Lost Nowhere: A journey of self-discovery in a fantasy world

by Phoebe Garnsworthy

“Wowwww!” Crysanthe dove from the rock into the ocean and twirled through the air, jumping up and down out of the water with excitement like a dolphin. Her tail gleamed with rainbow scales under the beaming moonlight and she hovered back up to meet Lily.

  “This is amazing Lily! I can’t wait to tell Zavier that I was right to pursue my desire to understand your world better.”

  “I’m glad you did too.”

  The girls smiled with mutual understanding, and they said goodbye, knowing that it would not be long before they would see each other again. Lily crept back along the forest path, past the giant crystal ball fountain and along the castle corridor back into her room.

  She managed to sleep perhaps one hour, and awoke to the dead quiet silence that pierced through Jade’s home. The walls of her bedroom were large and quite empty, and strange paintings that didn’t really make sense were scattered at random heights. Lily couldn’t figure out if the people in the images were trying to scare her, or perhaps they just hated their life. Why choose to show images of people in sorrow? Does Jade show her power through fear? Lily thought.

  The bed sheets were fresh-smelling, but the sense of home like Karisma’s touch was not to be found. The room felt as though it had been cleaned and the sheets changed every day. Lily could almost feel the sweat of the lady who was forced to clean over and over again when there wasn’t anything dirty. The room was being cleaned just because Jade could tell someone to do it so. So then isn’t she giving someone a job? But jobs don’t exist in this land, so no, not really. Let the person who cleans, clean for the love of cleaning.

  Lily had a conversation in her head again. Staying with Jade certainly puzzled her. She liked the aspect of space and had the availability of anything she wanted at her fingertips, but it was at the cost of feeling uncomfortable. The room was so perfectly clean and stark that Lily was nervous to disrupt the white walls. She laid in bed some while longer until the sun peeked its head through the window. Lily had given in to the fact that she could not sleep anymore and so she opened the door from her room to a small pixie girl who was standing outside, ready to take her to the bathroom. And although the spa bath that she had was made of soothing pink rose petals and refreshing eucalyptus oil, she was being watched at all times. She was told it was for the purpose of helping to make her life ‘at ease’ but it didn’t make her feel very relaxed at all, and she wished to just be alone.

  Her outfit for the day was chosen for her by Jade, and was quite similar to the style of dress that Lily had seen Jade wear the day before. The idea of elderly ladies doing nothing else but make the hand stitched lace didn’t make her feel any better, and she wondered what working conditions the ladies were making them in and she hoped they were being looked after properly.

  The pixie motioned for Lily to follow her into the back garden where Jade was standing near a giant table of food, with a crowd of little pixie girls all around. Jade casually fluttered her eyelashes toward Lily’s direction as she entered the room; but she didn’t ask her how she was or how she had slept, and instead began the conversation by boasting about herself.

  “Basically, I have all the delicacies from all the lands around the world,” Jade said as she twirled around and showcased the table, picking up the treats. “We have olives eyes, a true little gem of a tart they are. Pink marshmallow froth, (the most divine tea in the entire world). People travel far and wide to get their petite little claws on such a tea my girl! Consider yourself lucky that you are even able to sip on such a stew!” Jade said as she threw the stew toward Lily to take. It tipped over the edge of a teacup and burnt her hands slightly. “And just look at these snowflakes! Have you seen anything more beautiful? Queen Violetta gave them to me. It’s rumored they are off a duck’s back.” She held up a jar in the sunlight that was full of the most intricately cut-out flakes that Lily had ever seen. “She’s the most powerful empress in all the universe you know. She gave me these snowflakes! They are off a duck’s back. I mean can you believe it? She. Gave. Me. THE. S-N-O-W-F-L-A-K-E-S off a duck’s back? I know! IIIIIII KNOW!”

  Jade squeezed Lily’s hand with excited delight and held up ever so proudly the small square glass jar full of milky white snowflakes, each unique with perfect design of an eight-pointed star, with a faint rainbow color flashing in all directions.

  “Now try them all, eat as much as you like, they are my gift to you! Just do me a favor, don’t tell the others. I pretend I don’t play favorites, oh but child I do, I do!”

  Queen Jade scrunched up the side of her face and squinted with one eye to Lily. Her face was so ghastly and terribly unattractive that Lily could only imagine that she was attempting to wink at her. Lily smiled with no teeth, forcing her cheekbones to protrude loudly, and her eyes opened wide, to attempt an equal level excitement and not to offend the queen.

  “Now girl, which do you want to try first?”

  Overwhelmed with curiosity, Lily stared at the giant table full of treats. The wooden table was carved around a tree in the center, and each branch balanced a square crystal plate full of individual goodies. A different pixie-like fairy with pointy ears and long silky gold hair stood at the side of the table. She had a timid-looking face, a bit scared of what was going to happen. But she was harmless, and Lily wanted her to know that she was safe.

  “Hello, what is your name?” Lily asked politely to the well-dressed pixie maid.

  “Silvia,” she replied nervously.

  The fairy pixie wore an apron with a matching hat and balanced a thin rectangle silver plate in her arm, awaiting Lily’s instructions on how to fill it up. Each of the delicacies had a hand written note saying ‘made with love’ and the name of the dish. Lily stared with excitement at all the elaborately designed sweets in front of her, and she picked the pieces out carefully.

  “Can I please try the ‘vanilla chia seed pudding’, and perhaps the ‘strawberry lime coconut cream parfait’?”

  The little pixie nodded in approval and handed Lily the miniature treats off the trays. The coconut cream parfait spiraled into a pointed cup that twirled around like a cloud inside, decorated with diced strawberries and a light green swirl. The vanilla pudding had wobbly eyes pointing in all directions from the bursting chia seeds.

  “Miss Lily, can I suggest the mango moose tart too? Or perhaps the watermelon soup?” Silvia said as she pointed to an orange gooey-centered crusty tart and miniature watermelons stacked up like a pyramid.

  “Yes, I would love to, thank you so much.”

  “You’re very welcome, Your Highness,” Silvia replied as she added the treats to the tray and bowed down in gratitude.

  “But I’m not…”

  “Oh girl yes you are,” Jade interfered as she overheard their conversation. “You have been initiated to be one of us, which means that you are superior to these pixies.”

  Lily looked at the pixie’s face at having been told that they were not equal. She felt pain. Like someone had pushed her down and she was unable to get back up. And in that moment, she saw a flash timeline of the pixie’s life. The hardship Silvia had endured throughout her life of never being good enough, of never belonging anywhere. She was an orphan pixie with no mother or father, nor any friends. Lily could see Silvia go home, day after day and walk into her treehouse with no one around her but an empty room. The pixie would fold her apron and hat perfectly on the chair before she sat down to eat with barely any food on the table. Lily looked to Jade and back to the pixie. Jade was already walking to the table expecting Lily to join her. Lily wanted to talk to Silvia and tell her that she didn’t think she was any different than her. But she could see Jade staring at Lily out of the corner of her eye and she felt she couldn’t. Instead, she asked the pixie what her favorite treats were and decided that she would give them to her later.

  Lily sat down with Jade at the largest table in the garden, and three pixies (including Silvia), stood next to Jade, in case something was needed.

  “So, tell me. How is Karisma
? What was the food like at her tree?” Jade asked shrewdly while she picked a cherry off from the top of a pink sprinkled cupcake.

  “Karisma is so lovely, I am so grateful to have met her. And the food was delicious! We got up early and picked fresh berries from her backyard for our breakfast,” Lily gushed, thinking about the berries squishing between her toes on the ground. She looked back to Jade, who was staring at Lily with her mouth slightly open, and a furrowed brow.

  “You picked your own fruit and vegetables at Karisma’s? Made your own breakfast? Sounds horrific!”

  Jade scrunched her face up as she shoved a caramel nut into her mouth. She scrunched her lips around as she overloaded on the nuts, crunching down hard.

  “I enjoyed it actually,” Lily replied, feeling more confident with her new status.

  Jade shook her head ferociously as little crackles of nuts spat out across the table. They bounced up and down along the table and landed on Lily’s plate.

  “Did you just talk back to me?”

  Lily was horrified.

  “No, Your Majesty. It was very boring, I said. You were right.” She lied.

  It was one of the very few times in her life that Lily had ever lied, and she felt terribly guilty. But something made her do it. This time it wasn’t just to see what would happen, this time she felt her instinct tell her to, the way an animal can feel on the back of their skin that a larger animal is watching them and they need to be on guard. She automatically needed to protect herself for some reason, and even though she didn’t know why, she didn’t question it. I am beginning to know myself, she thought.

  “Queen Jade, I am sorry to disturb you,” squeaked a quiet voice from behind where Lily was sitting.

  It was one of the guard gnomes having come at a perfect time to break the awkward silence. He was standing tall and proud, only just reaching the height of the table.

  “You are always disturbing me, but it’s fine.” Jade said as she slapped her hand on the table. “What do you want?”

  Lily looked to the gnome at being spoken down to aggressively. She wanted to say something but had no confidence to do so, and instead just watched the scene play out, cringing in her seat quietly. He seemed to ignore the outburst from Jade and continued with his mission.

  “Three things, Your Majesty.”

  “Good, you are learning. Let’s just have two today. Quickly.” She clicked her fingers, demanding he speak on her command.

  “Very well,” the gnome replied as he threaded his gloved fingers in between one another and cleared his throat. “The Toto Farmers in town have asked for your help. Their daughter has gone missing and it is not normal for her to leave and not return.”

  “Oh people go missing all the time, she will turn up.” Jade scooped up some coconut marshmallow with a spoon and shoved it into her mouth as she replied. “Next!”

  Neither the gnome nor the pixies blinked an eye as Jade rudely dismissed the request, but Lily felt ashamed for having chosen to sit at the same table as someone who would treat another person in that manner.

  “The people of Tehar have asked for your participation in the community ritual to show leadership to the children,” the gnome continued.

  “Oh, I’m far too busy to participate in community activities. I think that is all for today, please be on your way.”

  Jade shooed the gnome away. The disappointment on his face was evident, and Lily could see the affect that Jade’s reluctancy to help had on the village people. She could imagine his grave face of having to tell them their queen was unable to attend. How could someone abuse their power like that? she thought.

  “Tell me more about our little hippie girl, Karisma. Are the trees and plants controlling her still? I tell you.” She stuck her fork into a sticky covered raspberry and continued. “Letting nature run wild and free like that, it can’t be good. I mean, look at how beautiful all this land is.” She pointed with a straight palm and fingers toward the garden. “I have trimmed the hedges and flowers, making the design just exquisite, don’t you think?” Jade continued to talk to Lily as though nothing had happened, and claimed to have pruned the garden herself!

  Lily nodded in response, too scared of fake words escaping her mouth in case her stomach turned again from being false like before. She wanted to talk back and say, You idiot! All of the plants are synchronic, if you cared to look, instead of looking in the mirror! If each petal on every flower was sliced in half she would see equal sides of the veins blooming through, waiting to be recognized. But Lily had quickly realized that no matter how hard you try to show someone the truth, they would be blind until they chose to see. Perhaps Jade liked to be in her own little world, and in which case, Lily could be in her own little world too. She decided that she was fed up with this proper way of life, and longed to go back to Crysanthe, to swim under Neosa as a mermaid once more.

  “So today Lily, I am going to travel to see Violetta. You can’t come with me yet; I will ask her if you can come next time. But feel free to roam around and do whatever you please! Make yourself at home. SILVIA!”

  Jade clicked her fingers and pointed to the air, not looking around. She stared at her food and shoved the treats into her mouth again, very unladylike. The golden-haired pixie girl ran quickly to meet Jade, and stood next to the table, bowing her head to show her respect.

  “Ah Silvia, there you are. So, I am going to spend the day in Neveah with Violetta and while I am gone, I want you to make sure that anything Lily wants, Lily gets. Do you think you can do that for me?” she asked in a patronizing way, and Lily once again cringed at such a manner.

  “Yes, Your Highness, I would be delighted to,” Silvia said as she bowed down in agreement.

  “Lily, you ask for anything you want okay? It’s not everyday that we are lucky enough to have everything that we want, and you know what, you can and you do! Just don’t ask Silvia many questions. She’s quite stupid.”

  Lily looked to Silvia at being shunned once more and all the feelings of sadness were transparent in the pixie’s eyes. Lily felt like she understood the pixie completely, almost better than she understood herself. She felt like there was a part of her inside of Silvia who just wanted to be loved. And although Jade appeared to have everything she wanted, she was missing key ingredients in her personality, including kindness and compassion. And some things she said or did, just didn’t feel right to Lily. She couldn’t figure it out exactly, for everything seemed to have an excuse. But if she were to take note, this would go down as a warning sign of something being not quite right.

  “So, tell me Lily. What would you like to do today?” Jade asked. But she wasn’t even looking at Lily, and Lily didn’t feel like she actually cared about the answer, rather she was asking just to make sure she could approve it.

  “I’d like to go explore the land? See the animals that you have, the trees, the flowers?” Lily thought quickly. She actually wanted to see what the people were like on the land, if they too were being mistreated, and whether she could help them. But she was too scared to admit the truth.

  “Oh please darling, you’ve seen one animal, you’ve seen them all!” Jade shooed the idea away with her long claw fingernails in the same manner she shooed away the gnome.

  “Um, okay. Well I would love to learn how to play a musical instrument from the band that you have playing here?” Lily asked, as she thought of strumming beautiful notes from a guitar.

  “Oh come here now, you don’t want to associate with the help! Let the professionals play the music.”

  How will I ever better my playing if I do not practice? she wanted to ask Jade, but again she held her tongue. She felt like she was expected to know all the answers to everything and if she didn’t know it now, she wouldn’t know it later. She missed patient Karisma, who not only explained things clearly, but encouraged her to ask questions.

  “Are you hungry? How about I get the chef to make you something really special?” Jade offered, raising her arm, ready to yel
l at another staff member.

  “I’m quite full considering that we just ate, although I would love to learn how to actually cook the food we are eating?” Lily asked excitedly, thinking about how she could make the delicious treats for her father back home.

  “The chefs are too busy to teach you anything Lily,” Jade replied without looking again. How could they be too busy to teach me yet have time to make food had I been hungry? Lily thought. She was beginning to feel like anything she asked was not allowed unless it was Jade’s idea or under her supervision. She had an idea.

  “Queen Jade, perhaps you could come up with a suggestion that would be suitable, for you see, I would very much like to see this land that you rule, to understand the hardship of responsibility you tolerate daily. How do you think the best way to do it would be?”

  To this Jade smiled at Lily proudly; finally they were speaking the same language!

  “Yes my land is definitely the most beautiful of all the lands here on Sa Neo. Maybe Silvia here can get you an elephant to ride upon and you two can go explore? I would take you myself, but I am just too busy and the townfolk will want to talk to me, and ask advice. It just becomes quite draining.” Jade rolled her eyes with boredom as she knocked her plate away, having signaled she had finished her meal.

  “I understand your predicament, Your Majesty; it sounds like you are right, and that just Silvia and myself is the ideal solution.”

  Lily grinned to Silvia to show her secret excitement, but Silvia looked straight ahead, as though she were too scared to indulge in her own thoughts of what it would be like to have an enjoyable day together.

  “Silvia, go get an elephant for Lily here,” Jade said and snapped her fingers haughtily. “And you two, you must be back before supper. It is crucial that we spend every meal together, do you understand?”

  Lily nodded in response and looked to Silvia who was already running away to get the elephant. Meanwhile, Lily could hardly contain her excitement. She was thrilled to not only explore the lands, but to ride a real elephant! She had never done so before. And she was also looking forward to some alone time with Silvia, so she could give her the treats she had been saving for her. Silvia arrived with the elephant that was painted white and had great beautiful patterns painted all over its body. Lily patted the trunk, feeling the squishy layer of scaly skin, and she felt the lively nature of another creature, just as alive and radiant as she was. The girls climbed onto its back where a wooden chair sat, decorated with colorful silk shawls. And they immediately waltzed off deep into the jungle on the land of Tehar.