You Could Do Something Amazing with Your Life [You Are Raoul Moat]
Page 11
…
He says he’s read your letters. He says you’re a dignified man.
…
He asks if you’ll move the gun a tiny bit away from your head.
No.
…
He asks if you’re thirsty.
Very.
He asks if you want something to eat. You do.
He asks what kind of sandwich you’d like.
Anything.
Anything?
Anything, anything.
He says he’ll try to get food, but you’re holding a shotgun.
I won’t hurt anyone.
He believes you. He’s not sure how to get a sandwich to you.
Chuck it at me.
Chuck it at you?
Yeah.
He says they’ll try, but he can’t promise.
…
He says all police aren’t the same and you answer him [your answer isn’t recorded by the dictaphone]. He says,
You see, Raoul. You don’t. You’ve decided, you’ve made that decision, because you’re an educated man, that enough people have been hurt. I know what you said before, that all you wanted was a straightener for this lad, but you do know he wasn’t a police officer, don’t you?
Is that the truth?
Raoul, that is the truth.
You tell him the police made the guy out to be a hero, but he says they didn’t make anyone out to be heroes. He tells you,
Raoul, he was a karate instructor. He was a karate instructor.
Is that all he was? Awwww.
Yes, listen, Raoul, look at me. Look at me, Raoul, Raoul, Raoul.
You don’t respond.
...
He says,
Raoul, mistakes happen. You acted on the information that you were given by somebody who you love.
He says it’s not your fault.
You say you don’t understand why she did it.
He says it’s not your fault.
He asks you to put the gun down.
I’m not coming in. Seriously, listen, I’m not coming in.
…
You tell him you don’t understand why she lied. He says,
Raoul, Raoul, Raoul.
You talk about Sam.
…
You want to sit up. He says you can. He asks about the safety.
It’s off.
The safety’s off?
The safety’s off.
You start sitting up. He wants you to keep talking, keep facing him, be careful, get comfortable. You sit on your bum.
…
You talk about Sam and compensation, and what’s been in the papers, and the violence. There’s no point in coming in.
He says you’re back to the beginning. He says you should come in and have a bite to eat, get something to drink, have a shower, a shave, get a change of clothes, so the real Raoul Moat can appear.
You respond, and he asks what brought you here to this riverbank.
I’d just had enough.
…
He says in ten years, twenty years, thirty years, you could meet someone else, not another Sam, there’s only one Sam, but someone.
You tell him she was the one. He says everyone gets a second or third or fourth or fifth chance to find their happiness.
I don’t want to find anybody else.
You don’t want to?
No.
…
He says things will change, starting when you put the gun down.
I cannot do the jail.
He says you’ll have support.
You talk about your kids.
You talk about Sam.
You ask again,
Was he not in the police?
He swears it’s the truth. He says you’ve been misled. You tell him it’ll be covered up again. He says it won’t.
I cannot spend the rest of my life in jail.
He says,
You’ll not be. I don’t know what sentence you’ll get for what’s happened, Raoul, be a long one, not going to lie to you. It’ll be a long sentence, but you haven’t got a lot of previous, have you?
No, that was my only one.
Exactly.
But you tell him you’ll get a maximum sentence because you shot a police officer.
He says he doesn’t know what you’ll get, but it’s not as dark as you might be thinking. There is a future. Put the gun down.
You don’t.
…
You ask if a psychologist has been involved. He says there has been, and what the psychologist said was that you’re educated and have strong morals and you respect people, and you’re not nuts.
I’ve got to be nuts for doing this.
He says you’re not, you’re not.
You tell him you’ve been like this for a month. He says it’s the stress. You tell him they gave you drugs in jail and it made you numb, but they’ve worn off now and you’ve settled down.
I’m not coming in.
He says he can see you’ve settled down, but can you put the gun on your knee? You won’t. He says nobody will rugby-tackle you.
If I put it down you will hit me in the shoulder.
Raoul, this works on trust and respect. I’ve told you.
It will give you an opportunity.
He says you can put the gun down then pick it back up.
You don’t.
He says nobody will shoot you.
You tell him you’re not going to do anything bad to them.
He says he believes you.
He asks about sleep and says he doesn’t want you to fall asleep.
I’m not going to fall asleep.
He doesn’t want you to faint.
Well I have fainted today.
Right, now I’m worried. You’re telling me that you fainted today, you’ve been on medication historically that could, that should be out your system, but you don’t know.
You tell him you’re okay.
He says if you come in you can have a shower and food, and the police will investigate everything.
You answer him.
You talk about the conviction.
He says the police will have to look at that.
Well I got found guilty.
That’s not right, is it?
No.
He says you’ll get a chance to explain.
You tell him it’s done. You tell him they’ll cover it up.
He says they wouldn’t dare.
He says you can tell the world you are the real Raoul Moat.
I’m still going to be away from Sam.
He goes through it all again. Sam, kids, the future.
You talk about your gran and how much you loved her.
You talk about prison and your children.
Will they forgive me for what I’ve done?
…
…
He talks about Sam. You respond.
He says he knows you’ve been wrongly done to.
Do you believe that?
He says he does.
…
He explains what will happen with the food. He tells you three officers are going to come from your left. Two of them will be carrying shields. The third will have the food. That officer will put the food down, about ten feet away from where you’re sitting, and you mustn’t move until they’ve retreated.
He asks you to repeat what will happen. You repeat it.
He tells you again what will happen and asks what you can’t do.
Go for the food when they’re there.
…
The midges are in your face. You knock them away.
He says you should come in and get something to
eat, get your sugar levels up and tell everyone what happened.
You answer.
He says,
Raoul, while you’re talking to me I’ve said to you, no one is going to hurt you. We want you, everyone here wants you, to put the gun down and just walk and just come to us and that’s it. The midges will be gone, you can get more food, you can have a shower, a shave and everything squared off. I mean, like I say, you’ve asked for the kids to be moved, we moved the kids out the back who you thought were cops. They weren’t. We’ve done everything that you’ve asked of us, Raoul. We moved to here. There were no tricks there. Will you at least, when you’ve had your food, do that for me?
I’ll think about it.
Thank you.
But I’m not promising anything.
I know. Thank you.
…
You tell him you want to apologise to the people of Rothbury. He says you don’t need to.
It’s getting dark. He says they’ll set up some lights.
…
You ask where he’s from. He says,
You’ve got South Yorkshire, West Yorkshire, Cleveland, Durham, Humberside. They’re from all over.
You tell him you’ve heard all kinds of accents. He says you must have been close to them. You tell him you were.
…
He says it’ll be an all-day breakfast sandwich.
There’ll be a big bottle of water too.
You ask how Sam is. He says she’s a lot better.
You ask about the injury. He describes it.
The food’s ready.
He says they’ll throw it to you. They’ll have their guns drawn, but they won’t be pointed at you.
You knock some midges away.
They bring the food towards you.
They get close.
One throws the sandwich. Then the water.
It rolls, but you grab it.
They retreat. You ask,
How much do you get paid for this?
…
As you unwrap the sandwich you keep the gun under your chin and he says,
Raoul. Raoul. Whoa, whoa. Be careful. Just watch where you’re putting your hand. Why don’t you just put the gun by your foot?
You won’t. He asks if you want peace while you eat.
No, no, it’s not that.
He stops talking. You eat the sandwich. It’s a triple.
…
You talk to him about calming down this week. He says,
Yes. You obviously took the right decision though, Raoul. You made the right decision. I mean, you had the chance to hurt another officer and you didn’t.
He asks what you’ve been doing for water. You tell him.
He says that can give you a bad gut.
He says you’ve got a future.
How’s the officer?
He says he won’t die, but he’s lost the sight in one eye, but not the other, and he’s been promised he can keep his job.
You ask a question about the officer. He says he doesn’t know and that he only knows the stuff in the press. He tries talking about you instead.
You ask another question about the officer. He says he’ll be looked after the same as you will be and he tries talking about something else.
You ask who the officer was. He says PC Rathband.
You tell him you’re worried Sam is in trouble. He says she’s not.
…
You thank them for the food. He says you’re welcome.
He says you should have a drink of water, then put your gun down and walk up the road with him to get a couple of sandwiches.
You won’t.
…
You ask about Sam. You talk about her dad.
You talk about Sam and you.
It’s getting dark. He asks if you’ll put the gun down.
No.
…
He says they’ll put the lights up, but he really wants you to put the gun down. You won’t. Fair enough, there’s no rush.
You ask about Sam and Chris. He says he doesn’t know anything about their relationship.
He asks if it’s okay to turn the lights of the Mitsubishi on. It’s fine. And the BMW? It’s fine. You knock the midges. He says,
Raoul, you alright? Sick of the midges? Listen, Raoul, where’s that, where’s that, I cannot see the gun. Where is it?
He wants you to be careful.
I’m not coming in.
Why not?
You tell him you’re wasting his time.
He says you’re not, he says the kids need a dad, whether it’s in ten years’ or twenty years’ time.
He says the car engines need to go on before they can switch the headlights on. You tell him it’s fine.
They turn the headlights on.
He talks about your future again. You talk about being a dad and being in jail and the shootings. You tell him you don’t want to waste taxpayers’ money. He says you can’t put a price on life.
He asks when you last slept. You tell him you’ve had catnaps.
He asks what brought you down today. You tell him you were tired.
He says you must feel lonely. You tell him you do get lonely.
You talk about it all. Again. Again. Again.
He talks about your future. Again and again.
He says everything will be better after a good night’s sleep.
You tell him you need to speak to Sam.
He says she’s in hospital.
You tell him only Sam can sort this out.
You ask about Karl and Sean. He says he doesn’t know what’s happened with them. You tell him they were hostages.
You talk about the kids.
They set up some more lights.
He asks about you and Sam. You talk about her.
He says,
She hasn’t got all the answers, mate.
…
He says you need to stick around for the kids. He says you can get help. You talk about jail. He says you can get help in jail.
You’re getting quiet.
…
They’re putting lights up on the other side of the river.
He asks you to put the gun down.
You won’t.
You tell him you want to speak to Sam. He says you can’t.
He says you need to look forward, not back.
You ask if Sam’s said she doesn’t want to speak to you.
He says,
No, Sam’s in hospital. She isn’t very well, but she will get better. It’s not … Raoul, if she said that she didn’t want to speak to you, I’d tell you that she didn’t want to speak to you, but that isn’t the case. It’s because she’s in hospital. You need, if you love her, you need to give her the chance to get better and then speak to her.
He talks about the kids. He asks you to put the gun down.
You’re worried about what people will say to the kids.
He says they’ll be fine.
He says,
What’s stopping you, when you come out, emigrating and your kids coming with you? Or moving to a different part of the country?
He says there are places like Rothbury all over. He says you can build a new life, starting from now.
You tell him you can’t.
He says you’ve been through all this already, you’ve got to listen, because he’s solving the problems you’re raising.
…
He talks about your kids.
He says he knows you’re getting sleepy.
He asks you to put the gun down.
You tell him they’ll get you. He says they won’t.
He says he does this because he cares about people, whether it’s someone on a bridge or so
meone in a situation like this.
You ask if he’s married.
You ask what your mum said to the papers. He doesn’t know.
You talk about your mum. He talks about you and the kids.
You tell him you’ll never get out of jail. He says you will.
He says it’s in the press loads about how a life sentence doesn’t really mean a life sentence.
You disagree.
He asks when the last time you saw a sentence like that was, because terrorists don’t even get sentences like that.
You disagree.
He says you’re jumping ahead, making assumptions, because you’ve hardly got any previous.
You tell him he’s wrong.
…
He asks if you know anyone whose mum or dad committed suicide. You don’t. He says it leaves an emptiness. He asks,
Have you thought about that, Raoul?
It starts raining.
You’ve been talking for hours.
You tell them you buried another gun at Cragside and you don’t want any kids to find it. They could hurt themselves.
…
You’re quiet.
…
You ask whether you’re going to be able to speak to Sam on the phone. He says she would have to agree, and it would depend on logistics, and will you promise not to kill yourself?
You tell him no, and there’s no point anyway because she probably wouldn’t want to speak to you and you couldn’t trust her.
He says you’re moving the goalposts.
You tell him,
It ends in this field tonight.
You sit up straight, breathe deeply and move the gun from your chin to your head.
He shouts,
Look at me, look at me. No. Stop. Put the gun down.
Something hits your arm and knocks you backwards. You yelp, sit up straight, breathe deeply and shoot your head.
[DEAD]
Blood sprays out the left side of your head.
Your body falls backwards into the long grass.
Someone shouts,
Shots fired!
They come over to you.
Someone shouts,
Get the gun off him!
The gun’s still in your left hand. They move it away.
Someone shouts,
Clear!
They pull you from the long grass. Your eyes are open.
Your eyeballs have rolled backwards.
Blood is pooled around your head and splattered across your face.
You’re moaning.
They shout for a paramedic.
The paramedic runs over. You take a deep breath. He can’t find the wound. He asks the police where you were shot and one of them gestures to the side of your head and they bring a light. The paramedic pulls your cap and hoodie out the way and sees the wound. They put a mask on your face and a defibrillator on your chest and an IV in your leg. They dress the hole in your head.