A Hopeful Heart

by Amy Clipston

Lillian’s lip quivered. “I heard everything, Mamm.”

  “What do you mean?” Hannah took a step toward her, and Lillian stepped backward. “What did you hear?”

  “Everything.” Lillian shook her head. “You want to leave the church and that means we have to move out of our haus.” She gestured around the room. “Where will we live? How can I be the teacher if I don’t have a place to live? If you leave the faith for that Englisher, then I’m going to live with Mammi. I want to be Amish, and I want to be a teacher. I want to get baptized. I have goals for my life, and none of them involve being English. You can’t ruin this for me, Mamm. It’s not fair!”

  “Just calm down. The last thing I want is for my family to be broken up into different homes. You and your siblings are the most important people in my life and that will never change.” Hannah reached for Lillian’s arm, but she pulled back. “I never said I was going to leave the faith. Jonas and Melvin assumed that, but I never said it.”

  “But they heard it from Onkel Josh. You told him you were going to leave!” Her voice was shrill as thunder shook the house. “Onkel Josh loves you, but you told him you love someone else. Right? Isn’t that what happened?” Tears splattered down Lillian’s pink cheeks.

  “What?” Hannah shook her head. “Where did you hear that?”

  “I heard Onkel Josh talking to someone yesterday at Mammi’s. He was really upset. He said he was worried you were going to leave the church. He said Dat’s heart would be broken because you’d break up our family. He’s right, isn’t he? We’re going to lose our haus and the farm.” Lillian sniffed.

  Hannah shook her head. Why was Lillian overreacting? Why was Joshua going around making assumptions and spreading gossip about her life? Why were things getting more and more confusing? It was too much to take in. There was too much pressure. She felt as if her head might explode from another migraine brewing in her temples.

  “Mamm!” Lillian’s voice quaked. “Please answer me. Are we going to lose everything when you marry Mr. Peterson?”

  “Lily, please listen to me.” Hannah took Lillian’s hand in hers. “I never said I’m going to leave the church or marry Trey. I love this community. This is my home. I could never just walk away from everything I love. You’re jumping to conclusions, just like everyone else in this community.”

  “I know what I heard.” Lillian yanked her hand away and brushed away a tear from her cheek. “And I’ve seen how you look at Mr. Peterson. He’s more than your freind. And what about Dat? How could you betray his memory like this? Dat wanted us to be Amish. He wanted us to live here.” She gestured around the house. “This is the haus Dat chose for us. We’re his family. This is where we belong.”

  “Lily, stop. You’re not listening to me. I would never hurt your dat’s memory.”

  Lillian lifted her chin as her scowl deepened. “I think it’s time you admit how you feel and be honest with us. We’re your kinner. We deserve to know the truth.”

  Hannah leveled her eyes at Lillian as frustration boiled within her. “You’re right. You’re my dochder, but you have no right to talk to me this way. I always tell you the truth.”

  “Do you?” Lillian’s eyes narrowed. “Did you really stay home yesterday or did you go out somewhere?”

  Hannah studied her daughter. “What do you mean?”

  “I saw new tire tracks in the driveway when we got home from Mammi’s yesterday. Andrew pointed them out to me.” Lillian gestured toward the window where the rain pounded the glass. “I could tell someone had been here in a car. I know it wasn’t a customer because the farm is closed on Sundays. Did Mr. Peterson come to see you?”

  “I don’t think that’s any of your business, Lillian.”

  “You have been seeing him in secret.” Lillian shook her head. “Onkel Josh is right. We’re going to lose our farm and everything. Where will we live? How will we make a living?”

  “Lily, that’s ridiculous! I only went to church with Trey and had lunch with him. That’s it. We’re freinden. I don’t understand why everyone is jumping to conclusions about all of this.”

  “You’re betraying Dat’s memory by seeing that man.” Lillian shook her head. “It’s wrong to see him.”

  “Stop fighting!” Amanda marched into the room with her hands up. “This is ridiculous!”

  “I can’t just stand here and let Mamm disrespect Dat’s memory by seeing Mr. Peterson.” Lillian’s voice rose over the rumbling thunder. “Our family is falling apart. If Dat were still alive, everything would be normal. We’d be like every other family in this community, and no one would be talking about us behind our backs.”

  Hannah placed her hand on Lillian’s shoulder. “You just need to calm down. I’ve done nothing wrong. We are allowed to have English freinden.”

  “No,” Lillian said through gritted teeth. “I’m not overreacting. I’m only telling the truth. I’m going upstairs.” She disappeared, and Hannah heard her feet stomp up the stairs.

  Amanda touched Hannah’s arm. “She’ll be okay. You know how she overreacts about everything, and then she gets over it.”

  Hannah studied her blond daughter. “Are you upset with me too?”

  Amanda shook her head. “No, I’m okay.”

  “Did you hear my conversation with Jonas and Melvin too?”

  Amanda nodded. “Ya, I did. I hope you’re not upset that Lily and I eavesdropped.”

  Hannah touched Amanda’s prayer covering. “No, I’m not.” She sighed. “I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes I’m so confused about it all.”

  “You’ll figure it out.” Amanda smiled. “You’re mei mamm.”

  Hannah returned the smile. “I wish it were that easy.”

  A knock sounded on the back door.

  “I’ll get it.” Hannah started for the door. “Would you make sure your bruder is getting ready for bed?”

  “Ya.” Amanda hurried up the stairs.

  Hannah opened the back door and found Josh standing on her porch, his clothing, shoes, and hat soaked by the driving rain. “Joshua! What are you doing here?”

  He removed his hat and stepped into the mudroom. “I need to talk to you.”

  Her heart lurched as she thought of her in-laws. “Is everything okay? Did something happen to your parents?”

  He shook his head. “They’re fine. As I said, I just need to talk to you.”

  “Oh.” She thought of her conversation with Melvin and Jonas, and her stomach tightened. Joshua was the catalyst for their visit, and now he was standing in front of her. Perhaps he was here to apologize? She pointed toward the kitchen. “Do you want to come in and sit down? I can get you a towel and make coffee.”

  “No, danki.” He fingered his hat and cleared his throat, and she wondered why he seemed so nervous. “I have something to ask you, and I think it’s time to just come out and say it.”

  Hannah folded her arms over her bib apron and nodded. “Take your time.” She prepared herself for his apology along with a confession.

  “I’ve known you most of my life, Hannah.” His smile was tentative. “I’ve always admired you, and it was difficult when you chose mei bruder over me.”

  Hannah frowned and then opened her mouth to speak.

  “Wait.” He held up his hand. “Please just give me a chance to finish.” He gripped his hat and stared into her eyes. “Hannah, I’ve always loved you, and I’ve been trying to show you just how much I love you. I think I’ve been going about it wrong. So, I’m here to officially ask you to marry me.”

  Hannah gasped. Could this day get any more confusing?

  “So, Hannah.” He took her hand in his. His skin was cold and wet from the rain. “Will you marry me? Will you be my wife and build a life with me?”

  Her eyes filled with tears as a myriad of emotions drenched her. “Joshua, I don’t know what to say.” Her voice trembled. “This is so unexpected.”

  “Please tell me you’ll at least consider it. I can’t bear your rejection.”
His eyes pleaded with her.

  “Joshua, I’m confused.” She pulled her hand away and wiped her eyes. “Jonas Chupp and Melvin Bender were just here to see me.”

  Josh’s hopeful expression fell as all of the color drained from his complexion. “Hannah, I’m so sorry. I should never have talked to them.”

  “I don’t understand why you did.” Hannah shook her head as frustration bubbled through her. “Did you really think you could come here and propose to me after you told Jonas and Melvin that I’m going to leave the community and marry an Englisher?”

  Josh shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Hannah. I was wrong. I wasn’t thinking at all.”

  “Why did you tell them, Joshua? I don’t understand.”

  “I thought maybe Jonas and Melvin would talk some sense into you.” Josh gestured as if grasping for an explanation. “I hoped they would make you see that you belong here with the people who love you, including me.”

  Hannah blew out a breath and tried to sort through her perplexing feelings. She didn’t know where she belonged. Should she be with Joshua and continue living the life she knew? Or should she consider a life with Trey, the man she loved, and risk losing Lillian?

  “Hannah?” His eyes were hopeful. “Would you please forgive me for talking to Jonas and Melvin? I know it was a mistake, a huge mistake, and I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

  She nodded. “I know, Joshua. I know you would never knowingly hurt me.”

  “So, what’s your answer? Will you marry me, Hannah? I’ll give you everything I have. I’ll do my best to build a gut life for us and the kinner. I’ll love you with my whole heart. Please, Hannah. Just give me a chance. You won’t regret it.”

  The sincerity and desperation in Joshua’s eyes tugged at her heart strings. She couldn’t tell him no, even though she wasn’t sure if she would ever say yes.

  “Joshua, I’m really confused right now.” She pressed her hand to her throbbing temple. “My head is pounding at the moment. Let me think about it, okay?”

  “Ya!” His smile was electric, causing his face to glow with excitement. “Please think about it. I’ll be anxiously awaiting your answer.” He slipped his hat onto his head and started for the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He disappeared through the back door.

  TWENTY-TWO

  Hannah closed the door behind Joshua and then leaned back against the cool wood. The evening’s events swirled around her like a tornado and her heart pounded against her rib cage. She’d gone from telling the minister and deacon that she wasn’t going to leave the community to arguing with her daughter, who threatened to move out. She then received a marriage proposal from her brother-in-law. She found herself drowning in all of the baffling emotions. Her pounding headache caused her stomach to sour.

  Hannah needed her mind off her headache and the emotions battling within her. She looked toward the counter and found where Lillian had started making a shopping list. She rummaged through the cabinets, refrigerator, and freezer and tried her best to concentrate on what she needed to buy during her next trip to the market. Her thoughts, however, were focused only on Joshua’s proposal and Lillian’s threat to leave.

  She leaned against the counter and cradled her pounding head with her hands. She couldn’t help wondering if she should marry Joshua to save her family. The solution made sense. After all, she and Joshua were close friends, and they ran a business together. He loved her children, and they loved him. Yet she couldn’t see herself happy with him. When she closed her eyes and imagined herself as Joshua’s wife, her shoulders tightened. Her heart didn’t warm at the idea of living as his wife. There was no spark, no attraction. He was only Joshua, her good friend. She wondered if he was correct and she would eventually learn to love him for the sake of her children. But how could she fall deeply in love with someone who didn’t warm her heart?

  She pushed the frustrating thoughts away and stared down at her shopping list. The sound of tires crunching on the rocks outside followed by headlights flashing on the kitchen wall drew her attention toward the window. She looked out the window and spotted Trey climbing from his car.

  Her heart thumped in her chest as she rushed toward the back door and opened it.

  “Good evening.” Trey stepped up onto the porch and smiled at her. He looked handsome in a blue collared shirt and khaki trousers.

  “Trey.” She rushed out to him and embraced him. “It’s so good to see you.” His arms were strong and comforting. The embrace he returned was the perfect therapy for her pounding headache and anxiety.

  “It’s good to see you too.” He rested his cheek on her head while he held her. “How are you?”

  Hannah stepped back from his embrace and shook her head. “It’s been a stressful evening.”

  Trey’s eyes regarded her with empathy. “I’m sorry. What happened?”

  Hannah told him about her visit with the minister and deacon and then shared her argument with Lillian. “I feel like everyone is making my decisions for me. I’m tired of the pressure.” She lowered herself onto a bench, and he sat beside her.

  “I’m sorry for causing all of this stress in your life.” Trey sighed and shook his head. “I had no idea things would be this bad for you.” He studied her. “Do the Amish believe in chastising their members to convince them to follow their rules?”

  “No, it’s not that. We believe in encouraging our members to follow the right path. We live a simple life focused on God and family. If a member strays, we encourage that member to come back to the fold. They’re only doing what they believe is right for me.”

  He frowned. “It seems more like bullying to me.”

  “No, it’s not really bullying. Jonas and Melvin are trying to remind me of our beliefs.” She sighed as she thought of Lillian. “I’m just so upset about Lily. I don’t want to lose her.”

  He covered her hand with his. “I don’t want you to lose her either, and I don’t want to be the reason your family falls apart.”

  “I know.” She leaned her head against his arm and felt the tension loosen in her shoulders and neck. She wondered why it was so easy for her to relax and open up to Trey. She could never share her feelings with Joshua as easily as she shared them with Trey. She thought of Joshua’s proposal and almost told Trey about it. She felt, however, that she should keep that conversation to herself for now.

  “Maybe I should stay away if I’m causing too much stress for your family.” His voice was unsure.

  Hannah shook her head and looked up at his worried eyes. “No. I don’t want you to stay away. I’ll figure this all out. I can’t give you up that easily.”

  “Good.” He leaned down and kissed her head. “I’m glad to hear that.”

  Hannah peered up at the sky and found that the rain had stopped and the clouds were breaking up.

  Hannah’s gaze cut to Trey. “Thank you for listening.”

  Trey smiled. “I’m always happy to listen to you.”

  “I never got to ask you why you came over tonight. Was this just an impromptu visit, or did you have a purpose?”

  “I actually got some good news today.” He angled his body toward her. “The house was appraised Friday, and I finally found out the results. The bank was happy with the appraisal. It looks like I’m going to close at the beginning of July.”

  “Wow!” Hannah clapped her hands. “That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you.”

  “I thought about trying to reach you by phone, but then I decided I’d rather tell you in person.” He shrugged. “Any reason to see you is a good reason, in my opinion.”

  She smiled at him, and warmth filled her. “I enjoy seeing you in person too.”

  “Would you like to take a ride out to see the house tomorrow? We didn’t get a chance to walk the property. I’d love to show you the pond and maybe get your thoughts on where I could put a garden.” He pointed toward her garden by the porch where vegetables stretched up toward the sky. “It’s obvious you know a lot ab
out gardening.”

  “Ya, I’d like to see the house. Can you come get me around nine?”

  “Absolutely. I’ll be here at nine.”

  Hannah looked toward the door leading to the kitchen. “I better go check on my children. Thank you again. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.”

  “I can’t wait either. Have a good night, Hannah.”

  “You too.” Hannah stepped into the mudroom. She smiled as she remembered the warmth of Trey’s arms. Being with Trey felt natural and right. She’d never experienced that when she’d considered marrying Joshua. If Trey proposed to her, she would strongly consider saying yes. But how could she fathom leaving the community she loved so much? And, most importantly, how could she risk losing Lillian, her precious daughter?

  Trey watched as Hannah walked toward the back door. She turned back and waved, and his heart swelled with love for her. He lingered for a moment until she disappeared into the house.

  He climbed into his car and navigated toward the main road. He contemplated his conversation with Hannah while he drove. Instead of going to the hotel, he absently steered into the church parking lot as if a magnetic force were pulling him there. He made his way into the empty sanctuary and sat in the front pew. He stared up at the cross while all of the emotions from the day churned within him.

  “Lord,” he whispered, while bowing his head and folding his hands together. “I’m so confused. My love for Hannah feels pure, and I’m certain it is a gift from you. But my love is wreaking havoc on her family and her life. Yet at the same time, Hannah told me that she can’t give me up that easily. How can a gift so wonderful be wrong if it came from you?” He paused and wiped a tear from his eye. “Please tell me what I should do, Lord. Should I pursue my relationship with Hannah or walk away with a broken heart? Please lead me on the correct path, Lord. I ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

  Trey looked up and stared at the cross as calmness filled his heart. “Thank you,” he whispered with a smile.

  Andrew stared up at his mother as she leaned over his bed later that evening. “I heard you and Lily arguing earlier.”