It's Wrong for Me to Love You

by Krystal Armstead

  I hesitated, not sure how to respond.

  Renée looked at me, hoping I’d respond to Jamie before he changed his mind. “C’mon, cuz, say something! The doctor says that you need help. We’re here to help you. You have a weak heart, you have fluid around your heart, and you can’t keep trying to take care of yourself by yourself. You don’t have to when you have friends who love and care about you.” Renée’s cell phone rang in her purse. “I know that’s Mom calling.” She looked at me. “Just let me know where you want me to take your stuff. I’m gonna head over to your dorm tonight to pack everything up. On Monday, I’ll go talk to your professors to let them know what’s going on. I have all the medical paperwork that they need. I’m going to see how they can accommodate you while you’re on bed rest these next few weeks.” Renée came over to kiss me on the forehead. “Love you, cuz. I’ll call you later.” She looked over at Jamie. “Take care of my baby, will you?”

  He nodded.

  Alisha sighed, getting up from the chair. “I’m sorry to ruin the moment, but there are two people in Maryland that I don’t trust, and that’s Charlie’s and Jamie’s triflin’ asses. So if I were you, I wouldn’t trust Jamie. I’m sorry, Cutie, but you know I’m team Aaron all the way. Jamie is nothing but trouble. I’m tellin’ you, Charlie has plans for you, and I’m warning you, her plans include him.”

  Renée rolled her eyes, pulling Alisha by the arm. “Okay, Alisha, you said what you had to say, so let’s go. Later, guys.”

  Alisha and Renée left the room, leaving Jamie and me there alone.

  We sat there in awkward silence. I had so much to say to him, but had no idea where to start. I’d forced myself to forget about Jamie over the past four years. It hurt like hell being in his presence, seeing his face again.

  “Jamie, my heart is broken, literally,” I whispered.

  He just looked at me.

  “I’m really—I mean, really—vulnerable right now. I haven’t been taking care of myself for some time. I’ve done some things that I normally wouldn’t do, because I’m tired of being lonely. I’m stubborn, I know. I just have been doing things my way, on my own, for so long. My heart is really confused right now, so whatever you do, don’t play games with it. This heart of mine refuses to let you break it again. I don’t wanna love you again, Jamie. My heart can’t take it.” I shook my head at him.

  Jamie looked at me earnestly.

  “If I stay with you for a little while, it’s just as a houseguest. I’m not your girl; you’re not my man. Just keep doin’ you, groupies and all.” I dried my tears. “It is what it is, Jamie, so don’t try to make it something that it’s not. I don’t wanna love you, so don’t try to make me,” I whispered, watching him gathering my personal belongings. He wasn’t really listening to me once he heard that I agreed to go home with him.

  * * *

  Needless to say, Jamie’s home in the countryside was spectacular. It didn’t feel anything like being in Maryland. I felt so at home, so at peace, so comfortable. His home looked like it sat right in the middle of the Garden of Eden. There were gardeners all around the home, planting flowers, watering the grass, trimming the hedges. He had an outside pool, tennis court, basketball court, a pool house, and two guesthouses behind the mansion. Jamie had about seven sports cars and two antique cars lining the driveway. He finally did it, and I hate to admit it, but I was really proud of him. He wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t have it easy. His life was just as painful as mine was.

  Jamie had to leave the hospital while I was waiting to be discharged. He had one of his nurses pick me up at the hospital that afternoon. She was about twenty-four years old, sexy, cute, brown-skinned, shapely, and dimply. Her name was Helen. She was going to be my personal nurse for the next two weeks. I rode to Jamie’s mansion with her in her new black 2015 Mercedes-Benz, probably paid for in full by Jamie. Helen didn’t say much to me until we pulled up into Jamie’s driveway and she saw the awestruck look on my face as I stared out the window in wonder at Jamie’s world.

  “So,” Helen’s voice broke my trance, “you’re that lady that’s making it hard for everyone else? Wow, it’s nice to finally meet that special someone who keeps Mr. Green from settling down.”

  I looked at her. “Wh-what?” I was still stunned by my surroundings, including her.

  Helen grinned, one dimple piercing her left cheek. “I’ve seen a lot of girlfriends come and go. I’ve been working for Jamie for the past two-and-a-half years. Jamie is a pretty closed book. He doesn’t open up to anyone. Pamela Rhodes was his last girlfriend. They dated for about a year. She loved that boy, despite all of his women, but she got tired of competing with those women and with football. I must say, you’re the first girl who’s ever lived with him.”

  I shook my head frantically. “Helen, no, we’re not living together. Oh my goodness. My cousin thinks that I need someone to make sure I take my medications. The doctors wouldn’t let me leave unless I was under a nurse’s supervision. Jamie volunteered to let me stay here for a while until I was released from bed rest.”

  “And why do you think that is?” Helen took off her seat belt.

  I looked at her.

  She looked at me. “You’ve known Jamie a long time?”

  I nodded, my eyes growing misty, tears already lining my lashes. I hated reminiscing. “Yeah, ummm, since we were about three years old. He stayed with his aunt and older sister on Fort Meade. He spent the school year here in Maryland, and the summer and holidays back in Memphis. We were, umm . . . He was my best friend. It hurt when he left me. I loved him for a long time.”

  A sympathetic look swept across Helen’s face. “Well, the fact that he’s here says a lot. He wasn’t supposed to even move back to Maryland for another three months, and he wasn’t supposed to move into this house until around March. He completely changed his life plans to include you, sweetie, so please remember that.”

  I looked at her. She felt some type of way about me. I wasn’t crazy. She was more than Jamie’s father’s nurse. She had feelings for him. “You know, you’re one nosy nurse,” I whispered, taking my seat belt off.

  Helen laughed a little. “Oh, sweetie, I’m much more than a nurse. You shall see.” She popped the trunk open to her car, then opened her door to help me out.

  I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. “What the fuck was I thinking coming here?” I said aloud to myself as I opened the door.

  Helen closed the trunk. I heard the sound of tiny wheels rolling against the concrete. She pushed a wheelchair over to my side.

  I looked up at her.

  She smiled, holding out her hand to help me out of the car. “Your chariot awaits.”

  I sighed, taking her hand, as she helped me out of the car.

  * * *

  I felt like I was in a fancy hotel room. Maids brought me fresh warm towels. They washed my clothes and even brought me pajamas to put on. African maids washed, brushed, and styled my hair. The Jamaican cook brought my plate to my room. Jamie even had a massage therapist give me an hour-long massage. Helen sat with me while I had my back, shoulders, arms, and legs massaged. My blood pressure was watched all through the day. I wasn’t doing well. It was nowhere near going down.

  It was 8:30 that Saturday night. I lay back in the bed, eating fresh fruit, watching reruns of Martin on the 42-inch, flat-screen TV. Renée had been texting me all day and messaging me on Facebook. Charlie unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me from looking at her page. Aaron messaged me on Facebook. “I miss you.” That’s what he had the nerve to say. I tossed my cell in the corner of the room, sighed, and ran my fingers through my hair. It was raining cats and dogs outside. It matched my situation, because it was raining cats and dogs in my life.

  There was a knock at my bedroom door.

  “Come in.” I sat up in bed.

  The door slowly opened, and Jamie entered the room. I could smell his cologne from the door. He was dressed in all blue from head to toe, looking like he was
about to head to the club. He was blinged out from his ears to his wrists.

  I sighed as he walked into my room.

  “What’s up, shorty?” he asked, coming over to the bed, sitting down at my side.

  I looked at him, not really sure what else to say but, “Thank you.”

  Jamie looked at me, nodding. “No need to thank me. It’s the least I can do. You deserve someone to take care of you. You deserve the best, and I’m here to give it to you.”

  I looked him up and down a little. He looked just like a bottle of vintage wine. Time sure did change that boy for the better. I hesitated, “You gotta date or something?”

  Jamie laughed. “A date? Nah, I had to meet my agent in D.C. You know I dress to impress wherever I go, shorty. I haven’t changed that much.” He looked at me. “You had a bath? You eat good? Helen treating you right?”

  I nodded. “Yes to all of the above.”

  Jamie’s eyes searched mine. “I started not to come in your room. I promised you that you wouldn’t know I’m here, but my dad is flying in from Tennessee in a few hours on a medical plane. I just wanted to make sure you were okay with meeting him. He’s been asking about you.”

  I wasn’t really sure what to say to him. His father was the reason that he left me.

  Jamie held my face in his hands, knowing that hearing about his father was going to have me emotional.

  I pushed him off me. “Don’t touch me, Jamie!”

  He instantly put his hands up. “I’m sorry.” His eyes glistened.

  There was a tap at the bedroom door before Helen entered the room. She grinned when she saw Jamie sitting there with me. “Time for your meds.” She came over to my side with a glass of cold water and a medicine cup full of pills. She handed them to me and watched as I swallowed all the pills, washing them down with the entire glass of water. She nodded at me as I handed her the empty glass and pill cup. “Don’t you two have a date tonight?” she asked.

  I looked at Jamie, who sat there laughing to himself. I looked back at Helen. “Ummm, my blood pressure is already high enough. Don’t get me started, okay?”

  Helen grinned. “Well, to get the ball rolling, I found something.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a photo, handing it to me.

  I looked down at the photo, immediately covering my mouth in astonishment. It was a picture of Jamie, my sister, my brother, Jamie’s cousin Fred, and his cousin Janet at my eighth birthday party. My pretty lace dress was covered in dirt. I think Jamie and I had gotten into a fight that day over a game of tag. He was always claiming someone cheated whenever he didn’t win at a game. He always was a sore loser. Regardless of my soiled dress, I was happy. There I was, on Jamie’s back, legs wrapped around his waist. We all had the biggest smiles on our faces. We were happy. My mom had OD’ed the night before and was not at my party, but Aunt Joyce threw the party for me at her house. I don’t know why Charlie wasn’t there, but I do remember that the biggest present on the table was from her: my Barbie Dream House.

  “Oh my goodness, Helen! Where did you find this?” I exclaimed.

  “Oh, in one of Jamie’s photo albums. There’s a lot more of these in the family room.” Helen glanced at Jamie. “Well, I’m going to head out to the guesthouse to get some sleep before Mr. James Green shows up and shows out.” Then she exited the room.

  I just sat there with the picture held tightly against my chest, over my heart. Tears slid down my face. “Oh my goodness, this picture brings back so many memories!” I cried to myself.

  “I never meant to break your heart, shorty.” Jamie responded, after watching me embrace the picture.

  I looked at him, drying my face, heart beating strong in my chest, even though I could feel it trembling. I shook my head at him. “Jamie,” I handed the picture to him, “I told you no reminiscing. No more confusion, okay?”

  “I just wanna help, shorty. I’m supposed to be at an event tonight in Baltimore. I’m late actually. My agent, Rodney, is gonna kill me.” Jamie laughed to himself.

  “Then maybe you should go. You have your career to think about. Your staff will take care of me. This hasn’t been your job for four years, Jamie,” I whispered.

  He looked at me. “But I wanna take care of you.” He placed his warm hand on my thigh.

  A surge of energy soared through my body. His hands were so strong, so warm, so gentle, so soothing. My heart was racing. No, no, I couldn’t let him get to my heart. I pushed his hand off my thigh.

  “J-Jamie, you-you should go. Please,” I begged him.

  His eyes searched my face. “Do you remember our first kiss?”

  I looked at him, my lips trembling. Why was he torturing me?

  Our first kiss was in my aunt’s backyard. I was thirteen. That was also the night Jamie wanted to try “other” things. He snuck me into his room at his older sister’s house, at around 1:00 in the morning. He asked to shave my coochie. I was so scared, but let him do it. I wasn’t ready for sex. We were too young. But when he asked to kiss my pussy, I let him, not knowing what he actually meant. He kissed it all right—he sucked it, licked it, and he chewed on it. He made my pussy explode in his mouth. I didn’t have a problem feeling on him, jacking him off, or sucking on him. That was our thing. Before we officially started dating, we were having oral sex. That was our way of being intimate for about three years. Yeah, I was young and in love with that boy.

  “How could I forget?” I rolled my eyes, playing off the fact that I still held on to that kiss.

  “Shorty, you know I have been with a lot of girls, but none of them felt quite like you. I miss your lips, your hands, your skin, your touch.” Jamie licked his lips. “I know I can’t take anything back that I have done, but I mean it when I say that I miss you. I don’t know what I have to do to make it up to you, but can I just start by taking you on a date? I know you can’t leave the house, but I have something set up in a room down the hallway.”

  I shook my head. He already had my whole body trembling. I wasn’t sure how much more of him I could handle tonight. “Jamie, no, I can’t. This is already too much. I can’t handle any more surprises.”

  Jamie held my hand, gently lifting me from the bed. “Nah, shorty, I think you’ll like this surprise.” He felt my hand trembling in his. “Want me to carry you?”

  I hesitated as he scooped me up in arms, carrying me over to the wheelchair. He wheeled me down the long hallway to another room. He opened the door, and we went inside. It was a recording studio. My mouth dropped open as he shut the door behind him.

  “A recording studio, Jamie!” I exclaimed.

  He laughed to himself as he helped me out of the wheelchair. “Just another one of my moneymakers. I have a few artists already scheduled to record records starting next week, shorty. I would love to get your voice recorded.”

  I shook my head. “No, Jamie, I don’t think so.”

  He chuckled. “Shorty, don’t act like you’re shy. You just sang in front of hundreds of people last night at the club. Not to mention you’re the star soloist in the Gospel choir at your school. You should do something with that voice. C’mon, shorty. I even wrote a song for your cousin, D-Allan.”

  I laughed a little. Of all the skills Jamie had, writing wasn’t one of them. He suffered from dyslexia. Fortunately for technology, Jamie made it through school by talking into a microphone connected to his Mac desktop computer to complete his homework assignments, projects, and book reports. If he did write a song, he probably used the microphone on his cell phone to write it. As hard as it must have been for Jamie to adjust to a life without being able to read, his memory was amazing. I would help him memorize book reports in school. I’m talking book reports ranging from five to ten pages. The boy had skills.

  “Okay, let me hear it.” I sat in a chair in front of the equipment.

  Jamie looked at me. “Why you gotta laugh, yo? You think that I’m lyin’?” He sat in a chair, facing me. “Why would I lie about writing a song for someone, s
horty?”

  “I wanna hear the song.” I looked at him.

  He sighed. “Okay, shorty, you got me. It’s not finished because I can’t get the hook down.”

  “Well, what’s the song about?” I hesitated.

  He looked at me. “About this girl that he loved but lost because he did something stupid. The song describes everything that he likes about the girl, from her hair all the way down to her toes. Any nigga who’s been in love with a girl can feel me on this song.”

  I looked at Jamie. “So, this is why you brought me into your studio? To help you with lyrics to your song? I’m really not in the mood for any singing tonight, sweetie.”

  He grinned, turning on his equipment. Everything lit up. “Do you remember our first dance?” he asked.

  I looked at him, heart fluttering in my chest, as my favorite song started playing.

  Our first dance was when I was fourteen, the summer before tenth grade, at Jamie’s fifteenth birthday party. The song was “Slow Down.” I held on to him tight. He held my hips, gripping my dress in his hands, and he whispered in my ear, telling me that that night, he wanted to make love. He knew I wasn’t ready, but he said he would take care of me. That he wouldn’t hurt me. That night over at his sister’s house, in his bedroom, Jamie talked me out of my panties. I cried the entire time. He practically ripped my panties off that night. I bled all over his sheets. I must have had a hundred hickies all over my body. He kissed and sucked all the way from my forehead to my pinky toe. Our bodies were drenched in sweat and tears. He sucked my nipples, neck, back, stomach, thighs, and clit until they were throbbing. My body was sensitive to touch for weeks afterward. We cried in each other’s arms that night. No birth control, no condoms, no contraceptives. Getting pregnant was the furthest thing from my mind. I think I even wanted the boy’s child at that young age, that’s how sprung he had me back in high school. The very next morning, I woke up to an empty room. He was gone and that was the last time that I saw his face up until my nineteenth birthday.