Just One Reason

by Kirsten DeMuzio

  Grady pulled out a pack of cigarettes and stuck one in his mouth, letting it hang dangerously off his lip as he lit it. He ignored Ford’s shout from the bar warning him he couldn’t smoke in here and took a long drag, his cold blue eyes never leaving me.

  “What do you want, Grady?” I asked in the bitchiest voice I could muster. Before he had a chance to reply, the skank of the day flounced over and sat in his lap, just like I predicted. My evil glare turned to her. Grady’s lip curled up in a smirk and he leaned forward, blowing smoke in my face.

  So low only I could hear he said, “What’s the matter, Bambi? Jealous?”

  My self control snapped at the blatant lack of respect in his voice. This wasn’t the Grady I fell in love with, and I had no idea why he was acting this way. Yes, a lot can change in five years, but this wasn’t him. I understood that I had hurt him badly, but he was crossing the line now.

  I stood up, snatched the cigarette out of his mouth and crushed it out on the table. His mouth dropped open slightly in shock, and skanky bitch started to say something. Before she could make a sound I grabbed her by her shoulders and shoved her off his lap. She hit the floor ass first, stunned into silence for a moment. Never before had I been a violent person, but right then I would have jumped headfirst into an all out catfight.

  “What the hell is wrong with you, Grady? Why are you acting like this?” I yelled at him, not caring at all that the entire room was watching us. He stood up abruptly, his chair falling over behind him with the force. Skanky bitch started yelling obscenities at me, but Grady stuck his arm out to keep her behind him.

  We stood toe to toe, our bodies almost touching. His hair fell over his face as he glared down at me. I was a good eight inches shorter than him even with my heels on, but I didn’t back down, stubbornly glaring right back at him. He grabbed my upper arm roughly and dragged me toward the door.

  “Outside. Now,” he ground out between clenched teeth. The sky was black and heavy storm clouds were blocking the stars. Wind from the approaching storm whipped my hair around my face as Grady shoved me outside and stalked back and forth in front of me. I tried unsuccessfully to keep the hair out of my face, and then gave up and planted my hands on my hips.

  “Why are you being such an asshole? What happened to you?” I shouted over the sound of the wind.

  He stopped with his back to me and clenched his fists so tightly his knuckles turned white before slowly turning around to face me. His stormy blue eyes were glaring with anger and hurt. My steely resolve slipped away and I could feel the tears welling up in response to the emotions churning in those captivating eyes.

  When he spoke his voice was low and strained, “You want to know what happened to me?” I couldn’t move or respond; I was frozen in place. Grady ran both hands roughly through his hair and yelled, “YOU HAPPENED TO ME! You, Lindsay. You happened to me.” He resumed his pacing like a caged animal before coming to stand right in front of me.

  “You ripped my heart out of my fucking chest! I loved you, Lindsay. I would have done anything for you, given anything to be with you.” He looked up at the sky and laughed humorlessly, “Apparently you didn’t feel the same way.”

  I stared at him in disbelief that he thought what we had meant nothing to me. My voice was no more than a whisper, and I wasn’t sure he could hear me over the wind that was blowing even stronger now. “You think I didn’t love you? That it didn’t kill me to do what I did?”

  He snorted and shook his head, moving back to put more distance between us. “You didn’t tell anyone about us, Lindsay. Not even your cousin and best friend. I know you tell Taryn everything, but you didn’t tell her about me. I know, Lindsay. I talked to her that first day you came back. She had no clue who I am. NO FUCKING CLUE!”

  My mind was racing but the only clear thought was that he didn’t think I loved him. The tears were streaming down my face now as I screamed back at him, “I didn’t tell anyone because I knew what they would say. That I was too young to know what love is. I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone devaluing what we had. I knew that I would never, never love anyone as much as I love you, Grady.”

  I clutched my arms around my stomach to hold myself together. I could see the questions in his eyes, the questions he deserved to have answers for. And if he had asked me at that moment I would have told him everything. Why I left him. Why I pushed him away.

  But before he could ask, Ford came outside with his usual grumpy expression. “Everything okay out here?” He asked, placing himself strategically between Grady and me.

  “Go away, Ford,” Grady growled.

  “Believe me, the last thing I want to do is break up your love fest out here, but Leah’s water just broke. All over the damn floor.”

  That news snapped us both out of the tense moment. I rushed past Ford and back into the pub. Josh looked like he was about to pass out as he and Leah walked toward me. I took the arm Josh wasn’t holding and helped guide her toward the door.

  “Are you okay? Are you in pain?” I asked nervously.

  Leah blew out a breath, “A little. I just need to get to the hospital so they can give me the drugs before it really starts hurting.”

  “I’ll walk home and get my car and meet you at the hospital. Do you need me to pick anything up from your house?” I asked.

  Josh answered while Leah focused on getting comfortably into the car, “No, we put the bag in the car last week. We’ll see you there.” They pulled out and sped away, leaving Grady and Ford and me standing in the parking lot.

  Ford slung the towel he was holding over his shoulder and headed back inside. “Call me when the baby is actually here. Then I’ll come to the hospital.”

  I followed him inside and grabbed my bag. On my way back out the door, I ran straight into Grady’s solid chest. “You don’t need to walk home. I’ll give you a ride to the hospital,” he said looking down at me. I pursed my lips and nodded.

  When we reached his bike, he put his helmet on my head and clicked the buckle under my chin. We looked at each other for a moment, the air between us charged with unspoken words and raging emotions. He turned away first and swung his leg over the bike. I settled myself behind him, grateful I wasn’t wearing a skirt. There was no distance between us now, at least not physically, as I pressed my legs against him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I felt his body tense at my touch, but I didn’t ease back. Who knew if I would ever get the chance to be this close to him again?

  Like everywhere in Penn Yan, it was a short ride to the hospital. From Grady’s abs under my hands to the feel of him between my thighs, I didn’t want to get off the motorcycle. But I did and handed him his helmet. We didn’t talk as we walked inside and got directions to the Labor and Delivery department.

  When the elevator doors closed and we were alone, Grady shoved his hands in his pockets and said, “I think there’s a lot we need to talk about, Lindsay.”

  I exhaled a breath and agreed, “Yeah, there is.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Grady

  We settled in the waiting area and were soon joined by Leah’s and Josh’s parents. About an hour into our wait Lindsay was able to go in and visit Leah in her room. When Lindsay returned she and Leah’s mom started an in-depth conversation about water breaking, epidurals, centimeters and some other shit I tried to ignore. I felt like putting my fingers in my ears and saying “blah, blah, blah.” It was enough I was here at the hospital in the middle of the night. I didn’t need to hear all the gory details. The only thing I was grateful to catch was that the nurse thought the baby would be here within a few hours. Maybe I would be able to get a few hours of sleep tonight.

  Aware of the people around us, Lindsay and I didn’t talk while we waited, and sometime around 2:00 am she fell asleep. We were sitting on a small loveseat together and she looked extremely uncomfortable curled up on her cushion trying to keep space between us. When her breathing evened out and I was sure she was asleep, I put my arm around her
shoulders and gently eased her over to lie against my chest. She instantly snuggled closer and wrapped her arm around my waist.

  Everyone was talking excitedly around us with Josh coming out periodically to give updates. I wasn’t in the mood for chit-chat so I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. Although there was no way I could fall asleep; I was too aware of Lindsay’s warm body sprawled across me.

  I ran my fingers lightly through the silky strands of her hair while my mind replayed our argument outside the pub tonight. All this time, for five years, I thought Lindsay broke it off because she didn’t love me. I mean what else would I think when all I get is an e-mail saying we are over and asking me to stop calling. And then talking to Taryn and finding out Lindsay never even told her about me? It was like driving the knife farther into my heart and twisting it.

  For a split second when Taryn first said Lindsay was here, I felt a flash of hope. Hope that she was here for me. Hope that she would apologize for leaving me and want to get back what we had. But that wasn’t the case. She was running from whatever made her life in the city so unbearable.

  For the last month, since Lindsay set her high heeled feet in Penn Yan, the feelings of betrayal and hurt I’d learned to live with had only intensified. Now to hear that she hadn’t stopped loving me? I didn’t miss that she said “love you”, present tense. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? And if she still loves me and I’ve basically been treating her like shit for the past month? I wouldn’t blame her if she hates me now.

  I pinched the bridge of my nose with the hand not tangled in Lindsay’s hair. The only question that matters right now is do I still love her? Looking down at Lindsay sleeping, snuggled against me, so trusting and beautiful, I know the answer is undeniably yes. Of course I love her. I never stopped.

  “Grady,” Lindsay murmured, nuzzling her face against my chest like she was inhaling me and gripping my shirt in her fist like she didn’t want to let me go. I froze and moved my head so I could see her face. She was still asleep. She was still asleep and obviously dreaming about me.

  Hearing Lindsay whisper my name hit me hard. Any doubts I had about where to go from here disappeared in that moment. If there was even the slightest chance we could get back what we once had, I had to try. There was something important that Lindsay wasn’t telling me - something important enough to make her turn away from our love. Lindsay and I needed to talk about what happened to pull us apart all those years ago, and then we needed to figure out how to go forward - together.

  I must have fallen asleep for a while, because the next thing I knew Josh came out and woke me up.

  “It’s a girl!” He beamed.

  The grandparents all jumped up to hug and congratulate him. I couldn’t move, because Lindsay was still fast asleep. So I shook Josh’s hand over her head and ignored the questioning glance he threw me.

  “Congratulations, man. How are the baby and Leah?”

  “Leah powered through like a champ. She’s getting cleaned up and moved upstairs. Maddy is so beautiful, like a little doll. You have to see her; she’s perfect,” Josh gushed.

  “Maddy?” I asked. They had chosen the name a while ago, but refused to tell anyone. Leah said if you told people before the baby was born they felt free to give their honest opinions about the name. If you told them once the baby was already here, there was nothing they could say except what a beautiful name it was.

  “Madeleine Grace. Seven pounds three ounces, twenty inches long,” Josh said proudly. I was truly happy for him. Having never had a child, I couldn’t fully understand what he was feeling, but if the huge smile on his face was any indication, it was something I looked forward to experiencing some day.

  “You guys can all come to the nursery to see her through the window, but you’ll have to come back during visiting hours to hold her and see Leah,” Josh called over his shoulder as he hurried back down the hall. His parents and Leah’s followed after him.

  Even though I wanted to stay here all night with Lindsay, I also wanted to see the baby. I brushed a stray lock of hair off her forehead and gently rubbed her back. Lindsay murmured something unintelligible and tightened her grip around my waist.

  I moved my fingers across her forehead again and whispered, “Lindsay, wake up. The baby’s here.” She reluctantly pushed herself up and blinked sleepily at me. The sight of Lindsay waking up was something I had missed. Her hair mussed and her eyelids heavy.

  “Is she okay? What time is it?” She asked in a husky sleepy voice. I stood up and took her hand to pull her up too.

  “Leah and the baby are both great. It’s only 3:30. Josh said we can see her in the nursery, but we’ll have to come back tomorrow or actually later today to visit Leah and hold the baby.”

  This was the most civil conversation between us in the last month, and it seemed neither of us knew what to do with that. So, I dropped her hand as we walked together toward the nursery. This wasn’t the time or place to delve into that conversation.

  Josh’s and Leah’s parents were already there, and Josh was standing behind the glass in a blue scrub gown holding up a tiny pink bundle. His dark hair was standing up in all directions and there were dark circles under his eyes from being up all night, but I had never seem him look happier. The grin on his face was infectious, and I watched Lindsay beaming back at him as she pressed her hand to the glass.

  “She’s beautiful,” she breathed. “What’s her name?” She asked looking up at me. Her lips were curved into a soft smile, but tears were streaming down her cheeks. I’d never been to see a newborn before, but I was pretty sure this was not a normal reaction. Even the grandparents weren’t sobbing. A few silent tears maybe, but not Niagara Falls like Lindsay.

  My eyebrows pulled together as I looked at her, and I framed her delicate face with my hands, brushing her tears away with my thumbs.

  “Madeleine Grace,” I said softly. She bit her plump lower lip and looked back to Josh and his daughter. Josh and Maddy were posing for pictures, and Lindsay watched, captivated. It was clear she was happy for Leah and Josh, but there was something else going on with her. There was such a desperate sadness in her eyes, almost like grief.

  She needed to get out of here, that much was clear, so I put my arm around Lindsay’s shoulder and pulled her back from the window.

  “Come on, Lindsay. It’s late. I’ll take you home.”

  Lindsay let me lead her away and out of the hospital. She was still crying, harder now, her shoulders shaking and her chest heaving. What the hell was going on here? She stood before me when we reached my bike. I brushed a few more tears from her face when I secured my helmet on her head, snapping the clasp under her chin like a child. Helping her onto the bike behind me, I wrapped her arms snuggly around my waist and covered her hands with my mine.

  “Are you okay, Lindsay?” I asked gruffly. She made that sniffling hiccupy sound and shook her head against my back. No, she definitely wasn’t okay. I really wished I knew why. I could handle angry Lindsay, snarky Lindsay, even bitchy Lindsay. But I couldn’t handle sad, heartbroken Lindsay. I felt her pain in my own chest, and I didn’t know what to do to fix it. I didn’t even know what the problem was to begin with.

  I sighed but didn’t say anymore as I started the bike and drove to Lana’s house. When we arrived I walked Lindsay to the front door and waited while she unlocked it. She turned to me, still crying. Her eyes were wells of emotion, spilling over onto her cheeks. I wanted to pull her to me, hold her close and make her tell me what was going on with her.

  But it was almost sunrise and neither of us had much sleep tonight. I clenched my jaw and looked down at the ground. “You should get some sleep,” I said stiffly. She nodded and turned to go inside. Her shoulders were slumped; she looked thoroughly defeated.

  “Lindsay,” I called, jogging up the steps to the front porch. She turned back just as I reached her and pulled her into my arms. After a second she relaxed into me, wrapping her arms around my waist and s
obbing against my shoulder. I don’t know how long we stood there, with me caressing her hair and back while I whispered comforting words.

  “Sshh, Lindsay. It’s okay. You’re okay.” I hoped to hell that was true, but I didn’t know what else to say. Crying females were never my specialty. Finally her tears slowed and she slowly pulled away.

  “Thanks, Grady,” she muttered and went inside, leaving me standing alone on the porch.

  I didn’t leave right away. Instead I stayed until I saw the light in her room go on and then off again a few minutes later. Knowing she was safely tucked in bed, I rode home to catch a couple of hours of sleep before I had to get up for work.

  In the morning I realized I never turned my phone back on when we left the hospital. Switching it on I saw a missed call from a number I didn’t recognize. The voicemail was from a local realtor with an offer on my house from his buyer. I had until 6:00 pm to respond.

  Shit. This was not what I needed today. Sinking back down on my bed I sat with my elbows on my knees and dropped my head into my hands. Lana said the house would go quickly, and yesterday at this time I would have accepted the offer straight out. It was a good offer, really good. But with everything that happened last night and finding out that there was more to Lindsay and me then I knew, I couldn’t sell right now. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t sell ever.

  I called the realtor back right then, even though it was barely 7:00 am and declined the offer. I even went so far as to tell him the house was off the market. Then I went outside and pulled the For Sale sign out of the yard. I built this house for Lindsay, and I couldn’t give it up anymore than I could give her up.

  With Josh out for at least a week with the baby, I had plenty to do to keep me busy all day. I busted my ass so I could leave a little early and swing by the hospital. Then I was going to find Lindsay, and we were going to have the conversation that was five years in the making. I had a nagging feeling that her meltdown last night had something to do with us and our history, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure it out.