It's Wrong for Me to Love You

by Krystal Armstead

  Jamie’s eyes were coated in tears. “I don’t know how you do it, shorty. I don’t even know how I’m gonna get through this. I was just gettin’ to know Pops. I gotta take him back to Memphis this week to bury him. I gotta get my agent or my manager to let everyone know about Pop’s funeral. Everybody loved him, man. You would have loved him too.”

  I hesitated to tell him what his father told me before he died. “I talked to him last night before the paramedics arrived.”

  Jamie looked at me, tears sliding down his face. “Yeah? What did he say to you?”

  “That . . . that he loves you very much,” I whispered.

  His eyes searched my face. “Did he say anything else, shorty?”

  I hesitated before I shook my head. “No.”

  Jamie exhaled deeply before getting up from the bed.

  I knew it wasn’t the time to confront him about the women, but before he asked me to go with him to Memphis, I had to let him know that I saw him in the pool. “I saw you with those girls in the pool, Jamie,” I blurted out before I lost my nerve to confront him.

  He looked at me.

  “Jamie, it hurt to see those girls with you in the pool,” I admitted.

  His eyes dampened.

  “You have a live-in freak who is down for whatever! You have girls tiptoeing past my room every night! I can hear the headboard knocking against the damn wall for fuckin’ hours! You fucked the shit out of that little Puerto Rican girl in the pool the other night! You had hoes lined up around the pool, waiting on you as you fucked the person in front of them! I watched this shit, Jamie!” I pushed him in his chest.

  Jamie laughed a little to himself to hide his pain. “Are they still here?”

  “Is who still here, Jamie?” I asked.

  “The hoes,” he replied. “Are they still here? I only see one female standing here, sleeping in my house, getting waited on hand and foot by people who work for me. This is my world that you’re in, Ne’Vaeh. There is nobody here with me but you.”

  I shook my head at him, not really feeling like hearing his twisted reasoning for why he did the things that he did.

  “Helen is a down-ass chick. Yeah, she’d do whatever for me. She takes care of me mentally and sexually. Nah, we haven’t had actual intercourse, but she’s done some things with me to other women. She’s my friend, but if you said you wanted her gone, she’d be dismissed. Ne’Vaeh, you pissed me the fuck off when I found out you were fuckin’ Charlie’s man, yo!” Jamie exclaimed.

  “So, you didn’t wait for me, yet you thought I was supposed to wait for you?” I questioned.

  He nodded. “Yeah, I know I’m an asshole for saying that, but, yes, I expected you to wait for me! I’m not gonna lie. I have cravings, but none of it compares to my feelings for you. When I’m with the other girls, I’m always thinking about you, shorty. My father died, and you steppin’ to me about hoes and shit, Ne’Vaeh? If you want me, then I’ll leave it all alone. But until then, shorty, you can really stay the fuck out of my business.”

  Damn, that hurt like hell.

  I laughed to myself, trying my damnedest not to cry. “Well, Helen said that I was gonna be okay to leave in a few days since my blood pressure has improved. She says I can go back to my regularly scheduled program, so I called Renée and she’s coming to get me on Friday morning. So, sweetie, I’d be glad to ‘stay the fuck out of your business.’”

  Jamie’s eyes just searched my face. He looked at me as if he was expecting me to stay with him permanently.

  I shook my head, looking up at him. “Jamie, I can’t live with you. I love it out here in the country, in your beautiful home, but I can’t stay here and watch groupies fuck you in your outdoor pool. I’m sorry if I’m being inconsiderate of your feelings, I’m sorry if your father just passed away, but I’ve held this in for nearly a week and a half. I can’t be your friend, Jamie. We’re not friends anymore. I can’t trust you to be here for me when I need you. All I can trust you to do is hurt me. I know you just lost your father and you need some comfort right now, but I can’t do it. Why don’t you ask Helen? I’m sure she wouldn’t mind going with you.” I walked past him, but Jamie caught my arm, pulling me back.

  I looked up at him as he let go of my arm.

  “I need you in Tennessee with me, shorty. You know I need you.” Tears slid down his face. I hated seeing him upset. Seeing Jamie cry was breaking my heart. He was always so carefree and nonchalant about everything. Seeing that he still had a heart gave mine a little boost.

  My eyes moistened. “Jamie, no, I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

  “Ne’Vaeh, I know I wasn’t here for you when you needed me, but, shorty, I need you to be here with me. Please. I’ll do anything just to have you there. Don’t leave me.”

  How could I look him in that face and walk away from him? He needed me. I was so angry with him, but I had to let go of my own selfish feelings and be there to hold his hand.

  * * *

  I had never been to Memphis, Tennessee. Up until that point, the only people I had met in Jamie’s family were his oldest sister and his aunt Bethany. The family church was crowded beyond capacity. I had no idea Jamie’s family was so huge. His father’s side of the family was on one side of the church. His mother and her side of the family were on the other side of the church. I’m sure there were some of Jamie’s groupies scattered in there somewhere. Helen and her family were there. Kristen and her family were there. Jamie’s entire college football team was there to support him. A few of his new Ravens teammates were there to support him. His agent and old and new coaches were there. Friends from our high school in Maryland were there, including Alisha and the entire cheerleading squad from our high school. Renée showed up with a few of her friends. I shouldn’t have been shocked to see Charlie there with a few of her family members. She grew up with Jamie, just as I did, but what did shock me was when she showed up with Aaron. It was too much for my heart to handle at the moment. Jamie needed me, and I had no time to get wrapped up in my confused feelings for Aaron.

  I sat with Jamie on the first row, on the side of the church where his father’s family sat. His father’s family was the only side of the family that supported him outside of his oldest sister Angelina and his Aunt Bethany. His mother barely looked at him while we were there, though she couldn’t keep her evil glare off me. Jamie gave his father a great homecoming with the best Gospel choir in Memphis. I had to hold my composure as the ceremony closed and we walked past his open casket upon leaving the church. I held Jamie’s hand tightly as we left the church, and Jamie broke down right there in front of his father. I never let go of his hand.

  I can’t see how people can eat after funerals. I lose my appetite as soon as I see the dead body in the casket. Jamie would not let my hand go the entire time that we were at the reception afterward. I had to basically pry his hand from mine when his agent called him over to talk with a few of his colleagues.

  Renée made her way over to me, throwing her arms around me. “Cuz, are you okay?”

  I was still shook from the entire event. “No, Renée, I’m not, but it’s not about me, it’s about Jamie.”

  She grinned a little. “C’mon, let’s go sit with the girls. I thought Jamie would never let your hand go. I think a part of that has to do with Aaron being here, but I’ll keep my thoughts to myself.”

  I rolled my eyes at her as she pulled me off to the table with her friends and my schoolmates.

  It didn’t take Charlie five minutes to make her way over to our table. I looked up at her as she approached, dressed in a peach Versace dress. “Ne’Vaeh, can we talk?” she asked.

  Alisha rolled her eyes. “C’mon, Charlie, we’re at a funeral. Are you serious?”

  Charlie ignored her. “I didn’t mean it when I called you a groupie.”

  I looked at her. “You know what, Charlie? I’m over that, I really am. You were upset, and you said the first thing to me that you knew would really hurt.”

/>   Her eyes sparkled. “Well, it’s nice to see you and Jamie back together again.”

  I looked at her. The only reason she even spoke to me was that she thought that Jamie and I were a couple. She just knew that since Jamie was back in the picture; that meant Aaron wasn’t. I shook my head at her, but before I could clarify, she walked away.

  “Oh my goodness!” I put my hand on my head in frustration. “Who is saying this shit? Who the hell started the rumor that me and Jamie are back together?”

  “It wasn’t me!” Kelissa assured me, in her shaggy voice.

  Alisha looked at me. “It’s nice what you are doing for Jamie, but I heard about him and the parties at his place this week. You stayed with that nigga in the midst of all of that shit?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Okay, now who’s acting inappropriate at a funeral?”

  Alisha shook her head, “I’m just saying. Shiddd, if I saw my boyfriend in the pool fuckin’ a bitch, I’d be ready to cut a muthafucka’s dick off in that bitch. I’d be like, ‘You wanna fuck, nigga? With what dick, nigga?’”

  Everyone burst out laughing.

  Alisha had no fuckin’ chill whatsoever.

  I rolled my eyes. “Look, let me clear the air for all of you—Jamie and me are not back together. He just lost his father, and as you could see, his entire family on his mother’s side, including his own damn mama, hasn’t said a word to him all day. I know what it’s like not to have your mother or father around. Jamie needs someone who cares, so it might as well be me.” My heart beat rapidly in my chest. “The man’s father just died, and y’all bitches are still with this drama shit? This is exactly why I don’t hang with y’all anymore!”

  Renée looked at me, watching the tears sliding down my cheeks. “Sweetie, you know Alisha is your girl. Her timing is whack as fuck, but you know she didn’t mean any harm.”

  Alisha looked at me. “Girl, you know I got love for you. I just don’t trust him. A nigga like that will murder your heart, girl, I’m tellin’ you. I’m just looking out for you, Cutie. Stay the fuck away from him!”

  Renée touched my hand. “You gonna be okay, cuz?”

  I shook my head. “I’m . . . I’m gonna go outside to get some air.” I got up from the table, hurrying outside, gasping for air.

  I exhaled as soon as I reached the outside of the church—only to run dead into Aaron. His eyes lit up a little when he saw me. I started to turn around and go back into the church.

  “Heaven,” he called out to my heart.

  I sighed, turning back around, facing him as he approached me.

  He smiled a little. “Well, look at you in your Christian Dior.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Hi, Aaron.”

  “‘Hi, Aaron’? That’s all I get?”

  I shrugged. “What more do you expect? Your fiancée already threatened to kill me if she saw me ‘so much as look at you in the wrong way.’ I really ain’t in the mood for her shit today. I don’t wanna have to fight a pregnant chick, but I will if I have to.”

  Aaron laughed a little. “How are you? How have you been?”

  I looked at him. I knew he’d heard where I had been the last two weeks. “Well taken care of, thank you for asking. What about you?”

  He replied, “You call fuckin’ bitches in your face being well-taken care of? Shorty, what are you doin’ with him?”

  I folded my arms. “Aaron, we’re at a funeral. He was my best friend since I was in fuckin’ day care. Do you actually think I wouldn’t come to his father’s funeral with him?”

  Aaron looked at me, eyes tracing my face. “You held his hand for the past three hours. Dude cried in your arms, on your shoulder, in your hair. Took dude until his agent called him over to let you out of his sight. I saw the way that he looked at you. I saw the way that he held you. Dude still has feelings for you. And after the way that he did you, the fact that you found it in your heart to come with the dude proves that you still love him too.”

  It took everything in me to fight away the tears. “Aaron, you need to mind your own damn business because you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  He laughed a little. “I don’t? So you’re not living with dude?”

  I looked at him. “First of all, Aaron, I’m not with Jamie. Second, if I was with Jamie, it would really be none of your fuckin’ business. And third, stop sending me messages on Facebook telling me how much you miss me! Stop fuckin’ with my heart, Aaron! We both agreed that things between us were over, so stop trying to reach out to me! What are you even doing here? You don’t even know Jamie. You just came here to fuck with me!”

  Aaron looked at me. “You didn’t answer me—are you living with him?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Since you heard so much shit, Aaron, did you hear that I have fuckin’ heart failure? He has the money and the nurses to provide home care for me so that I don’t have to sit alone in a fuckin’ hospital. You need to be worrying about your pregnant fiancée, instead of being overly concerned with shit that shouldn’t even concern you.”

  Aaron said, “I heard about your heart condition, and I’ve been worried about you.”

  I scoffed, rolling my eyes. “Aaron, please.”

  His eyes traced my lips for a few seconds. “My feelings for you haven’t changed, Heaven.”

  I looked up into his face. “Your ‘feelings’ for me? Let’s get something straight—there is no us. There never has been, and there never will be! I can’t help that as soon as you decided to build up the nerve to finally talk to me, Charlie decides to tell you that you’re gonna be a daddy. You need to concentrate on being a father to that baby and a support system for her. We did our wrong, Aaron. It’s over, Aaron.”

  His eyes searched my face. “You really feeling this dude? How much could he really care about you if he’s fuckin’ other females in your face, shorty?”

  I pushed him in his chest. “Isn’t that what you were doing to me for two years, Aaron?”

  He shook his head in disagreement. “I didn’t know how you felt about me until a few weeks ago, Heaven. Do you think I would actually be with Charlie if I knew how you felt about me? You can’t compare what Jamie’s doing to that, and you know it. You feeling him, Heaven? That’s the type of nigga you wanna be with? That’s the shit that you think you deserve?”

  “If I recall correctly, wasn’t it you who told me that I couldn’t give up on love? I thought you were the one who told me that I needed to give it a shot with him, that I needed someone to take care of me, that I needed love, that I couldn’t push everyone away who tries to love me,” I exclaimed.

  Aaron looked at me. “That was before I knew exactly what type of dude he is. Jamie doesn’t love you, shorty, at least not the way that he should. And you can’t love yourself all that much either if you can watch the dude fuck females in a pool outside of your window. One minute, you love me; then the next, you love him. Yeah, my niggas was right in high school when they told me that I was just gonna be a rebound if I ended up fuckin’ around with you, Heaven. I didn’t believe it, but turns out, they were right. One night, you’re suckin’ my dick, then the next, you’re suckin’ his.”

  “Go to hell, do you hear me!” I cried, as I turned from him to walk away. Aaron caught my hand, pulling me back to him.

  I pulled away. “Don’t touch me!” I cried. “Don’t you ever touch me!”

  “Yo.” I heard Jamie’s voice over my shoulder.

  I turned around to see Jamie and his crew walking toward us.

  I sighed, backing away from Aaron. “Jamie, please, don’t start—everything is fine.”

  “Yo,” Jamie approached my side, face-to-face with Aaron. “Charlie’s not out here, dawg. Maybe you should go find her.”

  “Bruh, I didn’t come here for any drama. I came to give my condolences for your loss.” Aaron looked Jamie dead in his face.

  Jamie shook his head. “Nah, you came here to fuck with Ne’Vaeh. Your chances with her have come and gone, muthafucka, so you need
to go find your girl and stay the fuck away from mine.”

  My mouth dropped open. I can’t believe the asshole was claiming me. I looked up at Jamie, then looked back up at Aaron.

  Aaron grinned a little, shaking his head at me. He backed up and walked away. He would respect Jamie at his father’s funeral. I wasn’t so sure he was going to respect him after that point, especially after he had heard about the events at Jamie’s house that past week.

  Jamie grabbed my hand, pulling me along with him away from the church.

  * * *

  “Why did you tell Aaron that I was your girl? You basically implied that we had gotten back together, Jamie!” I exclaimed that afternoon at his hotel room. “Are you the one spreading these fuckin’ rumors?”

  Jamie stood in the mirror removing his tie. He was heading out with his family members to some sort of football event at his college. “Shorty, you comin’ with me to Memphis State or what?”

  “Jamie! I know you heard my question! Why would you do that? Everybody at that funeral heard about your fuckin’ orgy in your fuckin’ pool! Do you think that if we were together I would put up with that type of shit?” I yelled.

  He turned around, facing me. “Why the fuck do you even care what he thinks, shorty?”

  I was trying to hold back the tears so hard that my lips were trembling. “What?”

  “No matter if he thinks you’re my girl, why does it matter to you?” He hesitated before saying, “You still wanna be with that nigga, is that it?”

  I pushed him in his chest. “Jamie, I don’t want people thinking that me and you are together and you’re fuckin’ around on me! I’ve looked stupid enough as it is! Just three weeks ago, I was sleeping with my best friend’s boyfriend and now, I’m—” I broke down and cried, “I’m with my ex-boyfriend at his father’s funeral. I’m staying in the house with my ex-boyfriend who thinks it’s cool to fuck females right in front of my face!”

  His eyes sparkled. “Shorty, I wasn’t trying to make you look stupid.” He hesitated. “It hurt seeing you talking to Aaron, shorty. I didn’t know what else to say.”