Lost Nowhere: A journey of self-discovery in a fantasy world

by Phoebe Garnsworthy

  “Thank you, but you know what I would love?” his yellow eyes winked mischievously as he placed his hands together in a prayer. “A story!”

  Lily wasn’t sure what to tell the handsome young man. She didn’t think she knew anything worth sharing.

  “What kind of story?” Lily asked nervously. She wasn't good at public speaking, although telling it to a stranger didn’t feel too scary.

  “Any kind! Something that excites you or maybe it puzzles you?” He edged a bit closer, nodding with encouragement. “It can be anything at all. A poem, a joke?”

  Think of a story… think of a story… But Lily couldn’t think! She opened her mouth hoping for something relevant to come out.

  “Here, smell some of my spices and see what story stirs up inside you,” the kind-eyed man suggested, pointing to all the dusty sacks full of colored grains.

  Lily was drawn to a yellow colored spice that reminded her of the merchant’s eyes. She took a deep inhale of the mustard smell; it tickled her nose with slightly floral and musky accents. It took her back to an Indian restaurant she had eaten at the night before she moved into her new house with her father. And following her meal that night when she went to sleep, she had the most peculiar dream.

  “What does it remind you of Miss Lily?” Silvia asked, standing next to the merchant and staring eagerly.

  “It reminds me of my home, and the night before I arrived in Sa Neo, I had a very strange dream.” Lily spoke her words carefully, unsure of the reaction that such a story would attract.

  “Ah a dream! I am fascinated with dreams. It is the outside world speaking to us. Except that the outside world is our inner world and the voice is you repeating back into yourself.”

  Silvia looked at Lily, puzzled. And although Lily was just as confused with the words from the merchant, she pretended to understand just the same. The notion of herself interacting within herself reminded her of the ouroboros around her neck, but she wasn’t sure why.

  “Exactly! So, before I tell you, I will let you know, it was the night before we moved into our new house and I was worried that it was not the right choice. Father and I had quarreled in-depth and I was traumatized over the idea of not only moving to a new home but also going to a new school and meeting new people. I felt like my dream spoke to me about it.”

  The merchant and Silvia eagerly awaited the delivery of Lily’s every word. It appeared she had chosen a good story, even though she, herself, did not realize it at the time.

  “What happened next Miss Lily?” Silvia urged impatiently, tugging on the base of Lily’s skirt.

  “I had a vision of my life, but not of events or people, it was more of a feeling, and it came to me in the dream.”

  “Ahhh…” The old man sighed as he squinted his eyes in acknowledgement, almost grinning as though he too had shared the same vision.

  “I was running home from school. But the road kept changing, and the streets grew fierce. Darkness overlapped my lane, and my vision was blurred, yet still I kept running,” Lily began as she relived the dream vividly, remembering her longing to get home but unable to with so many obstacles falling in her way. “And although the path was not familiar, and I was utterly overwhelmed with such turmoil; still, I kept running. On and on I continued. Through roads that were flooded with rivers, and along laneways torn apart by rocks. I jumped and I flew and I… just… kept moving.”

  Lily drifted off into her dream once more. The running and searching to find her way home overtook her mind, and she wondered if it was a sign. Was she being warned about Sa Neo?

  “Weren’t you scared Miss Lily?” Silvia’s timid voice brought her back to the moment, and she realized that she had left her audience half-fulfilled.

  “Oddly, there was no fear inside of me, Silvia. I knew that I ought to be scared. I ought to have been worried that I would not make it home, but I was strangely calm.”

  “Why Miss Lily? What was it?” Silvia tugged the skirt again to gain her attention, for now a small crowd had gathered near to listen to Lily’s story.

  “I felt the presence of something higher above watching over me,” Lily announced, gauging the reaction of the people as to whether she should divulge more. The crowd continued to look in awe, and so she continued. “Despite my lack of sight, and the road having been terribly impossible to walk, I still held faith that I would make it; knowing that no matter what troubled my way, that I would get to where I needed to go. And when I arrived to the rightful place, the troubled path before seemed just a distant memory, a necessity to have endured. And as I awoke, words filled my mind and they were laughing, saying, ‘you know I am always looking after you’.”

  The spectators at the marketplace clapped their hands loudly, and the yellow-eyed man chuckled, throwing Silvia up high into the air as he laughed.

  “Oh my, that was a fine story. I sincerely thank you.”

  “I, thank you,” Lily replied, as she curtseyed, feeling her nerves kick in, ready to leave all the attention. “Now if you please excuse me, I think it is best we are on our way.”

  “You think or you know?” The merchant asked, raising his bushy eyebrows.

  His playful manner reminded her of Jacques.

  “I know,” she replied, winking back at the jolly spice man.

  The whole trip back Lily could not stop thinking about the trapped butterfly, and how it was only by chance that she was lucky enough to have not been caught as well. Her mind was swallowed with the desire of wanting to save her.

  “Silvia, will you take me to the caged butterfly?”

  “Yes, right away Miss Lily.”

  The girls got back on the giant elephant and swayed side to side up over the hill and back through the rainforest. As Lily reminisced on the day’s events, she stared lovingly at the white flower painting on the elephant’s trunk. Silvia noticed Lily’s focus and informed her that the painting was a symbol to show that the elephant was sacred, to be used as a means of transportation across the lands, as opposed to roaming the fields. They were well looked after, with an abundance of food, and they could play with the other animals etc., but Lily could feel the pain of the elephant not having its own freedom and it made her sad. She knew Karisma would never have let that happen, and that it wasn’t the pixie’s fault, for she did not know any better. Lily felt slightly guilty that she was encouraging such behavior, and wanted to get off, and walk alongside it instead. But the fear of the forest bothered her, and she sat silently, battling the voices in her head.

  “Silvia, do you think this animal is living a peaceful life in harmony?” Lily questioned the pixie girl, who looked back to her uncomfortably, and fixed up her already bloused sleeves to avoid the question.

  “Silvia? Do you think he is at peace with his daily life?” She pestered again, twitching her head.

  “I’m sorry, Miss Lily. But I do not know what you mean by the word peace?”

  Lily tried to control her shock, realizing the impact of such a reaction would have on the pixie girl. She looked to the forest for strength and explained that she was figuring out the best way to describe the word.

  “Peace means without conflict, without violence, confusion, hatred, or sadness. I guess the word is best described by what it is without.”

  Silvia looked curiously to Lily at the foreign concept.

  “I did not know such an idea existed, that life without sadness was possible,” Silvia admitted, half smiling, nervous that if she showed too much eagerness to experience such a life that it would result in her not receiving it.

  “Anything can be possible Silvia. But maybe, because we describe what peace is by what it is not, perhaps for us to also know what happiness is, we need to know what it is not. And that is why it is necessary for us to endure such sadness.”

  Silvia looked straight ahead in the direction of the elephant, as she comprehended the depth of Lily’s words. And even though Lily was providing the advice for her new friend, in that moment she felt a new a
ppreciation of the hardship and depression that she had been suffering. There was a buzzing desire inside of Lily that wanted to help Silvia see the same change of heart.

  “Silvia, tell me about your family. Where are they?”

  Silvia shifted uneasily with the question, and she stroked the crackly skin of the elephant, pretending as though it needed her attention. Lily realized she needed to open up a bit first, in order to get Silvia’s confidence.

  “Silvia, I never knew my mother.” It was the first time Lily could say the words without sadness in her heart. Slowly the idea had become just a fact of her life.

  “You didn’t?”

  Lily shook her head.

  “I didn’t. I grew up feeling like no one would ever understand me, and it always pressured me to wonder, whether she would have.”

  Lily thought back to herself as a young child, wondering that question over and over again in the play yard of the school, after having been rejected by all of her peers.

  “And now?”

  “Now, I realize that as long as I understand me, that’s all that really matters.”

  She answered with more confidence than she had ever had when speaking about herself. She realized in that moment it was she who defined her power to others, not the other way around. And as long as she could hold her head up high from her choices and decisions, that’s all that really mattered.

  The girls looked into the forest together in silence as the elephant continued to sway from side to side. They allowed the influences from their conversation to saturate their thoughts into utter stillness. After several more minutes of waltzing through the forest on the elephants back, Silvia began to hum softly once more.

  “Silvia, where are you from? Were you born in Tehar?” Lily asked, hoping that the pixie’s trust in her had now been established.

  “I believe I was born in Salor. Do you know it? It has a yellow citrine pebbled beach.”

  “You don’t know for certain?”

  “No, Miss Lily. I just have always had this citrine crystal since I can remember. And this is only found on the beach of Salor.” Silvia held out her hand with an open palm and proudly displayed a yellow crystal upon which the sunlight glistened through. “I have a memory of flying to Tehar upon a dragonfly’s back when I was very little, but I don’t know if it was just a dream.”

  Lily looked into her crochet pouch and pulled out a similar yellow crystal, one that she had found in the house back home. The crystals were identical and must have had the same origin.

  “Silvia, do you think about going home?”

  “Every day,” Silvia replied, as she halted the elephant near a pond, and jumped down, directing its trunk to reach the water.

  “Why don’t you?” Lily asked puzzled, wondering how it was possible that Silvia could desire to do something and yet not fulfill it.

  “Because I don’t know how to get there.”

  Lily jumped off the elephant too, and stood on the other side of the trunk, patting its nose and feeling the water sift up through, and then moving it to its mouth.

  “Would you like me to teach you how to tedimeta?”

  Silvia smiled, and then quickly covered her mouth, cautious not to display too much emotion.

  “What is it like to tedimeta?” she asked, feeling the wrinkles of the elephant’s skin, and patting its giant ears.

  “It’s incredible…” Lily sighed as she looked above to the sky, remembering the feeling of being so light.

  How lucky to have been taught such a splendid gift, she thought.

  “It does take dedication and practice to clear your mind, but once you can, you can do it effortlessly. And the visions of colors and shadows in evolving patterns overtake your thoughts. They fall into each other, stretching and curving around and around, colliding together as one. And you feel like you are floating in nothingness, a light flickering in complete darkness, and when you open your eyes… you have arrived.”

  Lily blushed as she thought about how happy tedimetaing made her. Aside from the reward of being able to teleport to any place in the world, the fact that she was able to clear her mind so profoundly, so effortlessly, showed how powerful she had become at controlling her own thoughts. And everything around her didn’t seem to be such a problem. There is nothing that cannot be solved, she thought. Everything was wonderful, everything was amazing. All from simply clearing her mind and allowing the light to enter her thoughts.

  The girls tied up the elephant by the watering pond, and sat on the ground together, holding hands and sharing the two crystals. As Lily sat and taught her new pixie friend, she realized how well she had understood the spell, better than she thought she did. It was in that moment of sitting on the floor that she felt herself. Her back stood upright even straighter, and her spine pulled in a little taller. She sat proudly. She realized that she was beginning to know herself from having confidence in the things that she was doing.

  “Now, clear your mind, Silvia. Think of the land of Salor, and let’s tedimeta there as one.”

  “Okay Miss Lily,” Silvia agreed, holding back the bewilderment she secretly held on her face.

  “Close your eyes.” The girls did so at the same time and Lily continued to guide them together. “Take deep breaths and listen to your heart beat. Clear your mind.” Lily could feel her own deep breaths escape from her lungs. With every inhale she took, she felt goodness in the air, and with every exhale, she released any anger or troubled fears that she had held. She relayed her thoughts to Silvia. “Surrender everything you have ever known to be true. It has nothing to do with this moment. Let it go. Let your mind float into the spaces of darkness, but do not fear. For the light that shines inside of you will triumph over anything that could ever possibly come your way.”

  A light inside of Lily’s mind contrasted fiercely against the darkness, and she watched with grace, as an illuminated blue triangle turned into a diamond and then a star, and then strong geometric patterns moved like rippling waters in different directions. They created a frame-like spider web with miniature squares, expanding from the center and shooting past her line of vision. Lily felt that the vibrations were more intense when the girls held hands together, and she squeezed Silvia’s hand as she opened her eyes. Together, the girls were sitting on the yellow pebble shores of Salor and smiled.

  “We did it! We did it!” Silvia jumped up and down, opening her eyes wide with excitement.

  The beach was covered in cobble yellow crystals, and the waves were large and rough. Several children were playing on the beach, and swimming in the waves. There was lots of laughter all around. Many small houses lined the edge of the beach.

  Lily could sense that Silvia wanted to explore and find her family. And obviously, why wouldn’t she? But they didn’t know where to start, or what to ask.

  “What do we do now?” Silvia asked eagerly, looking around to the miniature houses on the beach.

  “How do you think we can identify your family?” Lily threw the question back onto Silvia, as she looked at the other pixies playing on the beach. There were so many people around.

  “I don’t actually know.”

  “You do know, Silvia. There must be something you remember?”

  Lily supported her friend with strength in her words, remembering what Jacques had told her. She had the answer to every question she could ever ask.

  “Nothing Miss Lily, I have no memory.” Silvia put her tiny hand to her head, and scratched her forehead, messing up her fine pieces of silver hair.

  “It’s okay, it will come to you when the time is right. Let’s just ask someone where to start, perhaps some clues will come forth,” Lily suggested, looking around at some of the people playing nearby.

  Directly behind and a little to the right of where the girls were sitting stood an old man who was painting a picture. He had a long beard and wore a slanted hat. Lily stood up and immediately walked over.

  “Excuse me, Sir.”

  “Yes?” Th
e old man stopped painting and smiled with small teeth that peeked out from his beard.

  “We are looking for someone,” Lily explained, and motioned for Silvia to come closer. “How could we find some family members of my friend here?”

  “Ah my ladies, family members are best tracked down by the queen you see. She lives far into the Salor woods, up to the top-most point of the mountain. You can see it from over there.” The old man wiped the tip of his brush into his white button up shirt as he directed the girls.

  The mountain appeared as a tiny speckled dust, very far from where they were now.

  “Oh thank you kind sir,” Lily curtseyed as she replied. “Please do advise, how do we get there?”

  “No problem! Call me Pat,” he said, tipping the top of his hat lightly off in mutual respect. “Are you traveling by foot?” He squinted, crunching his teeth down as if suggesting that it was not a great idea.

  “Yes, unfortunately. How long do you think it would take?”

  “Ah, you would be lucky to make it by moonshine in all honesty. My sister has a zebra you could ride, but you would need to come another day, she is off in town at the moment.”

  “Thank you, you have been most kindly generous dear Pat.” Silvia perked up, excitedly eager with her new options.

  “No problem at all dear ladies. Tell me, what is your name, in case I meet some relatives of yours?”

  “Silvia, my name is Silvia.” She spoke excitedly, with a glimpse in her eye she could feel that she was on the right path.

  “Alright Silvia! I will ask around, and come back again soon. Early morning next time!”

  The girls thanked the kind old man with the straggly beard and turned back to where they were standing to figure out the next steps.

  “What would you like to do?” Lily asked Silvia, encouraging her to make the decision, knowing that such a choice would be empowering for the little pixie.

  “Miss Lily, if it takes a long time to get to her, if it’s alright with you, I think perhaps it would be best to come another day. We should probably be getting back to Queen Jade before nightfall. If we were gone she would be in an awful temper, and I fear what she would do to the others asking for our whereabouts.”