Dysfunctional Affair

by James, Hadena

“Why did you veto it?” Devlin asked.

  “Because I figured the priest wouldn’t tell her either. He’d just laugh at me and then tell me I should listen to my mother.”

  “Isn’t that what the priest said when you told him you’d been tricked into going to prom with some freak?” Liam asked.

  “Yes, that’s why I decided it wouldn’t help. “And he wasn’t really a freak, more like a pot head with bad teeth.”

  “Why did mom pick him?” Devlin frowned.

  “Because it’s mom.” I sighed.

  Yes, my mother had tricked me into going to prom with some kid that she met at church. How’d she do it? She’d told me that my Granddad Chzov wanted me to attend a wedding ceremony that night. We didn’t know the couple getting married, but that wasn’t really that unusual, granddad’s a priest after all. She dropped me off at the church, then this guy walked in wearing a tux. My granddad was standing there, he wouldn’t let me refuse the guy. They tricked me into meeting him, then guilted me into going. Life in the Chzov family is bizarre.

  My brothers nodded in agreement. That was really all that needed to be said. Everyone was afraid of my mother because she was relentless and had the backing of the entire family. My family just went along with my mother. She seemed to get special treatment, no one knew why.

  “Hey, why did Anthony get sent to protect me?” I asked.

  “Ask mom,” Vladik rubbed the rashy leg again. I moved a little closer to Zeke.

  “Are you sure it’s not contagious?”

  “Yes I’m sure.” He at least looked embarrassed about it.

  “It’s not from some crazy kind of sex game, is it?” I smiled at him.

  “No, Nadine, and I don’t consider that funny.”

  “Hmm, then maybe you need to work on your sense of humor.” I said, trying to ignore Zeke who seemed to be chattering in my ear. Finally, he closed the phone and handed it to me.

  “Did the two of you discover what you were going to do?” I asked, only slightly interested. I know, I should be completely interested, it was my life after all, but it was kind of hard to focus at the moment. The strain of the past week or so was catching up with me.

  “Yes,” he answered simply, handing me the phone back.

  “Are you going to tell me about it?”

  “Sure. Anthony and Alex are going to investigate this Amanda Reed, find out if she even exists, if she does, maybe we can figure out why everyone wants her.”

  “And if she doesn’t exist?”

  “If she’s a figment, then we’ll have to find out who invented her, why, and how it relates to you.”

  “Alex is supposed to be under house arrest.”

  “We no longer think she’s a target.” Zeke frowned at me. Frowning was becoming pretty common in my life. Probably a bad sign.

  “Why is she no longer considered a target?”

  “She hasn’t even received any hate mail since she returned. The brunt of it seems to have passed in relation to her.”

  “Why do I have to keep asking you questions? Why can’t you just summarize the entire conversation at one time?” I rubbed my eye. The headache from the police lights was coming back.

  “Because I don’t know what you want to know. It’s easier if you ask questions.” Zeke lifted an eyebrow and smiled.

  “Just kill me now.”

  “You don’t know much about men, do you?” Liam asked me.

  “I tend to think of men in the same way I think of Freemasons. I have some basic knowledge on them, but it’s vague, limited to a few strange habits and most of it came from Monty Python.”

  “I’m not really sure what to say to that.” Liam smiled at me as Devlin shot coffee out his nose. Must be a family trait.

  “I understand,” I shrugged. “It bugs me that we didn’t kill him, but he ended up dead anyway.”

  “Are you regretting his death or that you didn’t do it?” Vladik asked, taking a moment to sip his coffee. For a moment, the scratching seemed to have stopped. I wasn’t sure if it was comforting to know the rash wasn’t contagious.

  “I’m not sure. This might look bad for my company. I was ten feet from him. Besides, I didn’t really get any useful information from him. It would have been nice to have something, I don’t even have a name for him. If Amanda Reed is a code or some other type of cryptic bullshit, then the attacks will continue until we figure it out. I’m out of ideas and possibly out of my league. I can’t do anything but wait for Alex to get back to me with something.”

  “So you feel hopeless, helpless and vulnerable?” Ivan asked.

  “A little, yeah. I mean, guns, explosions and stalkers I can deal with, but investigations are beyond my reach. I don’t know what to do with myself.”

  “Sit tight and rely on Alex to find what you need.” Zeke sounded thoughtful, I had to turn to look at him. His eyes were slightly glazed, face relaxed, staring into the carpet as if he could see worlds no one knew where there.

  “Uh, yeah, see, here’s the problem, sitting tight has never been my strong point.”

  “Office Space.” Ivan gave a small chuckle.

  “What?” I turned to him.

  “You’re talking like the boss off Office Space.”

  “Oh, huh, guess I am.” I rubbed my temples. The headache was still there, lightly throbbing behind my eyes. Stupid police lights.

  “You have a headache?” Vladik asked.

  “Small one,” I responded, closing my eyes.

  “Go to bed then,” Liam said.

  “You guys are going to sit up talking, aren’t you?”

  “Yes,” Liam frowned. “Do you want us to take minutes and give them to you in the morning?”

  I was sure he was being sarcastic.

  “Yes, I don’t like it when you plot without me.” I stood up. “Good night guys. Don’t do anything sneaky, nefarious or illegal while I’m asleep. And please don’t break anything, especially my Kapt’n K poster.”

  “We would never damage your Kapt’n K poster.”

  I went up stairs. My bed felt wonderful. The curtains were shut, making it pitch black inside the canopy. This was the life. I could sleep through the day with all the curtains on the windows open because the drapes were made from a heavy material with black backing. Nothing got in this bed without a hassle, not even light.

  Chapter Twenty

  The Danes were whining and wriggling around my feet. Very hard to sleep when they are doing that. Their attempts to wake me were working, I wasn’t sure why they hadn’t just gotten up and gone downstairs. Below me, I could faintly hear people talking, laughing. My brothers. All four of them were already awake. That’s when I noticed that it was just the dogs and myself. I couldn’t remember whether Zeke had crawled into my bed last night or not. Good chance he was also a wake.

  It nearly took an act of God to get me out of the bed and dressed. I no longer had the vacation blues, but I was definitely slipping into a funk. The thought that I had nothing to do but sit around and wait was horrifying. The thought that I had to do this with my brothers hovering over me was even worse. I wasn’t even entirely sure what day it was.

  The noise downstairs grew from unrecognizable sounds into a din of voices as I descended the stairs. Each was trying to talk, laugh, something, over another. This was the sound of people totally at ease with each other. It did nothing to lift my spirits.

  They quieted as I entered the dining room. Must look worse than I thought. I smiled at them and saw food being laid out on the table. Zeke had cooked breakfast, for all six of us, it was like the buffet at Golden Corral. Almost anything you could want, in extra large portions. So much for having food in my house. Zeke must have been cooking for hours. I frowned.

  “Tell me you didn’t cook all of this.” I went to take a seat at the table and realized it wasn’t my table. This one was larger, made from darker wood. Everyone had a place to sit. They had been busy beavers while I slept.

  “Where did this come from?”


  “The store,” Liam raised an eyebrow, his voice had an annoying sarcastic tone. “We weren’t sure you would notice. It’s a wedding present for you and Zeke.”

  “You’re kidding?” I pulled one of the chairs out. It was beautifully decorated. I frowned even harder. The chair had the distinctive look of being hand-carved. Gently I caressed the back of it.

  “No, they’re not.” Zeke sighed. “It was delivered this morning..”

  “Where’d it come from?” I stared hard at Liam. Hoping he would crack under the pressure.

  “Where do you think it came from?” Vladik shook his head, rolling his eyes. “That is such a dumb question.”

  In that moment, I realized it was a dumb question. I knew exactly where they’d gotten it. One of our relatives owns a furniture store, specializing in custom wood products. It was official, everyone knew.

  I grabbed the telephone from the wall and dialed the number from memory. My cousin, Katya, answered the phone. I had no idea what she was doing there. She worked for the government.

  “Chzov’s Furniture,” she said brightly.

  “Did you get fired from archiving?” I asked, trying to sound friendly.

  “Oooh, Nadine, you got the table.” She was nearly bubbling over from the sound of it.

  “Yes, yes I did. But why did I get a table?”

  “It’s a wedding present from Nickolai, Ivan, Pavel, Alexei and myself. I was hoping it would get delivered today, I didn’t realize that Uncle Pavel would get it delivered so soon. You know how he is, he was complaining about all the deliveries that had to be made.” I should take this moment to clarify something. Every family has quirks, ours is the name Ivan. There are at least six Ivan Chzov’s. That’s not counting people like my brother, whose first name is Ivan but has a different last name. To avoid confusion, we usually use the middle name of the “Ivan” we are discussing. But Katya had said Nickolai, which meant Ivan Nickolaivich, his son. Yes, my family can be difficult. My grandparents had 11 children, so I have 20 aunts and uncles, not counting great aunts and uncles. Cousins are numerous and sometimes I can’t remember all their names. Also, both my grandparents are from large families. At times, I think they just started running out of different names for children and started naming them Ivan out of convenience. Alexei is Katya’s younger brother.

  “Great, it’s beautiful, really beautiful, Katya.” I quietly banged my head against the wall three times.

  “Thank you so much.” I tried to sound sincere, it really was a beautiful table, but this was getting out of control and I didn’t see any way to rain it back in.

  “I knew you’d love it.” Katya was still bubbling. This was par for the course for her. She’s one of those perpetually happy people.

  “I do. Thanks again. Ok, well I need to go.”

  “Yeah, I heard that you were having difficulties with work. Alexandra was telling me about it last night.” Alexandra is the common girl’s name in my family. There are five of them, but only the oldest is ever referred to as Alexandra. And I had every intention of calling Sebastian and Anthony and having them bring her butt over here so I could kill her.

  “Yeah, a little trouble, nothing really big though.”

  “So, when do we get to meet the new hubby?” Yep, Alex was so dead and Katya might have to die with her if she didn’t stop sounding so damn perky.

  “I don’t know, I mean, I’m really busy and stuff. We’ll set something up.”

  “Are you really embarrassed because you eloped?” The question kind of caught me off guard.

  “No, it’s complicated.” I sighed at her.

  “Everything in your life is complicated, Nadine. You can’t keep him hidden for forever. We’ll eventually get to meet him. I’m so happy for you. Are you really going to have a mock wedding and reception for the family?”

  “I guess, Zeke seems to think it’s a good idea.”

  “But you disagree.”

  “Would you stay married to me after meeting the entire family?” Might as well roll with it.

  “Me? No, but I’m not real fond of the trouble you bring, it has nothing to do with the family.”

  “Thanks, thank you so very, very much, Katya. I can always count on you to make me feel better about myself.”

  “Nadine, trouble follows you around like a shadow. If I was a big bad former Navy S.E.A.L., it wouldn’t bother me, but I’m just an archivist with the government. It scares me. You and Alexandra always seem to be elbow deep in death, gore and violence. That works for you, but it would make me crazy.”

  “Welcome to my world. Listen, Katya, could you do me a favor?”

  “Sure,” her voice held a cautious note.

  “Could you not sound so happy this morning? I haven’t had any caffeine.”

  “Did you just crawl out of bed?” Katya was smiling. I could tell even over the phone.

  “Yes as a matter of fact I did. Last night I was in a cemetery with a crazy person. I let myself sleep in a little while.”

  “Nadine, it’s after one p.m. You slept in more than a little.”

  “Oh shit,” I looked at the clock over my stove. The digital read out said 9:22 a.m. That’s the other thing about me, I only have one clock in my entire house that has a clue what time it is, my watch. When the power goes out, I don’t bother resetting them. I even use my watch as my alarm clock.

  “Oh shit’s right, hope you didn’t have plans this morning.”

  “I didn’t.” I sighed again. “Ok, Katya, thanks again for the table. I’ll talk to you later.”

  I hung up before she could say anything else. I pinched myself just to be sure. It hurt like hell. Nope, not a nightmare, this really was my life.

  “Did you just pinch yourself?” Alex’s voice floated to me. Sometime during my conversation with Katya, she had slipped in. Oh yeah, I had a bone to pick with her.

  “Yes, I did. Did you talk to Katya last night?”

  “Yeah, she called to see if you had a dining room table.” Alex looked at the new one. “Guess that’s what she wanted to get you as a wedding gift. Who went in on it?”

  “That really doesn’t matter.” I smiled, more out of frustration than any joy at seeing her. “I had a dining room table.”

  “I know, but it was too small, so I told her to upgrade it for you.” She smiled at me and stole some fries from Liam’s plate. He playfully smacked at her hand.

  “Ok, I don’t need a dining room table, I need a way to get people to believe I didn’t get married.”

  “Perhaps, but you did need a new table. You’ve had that one since you moved into your first apartment. This one’s much better. Maybe you should just tell everyone that you didn’t get married.”

  “Ok, that would work on like seven people, everyone else would be like mom and just ignore me.”

  “True, maybe you guys should file for divorce.”

  “Ugh,” I hit my head one more time on the wall. This time harder. It stung and would probably bruise. Wonder if I could blame the bruise on Alex.

  “Encouraging.” Zeke muttered from the table.

  “You got yourself into this,” Alex shrugged, “I’m sure you’ll find a way out of it.”

  “I didn’t do anything! That’s the problem. I didn’t tell mom we were married, she just started adding shit up. In her world, 2 + 2 equals 12!”

  “Give her a break Alex, we can’t all be like you.” Ivan stood from the table. Woo-hoo, he was on my side. Not that this meant much, him and Alex tended to disagree just to disagree.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” She put her hands on her hips. Family feuds at their best. I wanted a ringside seat for this, so I turned to watch.

  “You’re a modern day Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. Maybe you should go find some pigeons to feed.”

  “Someone needs to set a good example in this family. You’re letting Nadine meet with madmen in cemeteries isn’t the best way to keep her alive. And then the guy winds up
dead. Nice work, Ivan, very nicely done.”

  “It’s Nadine, you can’t stop her from doing something once she sets her mind to it. You of all people should know that Alex. How many times have you tried to get her not to do something only to find out later that she went and did it anyway? At least this way I had some information.”

  “Whatever.” Alex waved her hand in the air. The feud was over for now, but I had no doubt it would erupt again. No one really knew why they couldn’t get along, but they couldn’t. Occasionally they called an armistice for things like holidays and my graduation, but it was only for rare, special occasions. She tossed something at me. It feel to the floor and just laid there.

  “You were supposed to catch that.”

  “I just got up, I’ve had no caffeine.” I bent over picking it up. It was a newspaper and my face was on the front page. It was a pretty crappy photo too.

  The caption said “Daniels Security: Private Protection or Vigilante Justice”. I checked the byline, didn’t recognize the name and finished unfolding it. It was a tabloid, lovely, just lovely. I didn’t like regular newspapers, let alone tabloids. I tossed it back to her.

  “Doesn’t affect me.”

  “Oh yes, yes it does. There are several variations of this one. Only the tabloids are insinuating that you’ve been doing your share of murders, but the real newspapers in the area are still giving you front page coverage. The KC Star has a particularly bad picture of you on its front page.”

  “Oh goody, tell me you have something good to tell me.”

  “Sort of, I found out that Amanda Reed does in fact exist… or did up until about five years ago. Five years ago she sort of disappeared. No evidence she was murdered, but no evidence that she left either. She really did just sort of vanish into thin air. Her brother was some wealthy eccentric who made a lot of money in e-commerce, her husband is not so lucky, he works a 9 to 6 job at a bank in their mortgage department. There was no abuse or anything that we’ve been able to dig up. It doesn’t seem that there’s any connections to organized crime or drugs. Very strange.”

  “I thought you said you had good news.” I sat down at the table.