Joe Bruzzese

by Parents' Guide to the Middle School Years

  Talking with teachers

  After your child goes through the class syllabus, he may still have lingering questions, best addressed by asking the teacher directly. Even if your child doesn’t need to speak with his teachers right off the bat, chances are he will at some point during the year—and that means a one-on-one conversation.

  COACHING TIP

  Teachers often arrive early in the morning or remain in their classrooms during lunch or after school. Consider an early morning drop-off or late pickup one day during the week so your child may be able to check in with a few teachers outside of the traditional school day. For quick questions, it’s OK to contact teachers by email or making a phone call. But when your child has a question about content information, an email or phone call may not be the best method.

  If talking with teachers makes you or your child nervous, don’t worry: we’ll look at two approaches to initiating a conversation—one for teacher-child discussion, the other for teacher-parent interactions. Some children find it hard to talk one-on-one with their teachers. Traditionally, children are not given many opportunities to talk with adults, particularly those in positions of authority, so taking the initiative to address a teacher outside of the formal class discussion can be a challenge. Your child may find starting a conversation with his teacher especially daunting in the midst of a busy school schedule, with only a few minutes in between classes. However, middle school is when your child begins the journey toward independence and responsibility for his own progress at school. For this reason I encourage you to promote teacher-child conversations whenever possible.

  So what’s the best way for your child to catch a teacher to discuss a question or concern? Review the following four-point plan, then take ten minutes to role-play a conversation your child could have with a teacher. Take turns playing the roles of teacher and student so you can model how the conversation might flow from both perspectives.

  1. Prepare for progress. Your child should think about the question(s) he wants to ask and what information he hopes to gain prior to asking a teacher for assistance outside of class. Coaching your child through the process of clearly articulating his concern can make the difference between a truly rewarding interaction and one that leaves him feeling frustrated. If your child’s questions are related to something learned in class, then brainstorm a list of specific questions about the content. Encourage your child to steer clear of general statements like “I don’t understand any of this,” which don’t pinpoint where help is needed.

  If homework is the challenge, suggest that your child bring specific questions or problems to the meeting. A word of caution: questions about tests should be focused on learning the information that was missed rather than making a plea for a better grade—unless, of course, there is a concern that the test was graded incorrectly.

  2. Engage. A few opportunities to role-play the conversation will prime your child for an engaging and rewarding meeting with the teacher. On the day of the meeting, simply ask your child, “How do you feel about talking with your teacher today?” This general question leaves the door open for any last-minute role-play or advice you can offer. Occasionally, kids will ask for a few last-minute pointers, but most are ready to tackle the challenge independently. At this point your role as a coach is complete. It’s time for your child to step into the game and use the skills he has practiced.

  3. Ask for time. Begin by asking the teacher the following question, either before class begins or right after the class is dismissed: “Is there a time today or tomorrow when I could talk with you about a question/concern I have?” Your child’s goal is only to schedule a time for a conversation, so encourage your child to resist the temptation to start discussing the specific concern at that time, particularly if it’s about the course content. The ideal time to talk with a teacher is during a break when the teacher can give your child five to ten minutes of uninterrupted time.

  “My son was scared to death about the possibility of confronting his teacher with questions about what he didn’t understand. He took the plunge and met the teacher anyway after some encouragement from his mom and me. Later I received an email from his teacher who told me how excited he was to see a student taking responsibility for his achievement. What an incredible step forward for our son.”

  —Jim, middle school dad, Denver, CO

  4. Follow-up. Follow up with your child after the meeting: “How did things go with Mr. Smith today?” Your child’s initial reaction will tell you more than his words might. A long sigh usually means that the meeting could have been better. A broad smile could mean that the meeting went exactly as planned. Try to refrain from a round of twenty questions. Remember, this was your child’s chance at sharing a meaningful conversation with an adult authority figure. Feel content in the knowledge that you had a hand in coaching your child to the point of initiating a conversation. That said, it’s perfectly acceptable to send the teacher an email or leave a short voicemail expressing your gratitude for the time he or she spent talking with your child. If there was anything notable in the conversation, you can bet the teacher will either call or respond to your email with the pertinent details.

  Building a relationship with middle school teachers

  It can be hard for you to start standing on the sidelines as your child begins to assume responsibility for talking with teachers. Throughout elementary school, it’s usually the parents and teachers who communicate about a child’s academic progress. Teacher conferences typically include only parents. In those years, you may also have welcomed the occasional impromptu conversation with a teacher when you dropped your child off at school or when you volunteered as a classroom helper. But when your child starts middle school, although you are still a valued partner in the education process, this changes; your role shifts from primary advocate for your child to more of a supporting role, as your child starts becoming his own advocate.

  Understanding how and when to talk with teachers can open the door to supportive relationships—and sometimes, even new adult friendships—that will benefit both you and your child.

  COACHING TIP

  Most teachers see an average of 150 students pass through their classroom each day. Multiply 150 students by a teacher’s tenure at the school and you have a person with considerable middle school experience. If you suspect that your child has a concern or question that he may be reluctant to share with a teacher, consider calling or emailing the teacher to gently suggest an impromptu conversation with your child at school. Teachers can be a wonderful source of wisdom for a child, particularly when that child is tuning out a parent’s words.

  One good way to identify the best times to talk with your child’s teachers is to know a few of the least opportune times. For example, the two minutes before the class begins is one of the least available times for teachers and carries the added negative of extreme embarrassment for your child. It’s also taboo to seek out teachers at school on the weekend, when they need a quiet break from the routine of the work week to catch up on classroom organizing, paperwork, and the like. This taboo extends to phone calls over the weekend and public places like the grocery store, shopping mall, and sports venues. Although teachers may be difficult to contact face-to-face during standard working hours, parents actually have a greater opportunity to connect with teachers and school personnel than in the past through—you guessed it—email and telephone calls.

  Don’t wait until Back to School Night to introduce yourself. Get off to a good start by following these four tips for productive parent-teacher relationships:

  Make contact early. Sift through the pile of papers that your child brings home the first week of school. Look for contact information for each of your child’s teachers. Create a contact list with any information you can find. With your contact list in hand, start making calls or sending emails. The ideal time for this is during the second or third week of school, as week one is hectic for everyone. Generally by week two classes are more in sync,
and teachers will have time to respond to your messages. Finally, post the list in a visible location for future reference.

  Focus on the positive. After reading through the class syllabi, choose something positive to comment on in your initial conversation or email with teachers. “The outline of class assignments in the syllabus is very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to lay out the scope of the year” is a powerful statement that tells a teacher you care about your child’s learning and appreciate the time and effort the teacher has invested. Commenting on the inclusion of a teacher’s biography or the promise of challenging course content also creates a positive impression about your commitment to the school year and your child’s learning.

  Connect in person. When Back to School Night finally arrives, make your way through the crowd of anxious parents vying for the teacher’s attention and warmly introduce yourself. Your past efforts at communication will have paved the way for a solid relationship in the year ahead.

  COACHING TIP

  Keep your email or phone call brief. The goal is to introduce yourself with a quick, positive comment about the class and upcoming school year. A lengthy call or email can flag you as another overbearing parent who wants to take control of his or her child’s year in middle school.

  Maintain contact. Continue to build your relationship by sending an email or leaving voice mails every three to four weeks to share something positive (your child’s enjoyment of the class, the interesting selection of readings, and so on). If you ever need to discuss a challenging topic such as academic progress or a peer-related issue, it’s more likely your questions will find a welcoming ear.

  Your initial connection with teachers is meant to lay the foundation for a year-long relationship. Given that children spend a significant number of their waking hours at school, teachers play an essential role in your child’s life. With their support and encouragement, both you and your child will be better able to thrive in the months ahead.

  When to get involved

  Through short, ongoing conversations with their teachers, most kids will weather most issues that arise during the school year. However, some conflicts require additional attention and support from both teachers and parents. Relentless taunting from a school bully is one extreme example that warrants a conversation among teacher, child, and parent outside of school hours. Failing grades or a series of missed assignments (a precursor to failing grades) would also necessitate a more formal discussion involving everyone. It can be hard to define the line between what should and shouldn’t prompt a parent-teacher-student conference. Use the following list of situations and suggested actions as a quick guide for differentiating between issues that warrant parent intervention and those better left to a child and teacher to sort out.

  Situation: Your child spent the first week of school ranting about how strict his math teacher was, using the word unfair to describe his anticipated homework load. He pleads, “Can I switch to a different class?”

  Suggested action: Do nothing, outside of acknowledging that school can be challenging at times. You can try sharing a personal story about a difficult teacher from your past, though that probably won’t do much to diminish your child’s angst. Don’t assume the problem solver role; your budding middle schooler is capable of taking on this challenge. You can, however, monitor your child’s progress by asking to see graded assignments and tests. If the academic rigor exceeds what you consider to be realistic, then send a brief email to the teacher inquiring about how you can support your child’s ongoing achievement. If his progress remains stagnant or begins to head south of the C range, ask for a formal conference.

  Situation: Midway through the academic quarter, you open the mailbox to find your child’s progress report. Verbal assurances from your child over the past few weeks that everything was “fine” left you unprepared for the less than satisfactory tally of grades you now see.

  Suggested action: Before picking up the phone or heading to the computer to set up a formal inquiry with your child’s teachers, take a few minutes to talk with your child. Unless the grades border on failure, give your child a chance to brainstorm a list of ideas for academic improvement. If you jump in too soon with a barrage of helpful hints (or a warning of severe consequences), you strip your child of all responsibility for personal improvement. An informal sit-down with him is often all it takes to generate a list of new strategies. Lectures and severe consequences result in short-term changes at best. You have a better chance of seeing long-term positive change if, with your support, your child makes a firm commitment to act on his own ideas for improvement.

  Situation: Your child’s course schedule has been challenging from the beginning of the quarter. Nightly assignments and test preparation keep her studying late into the evening hours. The extra effort at home hasn’t translated into improvement at school. Over the past three weeks, her test grades and assignment results have slipped significantly. When you’ve tried to offer her support, she’s responded with irritation, assuring you “Everything is fine” and “Just let me deal with it.”

  Suggested action: Kids tend to achieve at a fairly consistent level over time. A rapid descent in academic achievement is a signal that something is amiss. A child’s reluctance to discuss the issue is further cause for alarm. In this case, your first step should be to contact the school. Try sending a brief email or leaving a voicemail, expressing concern for your child’s recent academic decline and asking for suggestions about how you can offer additional support. If a teacher’s response indicates an equal level of concern, then suggest a short (twenty minute) meeting during after-school hours in which both you and your child can talk with the teacher. Although most adolescents balk at the idea of a three-way meeting, their attendance is absolutely essential if any long-term changes are to be achieved.

  Situation: Tension at home has reached an all-time high. With the exception of an occasional hello and goodbye, your child now communicates in short grunts. Although the recent report card shows solid marks, your usually jovial child seems caught somewhere between frustration and sadness. Repeated invitations to engage in family activities are met with little enthusiasm.

  Suggested action: A few poor academic outings or a recent blowup between friends coupled with the emotional changes brought on by puberty is the classic recipe for adolescent angst. When asked, most adolescents can’t articulate a single reason for their emotional swings. Don’t hesitate to talk with adults who affect your child’s life. Connect with teachers, coaches, and adult mentors; they can be an invaluable source of information and support. Often the other adults in your child’s life have observed some of the same behaviors but dismissed them as isolated incidents. By gathering a variety of perspectives from the important adults in your child’s life, you can gain a more complete picture of what may have led to your child’s current emotional state. In a typical weekday he will spend more time with adults outside the home than with his parents, so it’s in your best interest to keep in contact with this group of influential adults.

  A well-established relationship with your child’s teachers prepares both of you for the first of many formal achievement benchmarks: progress reports. The uncertainty associated with progress reports can be anxiety-producing, even for the high-achieving child. The self-imposed pressure to excel often keeps high achievers in a perpetual state of stress as they wait for confirmation of their progress.

  Avoiding progress report shock

  About four weeks after school starts, your child’s first progress report will arrive in the mail. Of course, you hope the report will be cause for celebration. Inevitably, though, some students (and parents) suffer from progress report shock when they see their grades, because they hadn’t paid attention to exactly how well (or poorly) they were doing. To avoid this anxiety, try a slight shift in thinking: instead of dreading the report, consider looking forward to it as an opportunity to affirm achievement and take action on any challenges it may present. One way to begin t
his shift is to encourage your child to be proactive about monitoring her progress by asking the teacher for an informal progress report every two to three weeks. The following two-minute check-in strategy is a short, structured approach that your child can use for initiating a conversation with any middle school teacher.

  After the first several weeks of school have passed, suggest that your child stop by each of her classes either before or after school with the goal of spending two minutes talking with each teacher about her progress. Here are some sample questions to use during this conversation.

  COACHING TIP

  For adolescents to truly benefit from informal progress reports, they must obtain them without continued prodding from their parents. As soon as a parent starts to demand rather than suggest an informal report, the child no longer owns the reporting or achievement process. Overly eager parents can diminish their child’s interest in school and achievement by trying to take over the learning process, essentially sabotaging their child’s progress toward independence. Rather than assuming responsibility for your child’s success or failures in school, anticipate the sense of fulfillment that comes from watching your child achieve, independently of your effort and influence.

  “Hi, Ms./Mrs./Mr. ________, I just wanted to stop by and ask you about how I’m doing in your class. Is now a good time, or should I come back?”