Lost Nowhere: A journey of self-discovery in a fantasy world

by Phoebe Garnsworthy

  Silvia looked around scared as though Queen Jade had eyes watching over them. And she hurried back to where they originally sat.

  “Okay Silvia, if you would like.”

  “But Miss Lily…” she asked, taking another yellow crystal from the beach and placing it in her pocket.

  “Yes, Silvia?”

  “I am so grateful you took the time to show me this is possible.”

  “Anything is possible Silvia,” Lily said and smiled, taking Silvia’s hand to sit on the pebble beach in preparation to tedimeta once more. “I want you to teach this gift to the others,” she continued, as she pulled out the green crystal rock and sandwiched it in between the girl’s hands. “Now, clear your mind, and focus on the gentle movement of your breath.”

  The girls arrived back in the land of Tehar with the sun still blaring high in the sky, and they sat on the swaying elephant once more, as though nothing had happened.

  “How did it know to take us back here to this elephant?”

  “I’m guessing because we believed we would. Once the thought is in place, it is created around you.”

  Lily listened to herself and heard the words of Jacques speak through again. She didn’t really know where the voice had come from, but she spoke her truth just the same.

  “Shall we go to Mia? You have such magical energy around you, Miss Lily. I want you to help her the way you have just helped me.”

  “Okay Silvia, okay,” Lily replied, patting the pixie’s legs and nodding.

  She was growing quite fond of Silvia. Lily was grateful that Jade was too busy to have spent the day with her, for it gave her a chance to get to know the pixie better. They stopped in the back of the garden, where the giant hollow tree grew. The butterfly fluttered intensely, her wings a silvery white with black shaded dots, and large orange streaks. The edges of her wings had little lines in a spaced-out pattern, alternating between thick and thin.

  “Mia, we are here to help you,” Lily whispered, careful that no one could overhear her voice.

  The butterfly fairy fluttered her wings quickly and crouched her tiny feet on the branch of the tree trunk. Her face was so sweet, with a pointy little nose and dainty little lips. She smiled. No words.

  Lily whispered to the wooden box, asking for the guidance of the spell at hand.

  She pulled out the paper—

  She is not trapped. The fear is in her mind.

  Lily looked to Silvia confused, and then looked back to the butterfly fairy as she recited the words.

  “You need to believe in yourself. You are your own prisoner.”

  But the butterfly fairy stared blankly and Lily wondered if her words were clear enough. She thought about the message, and relayed it to Silvia, explaining that perhaps this outlook on their life was similar to Jade’s reign, and that it was through fear alone that she held her power.

  Lily spoke the words again to Mia, hoping that her savior would come through for the whole land of Tehar.

  “It is not real. You are not trapped here. You are doing this to yourself. It is up to you to fly away.”

  Lily wanted to reach in and pull the butterfly out. But she stopped herself.

  “Why is it that you can’t help her?” Silvia asked puzzled, poking her small head in closer to the tree to have a better look.

  “Because it is her choice and her choice alone.”

  She whispered once more to the butterfly fairy before walking away. Perhaps there could be something special about repeating the words she thought.

  “I am walking away now, but please. Listen to me. You are not trapped. You can fly. Fly out of here and fly to Otor, find Karisma—she will help you!”

  Lily knew there was nothing more she could do. But in the hopes of inspiring the little butterfly fairy, she pulled out the feather that was inside her purse and placed it on the branch of the tree. And she pretended.

  “With this feather, I set you free.”

  Lily turned around with Silvia to head back to the castle. She said goodbye to Mia, wishing her well but Lily did not look behind again.

  When Lily and Silvia got back to the castle, they found Jade being pampered by six uniformed pixies all around her. She lay on a giant pillow under a large weeping willow tree to the side of the garden. One pixie was fanning Jade with a huge leaf. Another was standing, holding a tray full of cold colored juices, and a fruit platter. Another was icing a grainy clay facemask on Jade, covering her eyelids with sliced cucumbers. She had one doing her nails, one massaging her arm, and two at her feet. The day’s errands are particularly exhausting! Lily thought sarcastically. And the feeling of not wanting to be a part of Jade’s life was becoming increasingly evident from Lily’s daily encounters. Jade’s purpose in life seemed to be purely selfish. She used her power to belittle those around her, to make herself appear better than she was, and to gain knowledge and wealth of possessions to satisfy her own greed. Nothing was ever enough. Lily felt quite ready to go home; she was unsure of the choice but knew that she wasn’t very happy living with Jade. She didn’t feel she was able to enjoy her time to explore and do as she wished.

  “I think I’m ready to go home, Queen Jade.” Lily spoke quietly, careful not to disturb the beauty regime.

  Jade sat up abruptly, and threw the cucumbers to the ground, upon which a pixie scurried quickly to pick them up. “But I was going to take you to see Violetta tomorrow, how about that?” Jade piped up. “We must be invited first you see and she does not know who you are.”

  Lily had heard so much about Violetta, and the idea of visiting her had grown in her mind to be something of an aspiration. But she reasoned with herself that her purpose in Sa Neo was to be initiated and she was. She was able to see the way of life in the royal affairs and it did not attract her in any which way.

  “Thank you so much for the offer but I feel that it is time to go home, back to my father. I am so grateful…”

  “Nonsense, you are not going anywhere,” Jade interrupted, lying back down and continuing to be massaged, although her eyes still darted through the thick facemask. “This is where you belong; you have been initiated to be one of us. I have given you the finest food, the most luxurious bed, servants, the kingdom at your disposal, to do what you like. Now I’m going to take you to visit the other lands, you should be thanking me, not leaving now.”

  The idea of exploring the other lands was definitely tempting to Lily. But at what expense? To be a puppet for Jade’s entertainment? Lily didn’t really enjoy the conversation with Jade. She felt her to be quite dull, a little boring. There is only so much conversation about one person that she could take, especially when the dialogue was not balanced equally. Lily was never allowed to dine with anyone other than Jade, aside from the pixies who were made to stand by and watch uncomfortably in case anything was needed.

  “I really think it is about time I get back to my father. Please know that I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity. I really hope you can understand.” Lily started to take a few steps toward the door.

  “Oh nonsense, nonsense, nonsense! You are coming with me you silly girl, you must, you must, you must. I will not take no for an answer.”

  Like a leech, she peeled herself up from the chair and slimed her way closer to Lily, her face now stiffening from the clay, allowing little room for facial movement. The sight of the queen was changing into such a creature that it frightened Lily, and she started to feel herself breathe quickly, as though a fit was about to come on. She slowed her heartbeat down, controlling her mind and she told herself to take some deep breaths.

  “I… I… I don’t want to. I need to leave, Your Majesty,” she replied, calming herself completely.

  “Where are you going to go? You don’t know where you even came from?”

  Jade snorted, unable to open her mouth from the dried clay mask on her face. And she turned her head to see what kind of reaction she got from those standing by listening. But the pixies looked away and smiled dumbly,
not wanting to disrespect the queen but also held preference for Lily’s happiness instead.

  Lily felt squashed from being forced into a life that she did not want to live in. Having servants wasn’t very fun when she couldn’t do anything herself. The juice tastes sweeter when you squeeze it yourself, she thought. And within herself she felt strength brewing to overtake Queen Jade, and she heard the confidence from her inner voice telling her to leave. But at the same time, it told her to stay calm and that now was not the right time. She felt extremely conflicted.

  “Look at me child. Remember who brought you here.” Jade snidely slithered her words out, pointing to a crown that now appeared on her head, reminding Lily of her status and yet threatening Lily’s security.

  Lily nodded her head, terrified of being turned into the butterfly like Mia. And she curled her fingernails into the fabric of her skirt, reminding herself to take slow, deep breaths. Inhale, exhale.

  “Here child, come and lie down next to me and let the dwarfs give you a massage.”

  Jade pointed to an empty space on her right and a massage table appeared before their eyes. A dark green toweling robe was folded neatly with a large flower on top. And two servant maids stood on either side, waiting for Lily.

  “Your Majesty, I am quite exhausted, do you mind if I go for a swim and have a rest?”

  Lily asked, not wanting to insult the queen, but she also didn’t want to spend any more time with her.

  “If you’re exhausted Lily, a massage is the perfect remedy you silly girl.”

  Lily didn’t like being called silly, especially in front of a crowd of peers, but to avoid further conflict, she did as she was told and changed into the toweling robe and laid on the table.

  Crushed gardenia oil was smothered on her skin like butter, and the little pixies went to work, massaging her body in long soft strokes. It certainly was a treat, Lily thought. Perhaps Jade did know best after all.

  After the massage Jade instructed Lily to take a bath and meet her in the dining hall for supper.

  During Lily’s bath, which overflowed with rose petals, she finally had a moment where she could be alone. Completely alone, with no other interruptions, no one waiting on her (that she could see), and no Jade. She pondered her situation. Was she really trapped to live in this kingdom forever? Did she have the power to leave of her own accord? Surely she could. She thought about Mia Veol, was it a coincidence that such events played out that day? That she told the butterfly the same story that she should be telling herself right now—you are not trapped; it is all in your head.

  Lily dressed herself in a dark green gown, hand-picked by Jade, and walked to the dining hall to meet her for supper. The queen was already sitting down to a decadently set table, and was holding up a silver mirror, combing her thin pointy eyebrows down with her claw-like finger. Lily’s arrival did not startle her, and she continued to look at herself, ignoring the arrival of her dinner companion.

  Jade had a line of servants standing to her right, perched on guard, with their backs tall and hands behind, waiting to be spoken to. The room was full of people, but still, Lily could see past it. They did not want to be there. They were forced to be there. And for that reason, Lily could see Jade standing by herself, completely alone. There was a dark sadness present inside of her, which was invisible to the naked eye.

  “Ah, there you are! Welcome,” Jade announced as Lily sat down.

  The movement in the room had disturbed Jade finally.

  “What do you think of my new hairstyle? The fairies by the lake gave me golden dust from their wings to give it a bit of za-za-zoom! Looks marvelous am I right?” Jade proudly displayed her new hairstyle, which to Lily looked exactly the same—a tight French knot bun, but dusted with gold specks. Lily could feel the displeasure from the fairies at being forced to give the dust from their wings; but Lily decided she needed to change her attitude, and instead of being agitated, she decided to project love.

  “Yes it looks lovely,” she said. Something still tugged her inside to oppose, but she pushed back the voice.

  “I told them we both want it done for tomorrow when I introduce you to Violetta. If we do this she will know you are royalty.”

  I’m not royalty. I’m just a normal girl, Lily thought and had to bite her tongue. She didn’t care for the riches; surely Violetta would see past the fake exterior too. How was it that Jade became queen? Lily thought.

  “How do you want your hair done?” Jade asked Lily, pushing for another compliment.

  Lily knew she wanted her to say, like yours. Saying that small lie would make a huge difference, and mean something to her, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She wanted to rebel against the expected.

  “I don’t really mind,” Lily replied carelessly. “What’s for dinner?” she asked as she sat down, changing the subject and reorganizing the layout of her plate and cutlery with perfect symmetry.

  She could feel her words mimicking those of a spoiled child again, and her obsessive control for organization was seeping out in boredom. She knew she had been given everything, except the one thing that she truly needed, to be listened to. And Lily felt herself not wanting to be around Jade or even herself. The purpose of her life felt empty. There was nowhere to go and nothing to do.

  “The chef made an enchanted garden for you, look. You have baby trees and sugar snap peas in sesame oil. Eat up.”

  The plate was arranged like a piece of artwork. The baby broccolini trees stood up straight in a hill of sweet potato mash, and the edges of the leaves were dusted with honey-kissed sesame seeds. The sugar snap peas were open pods, and the small peas nuzzled together soundly asleep. Lily picked at her food and played with it as though she were a toddler. Everything felt irritating to her now that her freedom had been restricted. And although she wanted to leave and felt like she could, there was still something that held her back. What was it? The idea of meeting Violetta, perhaps? Was it really true?

  “What’s wrong with you child? You’re not eating?” Jade said as she stuffed a fluffy piece of bread in her mouth that was covered in colored sprinkles.

  “Why is your meal not the same as mine?” Lily asked, just now realizing the difference.

  “I can eat whatever I want, and I want this. You’re too young, when you’re older you can do as I do,” she replied snidely, chewing the speckled bread with her mouth open. Lily watched with disgust as the sprinkles dusted all over the queen’s cheeks. Lily didn’t even care. She preferred the greens, and all the food she had been eating. It was a different kind of clarity in her mind that she had never felt before from eating such a clean diet. And she voiced her request once more.

  “Queen Jade, I apologize. I just really miss my father.”

  “I know you do, Lily. But, I also know that you want to meet Violetta. Am I right or am I wrong?” She raised her thin eyebrows as she asked the question, knowing perfectly well what the answer would be.

  “Yes that is true,” Lily replied, popping a piece of baby broccolini into her mouth.

  “And I am going to give you the opportunity to meet her tomorrow. Now, do you want to meet her or don’t you?” Jade smiled and continued with a patronizing voice while fluttering her long eyelashes.

  “I do, it’s just that…”

  “It’s just WHAT?” Jade raised her voice aggressively as she stood up and threw her cutlery on the ground. “Oh I am sick and tired of your spoiled nature.” She threw her glass of juice against the wall. “My staff have worked extra hard to create dinner for YOU!” She screamed as she pushed the plate of food under Lily’s nose. “And I am taking YOU to see the most powerful empress in all of Sa Neo, yet it is now evident that you do not deserve such a privilege. I don’t know why I even bother. Now leave the table at once!”

  The queen pointed to the door as her eyes snapped with a flaming red fire and a smoky haze of grey smoke circled around her head. The anger in her voice sent chills down Lily’s back, and the hairs on her skin all
pricked up at once. She could see the other staff jolt upright as well, and looked to Lily, terrified that she had awoken a beast who had been brewing inside quietly. Lily stood up immediately, holding her self-respect high and walked to the door.

  “And just where do you think you are going?” Jade yelled across the twelve-seat table as Lily turned the handle of the door.

  “I am leaving like you asked me to,” she replied, opening the door wide.

  “What are you talking about you strange girl? Come and sit down and finish your dinner,” Jade demanded, sitting down herself and snapping her fingers, to which the table set itself back up, and both their plates were now full of food once more.

  “But… you said…”

  “I said nothing of the sort.” Jade’s eyes glistened with a vacant glare, and she picked up the rainbow freckled bread again and took a big bite. “Come here and eat your dinner like a good little girl. It’s very rude to leave someone when they are eating. Didn’t your mother teach you any manners?”

  Jade laughed like a cackling fire. She had never asked Lily about her mother, so it was not her fault for not knowing, but still she hurt Lily just the same. And instead of explaining what had happened to her mother shortly after she was born, she instead understood the lesson her father was trying to teach her with the gardener. She would never discriminate that which she did not understand again. A part of her wanted so badly to tell Jade to teach her a lesson, but she could hear Karisma in her ear telling her that you can’t change someone unless they are willing to change. And Jade was far too set in her ways to learn something new. So Lily turned around and walked back to the table as though nothing had happened. She picked up a pea on her fork and put it into her mouth.

  “See that wasn’t so hard was it? Now, after supper go straight to bed and we will leave early in the morning.”

  Lily shuffled the food down quickly, wanting to spend as little time as possible with the queen. When her plate was clean, she claimed she was exhausted and very excited for Violetta in the morning, and she asked to kindly be dismissed for bedtime. Jade agreed, and Lily went on her way.