It's Wrong for Me to Love You

by Krystal Armstead

  “How could I forget our first dance? That was also the night that we made love for four hours straight. The very next morning, you left me, Jamie!” I exclaimed.

  Jamie dug in his pocket. “Yeah, I left with these.” He took what looked like pink silk cloth out of his pocket.

  I snatched it from him. “What the hell is—” I stopped when I held it in my hand, noticing what it was the panties I’d worn that night. I blushed, handing them back to him. “Jamie, that’s gross. Why the hell do you still have these?”

  He laughed.

  I rolled my eyes, trying to play off my embarrassment. “Another pair to add to the collection, huh?”

  He shook his head. “Nah, what collection? I took this pair from you so that I could always remember that night. I felt like I was in heaven with you, shorty. I didn’t wanna leave you, baby, I swear I didn’t. My sister woke me up that morning, cursing me the fuck out about having you in my room. We were both drunk, butt naked, and lying on top of the covers! My dad was outside waiting. I didn’t get a chance to explain. I didn’t even get the chance to shower or pack. My sister had my shit downstairs, in two black duffle bags. Not only was she tired of me getting into trouble, but my dad wanted to know me too, so she sent me to stay with him.”

  “I cried for two whole years after you left, Jamie. I really missed you.” I shook my head at him.

  “I missed you, too.”

  “I waited for you as long as I could. Four years, Jamie—four long-ass, muthafuckin’ years! You made me feel like I was special that night, Jamie. You held me, you kissed me, you touched me, you made love to me—then you just left! It took a long time to shake the sensation of you kissing me and humpin’ me. I felt you inside of me for a long time. You remember the way you beat it up, Jamie.” My eyes searched his face. “You didn’t care that I was a virgin. You ignored my whimpering and crying. You were not gentle at all.”

  Jamie laughed a little. “Hey, I waited all of my life to get it, shorty. I wasn’t playin’ no games, was I?”

  I shook my head at him. “Jamie, this is not a joke.”

  Jamie’s eyes traced my lips. “I also knew that I was leaving and I probably would never get it again. I cried in your arms that night, Ne’Vaeh. I wasn’t crying just because you felt amazing—I was crying because I knew I was leaving you when you needed me the most.”

  My chest began to hurt. I stood from the chair. The song was bringing back hurtful memories. It was bringing back moments that were bittersweet. Moments that I wasn’t ready to relive. “Jamie, can you just turn this song off? I can’t do this.” I tried my hardest not to let the memories of us make me break down and cry over him. “I really don’t wanna relive the past, okay? I told you at the hospital that you need to keep the sentimental shit to yourself.”

  Jamie stood from his chair and reached for my wrist, pulling me to him. “Ne’Vaeh, you have to forgive me.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t have to do anything tonight. And don’t you have some place to be, Jamie?”

  Jamie nodded, pulling my body up against his. “Yeah, right here.” He looked down into my face.

  I looked up into his face, lips trembling. “I’m . . . I’m supposed to be in bed.”

  Jamie grinned a little. “Well, let’s go then.”

  I shook my head, but Jamie scooped me up into his arms. I thought he was taking me into his bedroom, but he was taking me to the spa room. He gently let my feet down to the floor. Scented candles were lit all around the room. I faced Jamie as he removed his jewelry. He unbuttoned his shirt. He removed it, then pulled me closer to him by the drawstring of my pajama pants. My entire body trembled against his as he slid his hands around my waist.

  “Strip.” His voice serenaded my heart.

  I looked up at him, “What?”

  “Strip,” he repeated.

  I shook my head, trying to back away. “Jamie, now, if you think—”

  He laughed a little. “I’m not trying to fuck you, shorty. I just wanna make you feel good. Your doctor says you need to ease your mind. I’m about to help you do that. Besides, you owe me a date.”

  I hesitated.

  Jamie laughed to himself, standing there in his wife beater. Chest, muscles, chocolaty skin exposed. He was driving me crazy when I was trying my best to hate his guts. “C’mon, shorty. Take off them clothes and get up on the bed. It ain’t like I haven’t seen you naked before. You remember it was me who showed you how to use a tampon. I even helped you find the muthafucka the day you ‘lost the string.’ There’s nothing on your body that I haven’t seen already—I have seen your everything, shorty.”

  I blushed a little as I pulled the drawstring to my pants and dropped them to the floor, stepping out of them. I slipped my tank top over my head, then stood there in my panties, arms across my chest. I was embarrassed and nervous as hell.

  Jamie couldn’t help but burst out laughing.

  “What? Oh my goodness, this situation is awkward enough, Jamie! Why the hell are you laughing at me?” I exclaimed.

  “I mean, c’mon. You standing there covering up your titties like I never seen them. I mean, I have seen a naked girl before, shorty. You are fine as hell, I’m not gonna lie. But I’m not here for that tonight. C’mon, take your panties off and get on the table.”

  I slipped my panties off and climbed onto the bed, lying on my stomach. I braced myself as Jamie stood alongside the table. He placed his warm hands on my toes. He worked his way from my toes to my calves. It took everything I had not to scream out in pleasure that night. His fingertips dug into my skin as if he was kneading dough. I mean, there wasn’t a part of my body that Jamie didn’t touch that night. My whole body was paralyzed as he stroked the insides of my thighs. His thumbs grazed against my pussy lips as he kneaded my butt cheeks. My whole body was in heat. I was coated in sweat by the time he started massaging my lower back. As he massaged the middle of my back, his hands slid under each breast. Purposely, he grazed his fingers across my nipples. I was on fire. I couldn’t take anymore.

  “Jamie, stop!” I squealed, sitting up from the bed. I had to have had at least two or three mental orgasms from his touch. My thighs, toes, pussy, and nipples were tingling and throbbing.

  Jamie looked at me. He was breathing rapidly as he watched me get up from the bed, barely able to stand on my own two feet. He watched me grab my clothes from the floor and struggle to slide into my panties.

  “Shorty.” He grabbed my hands.

  I looked up into his eyes, chest heaving in and out. “Jamie, this is too much. I can’t handle shit like this! You know I can’t handle shit like this!” I exclaimed, sliding my hands from his. I put on my tank top, which was sticking to my skin. I was sweaty as hell and needed a shower, but I knew I was too weak to stand. I braced my body up against the massage bed.

  Jamie grinned, bending over to pick my pants off the floor. “Felt good, huh?”

  I looked up at him, snatching the pants from him. “You said you weren’t trying to fuck. Well, that sure as hell felt like fuckin’ to me, Jamie!”

  He laughed. “I still got it, huh?”

  I shook my head. “Jamie, please. Stop, okay? Why are you doing this?”

  His eyes searched mine.

  “You know I’m not this kind of girl. I made some pretty irrational choices these past few weeks, I’ll admit to that. But I’m not about to make any more. Don’t try to change your lifestyle just because you think you got me back in your life again. I’m not about to have a NSA relationship with you, and you damn sure know I’m not about to be your girl again after all of these years.” I struggled to get back into my pants. “I have heart failure, Jamie. I need someone who will help heal my heart, not break the muthafucka!”

  “Ne’Vaeh, you’re the only girl I wanna be with. You know I love sex. You know I love pussy. I love your pussy. You know I never cheated on you when we were together. I’d never cheat on you. I can take care of your heart, Ne’Vaeh. You remember how it fel
t when we were together. I can bring that feeling back—and then some. I can make you forget that I ever left. When you want me, shorty, just let me know.” Jamie backed away a little.

  I wasn’t sure what to say.

  “You need help back to your room?” He hesitated.

  I shook my head, “No, Jamie. I’ll just walk slowly. Please, just leave me alone.”

  He nodded. “All right. Well, I’m gonna go meet Rodney. Welcome home, shorty.” Jamie grabbed his shirt and jewelry and walked out of the room.

  Chapter 12

  The Funeral

  Ne’Vaeh

  I don’t think I slept that entire night. Helen came into my room at least every hour, checking my vitals, which hadn’t improved. Once Jamie’s father arrived with the other live-in nurse, the house was buzzing again. Paramedics wheeled Mr. James Green to his room. I stood in the doorway of my room watching as they wheeled him down the hallway early that morning, around 2:45. Jamie hadn’t arrived back at home yet. Mr. James looked at me as they wheeled him down the hallway to his room. He didn’t wave or say hello, but he winked his eye at me.

  I sat in my bed that night and found myself waiting up for Jamie, and it seemed that Helen was waiting for him as well. She paced the floor for about two hours. When she checked my blood pressure around 3:30 that morning, I had to find out a little more about her.

  “You’re kinda sexy for a nurse. How did you even meet Jamie?” I asked after she swept the thermometer across my forehead.

  “Girl, you are burning up! Here, take these ibuprofens.” She handed me two pills.

  I looked at her as she handed me a glass of water.

  She watched as I swallowed the pills, then chased them down with cold water.

  I handed her the glass, wiping the water from my lips.

  Helen looked at me. “My girlfriend and I had a threesome with Jamie about three years ago at a frat party while I was in nursing school.”

  My mouth dropped open a little. I don’t think I was prepared for that answer. “Seriously?”

  Helen laughed. “Seriously. Whenever Jamie wants a threesome, I hook him up. I go after the girls with him.”

  “Wow. You really are the head nurse.” I shook my head.

  Helen laughed aloud. “Whatever Jamie wants, he gets. He’s payin’, so I’ll provide the service. We have fun, honey. No strings attached. Yeah, I have sucked on his dick with a few chicks, but I don’t let him penetrate me. I’m more into women, to be honest. They’ll do anything to be with him, even if that includes being with me too. He fucks the pussy. I eat the pussy, but not before they have a full physical.”

  Jamie was living the life, that’s for damn sure.

  Helen looked at me. “You’re not upset?”

  I looked at her. “Why should I be? Did you expect me to be? Jamie is not my man.”

  Helen grinned. “Then why are you waiting up for him?”

  I looked at her, rolling my eyes. “Why are you waiting up for him?”

  She laughed to herself. “I’m just hoping he has a surprise for me when he gets back, that’s all. It’s been a few weeks since I had some pussy. My girlfriend is back in Tennessee. She doesn’t come up for another few weeks. And Jamie tells me you’re off-limits, so—”

  I laughed aloud. “Oh my goodness! Girl, I needed that laugh! If I wanted to play with some pussy, I can play with my own, thank you very much!”

  Helen laughed too. “You don’t have to worry about me and Jamie, sweetie. I’m expendable, just like the rest of ’em.”

  My eyes sparkled. It was going to be a long two weeks.

  * * *

  For nearly a whole week, Jamie had pool parties. I stayed in my room the entire time, only coming out to go to the masseuse. I had a full-sized bathroom in my room. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were brought to me in bed. I can’t tell you how many nights I heard females giggling, tiptoeing past my room and down the hallway, at all times of the night. I’m pretty sure Helen was happy. She was glowing all weeklong. I don’t think there was a day that she wasn’t smiling from ear to ear.

  Jamie hadn’t spoken to me all week. In fact, he didn’t step within five feet of my bedroom door. He didn’t care that I knew that there were at least three or four female voices coming past my room every night. He didn’t care that I could see the pool from my bedroom window. At least twice that week, I saw him having sex with someone in his pool. I tried not to let it bother me because I was the one who told him to do him. He was mad at me. He was upset with me for being in love with Aaron. He knew that was part of the reason why I didn’t want to fall back in love with him again.

  It had only been two weeks since I’d had sex with Aaron. Aaron had messaged me about fourteen times on Facebook. I guess he didn’t get it. He was engaged. It was bad enough that Charlie was pregnant. It was even worse that they were getting married. He had me fucked up if he thought that after all of the drama that had happened over the course of two weeks, I would even want to message him on social media. I was detoxing off him. I was clearing every trace of Aaron from my system, and I wasn’t about to replace one addiction with another.

  The following week, on day ten, I decided to leave my room and pay Mr. James a visit. I tiptoed down the hallway to his room. It was about 10:15 at night. When I arrived at his room, Helen and the other nurse, Kristen, were changing his IVs.

  Helen looked up at me as I entered the room. Her eyes sparkled, and she shook her head at me.

  “He . . . He’s not doing well.”

  I hesitated to ask, already having a gut feeling of what the answer would be.

  Helen shook her head. “He has a fever that refuses to go down. We’re taking him to the hospital tonight.”

  Mr. James looked at me, his eyes watering. “Hello, young lady,” he whispered, his voice shaking. He couldn’t have been over fifty-five. He looked like death, literally.

  “Mr. James, what happened to you?” I had to know.

  Mr. James looked away from me. “Life,” he struggled to say. “Whatever you do, don’t let it get to you.” He looked back up at me. “He didn’t mean to leave you. Don’t think it was easy for my son, because it wasn’t.”

  I looked at him.

  “I needed my son. I never got the chance to know him because his mother and aunts kept him from me. When I finally found out where he was, I just showed up at his doorstep. I told him I was dying of kidney failure. I drank and smoked my life away, sweetheart. Turns out, I had lung cancer too. And six months ago, I was diagnosed with liver cancer.” His chest heaved in and out. You could hear the guttural sounds from within his chest. “I-I guess it’s my time.”

  My eyes watered. I looked up at Helen and Kristen. “Has anyone called Jamie?”

  Helen nodded. “Yes. He’s on his way. But we can’t wait for him.”

  Sirens wailed outside of the bedroom window.

  Kristen’s light eyes focused on me. She was a petite, white girl with tan skin, blond hair, and blue eyes. She was Helen’s roommate in college. “That’s the paramedics,” she spoke with a country twang. She left Mr. James’s side and hurried off to meet them.

  Mr. James reached for my hand. “If I’m not here when Jamie gets to the hospital, you tell him that I love him and—” Mr. James coughed violently.

  “Stop talking, Mr. Green!” Helen exclaimed.

  Mr. James shook his head. “Marry my son,” he begged me.

  I looked at him, shaking my head at him. “Mr. James, Jamie isn’t ready for me.”

  He smiled. “Make him ready.”

  Paramedics rushed into the room, pushing their way past me. Helen held my arm, gently pulling me out of the way and out of the room.

  Tears slid down my face as we watched the paramedics wheel Mr. James out of the room.

  “He’s not going to make it, is he?” I whispered.

  Helen shook her head. “No, he’s not, and I don’t think Jamie is going to make it back in time to say good-bye either. He’s coming from Virgi
nia Beach, and he’s about an hour away.” Helen looked at me. “Your vitals are pretty good today. Your blood pressure has gone down to normal. You only have to be here about two more days to be monitored. But I don’t want you at the hospital with us. You’re still pretty fragile, sweetie.”

  I looked at her.

  “I really wanna be there with Mr. James tonight. But if you need me here—” Helen burst out crying.

  I shook my head, rubbing her shoulder. “I’ll be okay. You should go with them.”

  Helen threw her arms around me, hugging me tightly, before hurrying down the hallway after the paramedics.

  I stayed up all night, until around 4:00, waiting on a phone call or someone to come home. I sat up, wide awake, when there was a knock at my bedroom door. I looked up to see Jamie entering my room. I stood from the bed, my heart pounding in my chest as he walked toward me.

  Jamie’s face was flushed. His eyes were puffy. He shook his head before throwing his arms around me. I surrounded him in my arms, running my hands across his head, and he cried like a baby in my arms. “He’s gone!” He wailed, his face buried in my neck.

  He cried himself to sleep in my arms that night. I didn’t get any more than maybe fifteen or twenty minutes of sleep that night. I lay on my bed, arms around Jamie, his face buried in between my breasts. My shirt was soaked in tears. I wasn’t ready for Mr. James’s death any more than Jamie was. I knew in my heart that Jamie wanted me to go with him to his father’s funeral. My heart was still recovering from the nightmares of going to my little brother’s funeral. There was no way I could handle going with Jamie to see his father being buried.

  Jamie awoke that morning, looking into my face.

  I looked down at him, eyes moist.

  “Was it a dream?” he whispered.

  I shook my head. “No, Jamie.”

  Jamie lifted his head from my chest, sitting up in bed.

  I looked at him, then took his hand in mine.

  Jamie looked at me. “I knew this was coming, but I guess I wasn’t prepared.”

  “You can’t prepare yourself for your father’s death, sweetie. I can only imagine what you’re going through. I still see my brother’s blue face, lying lifeless in his bed.” Tears trickled down my face.