Dysfunctional Affair

by James, Hadena

  “That is good news,” she frowned at me. “At least we know it’s a real person and not a figment of someone’s imagination or worse, some strange code for something someone wants from you that either you don’t know you have or that you don’t really have, because we’d never figure that one out.”

  “That is the most complicated sentence I have ever heard.” I scoped out the table.

  Food was heaped on it, filling almost all the empty space. I had been exhausted when I went to bed, now I realized I was also starving. First thing on the list was bar-be-cued beef, it had been shredded into thin tendrils, just the way I liked it. I scooped it onto a bun and began eating, ignoring everyone at the table.

  This wasn’t what I would consider good news. Good news would have been something like “we found Amanda, she’s alive and well, she just decided to run off with her tennis instructor and didn’t want to deal with a divorce. She’s living in Bermuda.”

  This just brought more questions, no answers and I was still clueless what to do about it. So I added French fries, coleslaw, broccoli with cheese and some kind of pasta salad to my plate. Growing up with four brothers had taught me how to pack away food. I’d work it off playing with the dogs a little later.

  “Nadine?” Alex was squinting at me. It was pretty unflattering to her face.

  “That isn’t a good look for you.” Honesty really can be the best policy when not dealing with your parents.

  “Huh?” She squinted and frowned.

  “Don’t squint, it makes you look weird. And stop frowning. Everyone is frowning around me lately, I think it’s making me depressed.”

  “Did you completely ignore what I just told you?” She asked, sounding suspicious. It was as if I was always tuning her out or something.

  “No, I heard you, I just have nothing to say about it. I don’t think it’s quite the momentous news that you thought it was. At least it’s not going to be overly complicated by black ops codes written in strange languages, but it’s still not exactly solved. I mean, I get why I’m involved, but what’s so special about her that people would want to kill me to find her? It also doesn’t help with the brother getting his head blown off. I mean, who the hell decided to do that and why? Why did they wait until after he’d talked to me? If they’d wanted to kill him to keep from finding her, it would make more sense to kill him before he talked to me. Come on, Alex, we have a little more information, but it’s brought up a lot more questions. So, I might as well sit here and eat.”

  “I can’t even get a job well done?”

  “Well done, have a sandwich.” I handed her the sandwich I’d just made. Good thing I had taken a bite out of it. “You can eat at my new table.”

  “Are you all right?” Alex set the sandwich down on an empty plate.

  “Fine, dandy, perfectly fine.” I smiled at her.

  “Is she about to have a panic attack?” Anthony asked, sounding alarmed.

  “More like a nervous breakdown, I think,” Ivan moved closer to me.

  “No, I’m not.”

  “To which?” Vladik asked.

  “Yes,” I frowned at him, then remembered to smile. I gave him my best smile. Yep, I was probably losing my mind.

  “I think she’s losing her marbles.” Liam poked me in the ribs.

  “I’m not losing my marbles, I just can’t get real excited about this. I mean, everyone seems to have something to do but me. I’m bored, stuck in this house with the five of you, wondering what I’m supposed to be doing. The thought is depressing, because the answer is not much. I can’t do what Alex does, so I’m just stuck waiting on her to figure out whether I need to go kick somebody’s ass over this. Don’t you ever just feel like you might need to diversify your talents?”

  “No.” They all pretty much answered in unison. There I was, odd man out again.

  “Ok, so maybe it’s just me.” I shrugged.

  “Yeah, yeah, pretty much.” Alex smiled at me. “Don’t worry Nadine, it will all be over soon.”

  “But it won’t be, it will never be over. There will always be something, someone and if it isn’t work related, it’s family related. I guess I’m just a little depressed.” I finally admitted, shrugging again.

  “Maybe your hubby needs to help you relieve that depression.” Alex giggled.

  I took a forkful of coleslaw and flicked it at her, it missed by about a mile and hit Sebastian. At least she was still dragging her body guards everywhere. Sebastian stopped smiling and glared at me. It made him look scary, but I was his boss, there was really nothing he could do about it. But it did make me feel better.

  “And whiny,” he added, wiping the coleslaw off his shirt. Instantly, Marduk appeared and made the coleslaw disappear from the floor.

  “Maybe she was eaten by a bear or something,” I said, watching him lick it’s mayo remains from the hardwood.

  “That would only explain a few things,” Alex watched Sebastian. She was definitely still lusting after him. The thought made me sort of cringe. This was one thing I didn’t really want to know about.

  “Then I’m out of suggestions.” I took a bite of the new sandwich. It was excellent. I wondered if Zeke had had any chef training. I would have to introduce him to some of my other relatives, I had a few that were professional chefs. They would like him, I had no doubt. The question was did I like him. I still didn’t know, so I compensated by taking another bite.

  “Good, sometimes your suggestions are weird.” Alex turned back to looking at me. “I’m really glad that missed, it probably would have landed in my hair.”

  “Probably, I have to admit it was kind of funny to watch Sebastian’s face go red from it.” I responded, trying to talk around my food.

  “Don’t talk with your mouth full.” Zeke chided.

  “Yes, mommy,” I responded sarcastically, taking another bite before saying it.

  “I’m out of here, I just thought you’d like to know where I was with the case.” Alex stood.

  “Thanks, Alex. Keep me posted. You really are doing a good job, sorry I sound so ungrateful. I could never have gotten this far without you.”

  “Ah, that’s so cute, hold on, I think I’m going to tear up.” Anthony fake whimpered behind her.

  “Sod off,” I told him. This brought a round of giggles from him. That was not what I had wanted. I watched the three of them leave, Liam and Zeke walking them to the door. Another day of boredom was in store for me and I didn’t even have Alex to commiserate with, because she had a job to do.

  “You’re depressed?” Vladik asked as Zeke and Liam returned to the room.

  “Yes, that’s why I’m so bitchy. I don’t think I’m naturally like this, am I?”

  “Not touching that with a ten foot pole,” Zeke patted my shoulder. “I can definitely see why you would be getting a little depressed though. It’s hard to just sit around, waiting to see if you’re going to die…”

  He paused. “Maybe I should word that differently.”

  “Too late,” I huffed.

  “What would make you feel better?” Devlin leaned in, elbows on the table. If my mother had been there, he would have gotten a hell of a tongue lashing for it.

  “Books, music, those things usually make me feel better.” I wrinkled my nose. “I think it would help if I knew we weren’t going to make Zeke cook every meal. Look at this.”

  I pointed to the table.

  “I like to cook, I find it relaxing,” Zeke responded, taking a seat at the table. “I admit, your kitchen still leaves much to be desired, but we’ll work on that slowly.”

  “Maybe you should learn to cook.” Ivan suggested.

  I was pretty sure he was trying to help with the suggestion, but it was pointless, some people could cook, some couldn’t. I had set the kitchen in my first apartment on fire trying to make a cup of hot cocoa. Cooking was most certainly not my thing.

  “Maybe you should spend more time with the family. Once you’ve done that, you’re life won�
�t seem so terrible. You might actually start welcoming crazy people in graveyards.” Vladik was grinning from ear to ear.

  It made him look very young. I realized just how stressful his life was, he looked much older than 33.

  “Uh, no. I already know that I would prefer crazy people in graveyards.” I looked around the room. “I guess I just need a new hobby.”

  “Or a new life. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with my sister getting shot at on a regular basis. Especially since she’s the baby of the family.” Liam frowned deeply.

  “Stop frowning and I’m not getting a new life. This doesn’t happen on a particularly regular basis, it’s just not exactly unusual either. Of course, looking over the course of my life, I’ve had a body guard since I was ten, so it doesn’t seem out of place.” I remembered asking that last night. So I asked again. “Why did I get a body guard? Why not the other three thousand members of the family?”

  “Hmm, Liam do you want to take that one?” Ivan seemed to be thinking very hard as he spoke.

  “No, no I don’t, thanks for asking.” Liam stood up and busied himself in the kitchen.

  “Ask mom.” Vladik followed him. There was something my brothers weren’t telling me. I had a new mission, I’d bug them until they caved.

  “Fine,” I walked into the living room, found a KMFDM CD and popped it into the stereo. I let the dogs outside, returned to my living room and cranked the volume. By my calculations it would take between three and five songs before someone was pleading for it to be quieted. I took a seat and waited. Three songs into it, Zeke walked into the room, turned down the volume and yanked the knob off. Damn.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  It’s was three o’clock in the afternoon. Security agents were starting to fill my living room. It was getting cramped and a little on the warm side. I had no idea what I’d been thinking. Thirty people were not going to fit in my house. Six people didn’t fit very good. I still didn’t know why I’d been the Chzov singled out for a body guard. Guess no one thought I needed to know. Now it was Friday, there were other things on the agenda then bugging my brothers for useless information.

  The concert meant real work. Yea! I could escape the house and see a decent band. Actually, the headliner didn’t interest me too much, but the second opening band was showing promise. Handing out assignments was going to be fun. I’d spent the morning figuring out where to put people and who to pair them with. I’d come up with some ideas, but knew that things never went the way I planned, so they were flexible ideas.

  At three-thirty, I took a head count, found thirty-seven people. I couldn’t remember if this was everyone or if we had more than I had expected. I was pretty sure it was slightly larger than intended, but oh well.

  My brothers and Zeke had been busy this morning, moving out unnecessary furniture. Everything had been shoved into the library except the entertainment center. The entertainment center would have gone too, but untangling the cords had seemed like a lot of hassle. After an hour they had given up and left it.

  “All right, quiet down.” I yelled over the din of voices. Slowly the chatter ended as I passed around the print outs with assignments. Each of them was labeled with a name, followed by the name of a partner and the patrol area, unless you were between the pit and stage. Those simply said “stage guard”.

  “I want you all to remember we are secondary on this. The venue has its own security personnel, but they needed additional support. Please remember that the arena is non-smoking, completely non-smoking. This seems to have been an issue at the last concert they had. This time they want it seriously enforced. If you see anyone with a lit cigarette, make sure it gets put out. Also, we are expecting a large number of participants to smuggle in pot. Confiscate and possibly turn over to the police department depending on the amount. Do this in a quiet manner, try not to attract too much attention. This is going to be a younger crowd, this is a new-ish band, with a large high school and college following. We have broken out the good stuff for tonight. You’ll be using the ear-piece walkies and mics. Earplugs would be a good idea in your free ear. It’s going to be very, very loud. Are there any questions?” I looked around the room.

  “Yeah, I have one. Are you sure you should be going?” Someone in the back yelled. I recognized the voice even though I couldn’t see him.

  “Anthony, I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”

  “Don’t,” he yelled back.

  “Well, we’ll just reassign you to patrol the restrooms.” I was almost joking. “With as much security as we are going to have tonight, I don’t think anyone would be brave enough to try to attack me here.”

  “It’s not the brave ones we worry about, it’s the stupid ones.” Zeke made sure his voice carried through the room.

  “Or stupid enough,” I added. “Look, it’s been a shitty two weeks, I know this. This concert will be us getting back to normal. We are going to do what we always do. At the end, we’ll go home knowing it was a job well done. I’m tired of hiding out in my house, I’m tired of my business suffering because of some press. I’m just tired of it. I want to get back to normal. I doubt my life is in anymore danger now, then it ever was. Furthermore, I think my agents are as secure as usual. If we continue to do as we have been, then we will open ourselves up as targets because it will show that we’re afraid. Let’s nip this thing in the butt and go back to a normal existence. I know you are all concerned about me, so I took extra precaution. I will be wearing a bullet proof vest and I’ve got Vladik and Liam with me tonight. They will never leave my side. I promise.” I made a sign of crossing my heart.

  “And if you’re wrong?” Anthony asked. I still couldn’t see him. I wanted to kick his ass.

  “It’s a chance we have to take. I could be wrong. I could walk out my front door and have someone blow up my car or shoot me in the head. I realize this. I’m not trying to minimize the danger, but I think most of it has passed.”

  “What about Tucker?” Anthony again. I really was going to kick his ass.

  “I don’t know who that is or what they have to do with anything.”

  “The guy who lost most of his head in the cemetery.” Devlin volunteered. “I bet he would disagree with you.”

  “Yeah, but his killer had a chance to kill me. They didn’t, that’s a good sign.”

  “Maybe they are just waiting for a more opportune moment.” Sebastian spoke up.

  Great, now they were all against me. This was usually the way it went. All the women who were security agents had military or specialized skills. I didn’t, so everyone wanted to put me in a great big bubble. I was willing to bet the bubble had pink walls.

  “You sound like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean.” This was the way I side stepped questions I didn’t want to answer. I would just change the subject with something mundane. Sometimes, being a walking encyclopedia was kind of nice. Of course most of my knowledge was limited to history, movies and music. But I could almost always find something to regurgitate, regardless of its relativity.

  “Well, let’s go do our job.” I smiled and walked out of the room. My brothers followed at my heels. Zeke behind them. It was going to be a long ass night if they shadowed me everywhere. I had an entourage. How sad.

  Upon arrival at the arena we were briefed by the house security. Not that we really needed a briefing, this was kind of usual stuff for us. We listened quietly, nodding at the right moments. Eventually, they let us go. Everyone went to their assigned places while the doors opened.

  The crowd that had been milling around outside turned into a mob. They seethed forward, trying to be the first ones into the building. I stood to the side, watching, a knowing smile in place. How many times had I been part of that mob? I couldn’t remember, hundreds maybe. Only certain bands had warranted that kind of dedication, KMFDM, Type O Negative, Rammstein, Rob Zombie, only my favorites. I watched a girl walk past, her hair was cotton candy pink, her ear lined from top to bottom with rings, matc
hing ones in her nose, lip, and eyebrow. She looked young, with sparkling eyes, talking fast. I understood her excitement too. This was my type of crowd, when I wasn’t getting shot at, run over or kidnapped.

  “Getting nostalgic?” Alex whispered. I wrinkled my nose at her, I hadn’t been paying attention, she had crept up on me.

  “Yes, I miss the days of dying my hair purple, green, pink.”

  “You’ve never had your hair pink.” She raised an eyebrow. “See anything out of the ordinary?”

  “Define ordinary?” That was an excellent question. There were college frat boys and sorority girls, Goths, Industrialites, Metal Heads, older men and women dressed like Hell’s Angels. How did you define ordinary with a group this diverse?

  “Um, someone who looks like Ivan?” Alex sneered at him. Oh yeah, then there were my brothers. They looked out of the ordinary. Scary as hell, they could all play the lead as Frankenstein’s monster, but they were dressed in khaki slacks, polo shirts with the word “Security” on them and sneakers. They didn’t quite fit in, but I wouldn’t want to run into them in some dark alley, either.

  “Nope, just Ivan.” I replied with a sigh. I turned my attention back to the crowd. It was moving slowly. Pat downs at the door were being conducted with care, precision and efficiency. I always hated being patted down.

  “Well, if you’re good here, Sebastian and I will trudge off to make another round.” Alex patted my shoulder.

  “I have four brothers who look like Andre the Giant. I’m good.” I nodded at her. She left, Sebastian following at her heels. Leaving me to watch the crowd. It was actually pretty entertaining. I wouldn’t want to do it night after night, but for a couple of hours, it wasn’t bad. I got to see tattoos, boots, funny looking outfits, and some were even brave enough to wear sandals. Sandals and pits are not a good mixture. Silently I hoped they had seats.

  A woman appeared next to me. She smiled and then frowned and then smiled again. She seemed confused.

  “May I help you?” Oh and she looked out of place. She was wearing jeans and a bright yellow shirt with little flowers on it. Not what you expect at a rock concert unless the Rolling Stones are playing. Black was the standard color for most of the crowd.