Joe Bruzzese

by Parents' Guide to the Middle School Years

  Show you care. Regularly letting your child know “I’m here if you need me” without bombarding him with constant questioning both shows him you care and encourages him to open up on his own.

  “I struggled to maintain a relationship with my son Alex during his middle school years. His resolve to gain independence was unrelenting. He’d say things like, ‘You can trust me, Mom,’ so I gave him almost unlimited freedom. Later, I’d find out he’d been at a friend’s house, unsupervised for hours and into all kinds of trouble.”

  —Caitlin, high school parent, Jasper, WY

  Establish expectations. Before the school year begins, share your expectations for after-school and weekend activity participation. Are weekends open for an unlimited number of outings with friends? Or does your vision for the year include family time every week? What’s your policy on your child hanging out with friends after school? Is it OK for your child to have friends over without supervision? What about a trip to the mall or the movies—will these types of group activities require a chaperone? Having a clear set of expectations in place will alleviate the need for continued debates throughout the year.

  What kids need to know about drugs and alcohol

  Most elementary schools now educate kids about the effects of alcohol and drugs in the primary grades (kindergarten through third grades). Drug awareness education typically continues each year, gradually increasing in depth and complexity. Children across all grade levels generally observe Red Ribbon Week, an annual effort in the campaign to expand drug and alcohol awareness.

  Build on this foundation by talking with your child about the four serious side effects of alcohol and drug use below before the school year begins. Discussing substance use and abuse with your child sends a clear message: I care about you and recognize there may be tough times ahead. During this same discussion, it’s important to talk about the difference between use and abuse. Without this distinction, a parent’s occasional glass of wine with dinner could be perceived as alcohol abuse. Tackling these challenging issues during the adolescent years strengthens the connection between parent and child—the strong bond you both may need to get you through some of life’s most challenging moments.

  COACHING TIP

  Before sharing your personal thoughts about how use and abuse differ, ask your child to share her thoughts; you may find that she’s already fairly clear on the difference. You may need only to clarify small misunderstandings.

  There are four serious side effects of drinking and drugs:

  1. Impaired physical and mental function. A brain affected by alcohol or drugs has difficulty making wise decisions and sending signals to the right muscles needed for talking, walking, and most seriously, driving.

  2. Overwhelming fatigue. Alcohol and drugs sap the body’s energy, making you feel exhausted.

  3. Emotional changes. The parts of the brain that control emotion are affected as well, making you feel anger, sadness, and depression.

  4. Life-threatening side effects. Vomiting, difficulty breathing, and death can result from consuming large amounts of alcohol or drugs in a short period of time.

  Dealing with depression

  As if all the aforementioned topics weren’t enough for your middle schooler to deal with, stress-driven depression can also set in around this time, as he tries to cope with the many social, emotional, and physical changes he’s experiencing. Transitional times can trigger increased anxiety in today’s middle schoolers. The uncertainty of a new school year, coupled with the potential for academic overload, is enough to frazzle an adolescent mind. The end of long breaks like the winter holiday and spring break have potential for trouble as well: returning to the routine of early morning wake-ups and full nights of homework can make your child feel overwhelmed—a precursor of stress-driven depression. You’ll be able to tell the difference between the occasional mood swing and truly stressful times by watching out for the following five warning signs:

  1. The fun is gone. When hanging out with friends or going to practice isn’t fun anymore, your child is probably stressed about something.

  2. Missing school. Occasionally staying home from school because of illness is OK, but missing a lot of school mainly because your child just doesn’t feel like getting out of bed may be a sign of too much stress.

  3. Lack of energy. Feeling tired at the end of the day or as she rolls out of bed in the morning is normal. Falling asleep in the middle of the day could mean her body is feeling the effects of stress.

  “Andrew had a bit of a meltdown after a recent game, but I’m actually surprised it didn’t happen sooner. It was due to a combination of school expectations, soccer, and other activities. We worked through his breakdown by focusing on the right now—that minute—and then moving on. Later, when he’d had a chance to calm down, we figured out a plan for how he’d achieve his objectives over the next three to four days. He was extremely relieved.”

  —Carol, middle school mom, San Antonio, TX

  4. Changes in eating habits. Eating more often than normal or constantly feeling hungry are two common signs of stress. Eating a lot less than normal or completely losing the appetite are also signs of stress.

  5. Changes in sleep patterns. Middle schoolers need approximately nine hours of sleep a night. Sleeping for twelve or more hours may be a response to a series of stress-filled days.

  When adolescents experience these changes, the last thing they may want to do is to be around other people—especially parents. However, because prolonged stress often leads to depression, you’ll want to alleviate the stress through proactive strategies. Here are ten tips for how you can help your child reduce stress in his life:

  1. Have regularly scheduled family dinners. At dinner time, ask everyone to talk about what happened during the day—including at least one good thing. This can be small (“I didn’t have to wait for the bus—it came right away”) or major (“I got a B on my science test”).

  2. Be health-minded. Encourage the whole family to take care of the three basics—eating well, sleeping enough, and exercising regularly.

  3. Make laughter a priority. Watch funny TV shows and movies together. When you hear a joke that you like, remember it to share at home.

  4. Let go of negative feelings. When conflicts or bad moods seem to get out of hand, call for a time-out. Any argument can benefit from a walk around the block to cool off.

  5. Create quiet times. No TV, no music, no computer—just make an environment conducive to meditation, reflection, reading, or rest. You may need to negotiate this with a child who’s used to practically round-the-clock sound.

  “About midway through the school year my son’s English teacher asked the class, ‘How do you know when you’re too busy?’ I cringed when I heard my son’s reply, ‘When I can’t remember the last time I saw my friends.’ I had forgotten about what mattered the most in his life.”

  —Dawn, middle school mom, San Diego, CA

  6. Pitch in. As a family, help one another. For example, if your child is struggling to complete a school project, other family members can collate reports, staple exhibits on a display board, or bring in a snack.

  7. Celebrate. Mark not just birthdays, but accomplishments like a child’s improved report card. No gifts are required; simply saying “Congratulations,” initiating a round of applause, or writing a note of acknowledgment will get the point across.

  8. Welcome friends. Encourage your child to invite friends over and have them stay for dinner or a sleepover.

  9. Inspire. Talk with your child about goals, making plans, and thinking ahead. Show that you take your child’s goals seriously and will do what you can to help.

  10. Create an action plan. Planning can help your child handle a worrisome challenge. Divide the task up into parts she can manage. A one-step-at-a-time approach divides and conquers anxiety.

  Taking the time to familiarize yourself with the social issues your child will face in middle school is half the battle. You now have
a stronger grasp of those issues and are more prepared to support your child throughout the ups and downs of her middle school journey. Supporting your child through the roller coaster ride of middle school wouldn’t be possible without help from a team of qualified kid experts. One of the greatest benefits of the move to middle school is gaining not one, but a minimum of four new teachers. Your child’s composition of teachers forms the core of your parental support team. The relationship you establish with this group of individuals will significantly impact your child’s growth for years to come. Building a relationship requires work from both ends—teachers and parents. In the coming chapter, we’ll discuss how to establish strong and supportive relationships with all of your child’s new teachers.

  CHAPTER 2

  Building Solid

  Relationships

  with Teachers

  FOR BOTH STUDENTS AND PARENTS, forming good relationships with teachers is another important piece of the middle school pie. This process can prove challenging for parents. For one thing, you’ll find that middle school teachers try to raise the level of student accountability by first confronting students directly with questions or concerns about achievement before bringing issues to a parent. This can be disconcerting at first; after all, during your child’s elementary school years you’ve grown accustomed to being the first to receive word about your child’s progress or lack thereof. But by approaching the student first, teachers compel the student to play a more active part in his school experience. Of course, this presents a new challenge to your child as well.

  You can support your child during this developmental shift by working to build your own strong relationships with his middle school teachers. Together you, your child, and your child’s teachers can form a network of mutual support that leads to a successful middle school experience for all of you.

  Teachers: middle school versus elementary school

  Before we talk about how to form good relationships with your child’s middle school teachers, consider the following perspectives from parents whose children have already been through middle school:

  “Middle school teachers are often perceived as more heavy-handed, while elementary teachers are seen as more nurturing.”

  —Sarah, middle school mom, Dayton, OH

  “We were pleasantly surprised by the warmth and enthusiasm of our son’s [middle school] teachers. The fall orientation days gave us a chance to meet and talk to his teachers and the school administrators. Somehow, meeting everyone in person set our minds at ease.”

  —John and Lisa, middle school parents, Denver, CO

  “I noticed a broader range of personalities. It took my kids by surprise when they entered middle school. Some teachers, even elementary teachers, are project-oriented, not people-oriented.”

  —Ann, mom of two middle school boys, Ojai, CA

  “With seven classes on her schedule, my daughter was in for a real challenge. In addition to the increased work load I was really surprised by how different each teacher was when it came to assignments, tests, and project requirements.”

  —Jackie, middle school mom, San Diego, CA

  For many kids, middle school marks the first time they will travel from classroom to classroom to learn from a variety of teachers who each cover a specific subject, rather than remaining in the same classroom with a single teacher for an entire day of study. Clearly middle school teachers are a varied group of individuals, yet they share a common set of requirements when it comes to what they expect from students during the first few weeks of the school year. The following tips can help your child get started on the right foot with any teacher.

  1. Arrive on time for each class. Punctuality will play a big part in helping your child to build a positive first impression with his teachers—but he’ll probably need some help in this area, as the single-classroom structure of elementary school has not given many new middle schoolers an accurate sense of how long it takes to travel between classes. From the moment the bell signaling the end of one class rings, your child will have several minutes to arrive on time to his next class. Encourage your child to consider saving longer conversations for the longer morning break or lunch period. Add a wristwatch to his list of back-to-school supplies; it’s an invaluable tool for promoting prompt attendance, because late arrivals often translate into teacher-issued tardy marks. Although teachers may stretch the transition time by a minute or two during the first few weeks of class, if your child continues to slide in after the bell he will face unpleasant consequences. Trips to detention and study hall are often used to deter future late arrivals; however, what most middle schoolers don’t always realize is how a teacher perceives a student who is chronically tardy. Being perceived as a student who lacks respect for a teacher’s time can create a barrier between the teacher and student. A record of too many tardies can also adversely affect a student’s overall grade. Be sure to review the school’s tardy policy with your child to avoid any misunderstandings about the school’s daily schedule.

  COACHING TIP

  Teachers like to review their expectations repeatedly during the opening weeks of school, emphasizing what’s most important to them. For example, if your child hears a teacher tell the class over and over again about the importance of homework, she can expect a large portion of her final grade to come from homework assignments. If another teacher talks a lot about tests, this is a tip that studying well for tests is a good idea.

  2. Share ideas and ask questions. Class participation also contributes to a good impression. Most teachers base a portion of a student’s final grade on it. So even if everyone else is trying to keep a low profile, encourage your child to share some thoughts during the class discussion. Middle schoolers can be reluctant to stand out in ways that might attract their peers’ attention and get them labeled a know-it-all. Try giving your child a friendly reminder about making a positive first impression; this can help him overcome his initial apprehension.

  3. Work ahead. Completing assignments and projects before they’re due results in both better grades and a less stressful school year for your child—and for you. To help your child develop this skill, find five minutes to sit together and scan each class syllabus for the words late work policy. If those words are followed by No late work will be accepted, make a mental note to put these classes at the top of the homework priority list. Also, keep in mind that although many teachers accept work after the deadline, they give lower grades to late assignments. The best strategy is to finish all work by the deadline if not before.

  4. Come prepared. English class is usually a no-brainer when it comes to materials. If your child brings the class textbook or novel, notebook, and a pen, she’ll be ready for anything. Math and science classes often require additional accessories (calculator, compass, protractor, lab books, and so on). Help your child compile a list of required materials for each class. Encourage your child to check the list between classes; this can help her avoid the stress of showing up to class unprepared.

  Do any of these tips sound familiar? In many ways, middle school rules and expectations are similar to those in elementary school. The challenge for your child will be to adjust to the subtle rule changes that come with a roster of different teachers, each with a unique personality, preferences, and expectations. Coaching your child to look and listen for these differences early in the school year will help minimize misunderstandings later.

  “Taking the time to review each syllabus with my son gave me an overview of the entire year. Knowing there was a plan in place set my mind at ease.”

  —Sancy middle school mom, Ventura, CA

  Making sense of the syllabus

  Fortunately, most teachers hand out a syllabus on the first day of school. Most syllabi include everything the teacher wants your child to know about the class (such as grading policies, homework policies, and an overview of the year). Understanding this road map will dramatically increase your child’s chances of meeting the teacher’s expectations. T
he idea of learning the rules may sound easy; the hard part is taking action on what you know.

  It takes time to sift through six or more syllabi, so plan this activity for an evening when you will have at least thirty minutes of uninterrupted time with your child. Find a highlighter and ask your child to mark the answers to the following questions on each class syllabus:

  1. What’s the homework policy? When should assignments be completed? Is homework assigned every night or once a week? Are assignments handed in or kept in a notebook for review at a later date?

  2. How will final grades be determined? What percentage of the course grade is based on homework versus projects, tests, participation, and attendance?

  3. What materials are required? Does your child need to bring any materials (notebooks, binders, and so on) in addition to the class textbook?

  4. Can you contact the teacher outside of class if you have questions? Look for a phone number, email address, or class website.

  COACHING TIP

  Teachers occasionally offer students extra credit opportunities. Middle schoolers have a tendency to live in the present, not considering the possibility that they might need a few extra points at the end of the quarter. Suggest to your child that she take advantage of every extra assignment or challenge that a teacher offers. Even though these assignments may seem unnecessary, extra points add up over time. Given that it’s hard to predict what your child’s grade will be at the end of the quarter, having a few extra points in the bank may come in handy. The other benefit to completing extra credit is that teachers come to understand more about your child and how she learns. The standardized format of assigning the same nightly homework for the whole class leaves little room for kids to show their unique learning abilities and interests. By taking on extra assignments or self-selected projects, a child offers teachers new insights into that child’s life—insights that can strengthen the relationship between teacher and student and add further depth to the learning experience.