of the mermaids secret. She shivered, terrified that she had accidentally revealed her necklace to them. But no one stirred. No one even looked at her neck. To the others, it did not exist for they had never seen it before.

  “Lie down on the crystal bed, Lily,” Jade commanded, as the sound of drums began to beat loudly. Lily mechanically crawled onto the platform and lay down as requested.

  Boom cha ba ba, boom cha ba ba, boom cha ba ba, boom.

  Silence.

  The sounds of drumming engulfed Lily’s ears. The crystal platform was cool to touch, yet the warmth grew quickly beneath the weight of her skin. The flames from the fire licked the edge of the crystal platform upon which Lily laid. She could feel the heat rise savagely around her body, shooting electricity from the core of the earth. It reminded her of the volcano. She imagined the eruption of molten lava ooze through the crust of the earth and spill onto the ground around her. The sheer imagery she created in her mind forced her heart to beat faster. And the feeling of anticipation mixed with excitement and terror overrode her senses. She didn't know what she was feeling. All her emotions seemed to roll into one conjoined vibration.

  Boom cha ba ba, boom cha ba ba, boom cha ba ba, boom.

  Silence.

  The girls spun around where Lily lay, and in rhythmic chants, their bodies moved. Their shadows molded into another form, in clusters of floating clouds and speckles of stardust, or perhaps they had become the shadows of their former selves as they rose above their bodies. Mirroring the girls above flew a circle of birds, flying around in a clockwise position. Encircling the ceremony below, protecting Lily, or perhaps they were others who had transformed, watching the ceremony, eager to see what mystery would outplay.