You Could Do Something Amazing with Your Life [You Are Raoul Moat]

by Andrew Hankinson

  …

  A dog comes through the bushes. It looks at you. It doesn’t bark. You stay still. It goes away.

  …

  You go to the stream and drink. You splash your face.

  …

  You lie in a patch of heather and dry in the sunshine.

  …

  You go to your new hiding spot.

  …

  You still have these nightmares where you’re seven years old and chased by monsters. You’re not well. Your mum wasn’t well. She used to say weird things, and your gran [who you lived with when you were little], she said your mum wasn’t well. You loved your gran though. She was the most important person in the world to you. Her and Sam. But when your mum married Brian, that’s when you and Angus had to leave gran’s and move in with them, and it was like butter wouldn’t melt with Brian [your mum told a reporter that you hated Brian; Angus got on with him]. And since then you’ve talked to your mum probably once in the last fifteen years and it was most unpleasant, which is why you’re massively estranged from your family, though your cousin did get in touch not long ago saying she’d been asked by your Auntie Barbara [your mum’s sister] to find you and Angus, and it was quite touching to be honest [it made you cry]. There was you thinking nobody wanted anything to do with you, but shortly after that, Barbara died, and your mum didn’t even go to the funeral, her own sister, so think about that. But you went, and when you were there you showed them photos of the kids and stuff, and told them about the business. Even that was a problem for the council though, because you called them up and said you couldn’t make a meeting because of the funeral. You just wanted to check it wouldn’t jeopardise the deal. What it was is, you’d made this deal that you’d turn up for five meetings on time without missing one, because they had a bee in their bonnet about you being late. So you said to her on the phone that there was this funeral coming up, and you’d never had anything to do with your English family for twenty years and didn’t think you’d be welcome after cutting them off for a lot of reasons, but this side of the family still wanted you to go, and you did get on with these particular members, but the thing is, it’s not part of your culture to show huge disrespect by watching someone get chucked in the ground then shooting off, so you needed to go for a decent amount of time, which is why you told this woman how you couldn’t make the session, but also you didn’t want to jeopardise this deal, and suddenly she was saying it was beyond her jurisdiction [your word] to make a deal like that [on a recording, made by you, a social worker does set you a target of attending five meetings without being late or cancelling, but the reward for achieving that target isn’t clarified] and what you realised was, this was all just part of the Get Raoul Moat brigade. It’s why you started using the tapes, so you could pull them, and they hated you using the tapes. When you told them you were recording everything they started going on about their human rights. What about your human rights? You should have taken all the recordings to the press and blown them away, but it was typical of the way they carried on, never giving you any light at the end of the tunnel.

  [There is no evidence that the council did anything wrong.]

  …

  You walk along the riverbank in Rothbury. The main street is a hundred metres away. You eat peppers and tomatoes from an allotment. You hide behind a wall. People see you.

  …

  You walk along a street in Rothbury. People see you.

  …

  You hide.

  …

  Gran’s probably looking down wishing you’d stop all this, and being honest, you do miss her. She was special to you, with her tiny hands and feet, looking after you, even when you moved in with Brian and your mum, she’d still look after you, living round the corner, and you used to go over and help her out, and she’d give you dinner, things like that, but she wasn’t half frail, deaf as a plank by then too. She used to turn her TV up so loud that the neighbours would complain about migraines and daft things like that, knocking on the door of this poor old deaf lady. They even called the cops one time, but when the cops got there they said the volume on the TV was fine and they just gave the neighbours a bollocking for wasting police time. They even started knocking on the wall when you went round to do the hoovering one time, so you just picked the hoover up and hoovered the wall, probably did that for ten minutes, which drove the point home, you know, ha ha. Anyway, she got so frail she couldn’t even turn on the microwave, so she got put in a home and you’d visit her there too, but she died. To all intents your gran raised you. She used to keep track of immunisations and things like that, take you all over for days out. One time, and you remember this clearly, she took you and Angus to Tynemouth and you found these inner tubes from a car on the beach so you went out to sea on them, miles out, and Gran was back on the beach, going off it, shouting about calling the coastguard. Looking back, it was dangerous, to be fair, a bit scary for her probably, because if the tide had been going out you would have been knackered. But you just jumped off and swam back and climbed up these rusty ladders. You and Angus were both good swimmers. Some people didn’t like Gran, but that was just because she was honest, like you are. If she found anything wrong with you she’d tell you, and even though she was tiny, she wouldn’t be stepped on, not by anybody. Some people called her a man-hater, and fair enough, she didn’t like a lot of men very much, but she doted on you and Angus. It was just independence really, because there was never a man around. Your granddad wasn’t around, though you’re named after him [he was called Thomas Hall Moat and Thomas is your middle name]. Nobody talked about him. You’ve only ever seen pictures of him in a photo album made from giraffe hide from World War Two. He was a champion boxer in the army in North Africa, and after the war him and Gran moved to Canada with your mum and aunties, but your gran thought he was dangerous, because one time she was stood on the edge of a cliff with him and she thought he was going to push her off, so she packed her bags and came back to Newcastle with the girls. Nobody ever heard from him again.

  …

  There’s a fighter jet flying over.

  …

  You eat a mouse, but you might be dreaming.

  [FRIDAY JULY 9, 2010]

  YOU WILL DIE TODAY

  You crawl out of base camp.

  …

  It’s 10.30am. You walk along the riverbank, past the nice houses that overlook the river in Rothbury. People see you.

  …

  You wash in the river.

  …

  You hide.

  …

  A helicopter flies overhead.

  …

  A jet flies overhead.

  …

  You want this to be over.

  …

  You hide.

  …

  [Nobody really knows how you spent your time while on the run.]

  …

  It’s 7pm. You walk past the nice houses overlooking the river again and there’s a man and a woman walking across the stepping-stones so you stand behind a tree. You watch them. The woman looks at you. She nods and you look at her, but you don’t respond.

  DROP YOUR WEAPON!!!

  The shout comes from behind.

  You turn around.

  It’s over.

  There’s a cop with his face pressed to the sight of his gun, and he’s got a helmet on and body armour on and his gun pointing at you, and if you point your gun at them now it’s over.

  …

  …

  You point your gun at your right temple and shout,

  Shoot me fucking shoot me.

  He’s saying put your weapon down, put your weapon down, but you don’t, and you start walking to your left, toward the little fence, and he’s following you and saying stand still, stand still.

  You stand still.

  He shouts,

&nb
sp; Get down on the floor.

  You kneel on the grass.

  He shouts,

  Think of the girls.

  You tell him the police have had everything off you. They wouldn’t leave you alone. And he says they don’t know you, they’re not from here, they’re from Yorkshire, and you tell him you can hear their accents, and you calm down, and your voice gets quieter.

  You lie on your stomach.

  Your baseball cap is pulled low.

  You keep the gun pointed at your head. The river is behind you, and the police are in front of you. More police keep arriving. More guns keep pointing at you. A car to the left has police around it, cars to the right have police around them, and there’s probably some behind you for an ambush, there’ll have to be an ambush, and you’ll shoot yourself when the ambush comes, so you wait.

  …

  The negotiators arrive. They come to the edge of the grass, to where the first officers are standing. They crouch behind ballistic shields. They don’t have helmets. You can see their hands and heads over the top of the shields. One of them shouts,

  Raoul, my name’s , alright. I’m here to help you. Nobody is going to hurt you while you’re talking to me, right.

  You listen. He keeps talking,

  The most important thing is that we don’t want you to hurt yourself either. Can you hear me alright?

  He carries on,

  Right, Raoul, you have got a future. You have got a future.

  You’re lying.

  He shouts back,

  What, sorry, Raoul? I’m not lying to you, Raoul. I’m not lying to you. Do you want me to tell you how you’ve got a future, Raoul?

  You tell him you can’t do the jail. He says,

  Raoul, Raoul, in twenty years’ time you’ll still only be fifty-seven, Raoul. You’re still a young man. You’re a fit man.

  He says this is your chance to tell the world what happened, so you should put the gun down and talk to him.

  You won’t.

  He says there’ll be an independent investigation and they’ll look at everything that’s happened.

  Too late for that.

  He says it’s not too late.

  You tell him nobody cares about you, and he says everybody cares about you, he cares about you, these officers care about you, your daughters care about you, but the helicopter’s too loud to hear properly, so you tell him to come closer, and he says,

  Raoul, Raoul, I will come closer, and listen to me when I say this because this is very, very, very important. I will come closer if you put that gun down, alright?

  But you won’t, and he stays where he is and talks about your kids.

  I haven’t gained their respect.

  He can’t hear you, so he says they’ll move forward, and they move forward, and he thanks you. He says you need to come in so you can tell your daughters what happened. He asks how long you were in jail and you tell him. You talk about jail and your daughters.

  …

  …

  There’s someone behind you.

  …

  He says there’s nobody behind you.

  There is. You can hear them.

  There’s nobody behind you, Raoul.

  There is. You can hear them. They’re in the bush.

  Raoul, there’s nobody in the bush.

  There’s definitely somebody in the bush now.

  Raoul, listen to me — nobody will hurt you while you’re talking to me. As long as we’re talking to each other, you will not be hurt.

  Definitely someone behind me.

  Raoul, there is nobody.

  I can see people from behind.

  And he keeps telling you there’s nobody there, just a river.

  I can hear them.

  He says it might be the birds in the trees.

  It’s not the birds.

  He says nobody’s going to hurt you and asks if you believe him.

  No, I don’t.

  He says he wouldn’t be here if they were going to hurt you.

  You answer him [most of your answers aren’t recorded as the negotiator’s dictaphone is too far away from you]. He says,

  Raoul, I know that you’re a logical thinker, you’re an intelligent man. I’ve seen that from your letters.

  …

  He stops talking.

  …

  He starts again,

  Raoul, what you can hear is a group of kids in the field. I’ve just seen them. There’s one with a stripy top on. They’re in a garden at the back. Can you hear the kids shouting? That’s what you can hear, Raoul. I’ve just looked up and seen them. That’s what you can hear. Okay, Raoul? That’s what you can hear. It doesn’t sound like a man’s voice, does it? It sounds like kids. Listen to the voices. It’s kids. That’s all it is, Raoul. That’s what you can hear. Now listen, I apologise for not hearing that, and not seeing that, and you did. Now I’m sorry for that. Listen to me, Raoul, ignore them. Ignore them. You’re the most important thing.

  He asks if you still trust him. You answer.

  He says they’re moving the kids away.

  …

  He says he knows you’re intelligent and articulate and that you’re not an idiot. He says he knows you think everything through. He says he wants you to tell him about the real Raoul Moat.

  You answer.

  He can’t hear. He asks you to lift your head. You shout,

  Sam and the kids.

  Sam and the kids?

  All I care about.

  You tell him you tried to be a good dad, but the police bullied you. He says it’ll all come out in the inquiry.

  You tell him you’ve provided for Sam. He says you’re right.

  I couldn’t do it any other way.

  He says you need to be a dad.

  It’s too late for that.

  …

  He asks about the conviction and Mr Trimmit.

  You keep answering. He says you don’t know the future.

  I do.

  He asks what you want to be.

  A normal guy.

  You are a normal guy, Raoul.

  I’m not.

  …

  Raoul, please can you do me another favour, when you move about with that, please be careful with that gun, will you?

  …

  You hear something again.

  He says they’ll close the path off so nobody else can get behind there. He asks you to put the gun down.

  I’m not putting it down.

  …

  He talks about your kids and the future and says you shouldn’t jeopardise that.

  It’s already gone.

  It hasn’t.

  Nobody can tell me what’s the matter with me.

  …

  You tell him nobody gave you a chance. He says,

  Raoul, Raoul, Raoul, look at me. Raoul, look at me. I’m giving you that chance now. I’m giving you that escape route.

  It’s too late for that.

  Raoul, tomorrow is a new day.

  It’s not.

  …

  He says all police aren’t the same, just like everybody in the legal system isn’t the same, and just like everybody in the council isn’t the same. There’s good and bad in everything.

  I know that.

  He says the girls need you.

  You know I’m not coming in.

  He asks if you want to live to tell the girls how the world works.

  No, I don’t.

  He asks if you planned it to be like this.

  No, I didn’t plan it to be like this.

  He says this isn’t the end, it’s the beginning,

  The moment you put that gun down and walk over here to be with me, it�
��s a new start for you. Listen, the hardest part of this, the hardest part of this is making that first step now, Raoul.

  Do you know what the hardest part of this has been?

  What?

  I miss her.

  You miss Sam?

  Yeah.

  I don’t doubt for one minute that you miss Sam, and I know that you love her deeply.

  Which is why I can’t come in.

  Of course you can.

  I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

  …

  Your head drops. He asks you to look up.