Even When It's Wrong

by Nicole Jackson

  ******

  “I'm not in love. It’s just some kind of thing I'm goin’ through, goin' through, goin' through...” Mary J. blasted from the wireless speaker, while I soaked in Flame’s huge bathtub.

  “I'm missin’ you like crazy. Body and soul is achin'. I'm out of control. Missing you so…”

  The song had the perfect timing, as I sat in the tub, feeling emotional. I was still trying to accept that fact that I’d given myself to another dude. I knew that me and Omari weren’t married or anything, but a title couldn’t have made us closer. I felt this connection with him that I’d never felt with another human being before, and now it had been tainted.

  Having sex with Flame had changed nothing for me. I was still hopelessly in love with a no-good ass nigga that I couldn’t stop thinking about. It was killing me to be without him, and I felt so guilty for laying down with another man, while pregnant with his baby. Now, I felt dirty and stupid, as I pined after somebody who probably meant me no earthly good. I swear, I’d never wanted to stop feeling so badly.

  “Why would he do this to me,” my bottom lip quivered, as I tried desperately to no avail to stop the tears. I was fucking tired of crying. “Uhhh!” I shouted, knowing that I was home alone. “Why can’t I just let this nigga go?!”

  My head fell back, as the back of my hair got wet. I was crying for the sake of crying, seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. I was so afraid of the future, and what the coming weeks had in store for me. I didn’t know if I was coming or going, and was wishing that I could go to sleep and all the bullshit was just go away. I needed a damn do-over.

  Omari

  “Damn, boy, who are you texting?”

  I lifted my head, locking eyes with Senora. We were in the studio alone, while I waited on Amir’s slow ass to show up. “Huh? What you say?”

  She smirked, as she sat on top of a table. “I asked who were you texting, because you been doing that all day. Then the whole while you have this serious ass look on your face.”

  I shrugged, before focusing on my phone again. “Shit, it’s a serious matter.”

  “Yeah? Like what?” she pried.

  I looked up at her again. “Why you so nosy? Matter of fact, why didn’t you leave with Melo?”

  She frowned. “Damn, it’s like that?”

  “I’m just saying. You already gave us a rundown on the shows we got ahead, but you lingering around, fucking with me.”

  “Well, don’t bite my head off.”

  I sighed heavily. “My bad, man. I’m just going through some shit, and I’m taking it out on you. That aint what’s up.”

  She nodded, while folding her arms under her breasts. “What are you going through, Omari, if you don’t mind me asking.”

  I shook my head. “None of your business, Senora.”

  “Oh, I recognize that tone anywhere. This sounds like woman trouble.”

  “You know me so well, huh?”

  “I never said all that, but for you not to want to talk about it, I figured that it’s the one area that men are reluctant to show emotion in. So, what is it? Is your little baby mama tripping?”

  “My little baby mama?” I frowned.

  “Yeah, you know. Ole girl.”

  I licked my lips. “I’m saying, I don’t know why you asking. We both know that you don’t care about what happens between me and her.”

  “I’m curious at the least. Besides, you never know. I can probably offer some insight.”

  “Maybe.” I nodded. “Okay, look, it’s like this. My gal’s friend,” I offered, making sure to address Mya as my woman. I didn’t like how that baby mama shit sounded. She wasn’t just my damn baby’s mama. “This lil’ hoe from around the way be coming to the crib. She pops up while my gal aint home, claiming that she was told by my gal to come over. Anyway, we sit there and get high together. She starts expressing the fact that she’s been digging a nigga. I brush her off. Then I fell asleep. I wake to her sucking me up, right before my gal walks in, catching it. She thinks that I allowed the shit to go down, so she leaves a nigga.”

  She arched both brows. “Now that’s some crazy shit.”

  “Who you telling?” I grumbled.

  She scratched the top of her forehead. “I don’t mean to sound crass, but have you considered that everything happens for a reason?”

  “I hear you, but I’m struggling to find the meaning in this shit.”

  “Well, I know that you’ve expressed before that she was beginning to act like she couldn’t adjust to your new lifestyle. That within itself aint cool, because the only way that’ll change is if you fall off, and nobody’s fucking with your music, anymore. So, yall’s problems were just beginning. You were going to have a lot of days filled with arguments if she couldn’t handle what pays the bills. She just doesn’t seem to be solid, and ready for what you have going on. Yall were more than likely gonna grow apart.”

  “She aint solid? Nah, I don’t know about that one.”

  “Her mindset is what I’m talking about. There was no way in hell that I would’ve allowed some bitch to come along, and run me out of my own home. You are a rapper on the rise. Everybody with a lick of common sense knows how that world is, so even if you allowed the girl to suck your dick, it is what it is. As long as you was making sure that I was straight, I’d dust that shit off. If anything, she was supposed to beat that bitch’s ass, and check you. But let the next nothing ass hoe break yall up? Nah. That clearly is a indication that she was gonna fold under pressure. She aint on solid ground, ready to deal with all the shit that will come yall way,” she clamored, standing up. “I keep telling you. That’s why you need a bitch like me.” she sauntered over to me.

  My head fell back. “There you go with that shit. I thought that you had let this shit go. I keep telling you that I can’t mix business with pleasure.”

  She posed in front of me in a short ass dress. “Omari, look at me. Am I not attractive to you?”

  I gulped. “I never said that you wasn’t.”

  “So, what’s the problem?” she questioned, straddling me in the chair. “Huh?” she rubbed her pussy on me. “I really think you scared of me. You been fucking with that little girl, but you need some grown women shit in your life. Let me fuck you properly, and show you how solid I can be.”

  I tucked my lips into my mouth, as I gripped her hips. Senora’s yellow ass was indeed fine as fuck, but we were getting money together, and I didn’t want to fuck that up. Still, I thought about what she’d just said. Several people questioned if me and Mya would be able to weather all the storms that lied ahead. Sometimes I was left wondering myself. Then I also contemplated on how it would feel to have a chick who was a little more secure within herself, or at least understanding of what I had going on. Maybe Mya wasn’t solid. Or maybe…hell, nah. The same bitch that hid a FEDS case in her backpack with no hesitation for me, wasn’t solid? Nah. Truthfully, having somebody that will put up with anything I do, because of some rap shit is crazy. Undoubtedly, their loyalty would be contingent upon their need for me, and when I could no longer provide those things, I’d probably lose that person. Mya’s unwillingness to accept my bullshit wasn’t a sign of her weakness. Her not wanting to share me was a testimony of her love. If she couldn’t fully have that, then she wanted nothing from me. And I didn’t want it any different. Fuck some watered down, artificial, conditional shit.

  Tightening my grip on Senora’s hips, I locked eyes with her. “Look, man. I really like getting money with you. And you cool and all. But I’ma need you to get the fuck outta my lap.”

  Chapter 32

  Mya

  “I can’t believe that I’m hearing from you.”

  “Girl, stop it,” I giggled.

  Taraj breathed into the phone. “I’m serious. I been calling your ass for weeks.”

  I sighed. “I know. I know. I just really needed a break. I didn’t talk to anybody.”

  “Uh huh. Except for that nigga your ass over there layin
g up with.”

  “What nigga?” I played crazy.

  “Hoe, you know. You aint gotta front for me. If Omari can’t find you nowhere, and you aint even with your own cousins, then I know something.”

  “He’s been looking everywhere?”

  “Duh. What you think? That man is about to lose his mind. I feel sorry for him.”

  “You feel sorry for him? Damn, what about me?”

  “Shit, you straight over there with ole Flamboyant,” she quipped.

  “Wait, Flamboyant?” I roared with laughter. “Bitch, why you play so much?”

  “I aint playing. I’m serious. He’s fucking up a happy home, so I can’t get with it.”

  “It couldn’t have been too happy, if my nigga was letting my so-called friend suck his dick.”

  Taraj sucked her teeth. “That’s what you say happened. Ion know that to be true.”

  “So, you saying that I’m lying?” I grew indignant.

  “No. I didn’t say that. But Omari told us what happened. Several times. And his story never changes. He seems so sincere. Besides, I know what it feels like to be in his shoes. I had a similar situation happen to me.”

  “What Taz do?”

  “It wasn’t Taz. Taz’s brother tried to take some pussy one day, and Taz walked in while he was on top of me. Then the nigga flipped the script, claiming that I was giving it up. At the time, Taz could only rely on what his eyes had told him, so he went off. So, all I’m saying is, I know how conniving people can be. Especially if you have something they want. And beyond all that, you have to think about what’s in your man’s character. Have you ever thought about him fucking your friends? Have he ever given any signs that he gets down like that?”

  “Taraj,” I breathed. “It’s a lot of shit you don’t know about Omari. I mean, I love the nigga, but I honestly don’t know what he will or won’t do. That’s a problem within itself.”

  “Well, that’s fucked up,” she mumbled. “But are you prepared to completely move on? Are you really done?”

  I hesitated, as I thought it over. “I honestly don’t know.”

  “Okay, then you need to go home. You can have that baby any day now, and you need to face him. Hell, he aint going nowhere. Yall about to have a baby together, and that boy is gonna fuck around and kill your ass if you over there laying up with Flamboyant. Where he at, anyway?”

  I laughed. “You won’t let up, huh? But nah, Ion know where that nigga at. He got all types of shit going on, and Ion want no parts of it.”

  “Like what?”

  “Girl,” I trailed off, as I thought about Flame. He was talking all this shit about beginning something with me, when it was clear that he had unresolved shit going on with his BM. They would sit on the phone and argue for hours. Hell, I think that he even left here one night, after talking to her peacefully. I believe that he crept off with her somewhere. Then the night before, he came in spooking the shit out of me. His voice was a little shaky, as he told me that if anybody asks, he was at his mama’s house earlier. It sounded like he was establishing a damn alibi, as he paced the floor for half the night. “Let’s just say that he got some shit with him.”

  “And that’s why you need to take your ass home,” she persisted.

  “Now, see, you sounding like Cavalli. That’s why I don’t call her ass. You sounding like Omari’s cheerleader. How much is he paying yall?”

  “If I’m not the only one saying this, then that should tell you something. I’m not telling you to forgive what happened overnight. All I’m saying is that I’ve learned enough about you to know that you aint got no business over there with Flamboyant. Have you thought about what happens after you have the baby?”

  “Uhh,” I groaned, clutching my back, as I sat up in bed.

  “Hello?”

  “Yeah,” I struggled to get out.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “My…my…ouch!” I blurted, as I felt a sharp pain roll from my hips to my back.

  “Hello, Mya, what’s wrong?!”

  “I…I…I think I just had a contraction.”

  “Bitch, stop playing.”

  “I’m not,” I sobbed. “I’m here by myself, and my back is killing meeee.”

  “Where is ole boy?” she questioned.

  “I…I don’t know. He…he left earlier.”

  “Okay, calm down. It might just be Braxton Hicks.”

  Being that I’d read up on any and everything pregnancy related, I knew exactly what she was talking about, but was doubtful that this was that. I was a week shy of my due date, which meant that I was already full-term. I’d had my share of Braxton Hicks, and none had been this painful. I was about to express this sentiment to her, when I felt myself pissing involuntarily.

  “Oh shit!”

  “What? What’s going on?” Taraj quizzed anxiously.

  “I think my water just broke.”

  “Seriously? Well, you need to get to the hospital.”

  “I know,” I whimpered, holding my back. “I just hope that Flame answers the phone, because sometimes he’s out of reach while he’s gone.”

  “Fuck all that. Where he stay at?”

  “On West Alabama.”

  “Bitch, so you mean to tell me that you’ve been up the street from your house all this time?”

  “Yeah,” I huffed.

  “That shit is crazy,” she mumbled. “Well, text me the address. We’re on the way.”

  Omari

  “So, you having my baby. And it means so much to me. It’s nothing more precious than to raise a family. If there’s any doubt in your mind, you can count on me. I’ll never let you down. Lady believe in me…”

  “Man, I knew that I should’ve drove my own car. The fuck are you listening to?” Kells groaned.

  I cut my eyes at him, while I gripped the steering wheel. “Act like you’on know about Jodeci, nigga.”

  “Yeah, that’s some shit my T-Lady would listen to. The fuck you know about it?” he chuckled. “This shit was before our time.”

  “Fuck, I know plenty.”

  “Let you tell it. You still in your feelings, I see. You still haven’t talked to her?”

  I shook my head. “I talked to her the other day for a little while, but Ion know what the fuck is going on. The baby is due next week. I’m praying that she brings her ass home before then.”

  Kells nodded. “Yeah, but what if she don’t?”

  I flexed the muscles in my jaw. “Then I’d have to find her ass, and…man, I don’t even want my mind to go there. If she try to keep my baby away from me, Ion know what I’d do. And she don’t want that in her life.”

  “But it could happen, man. I just want you to be honest with yourself. You keep talking all this when she come back shit. You never seem to consider the alternatives. This might be it for yall.”

  I waved him off. “Nigga, I aint trying to hear that.”

  He howled with laughter. “That nigga say don’t be wishing that shit on me. My baby coming back to me. Fuck what you saying.”

  “Whatever,” I griped, as my phone rang. Glancing down at the screen, I narrowed my eyes. “Taraj? The fuck she want?” I grumbled, before picking up. “Hello.”

  “Hey, Omari, this is Taraj.”

  “Yeah, I know. What’s up?”

  “Well, I got Taz right here with me,” she announced.

  “What’s up, my nig?” I heard Taz in the background, indicating that she had me on speaker.

  “What’s up with it?” I replied.

  “Shit, I can’t call it,” Taz answered.

  “Yeah, anyway, Taz convinced me to call you, because I was gonna stay out of this,” Taraj spoke up.

  “Stay out of what?” I wanted to know.

  “We had to rush down the street to pick Mya up. She’s in labor, and we brought her to Hermann. I know that she didn’t want you to know, but Taz said that you had the right to see your baby being born. So, I’m going against her wishes. She’s already up h
ere in a room. We up here with her. Now whatever you do with this information is on you.”

  “Man,” I stressed. “Appreciate you, Taz. I owe you like a muthafucka.”

  “Aint nothing, my nigga. I’d want any man to do the same thing for me. You feel me?”

  “I feel you, and I’m on my way ASAP.” I ended the call.

  “You on the way where, nigga? Melo said that yall got them producers waiting on you at the studio, or did you forget?” Kells chided.

  “Shit, you gonna have to call somebody to pick you up from the hospital, because that’s where I’m headed.”

  “The hospital? She about to have the baby?”

  “Hell, yeah.”

  “Oh, shit, well I’m going too.” He rubbed his hands together. “I can probably get a lil’ peek of that pussy or something.”

  I shook my head. “You my boy, and all, nigga, but don’t make me pop your ass. Real muthafuckin’ talk.”

  Once again, he thought that shit was funny, but I wasn’t laughing. Still, I let him make it. I was about to have a son, and see my girl. Nothing else mattered.

  Mya

  I was attempting to control my breathing, as I looked around the hospital room, while listening to my baby’s movements on some kind of machine. Since my water had broken, I could feel everything, and his ass seemed to be dancing in my belly.

  Keeping it real, I was scared as fuck. I never imagined having my first baby like this. I didn’t know what I was doing with myself beyond the next day or so, which wasn’t good, considering I’d be bringing a baby into the confusion.

  Glancing to my left, I noticed that Taraj and her baby were both leaning against Taz, as they all sat on the pull-out couch, sleeping. She was getting cozy, as she rested her head on his chest, snoring lightly, while she drooled on his shirt. He seemed to be alright with it, as he had his arms wrapped tightly around her. The sight was cute, and made me long for something similar, although I wasn’t sure if a family unit was in the stars for me.

  “He didn’t come out already, did he?”

  My head snapped around at the sound of that voice. I frowned, as I watched Omari waltz through the door with Kells right behind him.