Take Me All the Way

by Toni Blake

  “I . . . confided in somebody about it recently,” Jeremy confessed. “And she made the argument that it could have been the bad guys just as easily as me.”

  Marco nodded. “Yeah, I’ve always known that. I just thought . . . the angles made it likelier to be me.”

  “Or me.”

  “Shit—I don’t know what to think anymore.” Marco shook his head.

  “Me neither,” Jeremy agreed. His mind felt blown sky high, in fact.

  Marco let out a tired sigh. “The upshot is, we’ll never know for sure.”

  Jeremy nodded. “For better or worse.” Then he looked at his friend. “This . . . gives it a new perspective, though. Because, I mean, I’ve been so sure. It never even occurred to me . . .”

  “I know, man, I know.” Marco stared back out to sea. “I guess it makes me wonder . . . what other perspectives we could be missing. Not that I want to let myself off the hook—I don’t.” He shook his head. “I mean, I take responsibility. Inside myself.”

  Jeremy nodded. “Me, too. But yeah . . . I guess if nothing else, now we share the burden.”

  Marco shrugged. “Better than carrying it alone, I guess.” One more head shake. “Maybe. I don’t know anymore.”

  “The person I told, she also said Chuck wouldn’t want me to keep suffering. And I guess I’ve . . . started making peace with it.”

  Marco nodded. “She somebody special to you?”

  Jeremy let out a breath. “No, not really,” he said. But in that heavy moment, it felt like the biggest lie he’d ever told.

  JEREMY had spent the last few days not doing much. He’d lain on the beach, trying to clear his head—on a lot of different subjects. He’d thought a week off between jobs might be nice, but he realized now that he’d had the last two years off and that working was good for him; not working gave him too much time to think.

  Of course, maybe some of the thinking was good.

  Though what he’d learned from Marco didn’t absolve him from firing his weapon that night, at the same time it did force him to re-examine the whole event. It reminded him that just because he’d been there, that didn’t make him a reliable witness—it was hard to process things in extreme stress and that had been about the most extreme stress of his life. So he didn’t absolve himself, but maybe he was beginning to forgive himself a little more.

  And he hoped Marco would, too. He planned to keep in closer touch with his buddy.

  But some of the thinking was bad. Because it was about Tamra.

  His conversation with Marco had also forced him to see he’d minimized what he’d shared with her. He’d tried to make it nothing when it was . . . something. More than something. She’d helped him turn his life around and that counted for more than he could measure.

  He felt like an ass now for making so light of their relationship. But he’d been thrown into panic mode, shutdown mode. He’d been mentally running away.

  That was what the whole last two years of his life had been about—running away. And he’d thought he’d stopped that, but the second she’d told him she loved him, he’d gone right back to running.

  Now he sat outside behind the Happy Crab with his usual companion these days—one who happened to come with fur. At least he didn’t talk much.

  He peered down at him and said, “Know why you and me get along? Because you don’t want anything from me besides fish. And I’m okay with that kind of superficial relationship.”

  If he was honest with himself, he’d felt a little lonely since parting with Tamra. But the hell of it was that . . . it just felt safer that way. And he could have hung out some with Reece if he’d wanted, or hell—probably Abner for that matter. And one night Riley, the nice old man who managed the motel, had invited him to watch a football game on TV. But Jeremy had passed. And he wasn’t sure why. He only knew that it had something to do with Chuck, and also something to do with Tamra.

  “I heard from Polly you adopted a cat.”

  He looked up to see Fletcher McCloud round the building.

  Fletcher smiled. “Don’t worry—I know it’s a secret from Reece.”

  “I’m not really a cat guy,” he told Fletcher. “More of a dog person.”

  Fletcher’s gaze dropped to where Jeremy absently held down one hand to stroke behind the cat’s ear. “You kind of seem like a cat guy.”

  “I was mostly guilted into it,” he explained.

  Yet it was clear the other man wasn’t buying it. “None of my business, but sometimes it’s wise to just accept certain things, learn to roll with what is instead of what was.”

  Jeremy took that in, turned it over in his brain. And then let out a giant sigh. Aw hell. He was a cat guy.

  “I’ve been wanting to get to know you better,” Fletcher said, “but our paths never seem to cross.”

  Jeremy forced a laugh. “My path doesn’t cross many others. Tend to keep to myself.”

  “I’d heard that was changing.”

  “Well, changed back.” Jeremy crossed his arms.

  “That’s unfortunate,” Fletcher said. “Good people here. Knowing them has enriched my life.”

  It put Jeremy on the defensive. “They are good people. Guess I’m just not into . . .”

  “Having friends?” Fletcher asked.

  At this, Jeremy shrugged. “Makes life simpler, you ask me.”

  “Does it?” Fletcher countered. “I would get lonely without people. Relationships are the spice of life.”

  Jeremy just gave his head a short shake. “For some guys, I guess.”

  “What’s the spice of your life then? If not people?” And when Jeremy didn’t give him an answer, because he couldn’t think of one, Fletcher added, “What else is there really?”

  And Jeremy wanted to just shut up and let this conversation end, but he heard himself reply anyway, with what he was really thinking. “People . . . make life complicated. They come with obligations. Or they need to be taken care of. Or they want to take care of you. Or they go away. Or they die.”

  “But it’s a trade-off,” Fletcher said without missing a beat, “and what you get in return is worth it.”

  “Is it?”

  “Always,” Fletcher replied. “Because it’s the whole point of living. It’s why we’re here. Some people would say that to avoid relationships is to live your life in fear.”

  “Fear of what?”

  “Fear of love. Fear of loss. Loving can mean losing, my friend. Some people mistakenly think it’s easier to avoid the whole thing.”

  Jeremy let out a heavy breath. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but . . . you’re a very intense, philosophical dude. I mean, I was just sitting here enjoying the weather and . . .”

  Fletcher let out a laugh. “I hear ya—and I apologize for turning a hello into an analysis. I was just looking for Reece.” And as he started to walk past, toward the motel office, Jeremy thought he seemed like some wannabe therapist. But another part of him was forced to recall he’d once said something similar to Tamra—he’d told her sometimes you had to be bigger than your fears. Maybe it had been easier when they’d been talking about her, not him. Or . . . maybe he’d just been smarter with her than without her.

  Regardless, he was glad the conversation was over. But something still made him call to Fletcher, “I’m glad your wife came back, man.”

  The tightrope walker had just opened the back office door, but looked over to say, “Thanks. Me, too.” Then he disappeared inside.

  Although it was a beautiful October day in Florida, Jeremy followed the urge to retreat even a little more and headed back to his room. Of course, Captain followed, ever Jeremy’s furry shadow. It was the middle of the day, but a nap sounded good.

  No, a nap is bad. Back at Whisper Falls, he’d napped too much. Especially during periods without many nightmares. During those times, sleep was sweet escape from life.

  But he still lay down because sleep sounded good. He grabbed his phone, turned on some music, low. Bush s
inging “Glycerine.” He got lost in the song’s low, soothing tones.

  Don’t shut down. Don’t start closing yourself off.

  But he still wanted the nap.

  The problem with that was the damn cat. He kept walking around on Jeremy. “Geez,” he finally said, opening his eyes to look up at the cat whose big front paws were planted firmly on his chest. Captain peered back down at him through his one good eye.

  Jeremy sighed. “You’re pretty damn clingy for such a big tough guy,” he said. The cat let out a small mew and their gazes stayed connected, and something in the connection softened Jeremy a little. “But . . . I guess you just want what everybody wants—to be loved, right?” And only because no one was around to see it, he hugged the large cat to his chest.

  And then his own words echoed in his ears. About everyone wanting to be loved.

  It’s normal, what Tamra wants.

  It would be normal for you to want it, too. Normal to be brave enough to want it.

  His chest tightened. Because he knew he loved her, too. But he stuffed the thought down as soon as it struck him.

  Shit, Fletcher was right. Except . . . it wasn’t fear for Jeremy. It was a conscious choice. He’d already endured so much loss in war; he needed time to get over that. And the whole love thing with her—it was just too much too soon. It only made sense—for both their sakes—for him to let her go. He didn’t know how to take care of someone and maybe he never would. He could just barely let himself feel responsible for a cat.

  And this protected her as much as him. He’d put on a pretty good show with her—and with himself—for a while. But the truth was, he was still a man running away from life. And she deserved better than that.

  “It was th’ joy that mattered.”

  Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden

  Chapter 26

  IT WAS a beautiful evening for a wedding in Coral Cove. Tamra stood at the top of the wooden stairs that descended onto the beach from Sea Shell Lane, looking out over the picturesque scene. The white arbor Jack and Fletcher had built for the occasion rested on a blanket of soft pale sand, rows of white chairs arranged neatly facing it. A spray of wildflowers, with pale yellow roses sprinkled in, was a finishing touch on the arch. A guitar player situated to one side strummed light pre-wedding music that wafted through the air.

  Guests were beginning to arrive and take their seats for the sunset nuptials and Tamra had already met a number of Christy’s friends from Jeremy’s hometown of Destiny, Ohio. But she tried not to think of Jeremy as she spoke with them. She tried to focus on the night and the occasion and her friend who would soon walk down the aisle and marry the love of her life.

  She’d been encouraging people to sign the guestbook, then directing them to the ushers—Reece and one of Jack’s friends from up north. Christy and Bethany were in Christy and Jack’s cottage getting ready. And Jack, who’d gotten dressed at best man Fletcher’s house across the street, had just come out to start greeting guests as well.

  And during that quiet moment as she stood back and took in the scene, a shocking thought hit her. I want this.

  And the shocking part was . . . she’d never really let herself truly want that before. A wedding. Lifelong romance and love and passion. Happily ever after—the real deal.

  And she wasn’t sure she believed she’d ever have it, but . . . something in her had changed. Before Jeremy, the very idea of love had seemed distant and almost impossible, like something that just wasn’t in the cards for her. And she’d blindly accepted that. Jeremy might not love her, or maybe he was just running from his feelings—she still didn’t know—but either way, he’d opened up something inside her, shown her she could have what other women had, and that it didn’t take perfection or being a certain size or a classic beauty. It only took letting her inner light shine, and letting someone see it. It only took letting someone in.

  And Jeremy hadn’t wanted to stay in.

  And she was far from over him. The truth was—she didn’t feel like the pain was ebbing at all. At the moment, she didn’t feel like she’d ever be able to let go of her yearning for him, and for more of what they’d shared. She wanted to hold him when he was hurting. She wanted to make sure he healed inside. She wanted to let him help her heal some more, too.

  But she’d always been a logical woman and that hadn’t gone entirely out the window with love. And she knew, logically, because people said so, that maybe someday she’d get over him. And that maybe, just maybe, it was okay to let herself begin to want and wish for what Christy had with Jack.

  Of course, she worried for Jeremy. She knew from her friends that he’d been withdrawn lately and she didn’t want him to relapse. She’d seen such light in him and she wanted it to shine just as badly as she wanted her own to.

  She didn’t know if he’d come to the wedding. He’d been invited, and there were lots of people from his hometown here who would surely love to see him, yet knowing him as she did, she realized he might just decide it was simpler to stay in tonight.

  But don’t let yourself get mired in thoughts of a man who doesn’t want you. Be in the moment—be here for your friend’s special day. So she did her best to shove thoughts of Jeremy aside and put back on a smile for Christy and Jack and the lovely wedding that was about to commence.

  “Hello there, Tamra.”

  She turned to see Alejandro just as he grabbed on to her hand, closing it between both of his. He wore an eager smile.

  “Hi Alejandro.” She tried to smile back.

  Jeremy had changed her life for the better and she was determined not to go back into her sullen shell. Even if that meant trying to talk to Alejandro. Even if he didn’t seem to have much personality.

  A few minutes later, during which he never relinquished possession of her hand, they parted ways. His thick accent kept her from always understanding him, but she thought she’d agreed to connect with him after the ceremony. For better or worse.

  Just then, Bethany arrived at the top of the steps. “So, you and Alejandro.”

  Tamra sighed. “I don’t know. His name is a mouthful. And he’s very touchy-feely.”

  “Men of his culture are very openly affectionate,” Bethany explained. “And at least he’s hot. I know there might not be much else there, but don’t knock hot.”

  Tamra nodded. “I know. Hot is nice. I’m trying.” Then she checked her watch. It was almost time for the wedding to start. Jeremy must not be coming. But she pushed the thought aside as soon as it entered her head. It didn’t matter.

  “Do you have any idea what Jack’s big surprise is for Christy?” Tamra asked. The last few days there had been whispers about a surprise, but no one knew what it was.

  “Nope,” Bethany said. “But I guess we’ll find out soon.” Then she got a faraway look in her eyes as a small smile stole over her. “You know, I have a feeling this wedding is going to be epic.”

  “I agree. Jack and Christy are perfect together and it’s going to be a beautiful ceremony.”

  “Yeah. But . . .” Bethany gave her head a speculative tilt. “I actually mean more than that. I just think it’s going to be a special night.”

  FLETCHER exited his house in the first tux he’d ever worn. For his own wedding, he’d been in a cheap suit, Kim in a flowy sundress—and it had been perfect for them at that beautiful moment of their lives. But time marched on, and just like when he’d fancied up for the engagement party, right now he felt pretty damn good in his monkey suit. He was honored to have been chosen as Jack’s best man. And though he’d never been a guy who cared much about how he looked, maybe the recent responses to his change in appearance had given him a new confidence.

  That confidence was confirmed when Tamra, standing with Bethany at the top of the stairs, said, “Whoa—look at you! You clean up nice, Fletch!”

  He let his smile connect not only with Tamra’s gaze, but Bethany’s, too. “It’s for a good cause,” he said with a wink. “Jack just texted me
. His surprise has arrived, so it’s all systems go whenever Christy is ready to walk down the aisle.”

  Bethany drew in a breath. “Wow, this is really it.”

  And Fletcher felt that, too—the gravity of the moment. Though for him, there was more to it than just Jack and Christy saying their I do’s.

  “I’ll go get her,” Bethany said.

  Fletcher and Tamra both nodded, and as Bethany started toward the cottage, Tamra asked, “Where’s Kim? I haven’t seen her today.”

  “She’s, uh, not coming,” he said. “In fact, she’s gone.”

  At this, Bethany stopped, looked back, wide-eyed, mouth in the shape of an “O.” “Gone?”

  Wow, he liked her. He liked how direct she was right now, not hiding her interest in the situation. And so he decided to be just as direct. Because life was short. People had been telling him that ever since Kim’s original departure, but only now was he really getting that. He knew things had unfolded exactly as they were supposed to, yet he also realized he didn’t want to waste any more time.

  “Yeah,” he said. “She left last night—for good.”

  “Um . . .” Tamra said, clearly stumped for words.

  As Bethany remarked, “Huh.”

  He met Bethany’s lovely gaze full on as he told her, “I’m hoping you and I might be able to . . . start over.”

  And she beamed at him, her smile as brilliant as the sun dropping toward the horizon in the distance. Only then she took on a coy, playful look that he’d seen in her before. “It’s a wedding, a time of new beginnings, right?”

  And then she turned and headed toward the cottage to bring out the bride.

  Only when she was gone did Tamra grab his wrist and speak in a hushed-but-freaked-out tone. “What the hell did I miss?”

  Fletcher sighed. It had been a long couple of days, complete with a lot of soul searching, but he was truly at peace with how things had turned out. “I just had to accept the truth—we couldn’t go back in time to who we once were and what we once had. I’m a different person now. And besides, my trust in her was shattered—I just never thought about that when I was waiting for her to come back. Neither one of us wanted to accept it, but we both felt it.” He looked into his best friend’s eyes. “I thought it would be easy, Tamra. I thought it would be just picking up right where we left off. But it wasn’t.”