A Silence in the Heart (Holmes Crossing Book 4)

by Carolyne Aarsen

  "I talked to Juanita and laid out her options, and she's amenable to a custody agreement cooperating with the conditions we agreed on."

  "And what are the conditions?" Tracy asked Danielle.

  Danielle's teeth worried her lip, and Tracy held her breath. "I think Oden will be speaking to that," Danielle said, her entire attention focused on the open file in front of her as she spoke.

  "We want to see Kent in a safe, loving environment, first of all," Oden said.

  My home, thought Tracy.

  "We want a situation where he has a positive male role model."

  David could be that.

  "We'd like to see Juanita coming for regular visits."

  Tracy felt a glimmer of foreboding.

  "I'd like to see her understand how a family functions. I want her to have a role model in that area as well."

  Tracy closed her eyes, bracing for her second hit of the day.

  "So what I propose is that Juanita sign a voluntary three-month custody agreement, and we place Kent in Jack and Emily Friedman's home for the duration of that agreement. Starting today."

  Chapter 16

  Oden's words hit Tracy like a body blow. She fell back against her chair, anger and fear swirling through her.

  No. This can't be.

  Danielle's gaze flew to hers, and Tracy realized she had cried out.

  David's hand cupped her shoulder. Jack and Emily focused their attention on Oden.

  Tracy held Danielle's gaze, pleading silently with her. But Danielle only looked away.

  She turned back to David. The man who had said he loved her. "David. You know how much I love Kent. What I've done for him." He'd been there when she'd sacrificed her chance at a dream she'd had longer than she'd had Kent. He'd seen the choice she’d made. "You know this isn't right."

  David squeezed harder. "I know this is hard, Tracy. But we've got to think about Kent."

  His words created another chill.

  "And what about me?"

  "I have thought about you. So has Danielle. Your problems with your mother make it hard to see you working with Juanita."

  "My mother?" Tracy's gaze flew from David to Danielle and then back again. "My mother has nothing to do with this. Nothing at all."

  Surely she wasn't going to be penalized for what she had told him? For what she had confessed to him. "What I told you, I told you in confidence . . ." She paused, gasping for breath, her heart pounding. "This is what I get?"

  "You misunderstand, Tracy. It's not that. We want Kent to be in the best place possible . . ." David's glance slipped to Emily and Jack, and in a flash, Tracy understood.

  Heather's perfect family. So much better than what she could give Kent.

  David had betrayed her. Just as her mother had. Just as Art had. How could she have been so stupid as to believe he would take care of her? How could she have trusted him with secrets she had never told anyone before?

  The walls of the room closed in on her. She had to get out.

  Tracy slapped David's hand away, pushed her chair back, the legs catching on the carpet. She tried to get up, but her knees buckled and David caught her.

  She looked at him, saw the pity in his gaze.

  "You knew," she said, clinging a moment to catch her balance. "Before we came here, you knew what would happen."

  "Tracy, I can explain."

  "I don't need your lame explanations," she cried out, pushing him away. "You leave me alone. I don't want your pity. Or your help."

  She snatched her purse from the back of her chair. Made it to the door without stumbling.

  "Tracy, wait," David called out.

  "Stay away from me, David. Just stay away."

  As the door slammed behind her, she looked wildly around for escape. A large square of light at the end of the hallway beckoned, and she ran blindly toward it, hoping, praying David wasn't following her.

  She slammed her hands against the metal bars, startling a young couple entering the building. With a mumbled apology, she ran past them, floundered down the concrete stairs, thankful she was staying on her feet.

  She stopped a moment, uncertain of where to go. The wind had died down, giving the sun a chance to give off what little heat it had at this time of the year. But Tracy shivered as the full import of what had just happened fell on her, an avalanche of broken wishes and dreams.

  Kent wasn't going to be staying with her.

  Her dream acreage had been taken away from her.

  She had sacrificed it for Kent. Had sacrificed it for nothing.

  She swayed as pain clawed at her heart, sharp, hard, and unrelenting. Sanctuary. She needed sanctuary.

  But the two people she trusted the most, the ones she'd thought cared about her, were huddled in a room in the building behind her, making plans for a little boy she had dared let into her life and heart because she foolishly thought he couldn't break it.

  Unworthy. Unworthy.

  The word spun around her head, condemning. Accusing. Noisy words she could never seem to silence.

  It was because of her mother. Because of her unyielding resistance to reconcile with a woman she didn't dare allow into her life.

  She had kept her mother away, because she thought that could keep her from being hurt. But it was that rejection that had jeopardized her chance to take care of Kent.

  And David knew all along what was going on. Him and his comments about her mother. Questions about why she stayed away from her.

  He probably believed her mother when she had come to the clinic.

  She swallowed and swallowed, determined not to cry. Tears were futile. They solved nothing. But as she walked toward her car, she tasted salt at the corners of her mouth, felt the cool tracks of moisture trickling down her cheeks.

  She unlocked her car with shaking fingers, got inside, and carefully slid the key into the ignition. But she didn't have the strength to turn it.

  Bewildered, she lifted her hands as if to inspect them. Her vision blurred, the stone that was her heart grew heavier and heavier in her chest, pressing on the sorrow she tried to hold in.

  She clenched her hands into fists, pressed them against each other as she rocked in her seat. Then, unable to hold it in any longer, she opened her hands, pressed them to her face, and wept.

  Kent was gone. Taken away. Her little boy whom she had dared to love.

  David, the man she had given her heart to, had betrayed her.

  She had no dreams. No hope. No future.

  Only a mother who had once again torn everything away from her.

  Tracy stacked her hands on the steering wheel. Laid her forehead on them and closed her eyes.

  Slowly, coherent thought slipped past the pain. Now what? What was the point of her life now?

  Unbidden came the memory of David's face as she'd looked to him for support. He had let her down exactly when she needed him most. How could he have said he loved her and then turned on her like this?

  And how was she supposed to face him now?

  She wiped her eyes once more. Drew in a deep breath as she looked around. Gained her bearings.

  She started up her car and drove back to her apartment. She couldn't go to work today. Couldn't face David after this. Today she was calling in sick. And maybe tomorrow as well. And after that, well, she'd see.

  "Any news from Tracy?"

  Crystal didn't even look up at him. David guessed he was on her bad list too. "She's not coming in today either."

  David leaned back against the counter, his arms folded over his chest. After she'd left social services, Tracy had phoned in sick. She hadn't answered her phone all weekend. Hadn't come to church.

  Again and again he saw the look of determination on her face when Edgar delivered his ultimatum. She had given it all up for that little boy. Had sacrificed her dream to keep him safe.

  Heather had talked about faith, but Tracy lived it.

  He felt sick thinking of her betrayed hurt when Danielle and Oden had decid
ed where Kent would go. After Tracy had made her choice in Kent's best interests, she'd still lost.

  But what else could they have done? Kent was their first priority, and no matter what Tracy thought of Juanita, Kent and his mother still had a relationship that needed nurturing and encouraging.

  "Did she mention when she might be coming back?" David asked.

  Crystal waved one shoulder in a vague shrug, still not meeting his eye. "She's got a lot of holidays banked up. The girl hardly ever took them. I'd say she's got a break coming."

  Since Thursday, Crystal's attitude toward him had been decidedly cool. David had tried to find out what Tracy had told her, but Crystal was also being uncharacteristically guarded. When she spoke to him, it was strictly for the purpose of exchange of information.

  None of her chatty jokes. No teasing comments.

  Dr. Harvey had heard what had happened but hadn't sided with either Crystal or David. In spite of that, work had taken on a gloomy atmosphere. And with Tracy gone, there was an uncertainty in his own personal life he didn't want to contemplate.

  He waited a moment, hoping Crystal might volunteer any scrap of information, but she kept her eyes resolutely on the computer screen.

  He wanted Tracy back. Wanted to hold her close, to comfort her. To help her through this double loss.

  Watch over her, Lord, he prayed as he walked to the back of the clinic to get his coveralls. Take care of her. Don't let her keep to herself too long.

  He prayed as he pulled out of the parking lot. Prayed as he drove.

  It was all he could do for now.

  "He hasn't moved one inch," Emily said, her arms crossed over her chest, her face full of concern as she glanced over her shoulder at Kent hovering by the living-room window of their home, his finger tracing the same circle on the glass again and again. "I told him his mother probably isn't coming, but he won't budge."

  "What did she say when she called?" David asked, watching Kent as well, concerned about the sorrow on the boy's face.

  "She said she was tired. Truthfully, she sounded drunk." Emily drummed her fingers on her arm. "And Danielle called. Told me the police tracked down his mother's assailant. Turned out it was 'Uncle Steve,' the man who claims to be Kent's father. Edgar Stinson's son."

  "I guess that's a positive. Juanita won't have to worry about him."

  "For now."

  David sighed, his heart aching for the little boy. All day his thoughts had alternately jumped from Kent to Tracy. Tracy he could do nothing about except pray and hold down the panicky feeling that she wasn't lost to him. She'd been gone almost five days now. Not even Danielle had heard anything from her. He was worried and so was Danielle, but there wasn't much they could do.

  So he had come to see how Kent was doing.

  He walked into the living room and crouched down beside Kent, gently capturing his hand. "Your mommy isn't coming today, Kent," he said, keeping his voice quiet and non-threatening.

  "Yes, she is. She said she was comin'." Kent jerked his hand free. "She told me. She promised."

  "She'll come another day." David wished Kent's mother could see this tiny, broken boy. Realize what she had done to him.

  I spent a lot of time alone.

  Tracy's words slipped into his mind and clung. For a moment, he saw a young girl instead of a young boy. Waiting. Watching. And he saw a small picture of what Tracy had had to deal with.

  "Today. She said Tuesday. Today it's Tuesday. Today she's comin'."

  At a loss, David glanced back at Emily, who shrugged. He turned back to Kent. "Do you want me to get you a chair so you can watch out the window better?"

  Kent was quiet, as if considering the idea.

  "You know what, Kent," Emily said, snapping her fingers as if something had just occurred to her. "I have a little table and some chairs. What do you say we set them up and David can play a game with you while you wait?"

  He just nodded, and that was enough for Emily to spring into action.

  A few moments later, they had a table set up in front of the window, Kent perched on a chair facing out. David sat awkwardly on a chair made for a much smaller person than him, setting up a checker board.

  Kent glanced down. "Tracy showed me how to play this." Then he looked up at David, his expression suddenly bright. "Is Tracy going to come?"

  David wished he could answer him. "She went on a holiday. But she'll be back. And then she'll see you."

  "She's not in the hospital, is she?"

  David felt a jolt, and then shook his head. "No. She's just traveling." Crystal had told him that much at least. Said she'd be back on Wednesday. Tomorrow.

  The thought of her sent a mixture of anticipation and sorrow swirling through him. What would she say when she came back? How would she treat him?

  And how could he win back her trust?

  It was as if all light had been bleached from her life. Even the weather the past few days mirrored her mood, the sun hiding behind dark, lowering clouds that chased each other across a gray sky.

  She had spent the past four days driving in a futile effort to outrun her own pain and loss. But each time she stopped, it caught up to her, laid its barbed hooks into her, and clung. Sometimes she cried. Sometimes she talked aloud to God, wondering what she was supposed to figure out, what He was trying to teach her. But mostly she just drove.

  She'd put over a thousand kilometers on her new car, trying to lose her sorrow in the vast and varying landscape of Alberta. Trying to find some purpose in a life that was suddenly rootless and disoriented.

  She had entrusted David with the deepest secrets of her life, her deepest pain and vulnerability. And he used that against her. How could he?

  She turned onto her street, but as she came near her apartment, she suddenly didn't want to go there yet. Too many reminders of what she had lost.

  So she turned around and went downtown and parked in front of the Holmes Crossing Café.

  Thankfully it wasn't busy, and she found an empty booth in the back and slipped in. Right now she just wanted to hunker down, drink coffee, and figure out where her life was going next.

  "Coffee?" Terra DeWindt stood at the end of the table, holding out a carafe and wearing a smile.

  Tracy simply nodded. Terra poured the coffee, but her eyes were on Tracy. "You look rough. Bad day?"

  Where to start?

  And then, to her distress, the tears started again.

  "Helen, can you take over for a bit?" Terra signaled to Helen, who came over and without a word took the coffee pot and walked away. Terra slipped into the booth beside Tracy, angling her body so no one else could see.

  "So, what's wrong, hon?"

  Tracy struggled to stifle the sorrow that yawned before her like a dark pit. She couldn't fall in. She had no one to help her. But then she felt Terra's arm slip around her shoulder.

  "Life. Just. Sucks," Tracy managed.

  "Want to talk about it?" Terra urged. "Sometimes that helps."

  Tracy sorted through her thoughts, wondering which burdens to unload.

  "Did you ever trust someone and have that trust broken?"

  Terra released a hard laugh. "Oh yeah. I sure did."

  Tracy heard the bitter tone in her voice that was at odds with the laughing and easygoing Terra she knew.

  "Was it Jack?"

  "No. Never him. An old boyfriend who wasn't, shall we say, the nicest guy."

  A glimmer of a memory wafted into Tracy's mind. "Was he the guy who tried to accost you on the church steps one Sunday?"

  "The very same." Terra gave Tracy a grin. "And full points for using accost. I haven't heard that in ages."

  "It was on my word of the day app. For some reason," Tracy returned.

  "But yeah, I've had promises broken many times."

  "How do you cope?"

  "I used to so-called cope by using my mother's favorite method," Terra said, growing thoughtful. “Diving into a sea of alcohol and trying to hit the other side without dr
owning. But since I've come to Holmes Crossing, met Jack, got involved in the church, I've been blessed to find another way. My faith."

  This created a moment of silence, as if to acknowledge her journey. But then Tracy latched on to something else Terra said, finding a solid point of solidarity. "Your mother used to drink?"

  "Still does, as far as I know." Terra shrugged. "Neither Leslie nor I have seen her or heard from her in years."

  "My mother has problems with alcohol too."

  "Does she live around here?"

  "No. Freeman. In fact, she just moved there a few months ago. Like you, I hadn't heard from her for a long time either. Then out of the blue, she called me. Wanted me to come for a visit. She said she'd changed."

  Terra seemed to brighten at that. "Really? Did you go?"

  "Tried to."

  "What do you mean by that?" Terra encouraged.

  Tracy sighed, pushing back the other losses, focusing on this one. "I went to Freeman to see her last Sunday. Fool that I was, I believed her. I was hoping things were different. That maybe I had gotten my mother back. She answered the door, and it was like every broken promise she'd made to me all came crashing in when I smelled that alcohol on her breath. When I heard her slurred speech."

  "Oh no. I'm so sorry. No wonder you're upset. I sure would be."

  "I felt like such an idiot. And then I had to go and meet David's perfect family—" She caught herself, bringing the conversation to a screeching halt. "Never mind. It wasn't my best day. I've had worse since then, but that one is up there."

  "Since then? What happened to you since then?"

  Rats. Tracy should have known Terra would catch that. The woman could keep seven orders straight in her head and not miss a beat. She should have figured Terra would pounce on her slip-up.

  "I'm guessing your mother disappointed you, but I sense there's more going on. I can't see you crying about something that happened a week and some change ago."

  Tracy felt another sob crawl up her throat and swallowed it down as she slowly nodded.

  "Is it David?"