Heart of Gold

by Fiona Palmer

  ‘Tom passed away a month ago.’

  ‘Oh my God. I’m so sorry, CJ. I had no idea. I haven’t talked to Doug in ages. How are you?’

  ‘Okay. It’s kind of a relief, you know.’

  ‘I know.’ If anyone could understand her, it was Lindsay. ‘What else?’ he asked, sensing there was more.

  Try as she might to keep her emotions in check, he could always tell when something was up. ‘Burt’s…’ She stopped and took a breath, and Lindsay watched her fight to keep control. ‘Burt’s also gone. He passed away… just a few days ago.’

  Lindsay felt like someone had just hit him in the guts with a lamp post. Had he heard right – Burt and Tom both dead? He tried to get a grip on the reality of it. She crumbled into tears and sobs, and without thinking, he reached out and pulled her in close.

  ‘Oh, CJ, I’m so sorry. I know how much he meant to you,’ he whispered as he struggled to control his own emotions. He felt her body shake, so he held her tighter and kissed the top of her head. If only he could take away her pain. To think she’d lost so much in the last month – more if you threw him into the mix. All the barriers he’d put up around himself to keep her safe and away from him began to shatter.

  CJ didn’t resist his embrace. Right now she needed his comfort. She needed him. Even if it was only for a few minutes, she’d take what she could get. So she cried. She cried for the man who was lying cold on some slab. She cried for the man she still loved who held her in his big arms.

  Her tears started to subside and she looked up to Lindsay’s face. She saw his own ache at the loss of Burt and it tugged at her heart. And when he bent his head to kiss her, she welcomed it. Their lips met, joined with her salty tears. The wanting in her grew and she deepened the kiss. She pulled back just slightly and saw tears in Lindsay’s eyes. Whether they were from Burt or from their kiss, she’d never know. But she knew then that she didn’t want to sleep alone in her swag. Maybe she’d regret it later, but she badly needed to escape life, to forget that Burt was gone and that tomorrow she’d have to say her final goodbye.

  She reached up and held his face in her hands. The feel of his skin was divine. She gazed deep into his eyes. ‘Stay with me… please?’

  His body quivered at her request but his eyes flickered with caution. ‘I don’t know. It might not be a good idea.’

  CJ sighed. ‘It’s probably not, but right now I just need you to hold me and to tell me it’s all going to be okay. Just for this moment… we’ll deal with tomorrow later. Please?’ It was the second time she’d begged and she knew she’d won him over. She could see the passion in his eyes.

  He wanted to whisper, ‘How could I resist you?’ but hadn’t he done just that – left her and resisted the urge to see her, to be with her? To indulge tonight, to actually live out the endless fantasies and dreams he’d been having – the very thought of it just about had him undone there and then.

  She climbed onto the back of her ute and he followed, watching as she unzipped the cover of her swag and threw it open. He glanced around. The car park was quiet and the club was noisy. She had parked near a line of trees that gave them some privacy. He felt her hand on his and quickly crawled into the swag next to her.

  Lindsay put his arms around her, pulled her in close and kissed her gently on her forehead. He played with her hair and stroked her back, savouring every touch and sensation. He was in pure heaven but he wasn’t going to make a move. It was all up to her. She snuggled closer and her limbs rubbed across the front of him. He groaned involuntarily, and she began to kiss his neck and chest. Now he was dizzy. He couldn’t think of anything except the moist lips and the fingertips that were lifting his singlet.

  Hearing her soft moans of pleasure made his blood red hot. She teased him, opening her shirt and slipping his hand under her singlet. They gasped together at the touch of his hand as it met with her soft, round flesh. They explored in silence, not wanting to break the enchantment.

  A fiery passion grew. No more sorrow, no more pain – just the pure fervour of this moment. Lindsay gazed tenderly into her eyes, connecting with her soul just before they united. He felt his body soar with pleasure up towards the night sky full of stars and the Milky Way.

  Lindsay woke early, his arm aching, but he’d had the best sleep in a long time and he knew that was due to CJ lying next to him. He checked his watch. Only four a.m. The sun wasn’t up but there was light spreading across the soft, blue morning sky. Even though the night had been warm, the morning was cool, and at some stage they had thrown the canvas cover of the swag over them. Lindsay bent down and kissed CJ, whose hair fanned out on the pillow. She was in a deep sleep; he imagined she probably hadn’t had much of it these past few days. He hated to leave her. It took all his effort to sneak out of the swag, and even then he just sat on the side of the ute watching her. She would always have his heart, but right now he had to leave. He didn’t want her to wake and beg him to come back. He didn’t think he’d be strong enough to resist her. Last night hadn’t fixed anything. He was still damaged goods.

  Lindsay looked across the empty car park to his ute. A few stray bottles and cans lay on the gravel. He hoped she wouldn’t hate him for leaving her like this, but it was for the best.

  ‘I love you,’ he whispered, before sliding off the ute and striding away.

  CJ woke to a rumbling sound and managed to prop herself up on an elbow. She saw the tail-lights of Lindsay’s ute disappearing down the main street in the distance. What did she expect? She thought they still had a strong connection, still loved each other, but she should have known last night wouldn’t change anything. She was back to where she was before. Alone and still heartbroken. She could never hate him for his choice. If anything, it only made her love him more for trying to put her first. Last night had been magical under the stars. She could still smell him, taste him, but that just made her feel more achingly alone. She lay her head back on her pillow, her senses reacting to the strong scent Lindsay had left behind. The tears came of their own accord.

  40

  A group of darkly clad bodies milled around the front of the cemetery building for Burt’s service. As if knowing today was a solemn one, Mother Nature had brought in a mass of clouds to shield the sun. The day was still warm and a slight breeze tugged at the bottom of the simple black dress CJ wore. She stood beside her mum, who had a protective arm around CJ’s waist. Dot was in lightweight black slacks and a brown blouse, a white hankie in her hand. CJ’s hair was loose, and she and Irene had both stuffed a couple of tissues into the top of their bras. Paul said CJ should give hers to Irene, as it’d make her breasts look bigger. If they didn’t laugh, they’d probably cry.

  ‘There’s Chris,’ said Irene.

  Chris walked straight over and wrapped his arms around CJ. He smelt good as always, but never as good as Lindsay. As she stepped back, a man behind Chris caused CJ to do a double take. Was it Burt’s ghost? She strained her eyes. The man was so much like him – the same eyes, the same bushy eyebrows and the same chin. She dabbed at her eyes with a tissue under her dark glasses.

  She excused herself and headed towards Burt’s brother. Ross had seen her coming and was walking towards her too. He was shorter than Burt, not as soft in the middle, and had a fraction more hair on his head. And he was clean-shaven and dressed perfectly in a black suit, something Burt never would have been. CJ didn’t need to introduce herself because when they got close enough Ross threw his arms around her, letting her cry on his shoulder.

  Eventually they leaned back and she lifted up her sunnies.

  ‘The famous CJ! I feel as though I know you.’

  ‘I hope Burt only told you the good bits,’ she laughed. ‘I wish we could have met under different circumstances though.’

  Ross patted her arm. ‘So do I, love.’ He looked over and saw the funeral director wave everyone in. ‘Come find me afterwards. I have something for you. Are you still okay to say a few words?’

  She nodded, a
nd they followed the crowd inside and took their seats. The director’s hair was stuck down as if he’d used black sump oil. Soon it was CJ’s turn to speak.

  As she walked to the stage where the microphone stood, she glanced over the small crowd. There weren’t a lot of people – most folks who knew Burt had already left this world and only a handful of others had been allowed to get close. CJ saw her mum, Joe, Irene, Paul and Chris in the front row, and a few others from Lake Moore who’d made the trip. It gave her confidence to speak.

  ‘For those who didn’t know Burt, he had a hard life, losing his wife and child. He seemed tough, but those he let in saw him for the loving, funny, full-of-life character he truly was.’ She took a deep breath to steady her nerves. ‘I’d like to read you one of Burt’s favourite poems. He was a true blue dinky-di Aussie and he was always quoting this poem. It’s called “Australiana” and it’s by one of our Lake Moore locals, Lorna Madson.

  Boronia bushes heavily scented,

  Australian crawl, the stroke we invented,

  The Murray River and Golden Mile,

  The savage attack of the crocodile.

  Bushfires that make the best men nervous,

  The Royal Flying Doctor Service,

  Stations that sit in isolation,

  Arid land watered with irrigation.

  The endless soaring of the big wedge-tail,

  Bushrangers that stopped the Cobb & Co mail,

  The elegant stance of the jabiru,

  The noisy chatter of the cockatoo.

  The significance of the graceful black swans,

  Akubra hats and rubber thongs,

  The endless stretch of the Nullarbor Plain,

  The harvesting of the golden grain.

  Emus, koalas and kangaroos,

  The untouched nature of Kakadu,

  Bondi beach and deep-bronzed girls,

  In Broome the divers bringing up pearls.

  The Pilbara has the iron ore,

  The Great Barrier Reef has coral galore,

  The stockmen have their swags for beds,

  The snow-white fleeces in the shearing sheds.

  Banksia, boab and eucalypt trees,

  Mangrove, mulga, waratah and mallees,

  Aussie Rules football, Holdens and pies,

  Goannas and geckos with their clever disguise.

  For this is Australia, our sunburnt land,

  And if you’re Australian, you’re a special brand,

  It’s a wonderful place that has so much to give,

  Be proud to be Australian, no matter where you live!

  CJ finished the poem and folded her piece of paper. ‘We will remember Burt and his sayings. He was a cocky through and through, and his farm was his life. They really broke the mould when they made Burt, and in his own words, he was as rare as hens’ teeth.’ She sucked in a breath and struggled with her words. ‘I will miss him so much. He was always there for me. We will all miss you, Burt.’

  As CJ walked off the stage she was sure she saw someone standing outside the main doors. She was almost certain it was Lindsay, but when she looked again, there was no one to be seen.

  After the service, she sought out Ross. ‘You wanted to see me?’

  Ross excused himself from his company. ‘Come for a stroll with me. Thank you for your speech. I can see why Burt loved that poem.’

  ‘He’d always recite it after a few scotches when he was feeling patriotic,’ said CJ with a smile.

  Ross’s deep laugh rolled out. They stopped by a small brick wall in the gardens and leaned against it. Ross reached into his pocket and pulled out a letter. ‘This is for you, from Burt.’

  CJ pushed her sunnies onto her head as she took the letter carefully. Her name was written on the front in his flowery, old-style handwriting. She held it to her chest for a moment before opening the envelope and unfolding the pages with trembling hands.

  My dearest CJ,

  I hate having to write this, to say my goodbyes. But it’s really not goodbye as I will always be with you. The docs told me a stroke could happen at any moment, so I was prepared. I was able to get my affairs in order and see my brother one last time.

  I could never tell you how much I loved you and just what you meant to me, CJ. I just hoped you knew.

  But now I want to write it down so you can never doubt how much you tickled this man’s heart. You were my reason for living. To me, you were always like my daughter – and the best daughter a man could wish for. Strong, determined and so beautiful, with a heart of gold.

  Don’t be too sad over this old fool! My time was nearing an end anyway and you’re too young to dwell. You have things to finish, my dear girl, and a shearing school to organise. I do have a favour to ask, though. Please will you look after old Scabs until he can come visit me? He might not last too long, but I will be here waiting for him… Don’t fatten him up too much!

  CJ paused to blot away a stray tear that marked the letter.

  I have left the farm to you and I’ve sold a few blocks for Ross. I left you Rosevale as it is my wish that it become your home. Besides, Scabs’ bed is there. The old house can now be used for your students. I want you to finish your shearing school. I have given you some money to help with costs and also to buy extra sheep if needed. The other condition I have is that Joe stays on for as long as he likes to help run the farm. Though I can’t imagine you’d get rid of him anyway. He’s become a part of the landscape, almost as much as I had.

  My dear girl, I hope the farm gives you plenty of happiness. It did for me, even though I cursed it almost daily.

  Well, that’s all! I will not miss my old body but I will miss you, CJ, and those quiet nights we’d enjoy a good scotch together. Just think – as you are reading this letter, I am with Linda and my baby girl… finally. I will not be alone. I also hope you can find real happiness in love again, for it is a plain old world without it.

  All my love, always,

  Burt xox

  CJ held the letter close to her heart and tried to control her shaky breathing. She looked at Ross strangely. ‘But it should all go to you. It’s your family’s farm!’

  Ross smiled and CJ saw that it was just like Burt’s.

  ‘My dear, I left the farm the moment I could. I haven’t worked a day on that farm. Burt tried to give me half of it but I wouldn’t take it. I’m happy with the little bit I got, just enough for a decent holiday to see out my life. Besides, what does an old man like me want with money? I’ll be soon gone from this life also. It rightly belongs with you. You’re the one he loved like a daughter and who stood by him and helped him on the farm. Be thankful and enjoy it. It’s what Burt wanted.’

  ‘But…’ She couldn’t fathom it. He had left his life to her. Yes, the farm was worth a lot of money, but only if you sold it. Could she cope with a farm and trying to start her shearing school? Joe couldn’t do everything on his own in the busy times. CJ faced Ross. ‘What if I can’t make the farm work? What if I ruin it?’

  Ross laughed. ‘As if you could do any worse than Burt. He was just getting too old. It upset him to see the farm go downhill, but Burt’s pride was always his biggest problem.’

  CJ felt a bit better. She could always help Joe if he needed it and her mum would probably enjoy doing some things. ‘You’re right, Ross. We’ll make it work. It’s just a bit of a shock. I never once thought…’

  Ross put his hand on her arm. ‘Even more reason you should have it. Just think of the possibilities now. You’re young, with your whole life ahead of you.’

  CJ nodded.

  ‘You’ll have to drop around and visit me later, and you’ll need to come back for the reading of the Will too. I’m already looking forward to your visit.’

  ‘I look forward to that too.’

  She linked her arm with Ross’s and they made their way back to the rest of the group, Burt’s letter held tightly in her hand. She didn’t want to tell anyone about it yet, until she could re-read it a few more times in priv
ate.

  ‘Burt wanted his ashes to be spread over the farm. He mentioned a spot called Joe’s Gully?’

  ‘Ah, yes. That’s where Joe got bogged many years back in the old Land Cruiser. Burt said he and Linda used to have picnics by the gully in spring when they were first together. No wonder he chose there. It is a pretty spot when all the daisies are flowering and the quandong trees drop all their bright-red fruit.’

  ‘Shall we wait for next spring to scatter his ashes, then? Give me a good excuse to come see how you’re doing.’

  CJ felt the lump rising and her tears returning. ‘I think Burt would love that. He said he hated mushy stuff but deep down I think he’d be chuffed. Thanks, Ross.’ She hugged him and wished that he smelt like scotch and Ruby tobacco.

  41

  ‘SHEEP ho!’

  Five weeks later CJ was back in the shearing sheds. Rosevale was now hers and she had managed – with the help of her mum – to go through Burt’s things. The family photos and personal things they stored in boxes for Ross. CJ kept a few pictures of Burt because it wouldn’t feel the same not having him in his house. She framed a picture of him and placed it next to Linda on the wall.

  Dot had been tending to the gardens around the homestead, vowing to bring it back to its former glory. Her own house was up for sale and she had made an offer on a small unit in town, which she was very excited about. They had both been busy.